Dating

Koushirou · Thursday at 1:57 PM

TomServo said:
Sometimes if it feels right it is right?

I completely believe him when he says it feels right to him. I feel very strongly about him, but I'm not quite at that point. Whether that's just him, whether it's my trauma/indecisiveness/risk aversion/feeling it was already doomed from the start holding me back, I have no idea, which makes this so frustrating. I wish I knew for sure what the fuck I felt. It's maddening.

Kirun · Thursday at 2:01 PM

Koushirou said:
He works 7 days a week, doesn't get home until 8-10 at night, depending on how many fuck faces show up just before closing, for the times he's come to visit me just for 1-2 days, it is a complete clusterfuck when he goes back in. I know I am going to come second to it in the end unless something changes.

As someone who is married to a workaholic, it can be genuinely challenging. It's not even that I place an unusually high value on constant "quality time,"(I actually prefer solitude, typically) but when someone is deeply consumed by their career, it tends to permeate everything. Work stops being just a part of their day and becomes the lens through which they think, talk, and interact. That constant mental presence of work(whether it's discussing projects, venting about coworkers, or planning the next task)can be exhausting for someone who isn't wired the same way.

I tend to compartmentalize pretty heavily in everything I do. When I'm done with work, I'm done. I want a clear separation between professional and personal life. So living with someone who doesn't draw that same boundary can feel draining over time. It's not that I never want to hear about work - occasional conversations about it are completely normal, and sometimes unavoidable. Work inevitably spills into personal life in small ways. But when it becomes a constant topic and there's no real "off-switch", it starts to wear on me. I find myself tuning out, not because I don't care about her, but because I need that mental space to disconnect and recharge. It's just a fundamental difference in how we each approach work and life balance, and navigating that gap takes a lot of patience and understanding from both sides.

Koushirou · Thursday at 2:12 PM

Kirun said:
As someone who is married to a workaholic, it can be genuinely challenging. It's not even that I place an unusually high value on constant "quality time,"(I actually prefer solitude, typically) but when someone is deeply consumed by their career, it tends to permeate everything. Work stops being just a part of their day and becomes the lens through which they think, talk, and interact. That constant mental presence of work(whether it's discussing projects, venting about coworkers, or planning the next task)can be exhausting for someone who isn't wired the same way.

I tend to compartmentalize pretty heavily in everything I do. When I'm done with work, I'm done. I want a clear separation between professional and personal life. So living with someone who doesn't draw that same boundary can feel draining over time. It's not that I never want to hear about work - occasional conversations about it are completely normal, and sometimes unavoidable. Work inevitably spills into personal life in small ways. But when it becomes a constant topic and there's no real "off-switch", it starts to wear on me. I find myself tuning out, not because I don't care about her, but because I need that mental space to disconnect and recharge. It's just a fundamental difference in how we each approach work and life balance, and navigating that gap takes a lot of patience and understanding from both sides.

To his credit, he avoids talking about it with me other than just vague, general statements. "Challenging day" "bit of chaos at work" "had to do a late fit" etc. Anything beyond that is usually because I prompted him about it. But he hasn't admitted that yes, he's workaholic and that is very unlikely to change. Though, meeting me has apparently at least moved the needle ever so slightly in the other direction.

Hoss · Thursday at 2:31 PM

Koushirou said:
There is still the problem of his family's business. He works 7 days a week, doesn't get home until 8-10 at night, depending on how many fuck faces show up just before closing, for the times he's come to visit me just for 1-2 days, it is a complete clusterfuck when he goes back in. I know I am going to come second to it in the end unless something changes. But, he's kind of like me, and he doesn't want to betray his dad by leaving it, even though he's stated before that his brother was the smart one and got out early and that the store has been the #1 impediment to him being able to have a romantic life at all. I could go up there, but the things we want to do together still will be difficult and rare. I worry he will work himself to death at that business and he will just keep saying that he's fine. Not exactly the same, but when I was with my ex-husband still, he'd just come home from work exhausted and just sleep and I just never got to do things with him. I don't want that situation again (though, yes, I know, there were far more problems with the ex than just that). Now, I fucking hate ultimatums (though funny enough, it's what got his brother to leave since his girl told him he either moves or she's gone), but he needs to figure out the shit with the business because I know he feels trapped in it and doesn't really want to be there. And that's something I can't really help with. Now say we take the 6 month break and by then his father will be recovered from his surgery and back to work, his busy season will be over and maybe he can have that conversation with his father.

Without doxxing him, what's he do? You said 'late fit' in the last post, so a tailor maybe?

At any rate, all of this is more reason to go stay with him for a week or a month. If it's really like this, then you will know it didn't work out. That's much better on the psyche than thinking it probably wouldn't have worked out. Didn't you say you're jobless right now? That makes it a good time to try something crazy like this. Maybe you can work at his shop. If you two did give it a go, you'd likely wind up working there anyway.

We don't know what this guy is really like, but we can all see how you're talking about him.

Koushirou · Thursday at 2:47 PM

Hoss said:
Without doxxing him, what's he do? You said 'late fit' in the last post, so a tailor maybe?

At any rate, all of this is more reason to go stay with him for a week or a month. If it's really like this, then you will know it didn't work out. That's much better on the psyche than thinking it probably wouldn't have worked out. Didn't you say you're jobless right now? That makes it a good time to try something crazy like this. Maybe you can work at his shop. If you two did give it a go, you'd likely wind up working there anyway.

We don't know what this guy is really like, but we can all see how you're talking about him.

He runs a bicycle shop. Goddamn, I don't even like cyclists, lol. But I am thankfully back to work since last month and it's remote so yeah, I'm flexible in that regard. My mother even offered that she could house/cat sit for me if I decided to go up there for a week or so. Something like a month, I'd probably have to just take the cats with me. I'd probably have to invest in a decent laptop, as well, as if we want realistic conditions I need my nerd shit to play. I already start getting the shakes just visiting my parents for a few days. I like being home and I've really just started getting comfortable with setting up my house the way I want it and disassociating from the marriage.

As always, I really appreciate your guys' thoughts. You guys, my parents, my cousins (my only source of girl knowledge), and my brother all seem to think just going up there to try is worth it. Maybe can try that and reassess if I still feel like I need the break or not after. I am just fucking terrified of being one of those dumb bitches who finds a nice man and then leaves because she feels the need to go "find herself."

Koushirou · Thursday at 2:57 PM

Also, my cats fucking love him, especially Arya. Arya will hiss and hide if my ex comes over and in general just kind of hides from new people. She will steal my seat trying to get next to this guy, though, and looks like the happiest damn cat in the world snuggled with him.

unhappyendings · Thursday at 3:05 PM

Chris Rock explains it more humorously but it is true. Dating is just your representatives. You have to go beyond that to figure out if you can live together.

Cad · Thursday at 3:14 PM

Koushirou said:
He runs a bicycle shop. Goddamn, I don't even like cyclists, lol. But I am thankfully back to work since last month and it's remote so yeah, I'm flexible in that regard. My mother even offered that she could house/cat sit for me if I decided to go up there for a week or so. Something like a month, I'd probably have to just take the cats with me. I'd probably have to invest in a decent laptop, as well, as if we want realistic conditions I need my nerd shit to play. I already start getting the shakes just visiting my parents for a few days. I like being home and I've really just started getting comfortable with setting up my house the way I want it and disassociating from the marriage.

As always, I really appreciate your guys' thoughts. You guys, my parents, my cousins (my only source of girl knowledge), and my brother all seem to think just going up there to try is worth it. Maybe can try that and reassess if I still feel like I need the break or not after. I am just fucking terrified of being one of those dumb bitches who finds a nice man and then leaves because she feels the need to go "find herself."

Just take your computer, if you're going to be there a month the 30 minutes it takes to set it up is 100% worth it.

It's good to see someone in their home environment because lots of people can get along on vacation. When he comes to see you he's essentially on vacation. You want to see what he's like under stress, see how he relates to his parents, his friends. All of those things.

These little sayings I put in your head, like "Trust, but verify." "People make time for what they want to make time for." Repeat these to yourself, internalize it. Conduct your life accordingly.

Phazael · Thursday at 4:56 PM

I agree with pretty much all of the advice being presented, but would add this: Don't let the perfect become the enemy of the ideal. All relationships involve sacrifice and personal investment by both people, if you want them to succeed. Keep an eye out for red flags and check him out in his personal life space, but don't look for reasons to give up at the drop of a hat. I do think that you are getting thoroughly shlonged might be altering your biases (this applies to guys as well), but thats not a bad thing and you seem to have a guy here who you share some common interests with who is not going to be a man-child like your ex. You also have some freedom to check out his situation and really evaluate the tough choices it would require for things to work. And to echo others, you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take. Ask yourself, what is the worst possible outcome if I go spend a month in his world and it does not work out? Then compare it to your current situation. I think you will have your answer.

Koushirou · Thursday at 5:09 PM

Phazael said:
I do think that you are getting thoroughly shlonged might be altering your biases

I’m sure it is, but anytime I do kind of sit and daydream about him, it’s not the sex I’m thinking about.

I was honestly kind of set on just taking the break but I find that if I’m in a calm state of mind, I lean more towards trying. If I’m stressed/panicking I just want to end it. It’s just very difficult making a decision with these kinds of swings. And again, I don’t want to yo-yo the poor man around because I can’t make up my mind.

Sludig · Thursday at 5:21 PM

Skimmed, too much too read. But last I knew while employed your not in the middle of a big career jump. Possibility of better job opportunities in his area? Your parents is a social obligation but you can't go to the point of sacrificing your own life for them. They are adults. Same situation with mine kinda, they are more than welcome to leave their communist state and my worthless brother to come out to freedom land with better old people weather to have me mind them.

Hoss · Thursday at 5:32 PM

Koushirou said:
Also, my cats fucking love him,

Red Flags Reaction GIF by Kamie Crawford

Ridas · Friday at 3:48 AM

Koushirou said:
I’m sure it is, but anytime I do kind of sit and daydream about him, it’s not the sex I’m thinking about.

I was honestly kind of set on just taking the break but I find that if I’m in a calm state of mind, I lean more towards trying. If I’m stressed/panicking I just want to end it. It’s just very difficult making a decision with these kinds of swings. And again, I don’t want to yo-yo the poor man around because I can’t make up my mind.

Just a general thought I want to add. I did not follow your story closely, but I got the general gist of it over the months.
After your divorce you hit a low point. You were pretty convinced, that you are worthless, everyone disliked you, that you will never find a romantic partner and had some very dark thoughts.

Fast forward to now and while the situation isn't ideal, your problems completely shifted. You are talking about how to handle a relationship, your career and more. Of course it is not perfect, problems just don't vanish, you still struggle.
But! Don't forget to think about all your accomplishments from the last months, how you dug yourself out of your hole with determination and will. Give yourself a hug sometimes, realise that people care about you and be proud of yourself. It is no small task to claw your way back into life like you did.
(Not sure why I felt compelled to write this, but I think it is important. Good job Kohshirou)

TheBeagle · Friday at 4:25 AM

Koushirou said:
FWIW, I know his family business, I know where his shop is, I've seen his pictures there in reviews and mentions of him, I've sent stuff there to him before, I don't want to dox him, but I've seen him on a news segment there before, I have the address to his apartment, etc.

Had an appointment with my therapist today (so much for moving to only once a month) to talk about it. Came out of it essentially still feeling like taking the break is the right move, even though I fucking don't want to. It's the stress and anxiety more than anything. I feel like if we keep trying these little measures here and there that just prolong things and don't really provide and truly clarifying answers, I'm just going to continue having these melt downs and that alone will probably ruin whatever we have. I really, really don't want a situation where I constantly go back and forth wanting to really try with him one week, then the next week I'm back to wanting to take a break, then the next week back to wanting to try again. That'd be so fucking cruel to him and not particularly good for myself, either. Was told to take the weekend to think about it, though part of me is screaming to just do it now and get it over with. I think I might have even mentioned that early on that I wondered if I should just end it before we got too attached. I think it's the only way, otherwise I will destroy myself with the stress. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I already feel myself trying to distance from him because it just fucking hurts and more than anything, I just want to stop hurting.

This is dumb, but I'm a very sentimental person. When he came down to stay with me the first time, he left me his hoodie so he could hold me and keep me warm while he was gone. What the hell do I do with it now... Sending it back seems harsh. I can't have it with me if we break, it'll just keep reminding me. I'm worried if I try to put it away somewhere, eventually I'm going to find it again and the grief will rip me open. Part of me wishes I'd been decisive during our last visit and we'd decided to break it there. One last hug and kiss at the train station knowing it's the last, I give him his hoodie back, and he goes home and it's just clean.

Opportunities like this don't come along very often in life. I know because I've been there and I did what I thought was the "smart" thing and have spent the last 12 years regretting it.

Koushirou · Friday at 10:46 AM

Pretty much everyone I’ve spoken to has said to just try it. Yet every time I start thinking about it, I feel like I’m going to be sick. I think what it comes down to is the question of do I love him or do I just love how he makes me feel? And I don’t know. I’m not sure if spending more time with him will answer that or just make me more confused. I worry that trying while I’m still loaded with doubt is just going to taint any chance we might have had. It also scares me that I may have just used him as another “just-in-time boyfriend” like so many other women have done to him.

unhappyendings · Friday at 11:17 AM

Probably the most impactful thing my mother ever said to me was, you can only have the relationship with someone that they will allow you to have. As I get older, I realize more and more that a lot of unhappiness and frustration in life stems from trying to have control and what she said intersects that. So many things are just out of your control and there is no changing that.

The best thing you can do for him if you care about him, and yourself, is to be honest. Be honest about what you feel is in the way, what you feel is not in the way, everything you can stand to share. If you can live with how honest you are, you should be able to live with him making his own decisions with that information. Any negativity that arises out of whatever you each decide to do should not fall entirely on one or the other if you are both as open and honest about what you feel. Maybe the worst case will be you end up being lifelong friends.

You should definitely try to tamp down the feelings of pressure to make a decision to relocate to be together quickly. If you are compatible and bring each other happiness, just take steps that you can both be comfortable with. You should not take a leap of faith simply because you are happy in the moment, nor should he. Do not put those expectations on yourselves.

Phazael · Friday at 11:55 AM

Koushirou said:
Pretty much everyone I’ve spoken to has said to just try it. Yet every time I start thinking about it, I feel like I’m going to be sick. I think what it comes down to is the question of do I love him or do I just love how he makes me feel? And I don’t know. I’m not sure if spending more time with him will answer that or just make me more confused. I worry that trying while I’m still loaded with doubt is just going to taint any chance we might have had. It also scares me that I may have just used him as another “just-in-time boyfriend” like so many other women have done to him.

He might not be the problem. You might be subconsciously punishing your self for the mistakes made that led to your prior relationship. Spending more time will answer some of it, as well as either confirm or alleviate doubts you might have. You learn a lot when you have to share a bathroom sink. And if I am reading what you said right, you have already talked about these concerns with him and both acknowledged that if this is not going to work out it is due to RL outside obligations and not matters of self worth or affection. It is a good sign about you as a person that you are worried about him long term, believe me. But you need to focus on yourself long term first, because thats the part of the equation that you can control. You cannot control his feelings or stuff going on with respective families, not really.

Here is a question, though. Have you discussed this with your folks at all? What is their take on it?

Koushirou · Friday at 12:07 PM

Phazael said:
Here is a question, though. Have you discussed this with your folks at all? What is their take on it?

Have talked with my parents, my brother, my cousins. Parents’ first thought was yeah, go try and stay with him for a bit. Brother’s first thought was why do I feel like I need to end it? Cousins all said to just try because why not?

There are times when we hang out online and I think I just feel like doing something else but I feel like I need to stay. Lots of times where I feel like I just need space. Lots of times when I just want to make decisions without having to consider someone else’s opinions or feelings along with it. There’s a big part of me that just wants freedom, I guess? And I don’t think I can get that if I’m committed to someone. Are those just normal feelings inside relationships, too? I honestly feel like I don’t even know what a real one is or even what actual love is. Feel like I’m an idiot teenager who just has no clue about anything. I don’t know how any of this actually works. It’s just a constant back and forth of wanting to be with him and wanting to run away.

Phazael said:
both acknowledged that if this is not going to work out it is due to RL outside obligations and not matters of self worth or affection

I worry that what if it is an issue of affection? Christ that would fucking break him if I figured out I just wasn’t that into him, and he was just convenient. I feel like I only want him around when I need him. Is that normal?

Cad · Friday at 12:17 PM

Koushirou said:
Have talked with my parents, my brother, my cousins. Parents’ first thought was yeah, go try and stay with him for a bit. Brother’s first thought was why do I feel like I need to end it? Cousins all said to just try because why not?

There are times when we hang out online and I think I just feel like doing something else but I feel like I need to stay. Lots of times where I feel like I just need space. Lots of times when I just want to make decisions without having to consider someone else’s opinions or feelings along with it. There’s a big part of me that just wants freedom, I guess? And I don’t think I can get that if I’m committed to someone. Are those just normal feelings inside relationships, too? I honestly feel like I don’t even know what a real one is or even what actual love is. Feel like I’m an idiot teenager who just has no clue about anything. I don’t know how any of this actually works. It’s just a constant back and forth of wanting to be with him and wanting to run away.

I worry that what if it is an issue of affection? Christ that would fucking break him if I figured out I just wasn’t that into him, and he was just convenient. I feel like I only want him around when I need him. Is that normal?

I don't think your doubt is real by the way you're speaking most of the time. It sounds to me like you're magnifying this doubt in a bid to protect your feelings. But you can't have strong feelings for someone without risk of losing it and getting hurt, it's inherent in that. There will never be a "safe" relationship. Don't let that fear ruin a good thing. There are plenty of ways it might not work out all on it's own, don't add more!

Koushirou · Friday at 12:35 PM

I’m not sure if I’m trying to protect my feelings or his. I feel like I have the weird opposite problem in this situation where I’m scared I’m going to stop loving the person instead of the other way around and I’m scared of the hurt that will give them. I had a similar episode to this early on in my relationship with my ex-husband, where I had a night I sat awake in bed inconsolable and in a shitload of pain, wondering “what if I don’t actually like him?” and the idea that I didn’t made me want to puke. That’s the same fear and gut feeling I’m having now, just also enhanced because those initial worries about my ex were correct.

Dating

Log Wizard

Buzzfeed Editor

Log Wizard

Make America's Team Great Again

Log Wizard

Log Wizard

Silver Knight of the Realm

Sheriff Cad

scientia potentia est

Confirmed Beta Shitlord, Fat Bastard

Log Wizard

Potato del Grande

Make America's Team Great Again

Pay to play forum

JunkiesNetwork Donor

Log Wizard

Silver Knight of the Realm

Confirmed Beta Shitlord, Fat Bastard

Log Wizard

Sheriff Cad

scientia potentia est

Log Wizard