Terrible Jokes Thread

How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A priest giving confessional really has to take a piss so he grabs the janitor and drags him into the confessional booth. "Can you fill in for me for a minute?"
"What?"
"Just listen to people, give them 10 hail Mary's, and send them on their way, it's easy," says the priest, and he runs to the bathroom.
A woman comes in on the other side of the curtain. "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have committed countless sins of the flesh, I love sucking cock."
The janitor says, "well, just, uhm, say ten hail Mary's and you shall be forgiven."
"No father, you don't understand! I live for sucking cock, I give out multiple blowjobs to strangers every day, I need more than just hail Mary's!"
Confused, the janitor leans out of the booth, stops a passing altar boy, and whispers, "Hey, what does father O'Mally usually give out for blowjobs?"
The boy says, "Two Snickers bars."

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
The bouncer is a blonde girl
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Three blonde women were on one side of a river wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river." so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get across this river." So God turns her into a red head and she builds a boat and rows across the river. The third also prays "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as both of those women combined." So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

This guy has a 12 inch cock. He's always wanted to know what it feels like to get it all the way inside a girl, but the girls he has been with have all had shallow vaginas. So, he goes to a whore house and asks the front desk manager "I'd like your 3 best and deepest girls please." The man gives him three keys, charges him $75, and points to rooms 1, 2, and 3. Inside room 1 he finds a redhead. They start going at it - 10 inches in, and he can't go any deeper. Inside room 2 he finds a brunette. He climbs on top - 11 inches in, almost there but not quite. Inside door 3 he finds a blonde. He puts himself inside her and holy shit, he's in all the way! 12 fuckin inches! He can't believe it, finally he know what it feels like! He starts to come but just then the blonde starts foaming at the mouth. He freaks out and runs out to get help. He yells for the front desk manager "Hey man! Girl in room 3 is foaming at the mouth! I think she needs help!" The manager calmly leans back and yells for his co-worker "Hey Tom, dead girl is full again."

Women are like hurricanes. They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then.
God, I love my new Taser...

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

A doctor, a priest, and an engineer go golfing. After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.
"Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do."
The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men."
The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!"
The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her naked in your arms. For your beard is little more than the kind of fuzz that ladies have in certain places, and it is easy to tell from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good."

On his turn, the knight asks "Lady, answer me without deceit. Is there hair between your legs?" When she replies, "none at all", he comments, "Indeed I do believe you, for grass does not grow on a well-beaten path."

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?'
'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?' questioned the doctor.
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'