Marriage and the Power of Divorce

crimsonsin_sl said:

So not to rerail this thing, but looks like Im on the fast track to a divorce. Gonna be a long shitty year methinks.

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That sucks, are you the one initiating? You dont have to give details, but if you want to vent, this might be a good spot !

Fast track to a long year =(

Nice kid woos nice girl. Helps her raise her daughter with non existant pos dad that she had stayed with through years of abuse. Get married. Puss out on actually listening to wife about her wanting nice respectful husband. Read redpill shit and get complex that shes only with me because she has a child and needed a daddy for her. Neglect wife for five years, attempt to go back to being myself but fail due to not being able to let stupid little things go. Wife has emotional affair, attempt to save marriage but wife no longer believes I can change or that Im being authentic even with couples therapy. Tell her I cant deal with seeing her if its not going to work. Go no contact, leave home with clothes and pc.

Fail.

Welp, that wasn't what I expected. When exactly did you start reading RP theory and why?

Ive had this thing where I have no concept of when a woman actually likes me vs when I give too much and end up getting strung along. I kinda stumbled upon the subreddit one day and from there it was all downhill.

Hey man, at least you can admit you fucked up. A lot of dudes would just blame the woman. Sorry to hear it, in any case.

Id like to believe that. But when the woman tells you that she even thinks youre putting on an act so you dont have to move out I didnt see much hope. She wants time to rebuild herself and every time she sees me it just reinforces all the negative things she believes about herself that I pounded into her head. I dont think theres a lot of coming back from that. Believe me I royally fucked her up in the head due to my own stupidity and I do deserve this. It just sucks that sometimes by the time you realize what youve done its far too late.

On the serious what would you suggest Tuco?

RedPill isn't for use during a marriage. You needMMSLinstead. It's a mixture of leadership and cooperation instead of the more absolute independence and assertiveness that RP espouses pre-marriage. (And fuck off Khane, I'm trying to help)

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crimsonsin_sl said:

Id like to believe that. But when the woman tells you that she even thinks youre putting on an act so you dont have to move out I didnt see much hope. She wants time to rebuild herself and every time she sees me it just reinforces all the negative things she believes about herself that I pounded into her head. I dont think theres a lot of coming back from that. Believe me I royally fucked her up in the head due to my own stupidity and I do deserve this. It just sucks that sometimes by the time you realize what youve done its far too late.

On the serious what would you suggest Tuco?

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Go to my link and read the forum/blog. Typical recovery for people who worked at it is ~1 month for every year of marriage.

So it sounds like his wife thinks that nothing he does is genuine and its all some bullshit RP thing to fool her again. I can't imagine anything worse than for him to try and follow some new bullshit like MMSL.

Do you believe that red pill shit? Take some time and sort yourself out first. Get your personal mental and emotional ducks in a row, so that you can figure out what you really want in the situation. Cause let's face it, you wouldn't be able to pull of a red pill act for an extended period of time unless you felt like it was the truth on at least some level. Once you have got yourself figured out you can revisit the subject with your wife if she is interested. If she is then you guys can make an honest effort to save the marriage if that is what you want. If she isnt, then at the very least you will have made some sort of peace with where you are and can go through the process as a even headed adult most likely.

On the cold hard truth front though, you have a pretty uphill battle if your fighting the ideal of her first love being in her life. So prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Tarrant_sl said:

This is where you go "Oh, I didn't realize you said windchills"

Embarrass MN has some of the coldest temps on record in the continental US. It sucks. in 1996 it was -60 actual, windchills were much worse.

Then in the summer it reaches over 100 with 90%+ humidity.

In short, don't come to Minnesota.

But please, continue to tell me how it is where I live. *nod*

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You see, I always imagined that Minnesota was a cold yet placid place. I am looking forward to retiring at Lake Woebegone.

But on second thought -- FUCK THAT. It's like here in the summer and it's like a million times worse in the winter?

And about the redpill nonsense.

The marriage is probably dead man, and that can't be helped. Which you know.

There is still a chance to salvage a friendship out of it I would expect. But if you took her from an emotionally abusive situation and then, mistakenly and without malice, engaged her in another one... she'll probably just shut down. It's defensive. And like Suin said it'll probably take years.

That's shitty but some good can still come out of it. Probably not the good that you genuinely do want, but some good nonetheless. That's rebuilding trust. It's gonna take time and being able to resist grand gestures. Small, consistient change. Grand gestures will only drive her further away.