Terrible Jokes Thread
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Mudcrush Durtfeet
Hungry Ogre
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MFF and Chuk were wandering lost in the forest when they came upon some tracks. They immediately started arguing as to what kind of tracks they were.
MFF insisted that they were from alien visitors from another dimension, showing various blurry pictures of indistinct blobs. Chuk disagreed, saying they were ancient tracks from prehistoric civilizations that would upend history when people realized the import.
They were still arguing an hour later when the train hit them.
MFF insisted that they were from alien visitors from another dimension, showing various blurry pictures of indistinct blobs. Chuk disagreed, saying they were ancient tracks from prehistoric civilizations that would upend history when people realized the import.
They were still arguing an hour later when the train hit them.
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loudgas
Golden Baronet of the Realm
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I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, and the wind would catch it for a few seconds, but then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife was watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
Finally, she opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."
I turned, confused, and said, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, and the wind would catch it for a few seconds, but then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife was watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
Finally, she opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."
I turned, confused, and said, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.
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Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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loudgas
Golden Baronet of the Realm
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You all know I'm not a doctor... When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters 'PNEIS' into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters 'PNEIS' into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
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There are 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench.
A man in a trench-coat walks by and flashes them.
2 of the old ladies have a stroke.
The other one couldn't reach that far.
A man in a trench-coat walks by and flashes them.
2 of the old ladies have a stroke.
The other one couldn't reach that far.
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A young man from Newfoundland moves to Toronto.
After a year he writes to his parents. In his letter he says,
"Hi mom and dad. I know it's been a while but so much has happened since I moved to Toronto. I got my own apartment, a pretty decent job and I met a wonderful woman whom I plan to marry. I'm living and eating well and I've grown another foot.
Three months go by and he gets a package back from his mother with a letter saying how "proud she and his father are of their boy and the success he's been having.
In the package he found three socks.
After a year he writes to his parents. In his letter he says,
"Hi mom and dad. I know it's been a while but so much has happened since I moved to Toronto. I got my own apartment, a pretty decent job and I met a wonderful woman whom I plan to marry. I'm living and eating well and I've grown another foot.
Three months go by and he gets a package back from his mother with a letter saying how "proud she and his father are of their boy and the success he's been having.
In the package he found three socks.
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"Of course I won't laugh."
Said the nurse. "I am a professional. In over 20 years of working here, I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay, then," Said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to suppress a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very bad at laughing at the mans part she composed herself as well as she could. "I am very sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor, as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"Its swollen," Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
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loudgas
Golden Baronet of the Realm
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A guy walks into a bar and says, "I just heard a great redneck joke!" A HUGE guy stands up off a barstool and says, "Just a minute, buddy. Before you tell that joke, I'm Jake. I'm six-three and weigh two-eighty, all muscle. And I'm a redneck. That guy over there is a professional wrestler, and he's a redneck. And the guy behind the bar has a pistol next to the cash register and he's a redneck, too. Now, you really want to tell that joke?" And the fellow thinks and says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three different times."
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Evernothing
Bronze Baronet of the Realm
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