Marriage and the Power of Divorce

moonarchia

moonarchia

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Wantonsoup95 said:
So around May or so the in-laws had a get together. I was talking with the father in law about how all us guys should get together and do a fishing day trip around fathers day.

Fast forward to the day before Fathers day and my brother in law text me, hey what time are you heading up tomorrow, I had no idea what he was talking about and found out that they had planned the fishing trip but I was never invited. He spilled the beans about the trip I wasn't supposed to know about and plain old ignored the subject after asking what time I'd be heading over there.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it but the whole shit soured me a bit. Talked with my wife about it and she was saying oh he just wanted to take his boys with. But they (the in laws) never once in our 16 years together have done anything on fathers day. But in the same year I suggest something to do, they all do it minus me, hard to not take that personally.
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Did you actually want to spend an entire day fishing with them? Are you really close to them and usually spend a lot of time together? If not, why are you putting so much time and thought into it? It seems like an extremely minor bit of rudeness at the absolute worst.

If you think this is something terribly important, just ask your FIL the question point blank and go from there. Letting this kind of thing fester does far far more damage than the actual initial insult.
 
Palum

Palum

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Why do you NEED to be buddies with your in-laws? I mean it seems pretty whiny to me if I'm like "hey pa in law how come you went fishing with your son and didn't invite me???". Yea kinda sucky the one kid flubbed and notified you.

It sounds like you're trying hard to get them to accept and include you, but how often do you plan, invite and coordinate with them to do things on your own effort? Maybe I missed that backstory.

IDK, I have no "need" to be considered BFFLs with in-laws, cordial is fine. Holidays and inheritance is all I expect.
 
Cutlery

Cutlery

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Palum said:
Why do you NEED to be buddies with your in-laws? I mean it seems pretty whiny to me if I'm like "hey pa in law how come you went fishing with your son and didn't invite me???". Yea kinda sucky the one kid flubbed and notified you.

It sounds like you're trying hard to get them to accept and include you, but how often do you plan, invite and coordinate with them to do things on your own effort? Maybe I missed that backstory.

IDK, I have no "need" to be considered BFFLs with in-laws, cordial is fine. Holidays and inheritance is all I expect.
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I treat it like my SO's friends.

I don't need your friends. I have my own friends. I don't want more friends. We can be cool, I can be cordial when we hang out. But we're not friends.
 
Hoss

Hoss

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Wantonsoup95 said:
I've been debating on saying anything, I think I'm going for the disconnect route and just be the c and e in law only. See ya at Easter and see ya at Christmas. No birthday parties no Thanksgiving, just the key holidays and see ya next year.
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There's been some terrible advice on this. Your approach isn't too far off from correct. Just accept that not everyone has to like you (you say you have) and continue on like normal. Your wife should be your focus, not her family. I wouldn't mention to anyone how shitty it was except your wife. If your wife wants to get onto her dad about it, so be it. Not your decision, not your concern. I agree with the plan of simply prioritizing your family over hers but you still gotta throw them a bone on holidays. Maybe do double christmas every other year and theirs has to be scheduled around yours. You don't want them go from not caring to outright resenting you. When you are together, keep throwing out great family get together ideas. Deep sea fishing. Hunting. Skydiving. If they keep taking your suggestions, keep ramping up the stupidity level. See if you can get them to go base jumping.

Also, understand there might be an actual good reason they didn't invite you. Maybe they didn't have room on the boat. If there are 3 sons and the guide only had room for 4, can you blame them?


My wife's family doesn't like me and I just don't give a fuck. In fairness one of my wife's sisters likes me (she'd probably fuck me) and I'm growing on her mom. But there's still lots of coldness, polite conversation, and occasional snide remarks. I'm the only adult male in the family so I still help them when they need it. Still show up to holidays and birthdays, etc. It helps that I know the reason they dislike me is that they're miserable libtards living in a constant state of fear. So it's fun to go see them and shove our happiness in their faces. My wife shows me the family text string once in a while and it's filled with "We fInaLlY GoT hIM!!!111!one1!!" type shit.
 
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Larnix

Larnix

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My wife's parents are super liberal and with covid it only made things worse. Her mom and I don't get along at all. Her entire family just gives in to every demand and then complains behind her back.

When we first moved back to Iowa we would make the 1.5 hour drive out to stay the weekend every single weekend. It would always end with a dinner 2 to 3 hours later then agreed and me driving us home at 1030pm knowing I had to get up for work at 345. I finally stopped going out unless it's for holidays or big events.

At first my wife was very upset saying I only came out when it was fun. However after a few weekends of her making the drive home she started coming back at a decent time, then she started going out less and less and now her parents make the trip this way just as much.

She will still try to stay later if she knows I'm there to drive home. I finally put a stop to that by just driving out separate and leaving at a decent time. Nothing bothers me more than sitting around doing nothing when I know I could be home working on my own stuff.

I vote for still going for holidays and special events but no reason to spend time if you have better things to do.
 
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Palum

Palum

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Larnix said:
My wife's parents are super liberal and with covid it only made things worse. Her mom and I don't get along at all. Her entire family just gives in to every demand and then complains behind her back.

When we first moved back to Iowa we would make the 1.5 hour drive out to stay the weekend every single weekend. It would always end with a dinner 2 to 3 hours later then agreed and me driving us home at 1030pm knowing I had to get up for work at 345. I finally stopped going out unless it's for holidays or big events.

At first my wife was very upset saying I only came out when it was fun. However after a few weekends of her making the drive home she started coming back at a decent time, then she started going out less and less and now her parents make the trip this way just as much.

She will still try to stay later if she knows I'm there to drive home. I finally put a stop to that by just driving out separate and leaving at a decent time. Nothing bothers me more than sitting around doing nothing when I know I could be home working on my own stuff.

I vote for still going for holidays and special events but no reason to spend time if you have better things to do.
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I don't understand this, you were voluntarily staying at your in laws who you don't like that much every weekend just for a social visit?

I'm like a couple times a quarter if fam is local, once or twice a year if regional and once or twice a decade if across the country. If we're friendly and they do the same that doubles it. If they aren't that just ends up being a holiday, visit on the way through or a wedding/funeral.
 
Larnix

Larnix

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Palum said:
I don't understand this, you were voluntarily staying at your in laws who you don't like that much every weekend just for a social visit?

I'm like a couple times a quarter if fam is local, once or twice a year if regional and once or twice a decade if across the country. If we're friendly and they do the same that doubles it. If they aren't that just ends up being a holiday, visit on the way through or a wedding/funeral.
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Before moving we had lived overseas for 10 years and were living in a extended stay hotel for 90 days while we closed on our house with a 2 year old and a 6 month old. At first going out to visit wasn't a chore plus good to get children out of the hotel.

Up to that point I would only see the MIL once or twice a year and it was never a problem. After we moved It began to sour then after we closed on our home I started going out less and less.
 
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BrutulTM

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It's becoming clear why some people here spend so much time on the internet...
 
Larnix

Larnix

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Palum said:
Clearly I'm an idiot you guys go on vacation every weekend out of town.
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My wife and I both come from small towns her from Iowa and myself from Ohio. A trip to the store was almost and hour growing up. I wouldn't consider 1.5 hour drive a vacation or anything.

That being said we are gone most weekends hanging with her cousins about 40 minutes away. We are all the about same age, with kids about the same age and all like minded i.e. right wing extremists!
 
Bandwagon

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Curious what others thing about this situation. I'll try to be fairly brief.

Ex and I dated for 8 years, never married. During that time, I paid 100% of the rent (eventually mortgage) and about half of the utilities & groceries. She paid the other half of utilities & groceries, and also bought any of the home furnishing stuff (couch, curtains, etc). When I bought a house (100% under my name), she wanted to get the inside painted. I said no and that I wasn't going to pay for that, but she really wanted to and said she'd pay for it (found out later that her mom loaned her money for it).

After we broke up, she still lived with me for 2 years. After a year or so, I asked her to help out with the mortgage a little bit, in the way of rent. (I think I asked for something small like $200 or $300). She refused and basically had a meltdown. I didn't push the issue any further, and she ended up moving out a year later.

Now, a year after moving out, she's getting the rest of her shit out of my house. It bugs me a little bit that she's taking stuff like curtains and the microwave and what not, just because they're only "hers" because we had agreed that if I'm paying all the rent, she pays for the appliances.

I'm not going to fight with her on any of that stuff, but I'm just wondering if anyone else thinks that situation is a little bit unfair? I told her "if you paid for it, you can take it" despite all that.

The only reason I'm asking about the stuff above is because she's also asking me to reimburse her for the cost of the new carpet and getting the inside painted. That's more of a sticking point for me because I didn't want to pay for the paint anyways and told her I wasn't going to at the time....but both of them also contribute to the value of the house I own entirely, so I can see an argument in her favor. THIS is the main thing I'm curious to get opinions on, seasoned with the knowledge that I'm letting her take all the other shit I described above without any sort of a fight.
 
C

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Bandwagon said:
Curious what others thing about this situation. I'll try to be fairly brief.

Ex and I dated for 8 years, never married. During that time, I paid 100% of the rent (eventually mortgage) and about half of the utilities & groceries. She paid the other half of utilities & groceries, and also bought any of the home furnishing stuff (couch, curtains, etc). When I bought a house (100% under my name), she wanted to get the inside painted. I said no and that I wasn't going to pay for that, but she really wanted to and said she'd pay for it (found out later that her mom loaned her money for it).

After we broke up, she still lived with me for 2 years. After a year or so, I asked her to help out with the mortgage a little bit, in the way of rent. (I think I asked for something small like $200 or $300). She refused and basically had a meltdown. I didn't push the issue any further, and she ended up moving out a year later.

Now, a year after moving out, she's getting the rest of her shit out of my house. It bugs me a little bit that she's taking stuff like curtains and the microwave and what not, just because they're only "hers" because we had agreed that if I'm paying all the rent, she pays for the appliances.

I'm not going to fight with her on any of that stuff, but I'm just wondering if anyone else thinks that situation is a little bit unfair? I told her "if you paid for it, you can take it" despite all that.

The only reason I'm asking about the stuff above is because she's also asking me to reimburse her for the cost of the new carpet and getting the inside painted. That's more of a sticking point for me because I didn't want to pay for the paint anyways and told her I wasn't going to at the time....but both of them also contribute to the value of the house I own entirely, so I can see an argument in her favor. THIS is the main thing I'm curious to get opinions on, seasoned with the knowledge that I'm letting her take all the other shit I described above without any sort of a fight.
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I think you've let things go more than long enough. Let her take her shit and gtfo. If she wanted lasting value from the paint she shouldn't have put it in someone else's house.
 
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Tarrant

Tarrant

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Eh, if she bought stuff just let her take the stuff. Tell her she’s out of luck with carpet and paint. If she rented the landlord wouldn’t pay her back for any of that and that’s essentially what you were. While I don’t know the outcome of a small claims case if it went to that, I’d roll the dice for sure that it would work in your favor.
 
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Bandwagon

Bandwagon

Kolohe
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Captain Suave said:
I think you've let things go more than long enough. Let her take her shit and gtfo. If she wanted lasting value from the paint she shouldn't have put it in someone else's house.
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Yea I think I've been more than patient, but we also have a kid and I'm afraid she's going to go psycho ex if I push her on anything.

My girlfriend (of 1.5 years) still does not live with me JUST because my Ex does not want another woman around our 5yo. I've never fought her on that and have told her "I would feel the same way if the roles were reversed, but I can still admit that it's 'unreasonable', even if understandable", but she's not having it.

So, there's also a extra financial burden on both my gf and I because we live in separate houses, entirely out of respect for my ex's concerns about another woman being around her 5yo in any sort of "motherly" capacity. And also because the most important thing to me is seeing my daughter and I don't want to poke the bear.

I've bent over backwards for her, changing my work schedule constantly any time she has a new whim or whatever, just so I can still see my daughter every day. She's with me 3 or 4 days a week, and on the days she's not with me I still pick her up in the morning for school and drop her off after school just so I can see her for 15 minutes.
 
Tarrant

Tarrant

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Bandwagon said:
Yea I think I've been more than patient, but we also have a kid and I'm afraid she's going to go psycho ex if I push her on anything.

My girlfriend (of 1.5 years) still does not live with me JUST because my Ex does not want another woman around our 5yo. I've never fought her on that and have told her "I would feel the same way if the roles were reversed, but I can still admit that it's 'unreasonable', even if understandable", but she's not having it.

So, there's also a extra financial burden on both my gf and I because we live in separate houses, entirely out of respect for my ex's concerns about another woman being around her 5yo in any sort of "motherly" capacity. And also because the most important thing to me is seeing my daughter and I don't want to poke the bear.

I've bent over backwards for her, changing my work schedule constantly any time she has a new whim or whatever, just so I can still see my daughter every day. She's with me 3 or 4 days a week, and on the days she's not with me I still pick her up in the morning for school and drop her off after school just so I can see her for 15 minutes
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That’s crazy. If you want her to move in, have her move in. No judge will interfere with a 18 month relationship being around the kid. Most I’ve ever seen is one year. You’re allowed to live your life and honestly how much longer is your gf going to deal with that?

this is a move by your ex to still maintain power over you when she should have none. Don’t let her get away with that.
 
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C

Captain Suave

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Bandwagon said:
we also have a kid
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Ahh. That makes it more complicated. You'll have to run the risk/reward analysis on what it'll do to your future relationship and how much that's worth to you financially. Personally, I'd have drawn the line a while back.
 
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Bandwagon

Bandwagon

Kolohe
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Thanks for the input fellas.
Yea, I think it's time I get a consultation from a family law lawyer. I'm just about at the end of my patience with all this stuff and would like to see if I can get a little protection before I drop the "my gf is moving in" thing on her. I just want to protect my 50% of the time with my daughter, and also see if there's a way I can keep my ex from moving 2 states away as soon as I tell her my ex is moving in....which is what I'm expecting.
 
C

Captain Suave

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Bandwagon said:
I think it's time I get a consultation from a family law lawyer.
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Definitely. Had you been married and divorced, the court might place limitations on the distance, timing, and circumstances of any move that would change your ability to spend time with your daughter. You'll need to get prepared on the legal side of things since the courts haven't been involved yet.

What state? If you're in GA by any chance I have a very good friend who is a family attorney.
 
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