Parent Thread

Personally I wouldn't make him go if he's communicated he doesn't want to.

Especially if this is his first funeral.

This isn't even a varsity level funeral, this is like an NFL level funeral. This is unmitigated heavy heavy stuff. I would imagine most of us had our first funeral experience with a grandparent, or older relative. That's pop warner compared to this. Those can be more celebratory, this is just so hard. I don't think I would have handled it well at 11 if I had to go to something like this.

To that end, I don't know that going or not going will help with confronting the grief. A lot of it is just time and processing it. Finding ways to open up and talk about it. That could be a week from now, a month from now, or longer. Checking in with prompts that aren't just "How are you feeling?" or "Are you sure you're doing OK?". Which is like the grief version of "How was school today?" (Not at all saying that's how you'd approach it - just saying generally)

I mean this was not even a week ago at this point. Its got to be so surreal still.

What's certain is, it sucks that you have to be thinking about it and he has to be dealing with it, and that that little girl is gone. Its so horrible I really can't even let myself think about it.

He has stated multiple times that he doesn't want to go. We don't want to force him to go but at the same time we don't want him to be one of the only kids in the class that doesn't go. Eventually these kids will talk about it and we think he'll need that shared connection with the other kids.

We know of his best friends is going to the funeral so they will probably help. We for sure are not going to the visitation. From what we understand it's an open casket and we don't want to put him through that. They would just be too much. The funeral itself is in a Catholic Church, so the mass will be familiar to him.

I don't really think there is a right or wrong answer here, just trying to figure out what is going to fuck your kid up the least in a really fucked up situation.

What does he say when you ask why he doesn’t want to go

Kithani said:

What does he say when you ask why he doesn’t want to go

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He says he just doesn't want to go. I get it, he's avoiding it and if he can avoid it, then he doesn't have to talk about it or think about it.

My grandmom on moms side died when I was very young. My best friend at church moved churches (dad was a pastor) then died in a youth ski trip the new church did essentially right after. My grandfather on my dads side died while I was a young teen.

So I had early exp in funerals, but again- all were Christian and as a follower and the passed on a follower- we have eternal hope.

This situation is hard, but life is indeed hard. I cannot speak into Catholic funerals or even their dogma on how they handle this stuff… if its just going to be a mass, that's not very closure nor very “comforting” as you get a lot of them just doing the ceremony and mass.

My grandfather was orthodox, so that would be closer in appearance to catholic - it will be very liturgical - the fellowship and mourning and stuff come after.

Also, you do not need to be at the entire thing - find out when / if / there is a time where there will essentially be a receiving line for the family, go through that, express and share in their grief and sorrow, then go. The thing is, this part is all over in schedules of things... most protestant funerals its at the beginning as everyone comes in...

I am also pro open casket barring physical issues of the body etc.

Yet, I also understand I have a very different perspective on death than many. I was guided through death and loss by my family and God with our faith and salvation in Christ.... people that do not have that...indeed only have hopelessness. If that is what you are shielding your child from, then find Christ, walk in His path and break free from the hopelessness in the power of death that He has defeated for all creation.

I didn’t make my kids go when it happened with their classmates.

They aren’t getting closure out of it, and it’s a weird thing to do if this wasn’t someone they were super close with.

Peer pressure isn’t a reason to make them do anything.

I think your son is probably going to end up regretting not going more than he is going to be "traumatized" by going. You're also going as a family and not just dropping him off to be by himself, so he'll have support, and if he wants to sit at the back the entire time then that's fine right?

I think you're message of "we're a community, we support each other" is a good one and just keep reinforcing it with him. I'm all for not forcing my kids to do what they dont want to do but this seems like something that's important to be a part of given what you've said.

We know that he wasn't super close with her but we also know that she sat near him a lot last year, not so much this year and he did have a lot of small group instruction with her with the schools learning consultant both last year and this year.

I think we're leaning towards having him go to the funeral. Not going to force him but have a conversation with him. Two of his best friends in class are going to the funernal and the few other parents of boys in the class that we have talked too have said they are going.

We talked to him last night and we all decided that going to the funeral would be the right thing. He's angry and at times we could tell he was close to tears. He kept saying he just wants things to go back to normal. My heart is breaking for him, no one should have to go through something like this. Its one thing when a great grandparent or grandparent dies, you can kind of expect it. Something like this, with a peer, you spend 8 hours a day and poof they're gone, its hard to comprehend as an adult, let alone a 11 year.

Him and his friends were talking about the funeral because he was asking questions like don't I have to wear black and things like that. But they all have kids messenger and he has avoided talking to them last night or playing xbox with him. I think he just wants to avoid it until its over.

Arative said:

He kept saying he just wants things to go back to normal. My heart is breaking for him, no one should have to go through something like this.

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This is a natural response for anyone at any age.

Yet, at the same time - we must stop and think about what you are "wanting" when you say that.

In reality, "going back to normal" is to completely forget you ever knew that person, or that - that person had any affect on you and your life.... this is (generally) NOT what people want when they say "go back to normal" - they want the person back... they want the sadness and pain to go away... or sometimes, to do that, they indeed remove the person from their memory and personal life, destroying what remains of the passed on person... but that will only work in isolation, as not everyone around you will do that. Billy will mention her sometime as a fond friend remembers... if you are taking the mental stance of non-existance in order to cope, your cope is broken by Billy...so you retreat from Billy... that cycle merely continues.... and more and more isolation, and/or running away is the result.

"No one" wants to mentally destroy the memories and impact of the person lost in this life, and we know that, we know "I want things to go back to normal" does not mean what I described, yet it /can/ do what I described and that is not good.

The funeral helps not let that happen, so that is good progress there, everyone there has a shared experience in grief, but also celebration of the life of the person, they all will agree that indeed this person lived, here are memories from all the people this person touched, new stories that many may have never known otherwise - shared in sadness, love and also fondness.

It does the exact opposite of going back to normal, you are changed for the good... because in reality, you are changed no matter what... what way you take that change is what matters.

Arative said:

We talked to him last night and we all decided that going to the funeral would be the right thing.... He's angry and at times we could tell he was close to tears.

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As much as a rando on a elf pixle forum, I am glad and praying for everyone in this situation as indeed it is not easy.

Being angry is not a "bad" or "evil" emotion - I would be very angry... it is one of a multitude of emotions that we all must contend with. Having feelings is not bad.

We're back from the funeral. He did ok. The church holds 950 and it was packed. We sat around friends and teachers, so I think that helped. I think ultmately, he'll be glad that he went to the funeral. If nothing else, it might start the healing process.

As a parent, I wish he didn't have to go through this pain. No kid deserves to go through this. I know eventually he'll be ok but it just hard.

Borzak said:

My niece has problems now. Well kind of first world problems. She has twins. The boy got accepted to a special state high school and the sister didn't. She seems smart to me but she is not a people person.

She asked me, not what to do obviously but about the school. I took a tour 40 years ago and I turned it down. I looked it up. Back then we just called it the gifted and talented school and you lived on campus. The name is high school for arts, science and math and such. I have no idea how accurate wiki is but it "said" it's ranked as the 9th best high school in the country.

It was left up to me when I toured. She didn't like that suggestion. I thought it would be very isolated with a lot of other nerds if you didn't drive and it's not in a large town. I mean it's obviously a good opportunity but you would be isolated from your family several hours away.

But twins jeeze. I asked if the girl wanted to go and that was like a foreign question.

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Every state has a math and science school (or multiple), I agree with you that it could be pretty insular with a bunch of nerds. May be a great or terrible fit depending on the kid, and what the alternative school option would be. I too turned down mine back in the day did not want to live away from parents/family and turned out fine