Dating

Koushirou

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Sometimes if it feels right it is right?

I completely believe him when he says it feels right to him. I feel very strongly about him, but I'm not quite at that point. Whether that's just him, whether it's my trauma/indecisiveness/risk aversion/feeling it was already doomed from the start holding me back, I have no idea, which makes this so frustrating. I wish I knew for sure what the fuck I felt. It's maddening.
 
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Kirun

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He works 7 days a week, doesn't get home until 8-10 at night, depending on how many fuck faces show up just before closing, for the times he's come to visit me just for 1-2 days, it is a complete clusterfuck when he goes back in. I know I am going to come second to it in the end unless something changes.
As someone who is married to a workaholic, it can be genuinely challenging. It's not even that I place an unusually high value on constant "quality time,"(I actually prefer solitude, typically) but when someone is deeply consumed by their career, it tends to permeate everything. Work stops being just a part of their day and becomes the lens through which they think, talk, and interact. That constant mental presence of work(whether it's discussing projects, venting about coworkers, or planning the next task)can be exhausting for someone who isn't wired the same way.

I tend to compartmentalize pretty heavily in everything I do. When I'm done with work, I'm done. I want a clear separation between professional and personal life. So living with someone who doesn't draw that same boundary can feel draining over time. It's not that I never want to hear about work - occasional conversations about it are completely normal, and sometimes unavoidable. Work inevitably spills into personal life in small ways. But when it becomes a constant topic and there's no real "off-switch", it starts to wear on me. I find myself tuning out, not because I don't care about her, but because I need that mental space to disconnect and recharge. It's just a fundamental difference in how we each approach work and life balance, and navigating that gap takes a lot of patience and understanding from both sides.
 
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Koushirou

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As someone who is married to a workaholic, it can be genuinely challenging. It's not even that I place an unusually high value on constant "quality time,"(I actually prefer solitude, typically) but when someone is deeply consumed by their career, it tends to permeate everything. Work stops being just a part of their day and becomes the lens through which they think, talk, and interact. That constant mental presence of work(whether it's discussing projects, venting about coworkers, or planning the next task)can be exhausting for someone who isn't wired the same way.

I tend to compartmentalize pretty heavily in everything I do. When I'm done with work, I'm done. I want a clear separation between professional and personal life. So living with someone who doesn't draw that same boundary can feel draining over time. It's not that I never want to hear about work - occasional conversations about it are completely normal, and sometimes unavoidable. Work inevitably spills into personal life in small ways. But when it becomes a constant topic and there's no real "off-switch", it starts to wear on me. I find myself tuning out, not because I don't care about her, but because I need that mental space to disconnect and recharge. It's just a fundamental difference in how we each approach work and life balance, and navigating that gap takes a lot of patience and understanding from both sides.
To his credit, he avoids talking about it with me other than just vague, general statements. "Challenging day" "bit of chaos at work" "had to do a late fit" etc. Anything beyond that is usually because I prompted him about it. But he hasn't admitted that yes, he's workaholic and that is very unlikely to change. Though, meeting me has apparently at least moved the needle ever so slightly in the other direction.
 

Hoss

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There is still the problem of his family's business. He works 7 days a week, doesn't get home until 8-10 at night, depending on how many fuck faces show up just before closing, for the times he's come to visit me just for 1-2 days, it is a complete clusterfuck when he goes back in. I know I am going to come second to it in the end unless something changes. But, he's kind of like me, and he doesn't want to betray his dad by leaving it, even though he's stated before that his brother was the smart one and got out early and that the store has been the #1 impediment to him being able to have a romantic life at all. I could go up there, but the things we want to do together still will be difficult and rare. I worry he will work himself to death at that business and he will just keep saying that he's fine. Not exactly the same, but when I was with my ex-husband still, he'd just come home from work exhausted and just sleep and I just never got to do things with him. I don't want that situation again (though, yes, I know, there were far more problems with the ex than just that). Now, I fucking hate ultimatums (though funny enough, it's what got his brother to leave since his girl told him he either moves or she's gone), but he needs to figure out the shit with the business because I know he feels trapped in it and doesn't really want to be there. And that's something I can't really help with. Now say we take the 6 month break and by then his father will be recovered from his surgery and back to work, his busy season will be over and maybe he can have that conversation with his father.

Without doxxing him, what's he do? You said 'late fit' in the last post, so a tailor maybe?

At any rate, all of this is more reason to go stay with him for a week or a month. If it's really like this, then you will know it didn't work out. That's much better on the psyche than thinking it probably wouldn't have worked out. Didn't you say you're jobless right now? That makes it a good time to try something crazy like this. Maybe you can work at his shop. If you two did give it a go, you'd likely wind up working there anyway.

We don't know what this guy is really like, but we can all see how you're talking about him.
 

Koushirou

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Without doxxing him, what's he do? You said 'late fit' in the last post, so a tailor maybe?

At any rate, all of this is more reason to go stay with him for a week or a month. If it's really like this, then you will know it didn't work out. That's much better on the psyche than thinking it probably wouldn't have worked out. Didn't you say you're jobless right now? That makes it a good time to try something crazy like this. Maybe you can work at his shop. If you two did give it a go, you'd likely wind up working there anyway.

We don't know what this guy is really like, but we can all see how you're talking about him.

He runs a bicycle shop. Goddamn, I don't even like cyclists, lol. But I am thankfully back to work since last month and it's remote so yeah, I'm flexible in that regard. My mother even offered that she could house/cat sit for me if I decided to go up there for a week or so. Something like a month, I'd probably have to just take the cats with me. I'd probably have to invest in a decent laptop, as well, as if we want realistic conditions I need my nerd shit to play. I already start getting the shakes just visiting my parents for a few days. I like being home and I've really just started getting comfortable with setting up my house the way I want it and disassociating from the marriage.

As always, I really appreciate your guys' thoughts. You guys, my parents, my cousins (my only source of girl knowledge), and my brother all seem to think just going up there to try is worth it. Maybe can try that and reassess if I still feel like I need the break or not after. I am just fucking terrified of being one of those dumb bitches who finds a nice man and then leaves because she feels the need to go "find herself."
 

Koushirou

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Also, my cats fucking love him, especially Arya. Arya will hiss and hide if my ex comes over and in general just kind of hides from new people. She will steal my seat trying to get next to this guy, though, and looks like the happiest damn cat in the world snuggled with him.
 

unhappyendings

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Chris Rock explains it more humorously but it is true. Dating is just your representatives. You have to go beyond that to figure out if you can live together.

 
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Sheriff Cad

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He runs a bicycle shop. Goddamn, I don't even like cyclists, lol. But I am thankfully back to work since last month and it's remote so yeah, I'm flexible in that regard. My mother even offered that she could house/cat sit for me if I decided to go up there for a week or so. Something like a month, I'd probably have to just take the cats with me. I'd probably have to invest in a decent laptop, as well, as if we want realistic conditions I need my nerd shit to play. I already start getting the shakes just visiting my parents for a few days. I like being home and I've really just started getting comfortable with setting up my house the way I want it and disassociating from the marriage.

As always, I really appreciate your guys' thoughts. You guys, my parents, my cousins (my only source of girl knowledge), and my brother all seem to think just going up there to try is worth it. Maybe can try that and reassess if I still feel like I need the break or not after. I am just fucking terrified of being one of those dumb bitches who finds a nice man and then leaves because she feels the need to go "find herself."
Just take your computer, if you're going to be there a month the 30 minutes it takes to set it up is 100% worth it.

It's good to see someone in their home environment because lots of people can get along on vacation. When he comes to see you he's essentially on vacation. You want to see what he's like under stress, see how he relates to his parents, his friends. All of those things.

These little sayings I put in your head, like "Trust, but verify." "People make time for what they want to make time for." Repeat these to yourself, internalize it. Conduct your life accordingly. :)
 
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