Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Tilluin said:

I can add some angst in for good measure.

On Saturday I told my wife I’m not sure I want to be married anymore. We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 4 and have a 1 year old son.

Until I said it out loud I was confident. As soon as I said it I started to doubt myself and what my motives are.

In the past 18 months I have set up my own business which is doing well but honestly takes up all of my attention and brain space 99% of the time. Money has also been very tight. We’ve survived but we’ve lost all spare money for holidays etc due to me giving up a well paid job to pursue my dream. My Grandma, who was a huge influence on me and lived to 93 years old, passed away, my son was born 12 hours after she died. I have struggled a lot with the feeling of injustice that my son didn’t get to meet my grandma, particularly as it was so close.

My wife is very ‘safe’. We rarely argue and it is only ever about tiny things. My major feeling is that our relationship is gone. I still care about her deeply as a person and don’t want to see her hurt, I also think she deserves to be treated better. When I look at her I’m not attracted to her anymore, I’m struggling with the fact I often have no motivation to be at home and would rather be at work. I neglect her and it feels like it’s by choice.

I am trying to figure out my thoughts but have many things conflicting and conflating. I own a gym which is doing well and has a real community. Our members love coming to the gym. They rave about it being their special place. I’m realising that I’ve put everything into it and that ultimately these people go home to their lives and families and I’m left with an empty building.

For months the ‘single life’ has been on my mind. Not necessarily other women, although I’ll mention that in a second, but living alone and having freedom. Since speaking to my wife I have started feeling an overwhelming sense of dread and fear about being alone. I don’t know if that is what’s motivating me to doubt everything I felt before or if I just hadn’t really thought about it.

For the last month I have been texting a girl from my gym. She is a member so it is stupid of me. I fear I’ve been the stereotypical mid 30s man. I’m 33, she’s 23. She’s absolutely stunning. We flirted for a while in person then started messaging and she got very flirty and then sexual over the weeks. I asked her on a date and we went out. I was aware she’d been dumped by her last boyfriend and he didn’t explain why he just left and she had been damaged by that. Our date was fantastic, seriously great. 5 hours of non stop eye contact. I felt no guilt about being out with another woman and when we kissed a couple of times towards the end of the night I felt nothing but excitement. We agreed to go out again. I had told her my marriage was over and lied that I’d told my wife months ago.

When I asked her out for a second date the next day she said we needed to talk. On Monday we spoke and she told me she had an amazing time and shares my feelings about it but can’t get her head straight about being with someone and thinks it’s to do with her ex. I know she’d been on a date in January with a guy and the date hadn’t been great but she told me that she’d had the same thoughts then and thought our date was so good that it would help her move past them.

I can’t lie, I’m gutted. I haven’t fully processed it yet but I’m sure it’s a mixture of the fact our date and connection were so good, she’s so attractive, it was giving me a new vine to swing from immediately and it was new and exciting and I felt alive again. I also feel like I need to change her mind and seeing her each time she comes into the gym is all I’ve focused on since. That feels naive though and having been in a relationship for 10 years all these feelings are alien to me again.

I also wonder if my date on Friday is what motivated me to speak to my wife on Saturday. And then whether this girl doing this is what’s motivating my doubts and fears of being alone. I have decided not to tell my wife as I think it would only hurt her.

I also think I have struggled with being a dad. Before my son was born I felt strongly about being around as much as possible. Now I think about ways I can not be around. I have a lovely relationship with him but I worry I don’t feel what everyone else feels. The prospect of being a part time dad somewhat appeals to me and that makes me feel awful.

When I told my wife she said she had been feeling similar things - that she’s been unhappy with how I’ve been for a while. That she’s known I’m unhappy in life and struggling. She isn’t sure what she wants but she knows she needs me to change. I don’t know if I’m capable of it and actually if I even want to. The reason my business is doing so well is because I’m putting so much into it.

I have asked my wife if we can take some weeks and maybe months to just keep talking. Keep speaking about how we feel and what’s best. My mum says we should stay together for my son but I feel like that would be wrong as he would see me grow into an even bigger dark cloud over the home and I think my wife and I could be that rare example of friends who co-parent.

I am a highly stressed person and with all the stuff gone on in the last 18 months I fear it’s all piled up on me and I’m not thinking straight. I’m also quite a self destructive person and get restless and make impulsive decisions.

I have decided to speak to a counsellor - I’ve found talking to a few close people to me has helped. Not to come to a decision but the weight feels lighter. I am hopeful that speaking to a counsellor will give me some insight and clarity.

Am I truly unhappy, am I just afraid of the commitments I’ve made, am I afraid of being alone and that’s making me doubt it. Many questions to try and answer.

If I’m honest it all feels very unfair to my wife.

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