Depression

Moglyzoke Moogleman said:

And my dreams last night were some mass extinction event tsunami. So if that's preferable to being awake...

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The subconscious needs to vent its utterly chaotic spleen sooner or later. Better to get it over and done with.

Moglyzoke Moogleman said:

I prefer life sucks and then you die.

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Indeed. That's why you do the needful and make the best out of the time you have. Eventually it ends.

Moglyzoke Moogleman said:

I'm not making even close to the best out of it and if I live into old age I'm sure I'll be furious at my younger self for always being upset during the best years of my life.

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If you know you're not making the best of it, then you know what you need to do to make the best of it. Choose to do that instead.

Moglyzoke Moogleman said:

I'm not trying to sound melodramatic but my heads pace has gotten fucked up enough that I honestly don't anymore and that makes it worse.

Also on some level I just dont fucking care anymore. I'm tired of fighting.

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If you don't know, then do the work to figure it out if it's bothering you. All roads lead back to you when it's in your head. Get help if you need it, but get working on it. Improvement is always incremental, and the effort is worthwhile in and of itself. Your only fight is with yourself. So make peace and win.

I have lots of my own bad shit in my brain, and I struggle with all of this all the time too. We all do at some level. That's just inherent to the human experience. Lots of shitlords here to offer encouragement and shame to help you out if you need it. Good luck.