Well, holy shit what a difference almost 3 months can make in your life! So I avoided this thread, my posts for that time. I have come back a few times and read some things here. I never went back to read my original posts. I just did go read some, and some of it was pathetic.
So here's an update. It's really long, I just want to get this shit out... I was suffering from oneitis. It fucking sucks. Do not ever do this. I wanted or marriage to work, and I was willing to make it work and forgive if she was willing to lay everything out on the table. I wanted her to put in effort to show me she was truly sorry and was willing to do whatever it takes for us to work.
I was at my wits end, I knew she had a burner phone. I knew she was still in contact with him. I wrote her an ultimatum. That was a mistake, I know now. You do not do this! She says she's terrified to tell me what i want to know. I put in there how I want her to show me the phone she has and to call and tell him shes done, and to tell me everything I wanted to know. I sent it to her on 1/23. The morning of the 26th I woke up horny and was trying to initiate sex, I realized I was being a desperate chump. So I decided I was going to not talk to her at all that day. She messaged me from work at about 1130pm and said it was weird not talking to me all day. I ignored it. So fast forward to the morning of the 27th. We had some crazy good sex. Afterwards I just kind of shut down, I didn't cuddle with her or anything. This drove her mad really fast.
She started giving me shit, and I told her flat out I was pissed off and I was over the lies. I told her I was sick of it all. She confessed about the phone. She told me she had been seeing him still. She told me she didnt go into work last Saturday to go to his Christmas work party with him, and that they had sex that night and that was the last time she had slept with him. She told me everything. He had messaged her burner phone a few times. She messaged him back saying that she had told me everything. He got all defensive, told her how its a mistake to try to work things out with me, she doesn't really love me. He loves her so much etc etc. She said I need to be with my husband. He called her and started pleading his case. She just sat and cried. Then said she had to go, and hung up. He followed up with a bunch of texts still pleading his case... I took the phone away and hid it, fuck that shit.
I told her she had to be 100% in this. She had to be 100% sure she wants our marriage or she can leave. I m done. I am done feeling like shit, im done being anxious. I'm done being hurt, walked on, lied to, cheated on. She said she knows and said she wants me and our marriage. I started feeling like we were starting to move in a good direction. ( I know...)
So last night I get home from work and shes writing in a notebook. I asked what she was doing and she said writing out some feelings I have for you. Im not sure if im going to give it to you or not. Maybe I just need to vent it out and throw it away. I said okay, and when she was done I asked if I could read it then. she said sure, but wait until the kids are in bed. She said I would want to talk about it.
So I am reading it and it starts at the beginning of our relationship. She was 16 and I had just turned 18. We were in highschool together. In hindsight it was a bad thing from the start. She had a boyfriend that lived out of state, she had visited him a couple times. So we got to fucking around, and I would always bring up her bf and basically say she needs to end it with him. She would never do it. She was talking to him on the phone every night and seeing me in person regularly. I got a townhouse with my friends and she was basically living with me at the townhouse. I told her she really needed to end it with him. One night she did. She moved in a little more permanently. Brought more clothes etc... Then we got our own apartment after our leases ended at the town house. Not too long after she got really depressed. This was ultra hard on me, and she was going through hell. That's when she started working at the video game store and eventually started fucking with the first guy, then shit rolled into the 2nd guy, and then the first guy shit came back up not too long ago, apparently he left his wife for her and all this crazy shit. She told him that she wouldn't leave me for him. He got pissed, did the shit he did, the current guy was there so she leaned on him over that shit and it escalated to what it is now.
She then talks about how shes never been away from me for 15 years and that she doesn't think she was ever actually truly in love with me. She said she wants to separate to have time apart to see how she feels being alone. So she can come to a decision on if she really loves me or whatever. That fucking hit me like a fucking truck. I started thinking about how fucking stupid I was to push and fight for our relationship over the 15 years. I was realizing I was fucking retarded. I always thought about it, but seeing it on paper and reading it made it a lot worse. I was a fucking wreck.
We have been in each other's lives for 15 years, we have 2 kids together. Its hard to think of life without her being with me, just the friendship stuff. I consider her one of my best friends and she said the same. Yes, our relationship was built on bullshit but its hard to dismiss 15 years together. We share so much and are so intertwined in life I don't really know how to get past it if that makes any sense... Of course we will always be in each others lives to some extent having to co parent.
I do not see how a separation will help anything in the end. Divorce seems like the only real option like it was so obvious to all of you. I have learned that women can never love a man the way they want to be loved. Its impossible. Men are the true romantics. Woman do not love the same way as men. I have been reading a lot of /redpill stuff recently. Its eye opening. I have been reading a lot of things from therationalmale.com. Its putting shit into perspective for me. Im starting to understand some shit in life better. Hypergamy doesn't care.
