Terrible Jokes Thread

Haus said:

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I guess a coping saw is a thing? Whatever but it reminds me of an old joke

Guy goes into a hardware store asking for a flat bastard file. The clerk is new and she gets upset at the customer and tells him he shouldn't be using that sort of language even if this is a hardware store. As she's laying into him, the manager comes out to see what's going on. He informs her that flat bastard file is an actual tool and shows her where they are. He lets her know their customers are always quite polite and she should stop assuming people are cussing for the sake of cussing.

Later that day another customer comes in looking for a file but he can't remember what it's called. She's kind of giddy at being able to say bastard now so she offers "Is it a flat bastard file you're looking for?" The customer replies, "No, I want one of them round motherfuckers".

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
In his country, they believe there should an eye for an eye.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, the undertaker made rounds to get requests for last meals. He requested a single banana as his last meal.
Puzzled by this request, the guard asked if he wanted anything else, to which he replied, "no, one banana will do."
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
This time, he fell asleep, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two tourists.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
The undertaker came around, was stunned to see him again, and requested his final meal.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The undertaker checked all appliances and connections this time.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three homeless people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
The undertaker was absolutely floored. "You again? Why, how, what are you doing here again?"
"I killed three people this time driving the train.... But I would like three bananas this time as my last meal."
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now.

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The undertaker poured a bucket of water on him and got an extra large sponge doused with water to place on the prisoner's head.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was stunned. "You...you..you didn't get the bananas....I don't understand....why you won't die."
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

Two guys are out driving. They come upon a red light and the driver blows right through it. The passenger goes "WHAT THE FUCK MAN, THAT WAS RED!" The driver goes "My cousin taught me to drive and he blows through red lights, so I do too" Then they came upon a light that was red and had 2 cars waiting. The driver pulled onto the shoulder and blew through the red light. The passenger goes "WHAT THE FUCK MAN THOSE CARS WERE STOPPED" Driver goes, "Hey, my cousin does that, so I do too". Later they see a red light that the driver is about to blow through, but it turns green and he slams on the brakes. Passenger goes "WHAT THE FUCK THAT ONE's GREEN!". Driver says "Just checking to make sure my cousin isn't coming from the other direction."

Q: What do you call a boomerang that does not return when you throw it?

A: A stick.

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Went and had my prostate exam today, after the doctor finished he left the room. Immediately following the nurse walked in and said the 3 words you never want to hear.. "Who was that"

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A Methodist minister was cherished by his congregation because he was so down to earth and inspiring; his sermons were always based on a normal life activity. Some of the parents in the congregation had asked him several times to have a sermon on sex for the benefit of the younger members of the church. The preacher, who's wife helped him prepare every sermon, was hesitant to delve into the subject because of the amount of effort he and his wife put into each and every sermon and he was a bit timid to do this with his wife.

During the week the minister and his wife prepared a sermon based on sailing and when Sunday morning came, the ministers wife was under the weather and said she would have to miss the day's service. On the way to the church, the minister decided that, despite the lack of preparation, today would be the day to have a sermon on sex and so he scrubbed the sermon on sailing and decided to wing it with a sermon based on sex.

The following Sunday a few ladies came to the ministers wife and raved about how inspiring his sermon was last week, confiding that he seemed to be such and expert on the subject.

The ministers wife said "well, you know how good he is with words, but quite frankly, he's only ever done it twice, he threw up the first time and the second time his hat blew off!"

I didn't mean to push all my wife's buttons last night, I was just trying to find the mute.

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Two guys go to the unemployment office after losing their jobs. They meet with the agent and the first guy explains that he is a seamstress, he cuts and sews lady's pantyhose. The second guy explains that he is a diesel fitter. After a while the agent calls them back into his office and explains that guy #1 will receive $100 per week unemployment, and guy #2 will receive $150 per week. Guy #1 asks why guy #2 is going to make more money.

The agent explains that a diesel fitter is much more trained position and thus worth more money. Guy #1 says "I make the fuckin things, he just holds em up and says "dees'l fit'er"

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What do you do if King Kong comes through your window?

Start swimming.

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith.”

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I stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun was, then it dawned on me...

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Why was it so difficult to communicate with Helen Keller?

Because she was a female!

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Q. How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door

Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why?
A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator

Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How?
A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party