My dad is probably dying, i am both worried sick and mad

Goatface · Oct 7, 2025

in a couple of weeks, will be the 3 year anniversary of my dad having a heart event and spending his birthday in the hospital. his heart was at 25% afterwards. with some effort he got it back up to 30-35%, but he is in his late 70's, so there is a limit to what he can/wants to do. over the years had a lot of ups and downs. he is in stage 4 heart and kidney failure.
over the last month, he had put on weight, like 9lbs in 3 weeks. tried to get him to call the doctors, but no amount of debating would get him to go. parents went on long road trip to visit her sister and he gained 11 pounds in couple of days. he went an saw his pp but mainly over having what he thought was sinus pain. she saw his kidneys were doing worse, but he doubled his fluid pills, but only lost 7 pounds over 5 days. finally his kidney doctor told him to go to hospital. got to hospital at 11am and around 3pm er doctor talked to us about putting him for a couple of days to get the fluid off, plus he has covid. we waited from 3pm - 9:30pm to get a room. during this time, they would come in and get samples, but didn't talk to us.
posted in the rustled jimmies thread. the hospital system has a portal app that shows all tests and reports, but there was no cell signal in the er and the portal blocks logins from their wifi. (also tried a vpn and it wouldn't work). if you left the er, would have to wait in the check in line to get buzzed in. twice this took about 10 mins, once was no line. that are the reasons i wasn't checking the results often.
he gets into room and they tell me they are going to connect him to a few monitors and he will be set for the night. mom is staying with him, so i leave as it is almost an hour drive home. this point i am dead tired, call mom, she said his heart protein level is off the charts. pull up the report, normal is under 450, when he had is last heart event it was 8k, it is now 35k+. kidneys also worse, so shits a lot worse than i thought. during his last heart event, he was on forced oxygen and there was no question how bad it was. guess let myself to downplay what was going on.

having only gotten few hours sleep the night before, pass out for a couple of hours, but been awake all night with stomach twisting in knots.

my dad is truly my best friend, we talk daily and even this year were picking up the random odd job together. even feeling terrible, he was helping me work on mom's van this sunday.

don't know if anyone cares, but it helps me to post shit here. know it doesn't look like it but been writing this post for like 2 hours. this is really the only social media i use and trying to limit how much i dump on friends and extended family.

Lambourne · Oct 7, 2025

I'm sorry to hear that. I recognize some of those emotions from my mom's final weeks. Wanting to check test results, googling stuff all the time. Eventually I realized I was just trying to wrestle control over a situation that was always going to be out of my control.

Only advice I can give is to just be you, put your faith in the doctors that have seen hundreds of cases like this. Don't add stress where there doesn't need to be any more.

fred sanford · Oct 7, 2025

I went through a similar situation at a slightly younger age range. My dad was in his 50s when he had a heart attack. Everything was ok for years, and then at 66 he had a fatal heart attack while putting some boxes in the attic. He was taken to the hospital and hooked up but had suffered too much brain damage from lack of oxygen. It's not easy to lose someone that close, especially if you aren't expecting it and aren't mentally prepared for it. Sorry you're having to go through it.

Furry · Oct 7, 2025

A lot of us have been there, and those that haven't will be. There brightness on the other side, especially if you step up to make it. Losing someone who's such a big part of your life isn't easy bro, so I feel for you.

moonarchia · Oct 7, 2025

Goatface said:
in a couple of weeks, will be the 3 year anniversary of my dad having a heart event and spending his birthday in the hospital. his heart was at 25% afterwards. with some effort he got it back up to 30-35%, but he is in his late 70's, so there is a limit to what he can/wants to do. over the years had a lot of ups and downs. he is in stage 4 heart and kidney failure.
over the last month, he had put on weight, like 9lbs in 3 weeks. tried to get him to call the doctors, but no amount of debating would get him to go. parents went on long road trip to visit her sister and he gained 11 pounds in couple of days. he went an saw his pp but mainly over having what he thought was sinus pain. she saw his kidneys were doing worse, but he doubled his fluid pills, but only lost 7 pounds over 5 days. finally his kidney doctor told him to go to hospital. got to hospital at 11am and around 3pm er doctor talked to us about putting him for a couple of days to get the fluid off, plus he has covid. we waited from 3pm - 9:30pm to get a room. during this time, they would come in and get samples, but didn't talk to us.
posted in the rustled jimmies thread. the hospital system has a portal app that shows all tests and reports, but there was no cell signal in the er and the portal blocks logins from their wifi. (also tried a vpn and it wouldn't work). if you left the er, would have to wait in the check in line to get buzzed in. twice this took about 10 mins, once was no line. that are the reasons i wasn't checking the results often.
he gets into room and they tell me they are going to connect him to a few monitors and he will be set for the night. mom is staying with him, so i leave as it is almost an hour drive home. this point i am dead tired, call mom, she said his heart protein level is off the charts. pull up the report, normal is under 450, when he had is last heart event it was 8k, it is now 35k+. kidneys also worse, so shits a lot worse than i thought. during his last heart event, he was on forced oxygen and there was no question how bad it was. guess let myself to downplay what was going on.

having only gotten few hours sleep the night before, pass out for a couple of hours, but been awake all night with stomach twisting in knots.

my dad is truly my best friend, we talk daily and even this year were picking up the random odd job together. even feeling terrible, he was helping me work on mom's van this sunday.

don't know if anyone cares, but it helps me to post shit here. know it doesn't look like it but been writing this post for like 2 hours. this is really the only social media i use and trying to limit how much i dump on friends and extended family.

We're just ghost voices on the internet here. That said, I hope your dad gets better. My dad is 76, and given that his parents died at 80 I know our time together is going to come to an end sooner rather than later. Cherish the time you have while you have it.

Voyce · Oct 7, 2025

My Dad died before he got to even retire, or meet any of his grand children. You only get one Dad, and if they were good, it'll feel something like this.

Springbok · Oct 7, 2025

Goatface said:
in a couple of weeks, will be the 3 year anniversary of my dad having a heart event and spending his birthday in the hospital. his heart was at 25% afterwards. with some effort he got it back up to 30-35%, but he is in his late 70's, so there is a limit to what he can/wants to do. over the years had a lot of ups and downs. he is in stage 4 heart and kidney failure.
over the last month, he had put on weight, like 9lbs in 3 weeks. tried to get him to call the doctors, but no amount of debating would get him to go. parents went on long road trip to visit her sister and he gained 11 pounds in couple of days. he went an saw his pp but mainly over having what he thought was sinus pain. she saw his kidneys were doing worse, but he doubled his fluid pills, but only lost 7 pounds over 5 days. finally his kidney doctor told him to go to hospital. got to hospital at 11am and around 3pm er doctor talked to us about putting him for a couple of days to get the fluid off, plus he has covid. we waited from 3pm - 9:30pm to get a room. during this time, they would come in and get samples, but didn't talk to us.
posted in the rustled jimmies thread. the hospital system has a portal app that shows all tests and reports, but there was no cell signal in the er and the portal blocks logins from their wifi. (also tried a vpn and it wouldn't work). if you left the er, would have to wait in the check in line to get buzzed in. twice this took about 10 mins, once was no line. that are the reasons i wasn't checking the results often.
he gets into room and they tell me they are going to connect him to a few monitors and he will be set for the night. mom is staying with him, so i leave as it is almost an hour drive home. this point i am dead tired, call mom, she said his heart protein level is off the charts. pull up the report, normal is under 450, when he had is last heart event it was 8k, it is now 35k+. kidneys also worse, so shits a lot worse than i thought. during his last heart event, he was on forced oxygen and there was no question how bad it was. guess let myself to downplay what was going on.

having only gotten few hours sleep the night before, pass out for a couple of hours, but been awake all night with stomach twisting in knots.

my dad is truly my best friend, we talk daily and even this year were picking up the random odd job together. even feeling terrible, he was helping me work on mom's van this sunday.

don't know if anyone cares, but it helps me to post shit here. know it doesn't look like it but been writing this post for like 2 hours. this is really the only social media i use and trying to limit how much i dump on friends and extended family.

My dad died 7 years ago, so pretty young and only got to meet one of his grandkids (he'd have 3 now if he was still alive). I had a dream last night that I was in a mausoleum and my dad was there waiting for his brother to visit his dad. I walked in with my youngest (7 month old), and asked him if he'd seen his dad yet and he said he hadn't and walked out of the room. I walk after him, into one of the cloisters and find him sitting on a pew and an image of his dad, my grandfather is up on a large screen. My daughter and I go to sit next to him and I find him in tears. He rests his head on my shoulder and through tears tells me he wished I got to meet his dad (he died a month after I was born). I told him I wished the same. I tell him I wish he had a chance to meet my daughter (who is restless in my arms next to my father). He tells me he wished he did as well. Now we're both crying, the facade evaporates, and I wake up in my bed this morning with tears in my eyes, and give a healthy man cry all the way to my office this morning. (This is a true story and dream I had just last night).

What I'd say, and it goes without saying, is to tell the old man everything you think of him now. Easy to say, but I wish I could pick up the phone everyday to call him, and every now and then I still dial the number, knowing he won't pick up. Godspeed

Goatface · Oct 7, 2025

i have been blessed, while we had differences, he has always been there. i get really frustrated with his refusal to go the doctor or do this or that. it is so hard for me to realize he old now, he has lost nearly all his friends and family. he is also very task/job focused. give him something to do, he will figure out how to do it and get it done. after he was forced into retirement and health issue started he has been missing that.

he is still able to do a lot repair work with my help. this year alone, did wheel bearing, engine mounts, cv axle, brake repair and put up a carport. this summer was in their backyard doing work on their car. realized that we were working in the shade of tree i planted from a seed over 20 years ago. i know very few people get to experience something like that.

all my close friends, but one (and that's messy), have lost their dads.

fred sanford · Oct 7, 2025

Voyce said:
My Dad died before he got to even retire, or meet any of his grand children. You only get one Dad, and if they were good, it'll feel something like this.

Same here, my dad died a week and a half before his retirement. He had been training his replacement at work and planning a bunch of stuff for his first year. As much as it sucks, I always look at it as he didn't suffer a long time, and he went out while on a high of "I'm about to retire and have some fun".

KDow · Oct 8, 2025

Edit - I fucked up who had what.

If he's well enough, and can talk easily / isn't in too much pain. The only thing I can really recommend is recording some interviews with him. Either on video or just the audio with your phone. Bluetooth mic's aren't very expensive if he becomes soft spoken.

Not just regular conversations, ones with specific questions.

What he thinks about life. Memories from when he was growing up. Things he wished he knew when he was younger. Anything. Everything.

It's such a gift to see and/or hear your dad in his own words.

I have recordings of my wife and I. Her and her mom. My mom and I. Her friends. My friends. I am so thankful that I have them. I wish I had more, and that when we recorded them it wasn't with stuff looming over us, but I'm so grateful to have anything. Anyway, something to think about.

Hoping for the best.

Chanur · Oct 8, 2025

Goatface said:
in a couple of weeks, will be the 3 year anniversary of my dad having a heart event and spending his birthday in the hospital. his heart was at 25% afterwards. with some effort he got it back up to 30-35%, but he is in his late 70's, so there is a limit to what he can/wants to do. over the years had a lot of ups and downs. he is in stage 4 heart and kidney failure.
over the last month, he had put on weight, like 9lbs in 3 weeks. tried to get him to call the doctors, but no amount of debating would get him to go. parents went on long road trip to visit her sister and he gained 11 pounds in couple of days. he went an saw his pp but mainly over having what he thought was sinus pain. she saw his kidneys were doing worse, but he doubled his fluid pills, but only lost 7 pounds over 5 days. finally his kidney doctor told him to go to hospital. got to hospital at 11am and around 3pm er doctor talked to us about putting him for a couple of days to get the fluid off, plus he has covid. we waited from 3pm - 9:30pm to get a room. during this time, they would come in and get samples, but didn't talk to us.
posted in the rustled jimmies thread. the hospital system has a portal app that shows all tests and reports, but there was no cell signal in the er and the portal blocks logins from their wifi. (also tried a vpn and it wouldn't work). if you left the er, would have to wait in the check in line to get buzzed in. twice this took about 10 mins, once was no line. that are the reasons i wasn't checking the results often.
he gets into room and they tell me they are going to connect him to a few monitors and he will be set for the night. mom is staying with him, so i leave as it is almost an hour drive home. this point i am dead tired, call mom, she said his heart protein level is off the charts. pull up the report, normal is under 450, when he had is last heart event it was 8k, it is now 35k+. kidneys also worse, so shits a lot worse than i thought. during his last heart event, he was on forced oxygen and there was no question how bad it was. guess let myself to downplay what was going on.

having only gotten few hours sleep the night before, pass out for a couple of hours, but been awake all night with stomach twisting in knots.

my dad is truly my best friend, we talk daily and even this year were picking up the random odd job together. even feeling terrible, he was helping me work on mom's van this sunday.

don't know if anyone cares, but it helps me to post shit here. know it doesn't look like it but been writing this post for like 2 hours. this is really the only social media i use and trying to limit how much i dump on friends and extended family.

I feel for you man. My step dad has had heart issues since his 20s. He was supposed to be dead by 35 and despite many heart attacks and stints and by passes he's now creeping up to 70. I know it might not seem like it but miracles happen. I hope your family receives one.

BrutulTM · Oct 8, 2025

My Dad died a month before his 56th birthday. That was almost 17 years ago now and I'm only 8 years away from living longer than he did. You definitely aren't guaranteed to have anyone until they're 90, including yourself. You have to think about the future but you should also consider what you want to have done if there isn't one.

Araysar · Oct 8, 2025

My dad was ready to go by the time he was 81. His eye sight was gone, his health was in bad shape, he didn't want to live that way or be a burden to anyone. He took his own life last year.

It was very hard for me to accept this and I felt very guilty for several months, thinking maybe there was something I could have done. Eye surgery, etc. But the reality was that he was a 81 year old man who spent most of his life living a hard life in USSR and it was simply his time to go.

Much like your father, he didn't want to see doctors or do medical stuff. He didn't care, he knew the consequences and he was fine with it.

Like someone here said earlier, tell him everything you wish you could have told him in your life because you won't get another chance. I got to tell him some heartfelt stuff over past few years but not nearly as much as I wish I did.

Don't blame yourself.

Goatface · Oct 9, 2025

update
heart is now stable, they don't think it took too much new damage, but will need more tests later. covid appears to be gone. he feels ok.

4 years ago, they were prepping dad for dialysis, he went to orientation and they were setting up appointment to put the port in. he had second thoughts and now doesn't want to do it. he won't tell me why or explain what his plan is when they fail. one of my aunt passed away in june when her kidneys failed and dialysis didn't work. it was a horrible ordeal.
yesterday evening, they started aggressive fluid treatment. he is producing fluids, but don't seem like getting results he needs. the kidney doctor estimated he has 15-20lbs to remove. i think probably little higher 22-25lbs. most of it is in his belly/stomach area, which causes laborious breathing sometimes, but he isn't on oxygen. doctor also said, his kidneys will get worse before they can get better and will see how much damage gets done to them.

Goatface · Oct 14, 2025

last 24 hours might be the most dread felt in my life. fluid treatment hasn't really worked so far. for several days his kidneys were slowly improving but started going back down few days ago. yesterday, they didn't say it, but put him on more limited fluid intact and measuring his output, but from passed experience that is to make the failure call and recommend dialysis. have not talked to him about it and still it is not 100% guaranteed to work.

Goatface · Thursday at 11:32 AM

Dad got out of the hospital few days ago. Saw his kidney specialist today. He gave him few weeks to month left. Setting up hospice and all that.
With his age and heart problems, dialysis would only extend life a year with very decreased quality of life.

Araysar · Thursday at 12:43 PM

Goatface said:
Dad got out of the hospital few days ago. Saw his kidney specialist today. He gave him few weeks to month left. Setting up hospice and all that.
With his age and heart problems, dialysis would only extend life a year with very decreased quality of life.

Sorry, bro.

Remember you did everything you could.

moonarchia · Thursday at 12:54 PM

Goatface said:
Dad got out of the hospital few days ago. Saw his kidney specialist today. He gave him few weeks to month left. Setting up hospice and all that.
With his age and heart problems, dialysis would only extend life a year with very decreased quality of life.

Sorry for the bad news. Miracles do happen, but the odds are astronomically low. You are in a place with no right or wrong actions. No meaningful answers. And you are going to be hurt. Brace yourself, and good luck. If he's lucid, talk to him. If he's not, just be there with him.

Goatface · Thursday at 1:42 PM

want to thank everyone, means a lot.

also wanted to expand on the dialysis issue. as my feeling on it have changed a lot talking to the kidney specialist. late 70's, avg life span of a person with just kidney failure is 2 years after going on dialysis. with heart issues, that is lowered to a year or less. treatments would be around 4 hours each, 3 times a week. heart issue make recovery harder and effectiveness lower. so could be just a constant cycle of feeling bad before treatment and weak afterwards.

Kithani · Thursday at 7:58 PM

Goatface said:
want to thank everyone, means a lot.

also wanted to expand on the dialysis issue. as my feeling on it have changed a lot talking to the kidney specialist. late 70's, avg life span of a person with just kidney failure is 2 years after going on dialysis. with heart issues, that is lowered to a year or less. treatments would be around 4 hours each, 3 times a week. heart issue make recovery harder and effectiveness lower. so could be just a constant cycle of feeling bad before treatment and weak afterwards.

IMO Sign of a good doctor when they straight up tell you they honestly can’t help you even if it’s not what you wanna hear

My dad is probably dying, i am both worried sick and mad

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