i originally posted this on
/r/movies and it blew up before mods inexplicably deleted it. a few people told me you guys would enjoy this.
alright, so think about it like this.
Javier Bardem is god.
Jennifer Lawrence is mother earth.
The movie starts, she wakes up. She’s like yo where’s this motherfucker at?
She goes outside and there ain’t shit as far as you can see. No people, no houses, nothing, just grass and shit. This is the earth pre-human civilization.
he pops up behind her and she’s like what are you up to and he’s like nothing, just working on some shit, it’s nothing. But you know he’s up to some shit. (By the way, he’s a poet in the movie.) She’s like ok, i’m just gonna keep working on the house (which represents physical earth and is an extension of mother earth herself).
All of a sudden, boom. Some dude arrives. This is adam.
Mother earth is like yo what the fuck is this, god? This is our shit, we built this, you can’t just bring someone else in on our shit.
God is like, nah it’s cool, trust me. She’s like ok i guess.
All of a sudden, god & adam are super close. God is like yo adam, i made you and adam is like bro lol that’s dope, yo what’s that crystal thing? God is like you can’t touch it, it’s mine, i made that from the last time i destroyed everything. This is the forbidden fruit.
Then a little while later, mother earth walks in on adam puking in the toilet after a night of drinks with god and she sees he’s got a nasty ass wound right on his ribs. This is adam’s rib that god used to create eve.
Sure enough, next day, boom, eve is here. Mother earth is like yo wtf, there’s another one!? And god is like yeah, it’s cool, just chill.
And eve is a conniving bitch too. She’s like oh man, this is a nice place, show me around, sike, i’m gonna go up here to this office and mother earth is like you can never go in there! This is the garden of eden.
Mother earth is like yo god, i told you i don’t like these people, i want them out of here, this is my shit. And god is still like no i’m telling you, it’s cool, they got nowhere else to go.
Then one day, smash you hear some glass break and what do you know, it’s that crystal. And who broke it? Fucking adam and eve of course. God runs in and is like wtf i told yall not to touch it, everybody get the fuck out. Then he boards the room up thus banishing adam and eve from the garden of eden.
Right when they’re about to leave, all of a sudden their two sons come busting in the house. That’s cain and abel.
Mother earth is like wtf, they have kids too!? And god is like it’s cool, i’ll take care of this.
Cain is like yo dad what the fuck you’re leaving everything in your will to abel, what about me? And abel is like you suck bro, i’m dad’s favorite. Cain is like shut the fuck up abel, i’m gonna kill you and abel is like nah. God comes in and he’s like cain, you need to chill bro. Cain is like ok… sike, i’m gonna kill this motherfucker and proceeds to bash his head in with a doorknob.
Cain takes off into the wilderness to become a restless wanderer. God and adam and eve take abel to the hospital.
Then god and adam and eve come back and tell mother earth that abel’s dead then all these other people show up out of nowhere to mourn his death.
They start tearing shit up. They’re breaking shit left and right and there’s this one sink in the kitchen they keep sitting on. Mother earth is like y’all better get off that shit i swear to god and they’re like nah and the sink breaks. Water starts spraying everywhere and mother earth is like yo everyone get the FUCK out of my house. This is the great flood. Everybody is gone.
Then god and mother earth start arguing. She’s like why do you keep allowing people in our house and he’s like this is my house too and these are my fans and they love my poetry. She’s like oh yeah, you wanna create some shit? How about you fuck me for once (DAMN) and we’ll create some beautiful shit. He’s like i got you.
They start making out on the stairs and then we cut to the next scene and they’re in bed and she’s like i’m pregnant. He’s like lol wat, we just fucked last night. And she’s like yeah but i know. He’s like dope, we’re gonna have a baby. This is the immaculate conception of jesus.
He’s all happy and she’s like cool, well i’m gonna start cleaning up the apocalypse in the kitchen. That’s called foreshadowing, kids.
So now we fast forward and mother earth is pregnant and she’s nesting for the baby and shit. While she’s doing that, god is like man i’m feeling inspired and he starts writing again. She’s like whatever, i’m not gonna bother you then. Then he’s like i’m done and she reads it and she’s like it’s beautiful. Then his publisher shows up (and it’s kristen wiig wtf) and mother earth is like what the fuck is she doing here and god is like she read it and she loved it. And mother earth is like how the fuck did she read it already, we don’t even have internet but god is like nah, chill.
Time to buckle up because this is where shit starts getting crazy.
Now all these people are showing up at the house and they’re like god, we love your work. We idolize you, we just want you to touch us. This is the start of christianity (or really most religions).
Mother earth is like wtf, no god, don’t let them in here but god is like nah, they’re my fans, i gotta share my shit with them. But these fans are nuts and they’re eating all of mother earth’s food and ripping up the house and taking anything that may have been touched by god. But god is still like ahh, i love these people and they love me and it feels awesome. Mother earth is like wtf god, i’m pregnant with your kid, that’s not enough for you?
But now these people are getting downright fucking nuts. They’re fighting over shit and killing each other. KRISTEN WIIG IS SHOOTING MOTHERFUCKERS EXECUTION STYLE IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD.
She’s like is it hot in here or is it just me? lol global warming.
Riot police show up, people start blowing shit up, all of a sudden people are locked in cages and shit is just going absolutely bananas.
While all of this is going on, mother earth is going into labor. She’s crawling through the house trying to find god but she keeps running into crazier and crazier shit.
Finally god comes and he’s like oh shit, let’s get you somewhere safe and he drags her through the crowd and breaks open the doors to the garden of eden, takes her in there and barricades them inside.
Shit is still going nuts outside while she’s giving birth. She’s screaming loud as fuck and then boom, baby pops out. God is like it’s a boy (cuz it’s jesus) and all of a sudden everything outside gets silent.
Mother earth is like why the fuck is it so quiet out there? God is like they’re just waiting to see the baby. They brought us gifts and it’s a bunch of fruit and blankets and shit.
Then god is like let me hold him. Mother earth is like no, i know what you’re up to. God is like that’s my kid, let me hold him and mother earth is like FUCK NO go away. Then they just go into an epic staredown. They’re staring at each other for like three days while she holds jesus. Apparently he didn’t need to shit or pee or anything.
Then finally mother earth loses the staring contest and dozes off for literally like a second and wakes up and jesus is gone.
She runs outside and god is holding up jesus and the crowd is going nuts. She goes to grab jesus but it’s too late, god already passed him into the crowd.
Jesus is being passed around and is unleashing three days worth of pee on the crowd. I’m not kidding, he’s literally peeing into the crowd and they love it.
Mother earth is running through the crowd trying to catch her baby. Baby jesus is just crowdsurfing and pissing everywhere when all of a sudden HIS NECK FUCKING SNAPS.
THAT SHIT WAS FUCKING CRAZY.
Mother earth is like WTF YOU KILLED MY SON. and they’re like we’re sorry but he died for us and they start FUCKING EATING BABY JESUS.
God is like no baby, it was an accident, we have to forgive them. Mother earth is like fuck all you motherfuckers and she runs to the basement. She’s had it up to here with this shit.
She grabs a lighter and an axe and goes up to this big ass tank of oil and hits it with the axe and spills oil everywhere. God comes running down and he’s like no don’t do it, these are my people, i love you. And mother earth is like you don’t love me, you only love that i love you. And she sets the fucking house on fire. The motherfucking apocalypse.
The whole house pretty much bursts into flames, everyone inside dies, the house explodes and you see mother earth’s face literally burning as she sheds a tear.
Cut to the next scene, and there’s smug ass god standing there in perfect condition (you know, because he’s god and nothing hurts him). He picks mother earth up out of the ashes and she’s barely breathing.
She’s like i’m dead and he’s like wait i need one more thing. And she’s like motherfucker i gave you everything and now i’m dying. He’s like i need your heart and she’s like ok i guess, i don’t need it anymore. So he digs into her chest, pulls her heart out, she dies, then he squeezes her heart and it becomes that crystal thing that was the forbidden fruit.
Next scene, mother earth wakes up and she’s like yo, where’s this motherfucker at? But it’s not jennifer lawrence. End of movie.
tl;dr god is a self-righteous prick and accidentally destroys earth but it’s cool because he can just make another one.
