Dating

Hoss

Hoss

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Big Phoenix said:
Absolutely soul crushing. Also not mine. Dudes starting posting their bumble stats on the bumble sub reddit and they're all around 1% or less of women swiping right on them.

And that's not even matching, that's just a woman swiping in you that you may have swiped no on.

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he's only swiping right on half the girls? I never played this particular game, but I'm pretty sure he's doing it wrong. The most surprising number there is that 10k+ women viewed his profile while he's only viewed 2800.

Maybe it's got something to do with girls having to make the first move on bumble. But I can't figure out how exactly.
 
Kirun

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Big Phoenix said:
Absolutely soul crushing. Also not mine. Dudes starting posting their bumble stats on the bumble sub reddit and they're all around 1% or less of women swiping right on them.

And that's not even matching, that's just a woman swiping in you that you may have swiped no on.

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Where's he getting that data? Or does Bumble show you now?
 
Big Phoenix

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Hoss said:
he's only swiping right on half the girls? I never played this particular game, but I'm pretty sure he's doing it wrong. The most surprising number there is that 10k+ women viewed his profile while he's only viewed 2800.
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You don't want to like/swipe on most women, doing that punishes you in their bullshit algorithms.
Kirun said:
Where's he getting that data? Or does Bumble show you now?
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Yeah you can request your data from them. Tinder too I think as well.
Animosity said:
They all are different. A lot of the apps let you see messages or who swiped on you. Some you have to pay for to get the added bonuses.
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For bumble in particular you still have to swipe to match. Hinge will show you people who have liked you but then you still need to swipe on those people as well.
 
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OU Ariakas

OU Ariakas

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Big Phoenix said:
You don't want to like/swipe on most women, doing that punishes you in their bullshit algorithms.
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I don't know how the algo's work, but after i swipe "no" on someone three fucking times and see them again, I just block them.
 
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Animosity

Animosity

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You can respond to messages and it will then auto match vs having to swipe to match. So its a different algorithm.
 
Control

Control

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Big Phoenix said:
Absolutely soul crushing. Also not mine. Dudes starting posting their bumble stats on the bumble sub reddit and they're all around 1% or less of women swiping right on them.

And that's not even matching, that's just a woman swiping in you that you may have swiped no on.

View attachment 629791
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Animosity said:
This data doesnt also show the bigger picture. Most women dont swipe. They just go through all the Yes's sent to them and then choose.
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It's all about perspective. If he had an auto swiper, he'd get to log into at least 70 women to choose from! Sure, the women would have 7000, but hey, gotta play the hand you're dealt.
 
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Koushirou

Koushirou

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We ended up breaking it off today. Though, I guess it was me that decided it, even though he knows that was eventually going to be the outcome anyway. We didn't even really get to try. We hadn't seen each other for three months. His work schedule just made it that much harder. Even during the non-busy season, he works 7 days a week, never takes days off until he works himself sick and is forced to. Right now, in the busy season, we talk in the morning on the phone when we wake up and then I don't hear from him until he gets home at 9-10pm, sometimes later. There's not really much point to me trying to move up there when I'd still barely get to spend time with him, and then still end up being alone on the weekends, except now I'm in an unfamiliar place that I hate.

I just can't handle the waiting. Maybe I'm just too needy, but every day he comes home and he knows that I'm there, but for me I spend the whole day just waiting. I'm so happy when I'm with him, but all I'm getting is whatever's left of him at the end of the day. I feel so guilty and so selfish, but I just can't handle knowing that we'd get just a few times a year where we could just spend a day and relax together, much less anything else. But cutting his hours just isn't feasible, closing the stores would be a long process and his father's health is failing and he can't just pack up and leave him. I understand, it's just fucking frustrating. I've really, really tried to just be happy with how things have been, but I can't and the waiting and the uncertainty has just been fueling my depression again and just driving me insane.

As usual, I don't know what the right thing to do is. He just wants me to be happy and he'll have me in whatever way he can and if that means just being friends again then he'll still be grateful for that. I don't know why I couldn't have just been happy with that, too.
 
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Izo

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This could turn it around for @Hook ! Joke aside, hope you find happiness again, Koushirou Koushirou - it's been really nice to see you get a piece of it again at least for a while. It's not easy making it work, and those work hours seem terribad. Don't let it keep you down, get up on the horse again (giggity).
 
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K

KDow

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Koushirou said:
I don't know why I couldn't have just been happy with that, too.
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Well the simple answer is that the heart wants what the heart wants.

I know we haven't chatted much on these forums, but I've followed what you've been working through in the other thread and I gotta say, good for you. For someone who has been facing self worth and big life question stuff, you made a really smart decision that put yourself first and prioritized your own happiness. Even in the midst of everything you have going on.

Not everyone is willing or able to do what's best, even when they know what needs to be done, and you did.

You care about this guy and he cares about you, but not getting what you need was never going to work, no matter how great the times when you're together are.

It sucks now, but take solice in recognizing how you're growing and trusting yourself, so when you do meet someone new (which you will) you can take comfort in knowing you can trust your instincts on what's best for you. Thats huge.
 
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Koushirou

Koushirou

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I feel like such an asshole. I was basically the only good part of his days. Now I feel like I’m just ripping his happiness away, even if he says he’ll be fine and that he’s just happy that I’m in his life at all. I wanted it to work so badly, but it just isn’t. It hurts so fucking much every time I see some glimmer of hope for a happy life and it’s always just out of reach. I’m so tired.
 
Control

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Koushirou said:
We ended up breaking it off today. Though, I guess it was me that decided it, even though he knows that was eventually going to be the outcome anyway. We didn't even really get to try. We hadn't seen each other for three months. His work schedule just made it that much harder. Even during the non-busy season, he works 7 days a week, never takes days off until he works himself sick and is forced to. Right now, in the busy season, we talk in the morning on the phone when we wake up and then I don't hear from him until he gets home at 9-10pm, sometimes later. There's not really much point to me trying to move up there when I'd still barely get to spend time with him, and then still end up being alone on the weekends, except now I'm in an unfamiliar place that I hate.

I just can't handle the waiting. Maybe I'm just too needy, but every day he comes home and he knows that I'm there, but for me I spend the whole day just waiting. I'm so happy when I'm with him, but all I'm getting is whatever's left of him at the end of the day. I feel so guilty and so selfish, but I just can't handle knowing that we'd get just a few times a year where we could just spend a day and relax together, much less anything else. But cutting his hours just isn't feasible, closing the stores would be a long process and his father's health is failing and he can't just pack up and leave him. I understand, it's just fucking frustrating. I've really, really tried to just be happy with how things have been, but I can't and the waiting and the uncertainty has just been fueling my depression again and just driving me insane.

As usual, I don't know what the right thing to do is. He just wants me to be happy and he'll have me in whatever way he can and if that means just being friends again then he'll still be grateful for that. I don't know why I couldn't have just been happy with that, too.
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Probably a terrible idea for a bunch of reasons, but how about this: go work in his shop with him, help him build his business. Then you'll see each other constantly, and if you don't hate each other after a week, it was meant to be!
 
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moonarchia

moonarchia

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Koushirou said:
It hurts so fucking much every time I see some glimmer of hope for a happy life and it’s always just out of reach. I’m so tired.
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A happy life that is dependent on someone else isn't stable to begin with. Take however long you need to find contentment within before you start looking for someone else. You need to truly heal and be whole for a healthy relationship in the first place, or else you will just hurt yourself and/or the other person.

From what you are describing this guy is not in a good place either. Whether it would be a long process or not, he needs to either close stores or sell them off. Working all day every day is toxic, and actively prevents him from being a partner in any relationship.

Just focus on healing. Being alone isn't a punishment. It's a type of freedom and responsibility most people struggle with, because it forces them to come face to face with themselves. Warts and all, as it were. It's OK to want what you want. That's human. When you understand why you want what you want, then you will have arrived at the point where you can change if you really want to.
 
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Hoss

Hoss

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Izo said:
This could turn it around for @Hook ! Joke aside, hope you find happiness again, Koushirou Koushirou - it's been really nice to see you get a piece of it again at least for a while. It's not easy making it work, and those work hours seem terribad. Don't let it keep you down, get up on the horse again (giggity).
Click to expand...
I can't believe you didn't ask for nudes of the ex.
 
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Izo

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Control said:
Probably a terrible idea for a bunch of reasons, but how about this: go work in his shop with him, help him build his business. Then you'll see each other constantly, and if you don't hate each other after a week, it was meant to be!
Click to expand...
Curb Your Enthusiasm Jewish GIF
 
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Cad

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People make time for what they want to make time for. If he wanted to see you more he would be. He’s choosing to work that schedule because he wants to.

If you haven’t seen him in 3 months, what were you even doing? Text/facetime relationship? Why?

Find someone who actually wants to spend time with you.
 
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Cutlery

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Koushirou said:
He's working it because he has to. Family business and all. He's basically stuck with it and can't really get out of it at this point.
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This is cope.

If he wanted to make it work, he would make it work. What he wants to do is change nothing and still have you slobbing his knob. What would be easiest for him? If he had to change absolutely nothing about his life and you came to him and made all the sacrifices and changes and he got to touch your butt.

What is he doing about that?

He's doing exactly what he wants to do. Which is string you along and hope you come along for the ride. I promise you there are people who will put effort into a relationship with you. You don't need your relationships to be one sided. You just got out of one of those, and it looks like you narrowly avoided another.

You did the right thing. It hurts, it sucks, and it would be fucking great if people loved you like you loved them, but that's not the way most relationships are. Most relationships are one person taking advantage of the other as long as the other will tolerate it.

You deserve more than that. Even if you don't believe you do, you do.
 
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TheAylix

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Cad and Cutlery are right on the money - don't believe what people say, believe in what they do. Almost nothing is so critical that it requires you to sideline someone you care about for weeks and months on end, particularly in a relatively new relationship. He's not curing cancer; he's keeping a family business afloat. If taking a little time off to see the person he loves would mean the end of the business, then the business was going to fail regardless.
 
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Phazael

Phazael

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You took your shot and now you know. It sucks now, but wondering what if would have been worse and at some point you will move on. Concur with others who said the "work" is an excuse to not commit. If a guy is truly serious about a woman they absolutely will make the time. The dude is not an astronaut or curing cancer, he is running a family business. This is something he can and would delegate, if he was making you a priority. If his life is so shit that keeping you strung along is his only good part then maybe he should change his priorities to reflect that. Right now he is at best being pushed into pressed into trashing his own life to "save the family business" and at worst is talking it up to keep you in his back pocket as long as he can. Either way, not worth you hanging around. Unless of course you wanted to try Cutlery's hail mary and go work WITH him, but that is not a great plan given your most recent marriage.

Same shit applies as before this guy popped into the picture. Put yourself in a position to meet people and be yourself. Eventually, someone your speed will take a shot and you will get something better out of life.... if you keep yourself open to it. It is way to easy to get the idea into your brain that you do not "deserve love" or some Lifetime Network Movie horse shit like that which ends up self sabotaging you. You are in a couple community things, which is good. Keep expanding your social net a bit and roll the dice on the occasional Mr Right Now to make sure the plumbing remains in good working order. Eventually things will work out.
 
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