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I'm not big on wishing people to die, but maybe Cartman from South Park could be appropriate. Or Chaos. He's only a low information janitor, after all. But probably just Cartman.

Ugh. Sorry, Chaos. I surely hope you get consistent reports henceforth on your child's progress. My five year old starts kindergarten in two days, and I'm hoping the in-house therapists helps him with his "r" pronunciation. I know there's plenty of time for that to correct, but I'd love for...

NSFW

What have I begun?

I don't find her attractive. So, no.

Wife, too. Possibly some nieces and nephews. Mom maybe?

Fall over like you've been stricken by his blow. Adults can be assholes, too.

Ezri Dax: would you?

Betty White holding a flaming chainsaw, riding John Ritter the centaur.

The internet in one gif.

Forgive me, kind and polite sir. Somehow I missed it. Have some surprise boobies.

My very good friends' daughter only pooped about once a week until she was well over a year. Doctor said as long as she wasn't uncomfortable, bloated, or bleeding, all was well. So long as she was continuing to eat, as well. They complained about the gas, too. Turns out girls do fart. I'd say...

Easy solve for spiders:

So, he's just been raped vaginally or orally?

We can all play that game. Also, is this Sandra Bullock? How do I get this job?

This page is like frickin' Russian Roulette. My ballsack is still aching after looking at that gif...

Lurkingdirk approves this post.

Baloney. This was done by President Obama. He's tracking you.

You know you all did this.

Okay, here's a recipe I thought would be a complete dud, but was fan-freaking-tastic. Try it. If you have a fancy vitamix blender, you can just keep adding ice, and eat this as a sorbet. I did it in a regular blender, and served it as Popsicles made in home made molds. I doubled the recipe...

Your personal physician's office will have a list of recommendations, likely. Might be more credible than an internet search?

The plates are made of pure, refined cocaine. That's why they want them back so badly.

That's great. Keep trying different solutions, you'll certainly find one that does the trick. I have friends that turned a door handle around, so it could be locked from the outside. Kids couldn't get out of their rooms. Not sure about the advisability of that, but it certainly worked for...

Fine. Douche. I responded on his depression thread. And if you're looking for a gift for a one year old, get something that has immediate gratification, if you're hoping to get a response. Or, wait, and make birthdays really special when the child will remember them. Bake your one year...