Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022)

Warpath

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pre-ordering the steel book. unlike you bigots, i refuse to colonize a theater seat
 

Ossoi

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The secret to its box office numbers

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Xarpolis

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pre-ordering the steel book. unlike you bigots, i refuse to colonize a theater seat
Waiting for them to even announce the steelbook. MCU does it differently, not taking presales until 2 weeks before it is released. Sony, on the other hand, took pre orders of Spider-Man No Way Home Steelbook a few days before it was even in theaters. That made resellers so happy.

Edit: This is all best buy is showing right now on their app.

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Big Phoenix

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Bro Xarpolis you are worse than a meth addict. Youre like a jewish meth addict sucking a nazis guards dick the day before the same guard pushes them into the gas chambers.

Watching the drinkers review good god does this movie sound like retarded dog shit.
 
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Il_Duce Lightning Lord Rule

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The reveal that blackpanther had a son, and the reason why his gf didn't come to his funeral was to keep him secret. His name is Prince T'sung son of King T'Challa. So they can eventually recast a black man as black panther.
Attacked by sea mexicans made me worf IRL. 8/10 review, only missing a "black people heading for the water?? Great plan!" type joke.
 
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meStevo

I think your wife's a bigfoot gus.
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Doom connections make sense, building to some version of the Doomwar storyline.
 

Xarpolis

Life's a Dream
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Bro Xarpolis you are worse than a meth addict. Youre like a jewish meth addict sucking a nazis guards dick the day before the same guard pushes them into the gas chambers.

Watching the drinkers review good god does this movie sound like retarded dog shit.
You're not wrong. SteelBooks are my only vice now, and I treat them like my daughter treats Pokemon. Gotta get 'em all.
 
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Aazrael

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Too bad I'm white and not allowed to watch this. Will have to wait for Pitch Meeting to give me the cliff notes, like all MCUs since Endgame.
 
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Seananigans

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Yes. Shuri is the new black panther, all 80 lbs of her. Yes she defeats namor who is basically a god in this version of the mcu. omg his weakness is water (or the lack thereof)! its like a shitty version of signs. he's like frozone from the incredibles if he's hot or dehydrated he can't use his superpowers.

I got you booze, here is the whole movie:
the sister of T'Challa is busy doing research trying to artificially recreate the magic flowers, as a way of curing bp of some unknown illness. She fails, he dies. They do a homage/funeral to T'Challa ie chadwick boseman. Angela Basette (the mom) is restored to queen. 1 year passes. Thinking Wakanda is weak without a bp, various colonizer countries are sending mercs and shit attacking Wakadan outposts and research facilities attempting to get their hands on some vibranium, while the UN is browbeating Wakanda for not sharing their technology (ie vibranium) with the world like BP promised before his death. the bald bitches do their thing and the queen parades a bunch of captured mercs before the UN (they turn out to be french, france was one of the main countries crying about sharing vibranium).

Anyway the uh, whatever they are called, the team of discount avengers led by Julia Louis-Dreyfus, they have bilbo on the payroll but he is secretly spying on behalf of wakanda. Anyway they are searching the rest of the world for a source of vibranium and find a huge amount in the middle of the ocean, but they are attacked by sea mexicans. They are blue for some reason.

The world thinks its the wakandas who attacked a "scientific research vessel" and get mad. Namor goes to wakanda because apparently its on the ocean (always though that little pond of theirs was a lake and wakanda was deep in the jungle, but apparently nope its a coastal country and their capital city is oceanside.) Anyway he basically wants to ally with wakandas as the only 2 original super tribes of people who have vibranium, he warns that the humans have made a device that can detect vibranium and that will lead them to his hidden ocean kingdom. He wants the wakandans to find the scientist who made it, he leaves the device with the queen & shuri and a seashell that lets them communicate with him. The head bald chick, general or whatever, convinces the queen to let shuri and her go find this scientist.

At some point Shuri hires BPs old love interest(?) who is living in haiti to help find this scientist as well. well bald chick and shuri find her first, Turns out its a 19 year old Snoop from the wire. She mumbles incoherently and flashes gang signs or something, idk I need subtitles for her language because its worse than ebonics. Anyway the movie tells us she's super smart, like the smartest person in history or something. Tells. Does not show or even make attempt to convince us of this. Yeah she made the device which can find vibranium anywhere on earth. Also she makes ironman suits.

Because she is a black woman, wakanda decides not to turn over this scientist to the sea mexicans but instead take her back to wakanda, but they are attacked on the way back and easily defeated by sea mexicans. They take riri and shuri to atlantis or whatever leaving the general knocked out. She returns to wakanda and queen is big mad and fires her so she's not general anymore.

meanwhile, shuri is in atlantis and getting along well seeing this rich vibrant underwater mexican culture and seems amiable to an alliance. All namor wants is to keep his civilization hidden from the surface world so he wants to kill this scientist who can give them tech to eventually find atlantis. Shuri doesnt want to kill a black woman because only Black Lives Matter so Namor is like, ok fine, if you want her to live then that means, we gotta kill everyone else on the surface and the two of us will rule the world and she hesistantly nopes out of it. He shows her what his people have done with the vibranium, which is created a minature sun like Doc Ock was trying to do in Spiderman 2, its a huge device underwater which gives his people daylight. Goes in to his origin story a bit which is they were aztecs or some shit incans maybe whoever was living on the Yucatan peninsula in the 1600s when conquistadors were invading. his whole tribe was dying of small pox or whatever from the spanish so their shaman preys to their sea god and sea god shows them magic purple flowers but these are underwater, anyway the whole tribe of people do this bp ritual thing and drink the flower juice, the only one who is hesitant is namors mom who is very pregnant with namor and doesnt know what that purple drank will do to her baby, but she eventually does.

So the whole tribe are basically super human strong black panther types, except the sea god made them blue and now they can't breath air and have to live underwater. The mom gives birth to namor and he is a mutant, he literally has tiny wings growing out of his ankles and can breath air and water. Also he ages super fucking slow. he's only about 6 when his mom dies of old age. She wants to be buried in her homeland so namor takes his mom back to where they came from to find spanish conquistadors running some slave plantation so they go all mexican lives matter and murder all the white people. The tribe builds a kingdom underwater and eventually come to worship namor as a god because all the original tribe members are long dead and their descendants don't know any better. Also he's super smart and strong and shit (even compared to them, they are all black panther strong) and just casually invented cold fusion underwater and built a sun.

Anyway back to the present, Namor presents his ultimatum to wakanda's queen. Ally and help him defeat the surface world, or else he will kill his captive (princess shuri/scientist) and wakanda will be the first surface civilization his people destroy. Queen says no, she wont let them kill the scientist because and only because she is black and Black Lives Matter. meanwhile bp's old love interest finally finds the scientist riri underwater in atlantis and is able to sneak down there and break them out. yeah idk this part was fuzzy, she was able to sneak down underwater and break them out tho. reasons. anyway they return to wakanda.

Sea mexican's attack and because a) wakanda is suddenly oceanfront property and b) they made zero effort to prepare themselves they are basically almost wiped out. their city is destroyed the queen is killed and they have to seek refuge with bigbois dog barker tribe? whoever the fuck they are.

Shuri who was given a bracelet of friendship by namor earlier, scans the hempen like material the bracelet is made out of and is able to recreate the magic flower since this plant also grew in vibranium rich soil. She then becomes the black panther. her vision quest isn't of her ancestors or the panther god though, its of killmonger saying "bitch i told you I was right yall shoulda let me stay king we would be running this joint" and anyway she decides she too will seek vengence.

So they decide that having gotten absolutely trounced on dry land it would be a great idea to take a small army on a boat and attack sea mexicans at sea. Yep. Smartest, most advanced civilization on the planet doing big brain shit all the time.

They realized that namor has to return to the water every so often because his power comes from the sea and if he's stuck on dry land his powers will wane, so they make a giant microwave thing to attack him with. Also they realized during the escape that the sea mexicans are weak against sonic attacks because underwater, idk, yeah sonar or something, ya they are just weak against sonar attacks so they put a sonic beacon on their ship to hopefully keep the sea mexicans away so they can maybe trap namor in the air. Riri makes an anime style ironman suit that looks like the spider robot from into the multiverse, shuri has been working on kinda ironman style armor for the bald bitches so a few of them get suited up. The plan is to capture and kill namor.

I forgot to mention that the sea mexicans all have this siren song type power where they can simply lure people into the water. Yet somehow, they are the ones who are weak to sonic attacks? IDK, but of course it doesnt matter because they instantly destroy the sonic beacon and start fucking up the boat and all the people on it.

Shuri is able to capture namor and put him in the microwave thing so he is weakened but he still has a solid vibranium spear and he just fucks up the jet they are flying in, forcing it to crash, shuri is able to crash land it in to the desert 50 feet from the ocean...

they fight and even weakened namor literally impales shuri's black panther through the stomach, his spear pierces the rock behind her and she is just stuck impaled. he then starts to limp off the 50 feet to get back to the ocean and regain his powers. Shuri as she is dying starts having flash backs and by the power of milking the memory and images of their sadly departed co-star chadwick boseman she is able to find the strength to a) snap the pure vibranium spear in half b) slide herself off of it deadpool style c) beat the shit out of the guy who just completely trounced her and left her impaled to a stone. she rips one of his wings off and then is about to spear him, when angela basset flashbacks convinces her to do the right thing and so she makes him yield and they return and he tells his people to stop murdering all the wakandans on the boat. Like 90% of them have died by this point theres like only 8 wakandas left (the ones who's face you recognize) on the edge of the boat, all the extras have died/drown.

It's like they aren't sending their best or something...idk bringing and army to attack sea mexicans on a boat was a really bad idea.

anyway they make peace or something and go about their day. back in wakanda its time to do the tribal bullshit to determine the next leader, big boi shows up to claim the kingship while shuri is back in haiti with bp's old love interest. turns out the reason she's been in haiti, the reason she didnt go to the funeral for bp is she and bp had a son, bp wanted the son to grow up in the real world to learn about life outside wakanda. So she couldn't come to bp's funeral because they were keeping this secret love child a secret. So yeah bp has an heir he's like 5 or something, maybe by phase 7 they will recast a male bp to take back over.

also it ends with mexicans plotting and shit

This was a fantastic write-up, any minimal desire I had to watch this dumpster fire is now gone.

Thank you sir, how do I subscribe to your movie write-up newsletter?
 
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Xerge

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Watched an hour of the cam floating around and turned it off and thats the first MCU film i've done this to. You really have to be invested into the BP side quest to enjoy this, which I guess I wasn't. Seems like the MCU just isn't a big deal atm and I could go without a lot of this filler side quest shit. I know this phase was suppose to be introductions but damn...
 

Harshaw

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Lol.. If all you see is race... then everything is racist.


I think it's funny that everyone is mocking the way they defeat Namor, but it's a straight from the comics way to defeat him. I even faintly remember one of the Marvel cartoons doing the same thing.
 

OneofOne

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Is the Namor = "no amor" thing legit in this abortion of a film? Please tell me it's not.
 

Runnen

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It's true yeah. His people call him Kukulkan since they worship him as a god, but for his enemies he uses the name that was given to him by a priest he slew as a super-powered orphan while freeing his people from conquistadors, "El nino sin amor", Namor for short.

To be fair, it's not like the original source of the name was interesting either, the creator just named him Roman but backwards. In the comics continuity, Namor means "Avenging Son" in Atlantean, so the Child Without Love thing is somewhat close to that meaning.
 
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Skylancer81

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I do not remember when exactly, but in the late 80''s while in high school I bought 20 or so Marvel comics. Avengers, X-Men, New Mutants, Fantastic Four, Spiderman, etc.
In one of them someone was fighting Namor, Doctor Doom maybe? Page after page he kept calling Namor, Roman, and it was pissing him off. For about two years I never got why he was calling him Roman. Then when I figured out it was just Namor backwards I did the biggest facepalm of my life.

Until I saw this.
 
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