Marriage and the Power of Divorce
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lindz
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Dear god that would be awful. Two people can be hard enough. Three though...
Khane
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Listen, without the sarcasm.... you're making it sound like you want it to be tough because you want to still feel like what you did while you were a stay at home mom was more necessary than it actually was. You're not even telling him what does and does not go into the day to day routine that you used to cover. You're expecting him to just know.
How unfair would you feel you were being treated if you started that new job after being out of the work force for so long and nobody trained you? They just complained when things didn't get done the way they wanted them to?
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lindz
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I totally get that and I've tried to be really conscious of that. We've been doing this for four months now and this is really just a case of me wanting the transition to be faster. One of the problems is that I've jumped into a second job over the past few months so I'm doing most of what I was doing before, plus the added hours out of the house. I know I'm really bad at delegating because often it's just easier to do it myself. Plus I hate nagging because that just makes both of us bitchy. I tried saying/doing nothing about the laundry and yesterday/today I finally just sucked it up and folded eight loads because it had become a giant laundry mountain in our room. I'm still learning when I should bite my tongue and just deal with it, when I should do it myself and when I should talk to him.
But beyond that I feel I need to explain the story now because I'm being vague as shit. Super sorry for the wall of text.
A lot of your guys know my husband has been writing for a few years now - his first book was published in June. Basically he was writing in the morning, going to the day job in Seattle tech industry then coming home and writing. Just before this started, I moved into a new career. So basically we were both stupid busy. And our marriage was really starting to hurt because of the stress he was dealing with. He was sinking further and further into depression, and he was lashing out at me pretty bad. In January, after the worst fight we ever had, I went to his parents, laid it all out there and asked for advice/help. I came back to him and told him to quit his job. Our marriage, our family and his mental health are so much more important to me than the life style we had. We were packing up and moving to Utah where we'd be close to his parents and they'd help us out while he wrote full time. I would get another job to help out - though my earning potential is nothing compared to a tech salary, anything would help. He would take on a lot of the stay at home stuff since a writing schedule allows for that more easily than my new schedule would.
So in a month and a half, I got us a new house, sold our old one and moved us all to good ole Utah. This is where the transition gets tough. I started work immediately - like within two weeks. Maybe we should have given it more time, but I'm the kind of person that likes to fix problems rather than talk about them so this was what fixing it felt like to me. Probably a bad decision. He finished up his book two, sent it off to his editor and has been in a weird limbo since while he waits for her edits. A couple weeks after the move though, we also started playing Everquest on the TLP server. This essentially became his job at that point. I'm trying really hard to be supportive because I know he was burned the fuck out from the grueling few years we had. I was too, but again, if I'm busy and "fixing" it, I can ignore a lot of shit. I play with him because we've always gamed together, but not hardcore like he'd (and blasphemy, I don't really like EQ all that much) but I'm still trying to get everything done. We had after the intitial EQ rush died down where he was keeping up with the household stuff more, but as time progressed and his editor still hadn't got back to him with edits, he grew more and more stressed so began to spend more time in game and ignore life again.
Which is where we're at again. I'm trying to be sensitive and cover a lot of the load, but I'm feeling like I get snapped at if I don't jump and do whatever he asks whenever he asks. I feel like I'll get a freak out if I try to talk about it - I did just before this and got a "give me a few days to come down off this double crazy few days in EQ, I'm really stressed." So I'm just trying to breathe, ride it out and using you guys to vent to. Sorry.
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Crone
Bronze Baronet of the Realm
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Man that sucks
Noodleface
! Back in Phoenix where we knew more people, inviting people over was the only time the clutter would get cleaned up. If you're wife is past that and just straight up doesn't care, that sucks.
And the way and frequency my wife does laundry, versus the way and frequency that I do dishes and clean the kitchen is like the battle royal in our house. Both have given up on that basically.
Noodleface
! Back in Phoenix where we knew more people, inviting people over was the only time the clutter would get cleaned up. If you're wife is past that and just straight up doesn't care, that sucks.And the way and frequency my wife does laundry, versus the way and frequency that I do dishes and clean the kitchen is like the battle royal in our house. Both have given up on that basically.
lindz
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I'm no peach. I dropped out of school to get married and move across the world at 19. I had serious issues with depression for years, major feelings of inadequacy over the inability to ever have a career or support myself. I'm now essentially working for free while I start my career that I've been working at for close to three years. We've made some poor life decisions to say the least.
What we do know is that if we had to do it all over again, I would never have been a stay at home mom and maybe he would have stayed at home with the kids. Not much good that does us now, but hey, it helps to finally understand myself. It took until I was almost 30 before I figured anything out at all.
What we do know is that if we had to do it all over again, I would never have been a stay at home mom and maybe he would have stayed at home with the kids. Not much good that does us now, but hey, it helps to finally understand myself. It took until I was almost 30 before I figured anything out at all.
Noodleface
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Noodleface
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Dishes are a matter of contention. She has extreme eczema that breaks out in soapy water so I have to do them. It's whatever. But she complains if I don't do them daily and sometimes getting home late at night and she's bitching and all I can think I's "none of this is from me!!!!"Man that sucks
And the way and frequency my wife does laundry, versus the way and frequency that I do dishes and clean the kitchen is like the battle royal in our house. Both have given up on that basically.
She stays on top of laundry in the way that she washes it. But I live out of laundry baskets.
Essentially this shit Is causing me to lose my mind
Khane
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Noodleface
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We have them. The gloves aggravate the condition just as bad. She has the worst eczema I've ever seen and no doctor has ever given her anything that works. She actually gets large pustules under her skin..
Noodleface
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moonarchia
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Noodleface
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My wife has that shit too. Backlogged stuff about donations, or putting something up in the house. I tell her my mind is just not wired to think about some of that stuff, but if she tells me I'll do it.
It's like cleaning for her, it just isn't there in her mind.
It's like cleaning for her, it just isn't there in her mind.
Omi43221
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"give me a few days to come down off this double crazy few days in EQ, I'm really stressed." [bcolor=rgb(24, 24, 24)]
I don't understand? He's being stressed out by playing EQ?
My girlfriend and I are gamers and we play together to. I'll bet since your gamers your kids play a lot of games to. I'm a firm believer you need to setup regular breaks.
Take a week off from gaming, zero, zilch for the entire family. Take some walks together, bike rides, prepare a family dinner together, and especially setup a time you
all clean together. This week break thing I would do it bare minimum atleast every 3 months. If the idea of taking a week off from gaming terrifies him the he's definetly
an addict and needs to walk away altogether.
You'll probably have to sell this but I would couch it in that we need to set a good example for the kids.
Omi43221
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I actually want something like this but not threesome, but foursome. Two men and two women. Just seems like there would be a lot of financial and organizational benefit if it wasn't just two people..... and sex would be interesting as well.