Parent Thread

Skinner_sl said:

Yes, because not waking your child up with an air horn means you don't have any rules and you're a shitty parent. Not forcing your child to sit at a table to do her homework when you know shes not doing it because she isn't motivated and what you're trying isn't working means your a shitty husband.

Back to the land of reality, if what you're trying isn't working, doubling down most likely will not get you the result you desire and may in fact make the problem worse.

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In the land of reality Cathan is already fucked because its too late to instill a different attitude in this girl overnight. She developed this way prior to him living with her and he can't reprogram her, and her mom is incapable of undoing her mistakes or there wouldn't be a problem. Doing your homework shouldn't be a matter of bargaining at 14, by then she should know that it is among non negotiable issues. In reality she knows she can sit there and act like a spoiled bitch and no one can touch her for it. He already explained what talking will get him, passive aggressive self pity manipulation. He can't physically punish a 14 year old girl, even I wouldn't advocate that either. The mom already yells at her every day and she doesn't care. By 14 shit like homework and getting good grades should be on autopilot. Getting in some (reasonable) trouble is to be expected in teenage years to varying degrees.

Cathan, keep shelling out $10k a year for high school for this girl who doesn't give a fuck about you and probably privately resents you. I'm sure in seven years when you're paying three or more times as much for her to underachieve in college your wife will totally appreciate all you've done instead of getting bored with you and banging other guys behind your back. Have fun!

Famm_sl said:

In the land of reality Cathan is already fucked because its too late to instill a different attitude in this girl overnight. She developed this way prior to him living with her and he can't reprogram her, and her mom is incapable of undoing her mistakes or there wouldn't be a problem. Doing your homework shouldn't be a matter of bargaining at 14, by then she should know that it is among non negotiable issues. In reality she knows she can sit there and act like a spoiled bitch and no one can touch her for it. He already explained what talking will get him, passive aggressive self pity manipulation. He can't physically punish a 14 year old girl, even I wouldn't advocate that either. The mom already yells at her every day and she doesn't care. By 14 shit like homework and getting good grades should be on autopilot. Getting in some (reasonable) trouble is to be expected in teenage years to varying degrees.

Cathan, keep shelling out $10k a year for high school for this girl who doesn't give a fuck about you and probably privately resents you. I'm sure in seven years when you're paying three or more times as much for her to underachieve in college your wife will totally appreciate all you've done instead of getting bored with you and banging other guys behind your back. Have fun!

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Ok, I understand where you're coming from now.

For whatever reason my e-diagnostics just leads me in a different direction at this time. From the very limited information given, the girl to me just seems like shes currently lost. Any parent to me who thinks it's a good idea to use an air horn on their child to wake them up shouldn't be allowed near kids. But not knowing the mother, it may not be because shes unfit but because shes at the end of her rope and she doesn't know what to do anymore so shes falling back to extremes. In my experience, most parents seem to do that when they don't know what to do. I don't think this necessarily means the parents are bad, just equally lost, confused, and scared. Their child isn't meeting their expectations or acting in a way they are familiar with and is displaying negative behavior so they are panicking and trying to correct it. At least that's my glass half full belief.

Still going on that assumption, nothing has been said about this girls beliefs or history. When was the last time the parents talked? Have you tried it together? The mom and daughter alone? Cathan and daughter alone? What does this girl really feel, if anything? What does she like and dislike. How is school life for her? What is the real reason for her sleeping in. Depression or other medical conditions? Is she being bullied online or at school? Who and how are her friends and their parents? What have her teachers said to you at parent - teacher conferences? The list can go on and on.

I just haven't seen anything to suggest that the only issue here is her attitude, and that her attitude can't be changed so you might as well force her to bend to your will or toss her to the curb. The girl just sounds like shes hurting to me. If she didn't give a fuck she wouldn't be at home still.

Selix_sl said:

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I was actually very similar to this, but kind of went the other way. In elementary school I was in all the advanced classes. I don't remember becoming bored with school, but I know once middle school hit my grades started turning to crap. I was still in the honors classes, but I didn't do well. When I went to high school, I went to a magnet school (not sure how that happened, since my grades weren't great). I did awesome for the first 3/4 or so of my freshman year. But then I started hanging out with different people and did crap again.

My sophomore year I transferred to another school where a lot of my friends went, but was enrolled in JROTC. That was about the only class I did well in. I started playing EQ pretty hardcore at this point. I ended up failing 3 classes and tried to drop out. My mom (who was a high school drop out, but ended up getting her Master's from John's Hopkins) talked me out of it. My junior and senior years I went to the high school I was supposed to (so #3), but I barely skated by. My senior year I somehow scammed my way into work release despite not having a job, and ended up going to school until around 11:30 and just going home for more EQ time.

I scored an 1150 walking into the SAT blind (which isn't particularly good), and with my shit GPA, my option was community college. For some reason, after graduating, I decided to enlist in the Army. Best decision I ever made. I got my shit together. I got my associate's in computer science with a 3.75 GPA while deployed.

It wasn't until after I got out of the Army that I really realized my potential though. I went for a business degree (later finance) and had something like a 3.94 GPA without studying a single time. College was an absolute cake walk for me. It wasn't until around this point that I realized I probably did shitty in high school because I wasn't challenged. I've been in the workforce for 11 years and I now know that I'm smarter (or at least a quicker learner, and better at applying information) than the majority of people I work with.

I don't have any solution for dealing with a teenager, but I do know that I was in a similar situation as one.

Her life sounds pretty shitty, like she has nothing to look forward to besides shower masturbation time. You guys seem to be all over her too, which while good-intentioned, is probably driving her crazy.

Have you tried doing quality things together as a family? Something fun for a teenager, going to a go-kart track or to a beach, or hiking in some mountains, rock-climbing gym, something like that? Schedule a weekly family time to do something fun. A lot of getting a kid to listen to their parents is having quality bonding time that establishes a relationship beyond "i'm the authority." Her life is shit now, so why would she work hard for a future that she doesn't know can be other than shit?

Or best of all, go to a counselor (PhD variety), esp. one that specializes in children and families. Ask them. Go yourself first, or with your wife, to ask advice. Start there.

My kids look nothing like me. Maybe I should ask my wife some questions about that shit.

She passed out about halfway through The Neverending Story. She was pretty pissed off a "the bad doggie."

Whereisthis girl's natural father anyway? I'm sure you've posted some giant story about it that I didn't read amongst the many tales of your wife's white trash trailer family that you love to share with everyone.

Are you guys still thinking of moving to GA/SC?

Yeah, but nothing is happening until after I finish school. She is taking a break from school to really get into homeschooling our girls right now. Once I'm done with school and we figure out what we are doing with our girls, then we are going to start making serious plans.

I was at orientation for GMU yesterday, god damn it was depressing. Almost everyone there who wasn't an employee of the university was young enough to be my kid. They called me a "non-traditional student." ugh.

Mommy/baby nap - best things ever. My youngest at 4 months.

Put her in public school and use the money saved to get her a therapist.

I'd probably have to say get her a therapist. She probably doesn't feel comfortable talking to you or her mom about anything at all, ever. Therapist can act as an outlet for her to be able to open up and talk about how she feels etc. It's worth a shot.

You need peer pressure. A boy she likes in class etc, Magically that class she gets an A etc. Where are the outside of school activities? It doesn't have to be a sport or cheerleading etc. What it needs to be is something she does, that someone else is jealous about. Obviously no one is jealous about school. So her friends she does have could care less. But she could take up blowing glass sculptures, or welding, working with cars etc. How bout donating time at the local animal shelter etc?

I know how I was in highschool and still am. Give me a project that takes 30 minutes and is due in 2 days. Great. I'll get started on that in 1 day 23 hours and 30 mins from now. More time doesn't help me. I know my abilities. If the 30 minute project would take me 45 mins, i'd start 15 minutes sooner.

Highschool for me was just like working a job. Incentives don't work. Because if you buy me a pony when I turn in an assignment. The next time I turn in an assignment and dont get my pony. I'm gonna be pissed. Just like at work, You dont take a more difficult position for more money and not get pissed if that money doesn't show up. You need to find what motivates her in life.

The big problem is, she doesn't even know what motivates her. Its like trying to figure out what you're gonna be when you grow up. You usually dont know. But when you find that skillset you like, you know it. Maybe shes super bored, and is using tv as a way to pass the time. Taking away tv is no big deal since she was bored either way. Perhaps you and the wife are boring? Work and stay at home. If I saw that every day why would I try either? Get out and do activities that will force you and your wife to interact with other people. If one out of 10 times your daughter comes along, she will be forced to interact also. Eventually she will find something or someone she wants to work for. But clearly, she doesn't want to work for her parents.

Maybe send her to a therapist and a psychiatrist. I know when I was younger I had hardcore ADD couldn't focus long enough on something to get it done. I also tested well and all that shit, but school was so boring and doing homework just sucked. Being on meds to help me focus allowed me to focus a lot better and finish my homework. I was raised in a single parent household with my father. He had teachers email him about my homework and shit when I didn't turn it in. He also gave me freedom while I was in school, homework after dinner usually most nights. No video games during the week, etc.

However he was also strict when it came to grades, anything lower than a B (even a B-) on my report card and i was grounded from everything until my next report card (He started lower, like C's at first). Get her on a fucking sleep schedule man, if she has to get up at 7am make her go to bed at 10pm. Allow her to READ or something in bed, don't let her have a TV in her room. Weekends allow her to stay up later/sleep in, go out and do shit/play games, go on dates, etc.

But IDK man, my dad teaches behavioral psych and he's told me repeatedly reward systems like that are flawed, because they end up rewarding shit you should be doing already. About the chores don't give her money, ever for anything fun unless she does her chores. Don't let your wife either.

Aside from that man best of luck.

Elurin_sl said:

...I started playing EQ pretty hardcore at this point.I ended up failing 3 classes and tried to drop out. My mom (who was a high school drop out, but ended up getting her Master's from John's Hopkins) talked me out of it. My junior and senior years I went to the high school I was supposed to (so #3), but I barely skated by. My senior year I somehow scammed my way into work release despite not having a job,and ended up going to school until around 11:30 and just going home for more EQ time.

...For some reason, after graduating, I decided to enlist in the Army. Best decision I ever made. I got my shit together. I got my associate's in computer science with a 3.75 GPA while deployed.

.....It wasn't until around this point that I realized I probably did shitty in high schoolbecause I wasn't challenged.

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Before you draw the conclusion on the cause of your high school failures, how much eq were you playing in the army and during your computer science training?

re: the op, this is why I don't ever want to deal with kids. Having the everliving piss beaten out of me periodically kept me pretty motivated throughout school, but it's not something I could ever see myself doing to children. Unfortunately I just can't imagine any other way to get them to act right, because I know that I would not have responded to any other techniques, and the kids would probably be something like me

Dabamf_sl said:

Her life sounds pretty shitty, like she has nothing to look forward to besides shower masturbation time. You guys seem to be all over her too, which while good-intentioned, is probably driving her crazy.

Have you tried doing quality things together as a family? Something fun for a teenager, going to a go-kart track or to a beach, or hiking in some mountains, rock-climbing gym, something like that? Schedule a weekly family time to do something fun. A lot of getting a kid to listen to their parents is having quality bonding time that establishes a relationship beyond "i'm the authority." Her life is shit now, so why would she work hard for a future that she doesn't know can be other than shit?

Or best of all, go to a counselor (PhD variety), esp. one that specializes in children and families. Ask them. Go yourself first, or with your wife, to ask advice. Start there.

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We had this stuff going. We still try to do stuff together but part of punishing her generally takes all of that stuff away. Case in point: We took her to wizard con, it's a huge deal to her and we had a great time. Only days later she's in trouble again at school with 2 detentions in the same day for not listening to teachers and not doing homework.

I thought the same thing: Spend more "quality" time with the kid and maybe she'll become more involved in her own life. I'll go out of my way to do something with her or help her somehow and the next day she's stabbing me in the back doing the same stuff as before. That's the way it feels anyway. I try not to take it personally but it's damn hard.

As for riding the kid's ass too hard... I've put a lot of thought into this also. We had some punishments laid out and she broke the rules (got detention for not doing homework). Instead of punishing her I thought about it and we worked out a plan to help her make sure she has all her books and assignments before we leave school grounds, that she writes it all down and we check it. The plan was we all share some responsibility in helping her get her homework done. So no punishment was handed down and we genuinely tried to help. A week later she gets 2 detentions in a single day which equaled 2 months of restriction. We laid it out to her that if she got another detention she had to serve the punishment for the last thing she did wrong and the new thing.

The kid likes to draw. I've wanted to take her down to the French Quarter by Jackson Square on the weekends so she could see all the independent artists. The kid would rather sleep in though... She loves Tim Burton but if Tim Burton was on our front doorstep at 9am on a Saturday she'd lay in bed a couple more hours...

Famm: You're being a douche. The spirit of the forum is nondouchery.

Her dad lives on the other side of the lake about an hour away. He pulls every other weekend dad duty. He's a nice guy, I like him but he's not involved at all in parenting.

I'm up late now because I woke up hearing them argue about 1:30 before the wife came to bed crying. She held it in until she got to the bedroom but that was as far as she could make it. I get so god damn angry at the kid for upsetting my wife so much. I chilled myself the fuck out and tried to think big picture before I did anything.

To whoever it was rambling off about wasting money on private school and then more on college later on... This is her first year of private school. She went to a school where her grandfather works that's K-8 and it was free and not a bad school. We wanted to give her a better opportunity than we had growing up hence the private school this year. As for college... that's far away but if she doesn't improve I assure you we won't be footing the bill for college. Also, my wife actually makes more than I do so if she wants to send her kid to private school it'd be damn hard to argue against it even if I didn't agree with her.

I'm fully on board with seeking the advice of some professional. I'm pretty sure that's where we're headed but I'm trying to cover all my bases on how to proactively help this kid.

You have to realize that the kid is going to fuck up. Every kid fucks up. Every person fucks up. She isn't stabbing you in the back, that's some bitch talk right there. leave that shit to the ladies. Our job is to figure shit out and fix the problem.

Yeah, get some professional help. I mean, it could be anything wrong with this girl, or not. On the internet we can't know that. But from your posts two things are clear: You're too hard on her and she seems to be a normal teenager for the most part. I'm not saying roll over, I'm just saying this whole "crack down on her and she will do nothing but study and sleep" thing isn't working.