Depression
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Izo
Tranny Chaser
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Do you buy it off the streets or presciption? Which racemic if the latter? Enantiomers matter greatly in ketamine. Dose?
I use it professionally for pain relief, low dose, and also induction for tubing. Never done it myself
Punko
Macho Ma'am
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I buy it from a website from a dutch company that is officially registered, you can pay through normal bank transfer.
They state that it is for research only, not for consumption, also its all designer drugs so they aren't illegal until legislation catches up. They deliver it in the form of crystals.
0.5 grams sniffing over a few hours puts me extremely close to the K-hole, but aware enough to stay in the house.
I binged on it for like 72 hours when Elden ring came out and had the best trip ever. I literally thought I was in the game. Incredible experience,, but never aiming to repeat it.
Drinking enough water while doing it prevents all kinds of hangover. When you finally go to bed it feels like heaven.
They state that it is for research only, not for consumption, also its all designer drugs so they aren't illegal until legislation catches up. They deliver it in the form of crystals.
0.5 grams sniffing over a few hours puts me extremely close to the K-hole, but aware enough to stay in the house.
I binged on it for like 72 hours when Elden ring came out and had the best trip ever. I literally thought I was in the game. Incredible experience,, but never aiming to repeat it.
Drinking enough water while doing it prevents all kinds of hangover. When you finally go to bed it feels like heaven.
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Control
Silver Baronet of the Realm
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ToeMissile
Pronouns: zie/zhem/zer
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Koushirou
Log Wizard
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Parents are up again this weekend. Had another long talk with them. Seems pretty much a given now that I’ll be moving in with them once the divorce is settled. I feel like a colossal failure. I often think to myself if it would have been better to just let things be; I should have just been happy that someone was willing to put up with me enough to stay with me, even if it was basically just for handouts. But no, I had to blow it all up because I got infatuated with some other dude that doesn’t even like me; I’m no different than every other delusional whore out there convinced that they deserved something better. No, I had exactly what I fucking deserved and now the future is an abyss of punishment for not staying in my lane. I have to go show up tomorrow to my aunt and uncle’s 50th anniversary party, a milestone that’s forever out of reach to me now, and once again be the only single loser in my entire extended family.
Everyday I struggle to convince myself to just keep going one more day and everyday it gets harder to succeed. I feel like I’m just delaying the inevitable and my brains are going to decorate the wall eventually. Everyone keeps talking about how this is all just an optimistic fresh start and the chance for new opportunities, but I just don’t see it. To me it’s just the dying gasp of a pointless and disappointing life. I just want the pain to stop.
Everyday I struggle to convince myself to just keep going one more day and everyday it gets harder to succeed. I feel like I’m just delaying the inevitable and my brains are going to decorate the wall eventually. Everyone keeps talking about how this is all just an optimistic fresh start and the chance for new opportunities, but I just don’t see it. To me it’s just the dying gasp of a pointless and disappointing life. I just want the pain to stop.
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Depression is just the tint on your glasses that keeps you from seeing the positive things. Keep going if you have things you still want in life. It might be a slog right now, but it will get better. Have you tried any meditation yet? If you never go fully into it to get to the YouOS hax level, even the beginning and intermediate levels offer some massively life changing benefits. Breathing meditation is amazing for physical relaxation. Excellent sleep aid. The next part, letting go of the self, is pretty much the same, except for the mind. All those negative thoughts you are chaining yourself down with? You can let them go and be free.
You are worthy of happiness. You are not a failure. Life is an accumulation of ups and downs and dings and scratches.
When I was 27 my life was pretty fucking shitty. I had to ask my parents if I could come home for a bit to rebuild. I get the whole guilt and self recrimination stuff about it. I also know that if you can keep moving. Find new dreams to pursue. You'll be back on your feet soon enough. Getting away from your ex and getting the divorce over and done with will help so much with that.
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Rajaah
Honorable Member
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Lambourne
Bronze Baronet of the Realm
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I bolded some parts there. A lot of different ways to say "i am a failure if I am not in a relationship". This is insecurity talking and you already know it's not helping you. I was reminded of something you posted a few months ago:
You don't think of that guy as a loser for not having a relationship. If the guy isn't secure by himself and clamps on to you because he can't bear the thought of being seen as a single loser, that's unattractive and you wouldn't respect him very much.
This isn't a gotcha or anything, it's just to show that you already know what a healthy perspective looks like. You just haven't started applying it to yourself yet.
I realize that you can't change this mindset overnight but you will get there in time. It's a perspective shift that will happen as you adjust to the new circumstances.
That fresh start optimism people talk about is a hindsight perspective so it won't feel like that to you right now. Realize that you were just stuck in a local maximum, things will suck for a while until they get better on the other side. Same reason people put off going to the dentist, they decide a mild toothache now isn't as bad as the perspective of sitting in the dentist chair. Only once it's over do they feel like they did the right thing, but you need to force yourself through the sucky part.
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Rajaah
Honorable Member
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I think I asked you about Ketamine a while back. Yeah, I'd love to do something twice a month that keeps depression away the rest of the time, that sounds tremendously useful. Unfortunately, finding something like this to order in the US is hard, and ordering powder to snort from the Netherlands seems like a terrible idea.
Maybe a doctor prescription for shots every couple weeks would work out. I don't know, one of these months I'll ask the doctor about it. The guy pretty much gives me whatever I ask for at this point since I'm so goddamn beat-up and mangled from 15 years of physicality. I'd like to find something that isn't an opioid or addictive, that gives that same "makes everything a little easier" motivational boost. If such a thing exists. And no, adderall won't work. I actively turn that down too because it keeps me awake for days on end and causes me to run at the mouth / type 4 page essays.
I've got my own depressions currently. My mom's health isn't good and she probably only has a few years left at best. And that might be optimistic. She really wanted a grandkid. I feel like I'm going to finally have one right after it's too late and that's going to eat me up for the rest of my days. Being 40 (though I look 30ish so that helps) puts me on a bit of a clock anyway, at least in terms of finding a desirable young woman who wants to sire me a spawn. Also I just spent two years actively avoiding women and social situations because I needed quiet after losing the girl I was with.
Not to sound like I want to use someone just to get my mom a grandkid. That seems like a terrible life plan. Would be great if it just happened from natural events, though it hasn't and I feel like it won't. It's at the point where just relaxing at home makes me feel like shit because "I should be out meeting women".
Here's a big ol essay about it, spoilered so folks who don't care can skip it:
Main two "mistakes" I've made that depress me are:
A) I got a vasectomy over a decade ago to avoid (the extremely likely chance of) accidents with the girlfriend I had spontaneous sex with like 3x a day, so my chances of having a kid by accident are nil (which is how most of my friends had their kids, a surprise that just kinda happened). Nope, I have to actually plan it out, and have someone who actively wants to go through the procedure of being inseminated artificially with my sperm from when I was 28. Who'd want to actually plan that out with somebody like me? I fuck everything up and haven't had my shit together in like 3 years. In some other universe I never did the vasectomy, we had a happy accident one of those times, and everything turned out differently. Maybe I had to settle down and be more responsible, maybe we broke up eventually and I see the kid for two weekends a month or something, but at least my mom has a grandkid.
B) I spent almost a decade with the same woman, which was a lot of spent time, and then we took a break, dated other people, and she went and died. Still not sure if the guy she was seeing was abusive, as there's evidence of that but nobody knows it for a fact, and we can't fuckin' ask her can we? Besides her death crushing me on a soul level, that ended my main prospect for grandkids. While we were together we took a number of breaks and I hooked up with a lot of other women, sometimes even when I was with her, she had a "I just want you to have as much fun as possible" attitude about all things sexual. It was always a pretty open relationship, though she also at times wanted to get married and have kids, two things I was afraid to do for a long time so we didn't. Mostly because I didn't want the fun train to end. Now I want nothing more than marriage/kids and it's too late.
I am literally "the woman who wanted to have lots of sex instead of starting a family and is now 40 and regrets it" meme. I've got like 7 or 8 "prospects" in my immediate vicinity, i.e. women I talk to who I have a good rapport with and are attractive and could ask out without it seeming weird or out of left field. None of them have ever mentioned boyfriends, which doesn't mean there isn't one. Talking about like, the Latina who works at my deli who I have a great chat with every time I see her, or the extremely fit 40 year old who walks around my neighborhood in tight booty shorts every day and complains to me about how boring her life is, and so forth. Several of them are women I used to know and haven't talked to in a while, couple of them I dated and left things on a good note, one had a crush on me for many years and I never reciprocated because she was a completely out of shape alcoholic... and now she is clean/sober and looks like Blake Lively. Asked around and got her new number. No idea if she'll even remember me, it's been like 7 years.
I guess I should start firing off feelers / asking women out, but I feel like I'll probably come off as desperate for the first time in my life (because I kinda am, as someone who feels like they're going to miss the last train, metaphorically). Hell maybe all eight will turn me down, who knows. What then? Go on Hinge, is that what people do? I haven't had to go out looking on the "dating scene" since like 2015, instead I usually had things coming my way by default. Got smiled at by a really attractive woman probably close to my age today, like a flirtatious smile, and didn't say anything, then spent the rest of the evening wondering why I didn't say anything. She was totally my type too. What would I even say? How do I do this again?
TLDR I'm pretty much fucked, made my bed, having trouble accepting it because "it's not too late" even though it very nearly is with my mom's health spiraling. Feel bad about all the time I've wasted, either gaming or chasing skirts with no goal of starting a family. Gaming has been a waste of time since I finished Elden Ring anyway, that was the final boss of gaming. The past 2 years (since I lost that woman) have basically just been a blur of nothing, I work and I go home, and I haven't even wanted anyone around. Almost feel bad even going after anyone right now, since I'm going to be looking at my watch and wondering how soon I can have a kid, if they'll even want to, and so forth. Part of me thinks nobody will want to have kids with me and I'll be running around for nothing.
A) I got a vasectomy over a decade ago to avoid (the extremely likely chance of) accidents with the girlfriend I had spontaneous sex with like 3x a day, so my chances of having a kid by accident are nil (which is how most of my friends had their kids, a surprise that just kinda happened). Nope, I have to actually plan it out, and have someone who actively wants to go through the procedure of being inseminated artificially with my sperm from when I was 28. Who'd want to actually plan that out with somebody like me? I fuck everything up and haven't had my shit together in like 3 years. In some other universe I never did the vasectomy, we had a happy accident one of those times, and everything turned out differently. Maybe I had to settle down and be more responsible, maybe we broke up eventually and I see the kid for two weekends a month or something, but at least my mom has a grandkid.
B) I spent almost a decade with the same woman, which was a lot of spent time, and then we took a break, dated other people, and she went and died. Still not sure if the guy she was seeing was abusive, as there's evidence of that but nobody knows it for a fact, and we can't fuckin' ask her can we? Besides her death crushing me on a soul level, that ended my main prospect for grandkids. While we were together we took a number of breaks and I hooked up with a lot of other women, sometimes even when I was with her, she had a "I just want you to have as much fun as possible" attitude about all things sexual. It was always a pretty open relationship, though she also at times wanted to get married and have kids, two things I was afraid to do for a long time so we didn't. Mostly because I didn't want the fun train to end. Now I want nothing more than marriage/kids and it's too late.
I am literally "the woman who wanted to have lots of sex instead of starting a family and is now 40 and regrets it" meme. I've got like 7 or 8 "prospects" in my immediate vicinity, i.e. women I talk to who I have a good rapport with and are attractive and could ask out without it seeming weird or out of left field. None of them have ever mentioned boyfriends, which doesn't mean there isn't one. Talking about like, the Latina who works at my deli who I have a great chat with every time I see her, or the extremely fit 40 year old who walks around my neighborhood in tight booty shorts every day and complains to me about how boring her life is, and so forth. Several of them are women I used to know and haven't talked to in a while, couple of them I dated and left things on a good note, one had a crush on me for many years and I never reciprocated because she was a completely out of shape alcoholic... and now she is clean/sober and looks like Blake Lively. Asked around and got her new number. No idea if she'll even remember me, it's been like 7 years.
I guess I should start firing off feelers / asking women out, but I feel like I'll probably come off as desperate for the first time in my life (because I kinda am, as someone who feels like they're going to miss the last train, metaphorically). Hell maybe all eight will turn me down, who knows. What then? Go on Hinge, is that what people do? I haven't had to go out looking on the "dating scene" since like 2015, instead I usually had things coming my way by default. Got smiled at by a really attractive woman probably close to my age today, like a flirtatious smile, and didn't say anything, then spent the rest of the evening wondering why I didn't say anything. She was totally my type too. What would I even say? How do I do this again?
TLDR I'm pretty much fucked, made my bed, having trouble accepting it because "it's not too late" even though it very nearly is with my mom's health spiraling. Feel bad about all the time I've wasted, either gaming or chasing skirts with no goal of starting a family. Gaming has been a waste of time since I finished Elden Ring anyway, that was the final boss of gaming. The past 2 years (since I lost that woman) have basically just been a blur of nothing, I work and I go home, and I haven't even wanted anyone around. Almost feel bad even going after anyone right now, since I'm going to be looking at my watch and wondering how soon I can have a kid, if they'll even want to, and so forth. Part of me thinks nobody will want to have kids with me and I'll be running around for nothing.
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Punko
Macho Ma'am
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I'm sorry to hear about your mother, but her expectations should not be a burden to you. That is not ok and if she really cares about you she will understand.
You only live once, and it is your life.
What you think about yourself and how you feel are the most important things in your life.
Having social relations that result in expectations you can't or don't want to meet is terrible. Evaluate the benefit you get from these relations, if you value them and still can't resolve the issue, cut the relation.
Imagine how much happier you'd be if this was resolved, or worst case, you'd stop caring.
You only live once, and it is your life.
What you think about yourself and how you feel are the most important things in your life.
Having social relations that result in expectations you can't or don't want to meet is terrible. Evaluate the benefit you get from these relations, if you value them and still can't resolve the issue, cut the relation.
Imagine how much happier you'd be if this was resolved, or worst case, you'd stop caring.
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Borzak
Silver Baron of the Realm
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I would definitely put some kind of happiness high on the scale of not being a failure. I know some pretty downright miserable people that are succesful but can't go 30 seconds into a conversation without talking about how much their life sucks but the business is doing good and they "own" a lot of stuff.
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Cad
scientia potentia est
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Moonarchia said it 100%. You have got to learn to look at the bright side - there's a bright side to almost anything.
Moving in with parents? Less expenses! Help taking care of chores! Parents probably cook or get food or do other things that will make your life easier. Are they also annoying to be around and will probably nag you and make you feel like a kid again? Yea, probably, but there's bright sides to everything.
Getting divorced? Yes it sucks, and yes it feels like failure. On the other hand, you get a fresh start, clean slate, you can re-invent yourself and find another guy that isn't a useless piece of shit.
You got infatuated with a guy who didn't end up going for you? Ya know, it has happened to all of us. Again - there's a bright side. You know what it is? You are still capable of love! You are still capable of infatuation and getting the tingles you probably got thinking about him. Thats fine, you'll get it again.
Being single itself also has a lot of advantages - do you know how many people I have to coordinate with if I want to do anything? Sometimes its fun, and sometimes it's a fucking beating. Sometimes you just want to do your own thing, and you're going to have that opportunity.
This is a fresh start, an opportunity to go again and see where life takes you. Picture it like you're taking a flight to a foreign country to start over, meet new people, live a new life. See where it goes.
The best adventure in life is just seeing what happens next. This might be a guy attitude or just my attitude but you said something here that you're being punished for not staying in your lane. I STRONGLY disagree. I think you're being punished for being too complacent, for staying in your lane too much.
You need to be grabbing the world by the fucking neck and TAKE what you want, it will not give it to you. The life you want is not handed to anybody on a silver platter. GO FUCKING GET IT.
Your life is in your hands to do with it what you please. Get angry, get motivated, get out there and LIVE IT.
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Koushirou
Log Wizard
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Obviously, still stuck in the rut, but my sleep has been getting worse and worse. I've always had trouble falling asleep and getting any decent rest, but these days it's almost impossible. I get into bed and it's just a non-stop hail of every bad thing that's happened to me and why it proves how worthless I am. My doctor ended up prescribing me trazodone to try and help with the insomnia, but I guess it's also used as a mild anti-depressant? I really didn't want to get on any anti-depressants again and especially don't want to be on anything I might get stuck on. At the same time, maybe it will help? I'm not making any progress, and am pretty much just waiting until the divorce hearing to see what happens next, but I'm just stuck until then with things being shit and not being able to really do anything about it. The lack of being able to sleep certainly can't be helping. Still nervous about taking it, but I'm really trying to hope that it'll at least help me get some rest, if anything, and supposedly help me from being stuck too deep in the pit mood-wise. Fucking embarrassing to admit, but I've been starting to just vent to Grok of all things so I'm not doing it as much to my friends. I've lost numerous friends to being too sad and down all the time and I don't want that to happen again, but I need to spew my dumb bullshit somewhere where it's not going to backfire. Also, I don't know why the fuck, but my YouTube algorithm suddenly popped up that stupid Say Yes to the Dress show that my mom would always talk about and fucking hell, I've gone down the rabbit hole watching the damn thing while thinking about when I went dress shopping with my mom, the letter my dad wrote for me for the day I did find a dress, and all the other associated memories and how that time has come and gone and was completely wasted and will never happen again. I'm a complete pathetic fucking mess, now. That one guy I really liked 15 years ago really wasn't wrong when he called me "just another stupid woman", I guess.
CaughtCross
Ahn'Qiraj Raider
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For the sleep part my wife and I use this from time to time and find it is one of the best non prescription sleep aids. GABA can work well for helping some people sleep and isnt some serious drug.
Dream Water Snoozeberry Sleep Gummies with Pectin - Sugar Free - 60ct
Chew 2 sleep gummies 30 minutes before bed. Dream Water Sleep Gummies can help get the rest you need to relax, go to sleep fast, and wake up refreshed. Dream Water Snoozeberry gummies are soft and delicious, and contain natural flavors and colors. This package contains: 60 Gummies.
usa.drinkdreamwater.com
You are making the right decision. Back in 2020 I went through a really bad break up when i pulled the plug since I knew the relationship was gonna be bad. It was a really low time for me. Just got married earlier this year and life is so much better. You are doing the right thing. It is hard now but it will get better.
moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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For sleep I would go with zzzquil melatonin gummies. Also just google breathing meditation and just start doing it a couple minutes a day.
1. Sit comfortably with a straight back and hands relaxed. The traditional way is sitting lotus style, but a comfy chair works just fine too.
2. Close your eyes.
3. Just focus on your breathing. Sounds too good to be true, but it's both easy and hard as fuck. Shutting everything else out takes practice, but you will be able to tell when it's working. Once everything else is shut out, you will be able to focus on everything within. Your heartbeat. Every muscle in your body shifting as you breathe in and out.
4. Visualize on every inhale that you are taking in warmth and relaxation. On every exhale you are putting out all tension and frustration and everything stressing you out.
If you do it regularly you will be more relaxed in general. For me, I get that sort of refreshed feeling you get after sleeping where you are either going to ger up and get moving, or go back to sleep for a couple more hours. It's not uncommon to doze off before you get better at it, which is why the straight back is important. Slumping into weird positions can lead to aches and pains.
Lambourne
Bronze Baronet of the Realm
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If all of this stuff comes out when you're trying to sleep, maybe give your mind some more time off during the day. You're going through some major changes and the brain is going to need time to sift through everything and reassess a lot. If you keep it busy watching screens during the day, it's going to make use of that free time when it finally comes at night.
Our conscious thoughts are really only a small portion of everything going on in the brain and that's scientific fact. Those conscious thoughts will reprogram the rest of the brain over time but the brain needs idle time to regurgitate some memories and refit them into what's going on.
Like ruminating about shopping for the wedding dress, your brain is trying to figure out the conflict between "I liked shopping for a wedding dress" and "I'm getting a divorce". It's going to need time to go over all of that and rework it into something it can live with. "I'm stupid and wasted my life" is a possible solution to this conflict but it's probably not the best fit solution and given time your brain will find a more accurate solution to this conflict. It's probably something like "I really liked this guy at the time and enjoyed shopping for a wedding dress but X years later Y and Z happened and my valuation of Q and R changed over time" but that's a far more complicated solution that will take time to develop. It's a mental pile of laundry that you need to do and putting it off isn't going to make it go away.
Take a daily walk, go sit on a bench in a park, simple yard work, anything without screens/earphones. Do a candle flame mediation if you want something that feels a bit more spiritual (where you just stare at a flame and the objective isn't to "clear the mind" or count breaths but just to sit still with little outside stimulation and let the mind wander.
I don't think soundboarding off Grok (or us) is necessarily a bad idea. Vocalizing thoughts can be a way to try some ideas on for size without commitment to them.