Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Cutlery

Cutlery

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Khane said:
I guess that makes sense if there was no alimony agreement.
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Every marriage is different, so every divorce will be.

As far as alimony goes, my ex also had 110k in student loan debt. She tried to claim that was marital debt as well.

I said "Sure, we can do that. But your degree is a marital asset then."

She shut up very quickly.
 
Izo

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Cutlery said:
Can't get remarried until you're divorced. And a divorce in the basic terms is a division of assets.

My ex had about 50k in credit card debt. Even though she ran it up, it's considered "marital debt." So half of that is legally mine. Even though she ran most of it up without me even knowing about it. That's just the way the law works.

If you have a house that you bought during the marriage, that is a marital asset. So what it's worth is evenly split between you. Doesn't matter if you make 150k a year and she works part time at CVS. She's entitled to half of the equity.

These things combine to fuck dudes out of VERY large sums of money.
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At least she doesn’t eat your corpse after coitus like certain spiders. We’re not that bad of, males.
 
C

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You guys are doing it wrong. I do fine, but my wife makes significantly more money than I do. She can't afford to leave me.
 
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Cutlery

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Captain Suave said:
You guys are doing it wrong. I do fine, but my wife makes significantly more money than I do. She can't afford to leave me.
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You say that but there's always someone willing to offer her a better lifestyle.

My ex made double what I did too. Now she gets to fuck off with her entire salary instead of contributing to bills.
 
Kirun

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Cad said:
I think thats a very reasonable and pragmatic position, honestly. I'd make it clear to her and communicate that you can have any commitment you like, you just aren't to risk X Y Z, but that it's not a reflection on her. Communicate that clearly and let her know it's not a fear of commitment, it's just practicality. Talk, talk talk. If you do it'll probably be ok.
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I've had this exact talk with my girlfriend of 4 years. It usually backs her up a little, but she still constantly talks about wanting to get married. There is absolutely zero fucking chance I'd ever do it, no matter the girl. Life is a game of risk vs. reward and males take literally all the risk for ZERO reward.

Captain Suave said:
You guys are doing it wrong. I do fine, but my wife makes significantly more money than I do. She can't afford to leave me.
Click to expand...

Yeah, those Britney Spears situations are extremely, extremely rare. Most courts rule favorably for the female, even if she makes more.
 
TJT

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Cutlery said:
You say that but there's always someone willing to offer her a better lifestyle.

My ex made double what I did too. Now she gets to fuck off with her entire salary instead of contributing to bills.
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Did she marry someone else much richer too or what?
 
Cutlery

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TJT said:
Did she marry someone else much richer too or what?
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She didn't marry him. At least that I know of. I don't really care and we don't talk. I mean, she tries to talk to me, but I basically ignore everything she says unless it requires a response, which it mostly doesn't. She basically just fishes for information and I don't waste my time because I have no interest in being friends or anything of the sort.

But, yeah, he's some developer for educational software. Works entirely from home, fat as fuck, no useful skills or abilities, just makes a fuckload more than me and bought a house a town over so our kid could stay in the same school district all week.

I'm fine with it...she's his problem now. 2 years ago I posted a pic of all of her shit taking up half of my garage. According to my kid, it's still in his garage... exactly where it was when she moved in.
 
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Aychamo BanBan

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So, I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half or so. I have one child, she has three (8, 9, 16), her ex pays his monthly $1500 child support, but that's it, and has very little to do with his kids, and barely supports them otherwise. She makes around $45,000/yr. I have a child (7).

This is my fear: when it comes time to college, how much am I going to get roped into paying for tuition, apartments, vehicles, insurance, etc? I know yall can't answer this for me, but what happened in your experiences of a mixed family with the ex being a person of limited means? I have a 529 for my daughter, to pay for her tuition and living, but this is something I have planned, and have contributed to monthly since she was born, and when she hits college she is covered.

So say we get married, she makes the $45,000, I make much much more than that. So sometimes I feel like people see me as the Bank of Falxy. I don't think she's into me for my money, but I do think I'll be tasked with helping out a lot of people that I haven't planned for. My financial plans include cutting back and semi-retiring in the next year. They don't include working extra to pay for apartments, electricity, vehicles, insurance, etc until her 8 year old is out of college.

To be fair, she's never asked me for even $1. She and her ex were able to put money together to purchase the 16 year old a vehicle and I think he pays the insurance on it, but he's a financial mess and very inconsistent, like late with child support, and has been barely employed since all the covid nonsense. But, you know how it is, if you get married, your finances end up together, and then "our money" (even thought she makes a fraction of what I make) is now paying insurance, vehicles, apartments, etc.

I hadn't really considered much of this in the past. My friend has a stepson, and says how he bought him a truck, etc, and the dad doesn't do shit.

Also it complicates things for eventually moving in together, like if we did it now, we'd have to have a minimum 4 bedroom house, etc, and anything decent four bedroom here is ridiculously expensive, and I'm moving out of my house to pay cash for a much smaller house because I want to scale back and semi-retire, not take on an even larger debt burden.

So what do you do when your lifes financial plans don't match your hearts? And what have yall done in the past with second marriages when kids are involved?
 
Koushirou

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I was going to write up a whole lot more, but I don't have any kids, no divorces, no drama or any of that shit, so I can't really weigh in on that with any sort of experience. But honestly, it just sounds like your situation and your goals just aren't compatible (wanting to downsize and semi-retire vs. adding 4 people to your household, etc.). I would imagine the non-shithead route as far as the kids go is that if you get married, those kids are now your family and you treat them as your own. If that's not something your into or if you're going to cringe every time your wallet opens for "her" kid, then maybe don't get hitched. Again, disclaimer, I have 0 real-world experience on this topic.
 
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Cutlery

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Falxy-US said:
So, I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half or so. I have one child, she has three (8, 9, 16), her ex pays his monthly $1500 child support, but that's it, and has very little to do with his kids, and barely supports them otherwise. She makes around $45,000/yr. I have a child (7).

This is my fear: when it comes time to college, how much am I going to get roped into paying for tuition, apartments, vehicles, insurance, etc?
Click to expand...

What the fuck? What is this?

You know how much you're going to get roped into paying for this?

As much as you let yourself.

You can say no. A kid does not deserve a car, or insurance, or an apartment, or college. Period. Fucking period. There's literally no discussion to be had. They can EARN what they have, and that's fine, but why the fuck would you get "roped into" paying for shit? You can get married and keep your finances separate. And I mean, apartments, literally wtf. If you don't have the means to support yourself, then you don't need a fucking apartment.

My kid has a car (19). She bought it herself. With cash. She pays for her car insurance. She's not going to school, she's working full time. She pays me a miniscule amount of rent to build responsibility and cover the utilities she uses and the fact that I could rent out her room if she wasn't in it.

The only world that you get roped into paying for shit is one you create yourself.
 
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Aychamo BanBan

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Cutlery said:
What the fuck? What is this?

You know how much you're going to get roped into paying for this?

As much as you let yourself.

You can say no. A kid does not deserve a car, or insurance, or an apartment, or college. Period. Fucking period. There's literally no discussion to be had. They can EARN what they have, and that's fine, but why the fuck would you get "roped into" paying for shit? You can get married and keep your finances separate. And I mean, apartments, literally wtf. If you don't have the means to support yourself, then you don't need a fucking apartment.

My kid has a car (19). She bought it herself. With cash. She pays for her car insurance. She's not going to school, she's working full time. She pays me a miniscule amount of rent to build responsibility and cover the utilities she uses and the fact that I could rent out her room if she wasn't in it.

The only world that you get roped into paying for shit is one you create yourself.
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Well I agree with you. Do you get tired of having the kid there? At 19? I'm sure its a little different because its your kid vs one you married into.

I had thought about that too, where if they can't afford an apartment, they stay at the house... But now all of a sudden I'm 50 years old, and still have multiple 18+ year olds in the house, eating shit, partying, being irresponsible, etc. I guess like you said make them pay a little rent, contribute to the house, and have rules. But man, by 50 I would love to have my house to myself (and my woman.)

I guess I just hadn't thought through the long term consequences of dating someone with kids. I absolutely love her, she's a wonderful human. I just don't know how much is going to be expected of me in the future. Think it's wrong to bring this up?
 
Koushirou

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It's something that probably should have been brought up earlier when things started getting serious between the two of you, whenever that was. There's nothing wrong with getting that shit laid out ahead of time and deciding from there if that's something you want to go through.

Cutlery brings up a lot of good points. All of those things you listed, you're under no obligation to give even if it was your kid. They want a car? Plenty of clunkers they can find for a couple K on Nextdoor and Craigslist. Apartment? Time to rent with a couple of other people and split the cost. You get the picture. You can help set kids up for success without handing it to them.
 
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Cutlery

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Falxy-US said:
Well I agree with you. Do you get tired of having the kid there? At 19? I'm sure its a little different because its your kid vs one you married into.

I had thought about that too, where if they can't afford an apartment, they stay at the house... But now all of a sudden I'm 50 years old, and still have multiple 18+ year olds in the house, eating shit, partying, being irresponsible, etc. I guess like you said make them pay a little rent, contribute to the house, and have rules. But man, by 50 I would love to have my house to myself (and my woman.)

I guess I just hadn't thought through the long term consequences of dating someone with kids. I absolutely love her, she's a wonderful human. I just don't know how much is going to be expected of me in the future. Think it's wrong to bring this up?
Click to expand...

Well, if you wanna talk about life, we can do that.

I just turned 41. My parents were 21 and 19 when they had me. They paid off their house the year I moved out (at 18). I knew a long time ago that I wanted to have kids early and have them gone while I'm still young enough to do shit I wanna do. My divorce kinda wrecked my long term plans and set me back a bit, but it's no big deal. I'll still have the house paid off before I retire - I'm just behind where my parents were at. My oldest lives with me, and has since she turned 18. She got a job at a factory late last year working 12's and she's making fucking bank. She keeps talking about moving out, but the reality is that renting is a fucking waste. I told her to just stockpile $$ and pay cash for a house, because that's what I would do. She's got a basement room, doesn't have friends over very often (you know, full time job and all), she's got her own fridge, buys her own food. When she turned 18, I told her she was gonna start kicking in $100 for rent. When she was 19, I knocked it up to $200. $200 is fucking nothing when you're rolling in full time money, but it gets her to start being responsible for things. She has bills to pay now and she can't just fuck off and waste her money.

She's got like 15k in the bank at this point. She's always been a saver (thank god, because her mom is a spender). She buys like one thing for herself every paycheck, and then she socks the rest of it away. I have no problems helping her out. She's not here that much, and when she is, she's sleeping. I don't cook for her or do her laundry, and I also give her some occasional chores to do and those get done pretty quick because I don't ask for much. Life is about making sure your kids get off to a better start than you did. I had nothing when I moved out...literally everything I owned fit in the back of a pickup truck - including the bed. She should be able to pay cash for a house or condo or townhouse or whatever in a few years, and then she's gonna be set for life. She can buy another house and use as a rental, or get into investing, or fuck - just do whatever the fuck she wants. So it sounds like our situations are a bit different, but I made my situation the way it was for a reason. Kids with no responsibilities just end up being mooches. Can't do that...gotta give them a reason to step up and make something of themselves. I don't get shit for my kids - not because I can't, but because I won't. They need to earn it, and they're gonna be better off for it.

As far as dating women with kids - well, that's why I didn't do that. My GF doesn't have any and I'm snipped, so I'm done. I've still got 9 years left on the little one, but she's honestly brighter than her older sister, so I don't doubt she's gonna do just fine as well.

The way that you figure out how much is going to be expected of you in the future is you talk to her. You explain your side and you set your ground rules. At the end of the day, I'm not paying for shit I don't want to pay for. It's my fucking money, get your own if you don't like it.
 
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fris

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I'm there with you. I dont want to bring anyone in that will take away my emotional time with my boys (which bleeds over the 50% custody i get) and certainly don't want to financially support someone much less their kids. My X doesn't work, my boys collage will fall upon me.

That's how I feel... now

I have a life long friend, who's close with his dad and step father. Both guys were at his Batchelor party. His step dad calls him his son.

Now, you're looking at those kids as a financial problem down the road. Down the road, you may care and love them like your own.

Up to you to figure out how much time you want in this relationship to figure it out
 
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Khane

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Ask her how she feels about circumcision. And then whatever she says, act vehemently in favor of the opposition and tell her you still want to have more kids someday and hopefully it will be a boy and you just don't see any way to compromise the circumcise. Then end it.
 
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moonarchia

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Falxy-US said:
So, I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half or so. I have one child, she has three (8, 9, 16), her ex pays his monthly $1500 child support, but that's it, and has very little to do with his kids, and barely supports them otherwise. She makes around $45,000/yr. I have a child (7).

This is my fear: when it comes time to college, how much am I going to get roped into paying for tuition, apartments, vehicles, insurance, etc? I know yall can't answer this for me, but what happened in your experiences of a mixed family with the ex being a person of limited means? I have a 529 for my daughter, to pay for her tuition and living, but this is something I have planned, and have contributed to monthly since she was born, and when she hits college she is covered.

So say we get married, she makes the $45,000, I make much much more than that. So sometimes I feel like people see me as the Bank of Falxy. I don't think she's into me for my money, but I do think I'll be tasked with helping out a lot of people that I haven't planned for. My financial plans include cutting back and semi-retiring in the next year. They don't include working extra to pay for apartments, electricity, vehicles, insurance, etc until her 8 year old is out of college.

To be fair, she's never asked me for even $1. She and her ex were able to put money together to purchase the 16 year old a vehicle and I think he pays the insurance on it, but he's a financial mess and very inconsistent, like late with child support, and has been barely employed since all the covid nonsense. But, you know how it is, if you get married, your finances end up together, and then "our money" (even thought she makes a fraction of what I make) is now paying insurance, vehicles, apartments, etc.

I hadn't really considered much of this in the past. My friend has a stepson, and says how he bought him a truck, etc, and the dad doesn't do shit.

Also it complicates things for eventually moving in together, like if we did it now, we'd have to have a minimum 4 bedroom house, etc, and anything decent four bedroom here is ridiculously expensive, and I'm moving out of my house to pay cash for a much smaller house because I want to scale back and semi-retire, not take on an even larger debt burden.

So what do you do when your lifes financial plans don't match your hearts? And what have yall done in the past with second marriages when kids are involved?
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1. Don't get married ever if this is a concern for you.
2. She can be the cosigner for whatever Stafford loans she needs for the kids. The problem is going to be if they are idiots and go for degrees out of state and/or get degrees with no realistic jobs to get afterwards.

At the end of the day you need to talk to her about all this, so you can either start planning your next steps together, or stepping away from each other.
 
Omi43221

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Falxy-US said:
Well I agree with you. Do you get tired of having the kid there? At 19? I'm sure its a little different because its your kid vs one you married into.

I had thought about that too, where if they can't afford an apartment, they stay at the house... But now all of a sudden I'm 50 years old, and still have multiple 18+ year olds in the house, eating shit, partying, being irresponsible, etc. I guess like you said make them pay a little rent, contribute to the house, and have rules. But man, by 50 I would love to have my house to myself (and my woman.)

I guess I just hadn't thought through the long term consequences of dating someone with kids. I absolutely love her, she's a wonderful human. I just don't know how much is going to be expected of me in the future. Think it's wrong to bring this up?
Click to expand...

You don't have to be all in for paying off college or do nothing either. It's fine to find some spot in the middle that you are comfortable with. You could tell your stepkids when they graduate high-school you get 10,000 in a bank account a used car and the rest is up to you fucker. (Exactly what I told my son)
 
Cad

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Falxy-US said:
So, I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half or so. I have one child, she has three (8, 9, 16), her ex pays his monthly $1500 child support, but that's it, and has very little to do with his kids, and barely supports them otherwise. She makes around $45,000/yr. I have a child (7).

This is my fear: when it comes time to college, how much am I going to get roped into paying for tuition, apartments, vehicles, insurance, etc? I know yall can't answer this for me, but what happened in your experiences of a mixed family with the ex being a person of limited means? I have a 529 for my daughter, to pay for her tuition and living, but this is something I have planned, and have contributed to monthly since she was born, and when she hits college she is covered.

So say we get married, she makes the $45,000, I make much much more than that. So sometimes I feel like people see me as the Bank of Falxy. I don't think she's into me for my money, but I do think I'll be tasked with helping out a lot of people that I haven't planned for. My financial plans include cutting back and semi-retiring in the next year. They don't include working extra to pay for apartments, electricity, vehicles, insurance, etc until her 8 year old is out of college.

To be fair, she's never asked me for even $1. She and her ex were able to put money together to purchase the 16 year old a vehicle and I think he pays the insurance on it, but he's a financial mess and very inconsistent, like late with child support, and has been barely employed since all the covid nonsense. But, you know how it is, if you get married, your finances end up together, and then "our money" (even thought she makes a fraction of what I make) is now paying insurance, vehicles, apartments, etc.

I hadn't really considered much of this in the past. My friend has a stepson, and says how he bought him a truck, etc, and the dad doesn't do shit.

Also it complicates things for eventually moving in together, like if we did it now, we'd have to have a minimum 4 bedroom house, etc, and anything decent four bedroom here is ridiculously expensive, and I'm moving out of my house to pay cash for a much smaller house because I want to scale back and semi-retire, not take on an even larger debt burden.

So what do you do when your lifes financial plans don't match your hearts? And what have yall done in the past with second marriages when kids are involved?
Click to expand...
This is a lose/lose situation because if you are a decent guy, and you might be, you will eventually feel guilty and cave and pay for her kids.

If you don't want to pay for her kids, I'd make an excuse and get out now. Otherwise, there's only two outcomes... either you feel guilty and pay, or you keep a hard line and don't pay, and it ends up being a point of contention and ends the relationship anyway.

It sucks, and is kind of cold-blooded, but at the end of the day those are not your kids or your responsibility and you are not a scholarship program. The mom is not earning her kids tuition on her back with you. If you are practical about it and separate the emotion out from it, then there's only one thing to do.
 
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