I mean, I'm doing the exercise, I spent the day out at the park my parents would take us to when we were kids (seemed to have made a tradition of going here after relationships finished, since that's what I did last time my one ex ghosted me after two years), I touch alcohol maybe once every few months, if that, I don't take any other kind of shit. Hell, I'm the most boring fucking person in the world when it comes to that crap. Parents got mad at me on the phone today since I still feel like shit. Still expecting me to just press the magic happy button, as usual. I don't know what else to do. If I feel like I'm completely worthless and just hate myself, I don't really think there's much I can do about it at this point. Parents can't help, therapy can't help, friends can't help, meds can't help, and most importantly I can't help myself because why would I spend effort on a waste of oxygen? Nothing's going to ever make me believe I'm worth a damn, so I'm pretty sure there's no outcome other than me someday putting myself in the ground. It's impossible; I'm literally just not capable of not hating myself. It's fucking over.
Story time, don't know if this will help or anything, it's not really intended to, only you can help you, and the beginning of that is to stop wallowing. All this wallowing isn't going to solve anything and it's going to keep you swimming in circles in your head.
What you said here is basically what my girlfriend who killed herself would say towards the end in all her social media posts. Things didn't work out with me, then they didn't work out with the next guy she dated. Then she was 35 and lamented online that nothing worked and she was worthless and nothing would ever work. I hadn't talked to her in a few months. Then she called me and I missed the call. Then I called her back and she didn't pick up. Then I texted that I was there if she ever needed anything at all. Not sure if she even saw it or not, because next thing I know, her mom is calling me that she got really drunk and shot herself.
So I gotta live with all that. Like I could have done more, or spoken up sooner, or whatever. I'm not even sure if she got my text, because sometimes my texts don't send. She might have texted me back and I didn't get it, because often texts don't reach me (this happens far more than vice versa - like the other day I had a doctor's office send me a form link from 3 different phone numbers before I finally received one of the texts). So for all I know there was some bullshit and she texted me back and I didn't receive it so she thought I was ignoring her.
Talking to her friends afterwards, it sounded like she was missing me a lot, but assumed I moved on since she started dating this other guy (during what was originally just going to be a break, given that I didn't have time for a relationship for a while because of work). So she went and did that, it wasn't good, he was a useless fucking loser, she got depressed, missed me, then felt guilty for missing me (thus mentally cheating on this new guy).
By all accounts she was going to make a move and see if I was still available, once she was completely out of the miserable situation she was in. Except that situation dragged on (basically, he wouldn't get out) and it went the way it went.
Considering I wanted her to find somebody else who was more available, and cheered on her being in a new relationship, and
intentionally stayed away so she'd commit to it,
thus not being there when shit began to hit the fan, I can't say I've met any women since then who did it for me the way she did. She was sexy and full of life, in this AJ Lee sort of way (or Robin Williams sort of way if you're female) where you know they're mentally off but it's part of what makes them so likeable so you roll with it.
Quite frankly, every woman I've gone out with since then has been pretty fucking boring in comparison. She actually made me laugh, which is difficult. I'd literally kill to go back and stop focusing on work and keep things going with her. I'd kill to have her wrapped around me again. Nobody else feels right. There's very much a "well, I peaked, it's all downhill now" feeling to everything the last couple years.
So basically, she should have just shot me too while she was at it. That's how bullshit it is to off yourself. What a waste.
That's all, that's the story. Here's a picture I keep on the wall in here, that I took.
Edit: This is the view from the upper floors of the Trump hotel in Atlantic City during a major storm.
