Terrible Jokes Thread

Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?


Cause you cant C in the dark

Hail to the Sun God.

He sure is a fun god.

Ra! Ra! Ra!

Two blondes are building a house​

As they're hammering away, one blonde notices that the other is discarding every other nail she picks up.
Blonde 1: What are you doing?!
Blonde 2: These nails are no good. The pointy part is on the wrong end.
Blonde 1: You are one dumbass blonde! Those are for the other side of the house!

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation
Years ago, when one could actually enjoy travel, a man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem and while they were there, the wife unfortunately passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.” The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?"
The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.
She's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

• Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,
• Doesn't need heating,

But she still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

• Has great packaging.

1. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big
Tits.

2. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no
passion. I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

3. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide. I decided I needed a girl with stability.

4. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

5. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.

She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. I decided
to find someone with some real ambition.

6. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious lady with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced
me and took everything I owned.

7. I'm older and much wiser now. So, I'm looking for a woman with big tits.

I always take 40 or 50 lighters with me in a bag...
Not because I'll need them, but you can always use a lighter bag when hiking.
And I make sure it's not an odd number so that way it's even lighter.

My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea.

Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.

Girl: Come over

Guy: I'm coming over

Girl: We should stop using Walkie-Talkies in bed over