Parent Thread

Doubt the girl really has any goals / things to work for, thus doesn't give 2 fucks what happens, hard to do but give her something to work for.

This is what happens when kids grow up with out their real father in the home. You can't do jack shit because if push comes to shove and she really starts to resent you cutting into her lifestyle she will enlist her mom to take her side against you and your wifewill absolutely do it.

At least the shower thing is easy. Turn the valve on the hot water heater. That will get her ass out fast.

Well he does have goals with the grades. The report card is a long time away. You need some short term goals to help her stay focused. Really though you should just consult a professional... I think this is probably a really common problem.

tl;dr

But teenagers are shitty. Sorry?

We have an 11 year old daughter. It has been very tough this year finding a good gift for christmas. I am making some things for her (leatherworker) but "Santa" this year is getting her a Compound Bow, best thing I could think of since she is really in the between stage of gifts.

Have you tried not calling her kid, yelling at her when shes sleeping, blowing out her ear drums with air horns in the morning, and not forcing her to sit down at the table to do her homework nearly every day? I'm sure you guys are loving parents and from just reading your post you sound sincere and want the best for her, but are those things really necessary? Honestly to me she sounds depressed and hasn't found her passion yet.

When was the last time you three went on a vacation together for a week or two and talked without any confrontation? What does she like to do? What doesshethink about everything?

Skinner_sl said:

Have you tried not calling her kid, yelling at her when shes sleeping, blowing out her ear drums with air horns in the morning, and not forcing her to sit down at the table to do her homework nearly every day? I'm sure you guys are loving parents and from just reading your post you sound sincere and want the best for her, but are those things really necessary? Honestly to me she sounds depressed and hasn't found her passion yet.

When was the last time you three went on a vacation together for a week or two and talked without any confrontation? What does she like to do? What doesshethink about everything?

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You should probably just not have any rules and make sure to ask her what she thinks the best solutions to these problems are and then do whatever she says. Let us know how that goes for you. Also, see you in the divorced guy thread in a few years Cathan.

One semester in military boarding school did wonders for my neighbors teenage daughter. If you have the money to send her to private school, you have the money to send her to military boarding school.

Just give her a fistful of cash and send her down to Bourbon St. That will get her out of your hair for a few hours a night while you and the wife have sexy time.

Spanking a teenage girl won't do anything good... so you're right to not do that. I doubt these other extreme things will do much besides annoy her. The air horn is funny as hell, but it's a frustration move and won't be effective.

If she was a boy you could just take a day or two and beat it into her... but she's not. What Lyrical's folks did would probably be effective if she was a boy but I don't know how effective that would be for a girl.

14 year old girl? She's probably mooning over some guy, or mooning because she doesn't have a guy to moon over. Hour long showers, man? I know it's gross... but you know what's going on there.

It seems like the real thing to do is to get her talking. I mean really talking. But that's easier said than done. One of the things you might want to give her is some family councilling time. Honestly, enlisting the help of a trained shrink (or if you're religious, a priest). It will make it seem clinical, make it easier on you, and is probably the next step if smacking her in the head didn't work. She is just 14 after all... she's not complete yet.

My heart goes out to you. Teenage daughters -- the fucking stuff of nightmare. I can't even imagine.

Etoille_sl said:

One semester in military boarding school did wonders for my neighbors teenage daughter. If you have the money to send her to private school, you have the money to send her to military boarding school.

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This. It will be tough on the mother, but it sounds like she has been lacking structure in her life.

Famm_sl said:

You should probably just not have any rules and make sure to ask her what she thinks the best solutions to these problems are and then do whatever she says. Let us know how that goes for you. Also, see you in the divorced guy thread in a few years Cathan.

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Yes, because not waking your child up with an air horn means you don't have any rules and you're a shitty parent. Not forcing your child to sit at a table to do her homework when you know shes not doing it because she isn't motivated and what you're trying isn't working means your a shitty husband.

Back to the land of reality, if what you're trying isn't working, doubling down most likely will not get you the result you desire and may in fact make the problem worse.

BrutulTM_sl said:

Set consequences and enforce them. Don't argue with her. Tell your wife to stop yelling at her. Arguing and yelling is just giving her power.

Teenagers are shitty though, especially girls. I wish you strength.

Oh and Famm has the correct solution to the shower issue.

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Pretty much this. At 14, it's tough to start to try to change patterns of behavior. You can try your best but it's damage control from here on out pending a miracle of some sort. If you can get her graduated and keep her off the meth/stripper pole consider yourself a success.

Dis_sl said:

This. It will be tough on the mother, but it sounds like she has been lacking structure in her life.

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Yeah. Like sometimes making them get a job will help but if the basic respect for authority and structure is lacking, all parents upping the ante is going to do is make the kid push back more.

Military school=reset button if its a good one. Takes parents out of the equation and thus the ability to cave on punishments/the kids ability to emotionally manipulate the situation.

Neighbors daughter went from Ds and Fs to As and Bs and from skipping school to dragging herself to school after late nights (sanctioned, like senior skip day or something)/being sick because she didn't want to miss physics. Calls to tell the parents where she is, is proactive about communication in general.

Completely different human being.

Etoille_sl said:

Yeah. Like sometimes making them get a job will help but if the basic respect for authority and structure is lacking, all parents upping the ante is going to do is make the kid push back more.

Military school=reset button if its a good one. Takes parents out of the equation and thus the ability to cave on punishments/the kids ability to emotionally manipulate the situation.

Neighbors daughter went from Ds and Fs to As and Bs and from skipping school to dragging herself to school after late nights (sanctioned, like senior skip day or something)/being sick because she didn't want to miss physics. Calls to tell the parents where she is, is proactive about communication in general.

Completely different human being.

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Speaking from experience here: The military school thing only works if the parents adjust their attitude as well. I went to military school, got structure and did well. I went back home after a year and my parents were still complete shit and I left home at 13, flopped around from place to place and dropped out of high school. So, it goes both ways.

Pollo_sl said:

Speaking from experience here: The military school thing only works if the parents adjust their attitude as well. I went to military school, got structure and did well. I went back home after a year and my parents were still complete shit and I left home at 13, flopped around from place to place and dropped out of high school. So, it goes both ways.

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I'll be completely honest, I love my neighbors but their attitudes changed very little. I would completely agree with you 99% of the time - somehow this girl managed to keep the 180 going even though they definitely were not good about changing the behaviors that they needed to. Girl even has a 20 hour a week job!

Skinner_sl said:

Yes, because not waking your child up with an air horn means you don't have any rules and you're a shitty parent. Not forcing your child to sit at a table to do her homework when you know shes not doing it because she isn't motivated and what you're trying isn't working means your a shitty husband.

Back to the land of reality, if what you're trying isn't working, doubling down most likely will not get you the result you desire and may in fact make the problem worse.

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Cathan does sound like he is being a little overbearing. Especially with stuff like :

Cathan_sl said:

We help her do the work and try to teach her as we go, help her study, we lord over her and constantly remind her to stop talking and get back to work...

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... but he sounds like he has just run out of ideas and it acting out of desperation. I would say your first step is to stop that. Second step, do what BrutulTM just said. Stop yelling, stop arguing. You do not negotiate with terrorists.

Structure sounds like a real problem. This girl is doing nothing other than homework, masturbating in the shower for an hour at a time, and sleeping. She needs structure, a schedule, and real motivation. You need to get this kid out of the house doing something that she enjoys, and use that as your motivation. You can use that as leverage to get her to focus on her studies and maybe to get a job or whatever. Just stop, Cathan. Stop what you are doing right now.

The TL;DR of my post is to put your child into advanced classes if you can and if you can't then hire a tutor who teaches a subject 3-4 grade levels above where she is at. Make sure it is a no-nonsense tutor who knows their shit because many of them will be all cuddly with your kid which is not what they need. She needs a tutor whose praise is hard to earn but worth more the gold when given. She needs a challenge. The faster she moves the more you give her. The more she grinds her feet into the ground the more you pack on her.


Ok I was pretty much the same as your daughter around that age except it happened earlier for me. But before I get into why I need to start off a little bit earlier. I have an older brother who had amazing grades in elementary school and went into a magnet school from middle school though high school. He then managed to get involved with the wrong crowd, got drunk all the time, had sex all the time, got high all the time and basically peer pressured into throwing away all of the amazing shit he had. That is a really short summary of a very stressful and shitty time my parents had trying to get him back on track. (FYI they never did. He sits in jail right now.)

So when I came around and tested out of elementary school also my parents decided that magnet schools are what lead to my brothers problem and stuck me in a public school instead. My grades dropped like a fucking rock. With a rocket attached to it. Going into a black hole. The public school I went to in Texas was one of the SHITTEST FUCKING PLACES EVER. Roving gang fights every day (yes this is MIDDLE SCHOOL) and teachers going over the same fucking subject 3 weeks in a row because no one got it. I remember how it blew my mind the first time I saw someone older then me struggle to read a paragraph that the teacher asked them to during class. And then it was worse when I realized we were actually going to do this all class long. The whole chapter. That we were supposed to have read last night. WTF.

I just stopped giving a shit. In history class I would skip ahead and finding interesting chapters to read (Loved WW stuff obviously) and when the teacher called on me to answer a question because I wasn't "paying attention" I would look up, read the board, and answer the question then go right back to reading. I got in trouble over that every day. I did the same shit in math class because it was to stupidly easy for me to waste my time over.

Mind you as a child I wasn't thinking like this in a straight line or anything I just remember being bored out of my mind and just hating that school and wanting to go home and play.

Now I didn't get along with anyone at this public school as all of my friends also tested out of elementary and went to magnet school so I didn't get along or hang out with anyone. But this one teacher who saw me eating my lunch and reading books every day stopped by my table and started talking to me during lunch. it was just some older black guy but I didn't know him or have him in any of my classes but every day at lunch he would just talk to me about what I was reading. Then he invited me to eat my lunch during his 8th grade social studies class. I said no but he offered to buy my lunch if I did so I said sure. (Ok ok this could have turned into some fucked up child molester story BUT IT DIDN'T and at that age I trusted teachers) So in his social studies classes he handed me a book and said if I could follow what he was teaching then go ahead and try. Totally casual but here I am 2-3 years younger then everyone else in this class and it was like a total fucking challenge. I was like social studies... how hard can it be? I read this shit for fun. So I followed the classes. I raised my hand. I answered the questions. I took the tests. He graded my shit and showed me I was getting A's in his class if I had been there for real.

Now I was still totally fucking up in my other classes and generally not giving a shit and this was the 3rd parent teacher conference my parents were having about it. Except this time it was in the principals office and he was there. He basically told my parents and the principal that I was to smart to be in the classes I am in and that was why my grades were so bad. My parents told the principal and him about my brother and why they held me back but he convinced them to put me in advanced science, history, and math classes to see what would happen.

Got all A's.



Now my story would normally end with me going to a magnet high school and then an awesome college and becoming a millionaire but then my parents got divorced right after my first year of FUCKING AWESOME magnet school whereupon I moved to Indiana and had to go to public school again. I will never make that mistake with my children. Ever.


And if you are wondering how he knew about my other grades and and shitty performance in other classes I don't honestly know. I think that my other social studies teacher (an older black women at the time) had something to do with it since I was scoring A's on her tests while failing in participation because I would spend all of class reading. She always seemed to go easier on me then the other teachers so I assume it was her doing but I truly don't know.