Terrible Jokes Thread
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Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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Guy is visiting mexico and he decides he wants to get out of the resort and check out the locals. He goes into a restaurant, sees the special today is cojones so he orders them. They are delicious. As he's paying he asks what cojones are and he's told. "Well senior, we have bullfights every night. Cojones are the testicles of the bulls that are killed"
The guy is disgusted at first, but after thinking about it later he realizes they were really good no matter where they came from. So he goes back the next night and orders cojones again. About halfway through them he calls the waiter over and asks why they are so much smaller than the day before. The waiter answers, "Well Senior. The bull. He does not always lose"
The guy is disgusted at first, but after thinking about it later he realizes they were really good no matter where they came from. So he goes back the next night and orders cojones again. About halfway through them he calls the waiter over and asks why they are so much smaller than the day before. The waiter answers, "Well Senior. The bull. He does not always lose"
Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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And the biggest tourist draw is the fucking cops!
http://www.theguardian.com/world/201...ssels-lockdown
Seriously though, I hope I get to see pics of those female cops. I'm imagining they are hot and super sexy
Seriously though, I hope I get to see pics of those female cops. I'm imagining they are hot and super sexy
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Little Johnny is walking down the street with a jar of money under his arm and dragging along a dead frog on a string. He walks into a whorehouse and sets the jar of money on the counter. He proclaims to the woman standing behind it "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here kid, you're too young." Little Johnny retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me get what I want."
She reluctantly agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Yolanda, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up his pants. The lady behind the counter asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Perplexed, she asks him why.
He replies,
"My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman... and HE'S THE MOTHER FUCKER WHO RAN OVER MY FROG"
She reluctantly agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Yolanda, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up his pants. The lady behind the counter asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Perplexed, she asks him why.
He replies,
"My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sex with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sex with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sex with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sex with the Mailman... and HE'S THE MOTHER FUCKER WHO RAN OVER MY FROG"
Aaron
Goonsquad Officer
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I was half way through that post when I realised I was in the Joke thread and not reading the J49 thread. :/
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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess."
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess."
Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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Last week I was at a jobsite and I saw a guy fishing around in the portajon. Asked him if he lost something and he said he'd lost his coat. I told him the coat was already ruined and if I were him I'd let it go. He said he knew the coat was ruined, but his lunch was in the pocket.
Evernothing
Bronze Baronet of the Realm
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So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court
"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".
The defense lawyer counts down from ten and everybody looks to the door. Nothing happens.
" Ah ha!" says the defense "you all looked to the door, therefor I conclude that their is reasonable doubt in this case and ask that my client be found not guilty."
The jury then deliberates. After twenty-five minutes they return the verdict of guilty. "But you all looked!" Says the lawyer. "Yes," says the Jury, "but your client didn't."
"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".
The defense lawyer counts down from ten and everybody looks to the door. Nothing happens.
" Ah ha!" says the defense "you all looked to the door, therefor I conclude that their is reasonable doubt in this case and ask that my client be found not guilty."
The jury then deliberates. After twenty-five minutes they return the verdict of guilty. "But you all looked!" Says the lawyer. "Yes," says the Jury, "but your client didn't."