Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Oblio said:

Earlier today my wife and took a sauna together. She was feeling very frisky and asked if I was up for fooling around. We have never really fucked in the sauna for obvious heat related reasons, but today I was feeling good and I really try to not decline when my wife initiates. Somehow my wife managed to call our 14 year old on the discord app, I have no idea how she did this.

Anyway fast forward to later this morning when my wife was dropping our boys off at practice and my 14 year old says, "Mom can I talk to you?" He was embarrassed and nervous to tell her, we are not sure what he heard. But he definitely heard "fuck me." The call only lasted a minute and we weren't do anything super kinky or role playing in any way so it can't be that bad other than he knows it isn't always lovey dovey and his Mom says "fuck me." I told my wife don't worry, it isn't as bad as him walking in on us and seeing it. I am not happy it happened, but I am not really upset either. I am sure we will all laugh about it 10years or so.

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You wife brings her phone into the sauna? The fuck?

Kirun said:

You wife brings her phone into the sauna? The fuck?

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Lol normally no, she usually sets her timer and leaves it just outside. I think she had it wrapped in her towel and forgot because she was planning on seducing me. Funny how going off routine can really create some unique moments.

Wantonsoup95 said:

I've been debating on saying anything, I think I'm going for the disconnect route and just be the c and e in law only. See ya at Easter and see ya at Christmas. No birthday parties no Thanksgiving, just the key holidays and see ya next year.

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Assert dominance here or be ready for them to start filling your wife's head full of disrespectful bullshit. She is already defending this shit as it is. Sack up and let them know that this sort of shit is unacceptable for family. They knew damn well what they were doing because they acted coy when you caught them on it. It will cause some drama short term, but long term you will be a much more happily married man and keep your pride.

Wantonsoup95 said:

So around May or so the in-laws had a get together. I was talking with the father in law about how all us guys should get together and do a fishing day trip around fathers day.

Fast forward to the day before Fathers day and my brother in law text me, hey what time are you heading up tomorrow, I had no idea what he was talking about and found out that they had planned the fishing trip but I was never invited. He spilled the beans about the trip I wasn't supposed to know about and plain old ignored the subject after asking what time I'd be heading over there.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it but the whole shit soured me a bit. Talked with my wife about it and she was saying oh he just wanted to take his boys with. But they (the in laws) never once in our 16 years together have done anything on fathers day. But in the same year I suggest something to do, they all do it minus me, hard to not take that personally.

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My situation is similar but also different. I know my father in-law likes me, but he has an odd way of showing it. For context he never said "I love you" to his kids until I came along 25 years ago. It is obvious he loves his kids, he just struggled to say it because his parents never said it etc. Anyway, about a decade ago there was a car show my father in-law really wanted to go to, but his son couldn't go because of work. I give two shits about cars but I thought I would be nice and offer to go as a fill in for his son. His response "your not my son." My response was "you are right, I will remember that in the future when I try to do something nice for you." We have never talked about it since, but we have also never hung out one on one.

He does shit with his son all the time, and that is fine I honestly do not mind that the lines are drawn where they are. My father in-law comes to all my kids sporting events, science fairs, band concerts etc. He is a good man and he knows I love his daughter and think that is all he needs from me. My mother in-law on the other hand loves me and goes out of her way to do nice things for me and make me feel loved. Overall I am pretty lucky when it comes to in-laws, they have never once told me how to act or live my life.

Wantonsoup, I am sorry you are dealing with this shit. I don't know your personality so this advice comes from how I would do things. I would confront all of them and make them draw clear lines going forward. I wouldn't be super combative, but I also would not accept anything less than a clear and definitive answer.

Are you each going to your own family separately on those holidays? Thats a recipe for her family to poison her head with disrespectful shit and resentment. Not saying your wife can't recognize and ignore it, but be on guard for that kind of crap.

Wantonsoup95 not counting this recent shitfest, how do your in-laws treat you normally? Has there been tension over the years? Justified or not, from their point of view do they have a reason to dislike you? Does your wife's Dad think she could have done better? How does he treat your children? Is her Dad the ring leader of the dislike or does it come from one of the brothers? Or is it the Mother in-law pulling all the strings? I think some added context would lead to better advice.

Wantonsoup95 said:

It's all been good in the past, I've not heard anything bad. No kids to get in the middle of this mess.

I was just sick of sitting around in the living rooms talking doing nothing so I suggested an actual thing to do.

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Well in that case here is my advice, again it is how I would do things based on my personality. I do not shy away from confrontation, so I would confront the father in-law at the very least. I would NOT do it in a shit shitty combative accusatory way, I would calmly ask "why I was excluded?" I would then follow up with clarifying/probing questions. I would not accept any response with out explanation and reasoning.

I would also 1000% make sure your wife is on board with any outcome, because shit like this can go bad quick. Is your wife Ride or Die?

Oblio said:

Well in that case here is my advice, again it is how I would do things based on my personality. I do not shy away from confrontation, so I would confront the father in-law at the very least. I would NOT do it in a shit shitty combative accusatory way, I would calmly ask "why I was excluded?" I would then follow up with clarifying/probing questions. I would not accept any response with out explanation and reasoning.

I would also 1000% make sure your wife is on board with any outcome, because shit like this can go bad quick. Is your wife Ride or Die?

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What a waste of time.

He was excluded because he's not his son. Son in law is fine, but father/son shit doesn't need to always extent to marriage. Sometimes it does...a lot of times it doesn't.

The guy doesn't owe you any explanation for not wanting to spend time with you. Doesn't matter the reason. Starting this shit will lead to a gigantic rift and it ain't worth it.

There's literally nothing to be gained from this, and only a shitload of strife that his wife will be in the middle of.

Cutlery said:

What a waste of time.

He was excluded because he's not his son. Son in law is fine, but father/son shit doesn't need to always extent to marriage. Sometimes it does...a lot of times it doesn't.

The guy doesn't owe you any explanation for not wanting to spend time with you. Doesn't matter the reason. Starting this shit will lead to a gigantic rift and it ain't worth it.

There's literally nothing to be gained from this, and only a shitload of strife that his wife will be in the middle of.

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So what is your advice? Do nothing? Say nothing? Fair enough.

I am not built that way, which is why I said it was what I would do. I hate sweeping shit under the rug and I understand that choosing my course of action is a double edged sword. It is also why I said make sure your wife is ride or die.

I would rather not speak to them again versus feel unwanted/disliked in their presence, I couldn't live with myself if I had to be fake in front of them the rest of our lives. Remember it was Wantonsoup95's idea, so I totally understand why being excluded felt personal.

Oblio said:

So what is your advice? Do nothing? Say nothing? Fair enough.

I am not built that way, which is why I said it was what I would do. I hate sweeping shit under the rug and I understand that choosing my course of action is a double edged sword. It is also why I said make sure your wife is ride or die.

I would rather not speak to them again versus feel unwanted/disliked in their presence, I couldn't live with myself if I had to be fake in front of them the rest of our lives. Remember it was Wantonsoup95's idea, so I totally understand why being excluded felt personal.

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My idea is exactly what he's doing. If they don't want to be around you, don't be around them. You're not family. You starting shit with your in-laws affects exactly one person. And what you are saying is that you don't love her enough to override your own self control.

I don't tolerate disrespect either, but let's be fucking real here. Starting shit is going to accomplish nothing. You're never going to change anyone's mind, so why start the conversation? All you're doing is gonna make your wife's life hell for no reason. All because you're "disrespected." That's jogger shit. Being the man means you calmly stand up, walk away, and never bring it up again because you don't interact with them again unless they ask.

*Fixed a pronoun