Terrible Jokes Thread

This thread really shocks me at how bad it is... none of you fucks know any good dirty jokes? WTF!

A man walks into his psychiatrist's office completely naked, wrapped in saran wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "well.... i can clearly see your nuts."

Leeroy is talking to his parents about his problems:
"Mummy, whenever I try to play with the white boys and girls, they always call me a American Inventor - why is that?
"Well," replies his mum, "that's because you are black."
"And mummy, why do the teachers shout at me and tell me to go away, but they are nice to the white boys and girls?"
"Well," replies his mum, "that's because you are black."
Then Leroy grins and says "Well, whenever I'm in the shower with the white boys I notice that my penis is much bigger than their penises."
"Well," replies his mum, "that's because you are 37.

One day a Jewish grandmother had taken her grandson to the beach for a play when suddenly a huge wave washed over the infant and pulled him out to sea. The distraught grandmother fell down on her knees, and sobbed, "Please God, don't let my grandson die, please, he is my only grandson! He is the future of my family, please return him to me safely!" Instantly another huge wave rolls the infant back onto the beach and the grandmother looks up to the sky and said, "He had a hat!"

i dunno, i laughed the hardest at Gnomedolf's coat hanger joke.

On a Christmas cruise on a luxury ocean liner in the Pacific, a passenger sees seven straggly people on a small island jumping up and down and waving their hands and shouting. "Who are they?" the passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. But each year when we pass, they go nuts like that."


.

A Poem About Tomatoes

I know a Muslim whose name is Jim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin,
But these fuckers do, because they're still in the tin

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

What do a 9-volt battery and a girl's asshole have in common?




You know you're not supposed to, but eventually you're going to lick one.

What did the stuffing say to the turkey?

You're full of it.

A pregnant woman is in labor for many hours at the hospital. Finally the baby is delivered, and the exhausted woman holds out her arms. "Give me my baby," she says. "I want to hold my baby."
"Just a moment, ma'am," the doctor says. "I'm sure you know there's a routine procedure we follow for newborns." He turns the child over and slaps it on its butt.
"OK," says the woman. "Now give me my baby."
"Just a moment, ma'am, just a moment," says the doctor. Then he turns the baby over again, and punches it square in the face.
The woman gasps. "Ok, ok!" she says. "Now give me my baby!"
"Ma'am," the doctor says reassuringly. "Trust me. I'm a professional. Just one more moment, please." With this, he takes the baby by the ankles, raises it above his head, and slams it against a steel operating table, over and over again.
"Oh my God!" the woman screams. "You killed my baby!"
"Aw, I'm just fucking with you," the doctor laughs. "It was already dead."

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island...

He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...

One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.

But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...

She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...

"Really?, youll do anything id like?"

"yes" she said "anything!"

"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"

"ok..."

"now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"

"wha... ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly.

"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"

she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat.

"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"

"ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.

"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited...

She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h... suddenly the dude grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!"