Terrible Jokes Thread

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf?

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors?

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute,

and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'



The doctors says I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

A man walks in to a zoo.

The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It's a Shitzu.

A. Knock, Knock.

B. Who's there?

A. Control freak NOW YOU SAY 'CONTROL FREAK WHO?'

An old couple met in a nursing home. Each of them were widowers, having recently lost their spouse prior to moving into the home. Being lonely, the developed a friendship and eventually the topic turned to sex. Neither of them had had sex in a long time and were not sure they were even capable at this point, being in their 80's.

So, the man asks the woman to just put her hands in his pants as it would feel good, provide some intimacy and remind them both of their younger days. They kept this up each day, meeting in his room after lunch where they would sit and talk with her hands in his pants.

One day, she came to his room after lunch and he wasn't there. She figured he had something else to do or maybe his family had taken him out for a day trip. But, he wasn't there the next day, either, or the day after that. She asked the nurse where he had gone and she said she thought he had headed down to the other wing of the home.

So, she sets off to find him and eventually does, sitting in another woman's room with her hands down his pants. They looked at each other awkwardly and she asked "I'm too old to be upset about this, at this point, but I have to ask, what has she got that I don't have?".

"Parkinson's"

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he?d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn?t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man. ?Well, I don?t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don?t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except ?? said the old man, and then he stopped. ?Except what?? asked the businessman. ?Nothing, nothing,? said the old man. ?C?mon, tell me! I need something!? protested the businessman. ?Well, sir, I don?t usually mention this, but there is the ?voodoo dick,?? the old man said. ?So what?s up with this voodoo dick?? the businessman asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, ?Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!? The old man said, ?But you haven?t seen what it?ll do yet.? He pointed to a door and said ?Voodoo dick, the door.? The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, ?Voodoo dick, get back in your box!? The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. The businessman said, ?I?ll take it!? The old man resisted and said it wasn?t for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, ?Voodoo dick, my pussy.? He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone. After he?d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said ?Voodoo dick, my pussy!? The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she?d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she?d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she?d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn?t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn?t stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, ?Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!?