Terrible Jokes Thread

Haus said:

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I guess a coping saw is a thing? Whatever but it reminds me of an old joke

Guy goes into a hardware store asking for a flat bastard file. The clerk is new and she gets upset at the customer and tells him he shouldn't be using that sort of language even if this is a hardware store. As she's laying into him, the manager comes out to see what's going on. He informs her that flat bastard file is an actual tool and shows her where they are. He lets her know their customers are always quite polite and she should stop assuming people are cussing for the sake of cussing.

Later that day another customer comes in looking for a file but he can't remember what it's called. She's kind of giddy at being able to say bastard now so she offers "Is it a flat bastard file you're looking for?" The customer replies, "No, I want one of them round motherfuckers".

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
In his country, they believe there should an eye for an eye.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, the undertaker made rounds to get requests for last meals. He requested a single banana as his last meal.
Puzzled by this request, the guard asked if he wanted anything else, to which he replied, "no, one banana will do."
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
This time, he fell asleep, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two tourists.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
The undertaker came around, was stunned to see him again, and requested his final meal.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The undertaker checked all appliances and connections this time.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three homeless people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
The undertaker was absolutely floored. "You again? Why, how, what are you doing here again?"
"I killed three people this time driving the train.... But I would like three bananas this time as my last meal."
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now.

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The undertaker poured a bucket of water on him and got an extra large sponge doused with water to place on the prisoner's head.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was stunned. "You...you..you didn't get the bananas....I don't understand....why you won't die."
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."