Depression

Koushirou said:

I mean, I'm doing the exercise, I spent the day out at the park my parents would take us to when we were kids (seemed to have made a tradition of going here after relationships finished, since that's what I did last time my one ex ghosted me after two years), I touch alcohol maybe once every few months, if that, I don't take any other kind of shit. Hell, I'm the most boring fucking person in the world when it comes to that crap. Parents got mad at me on the phone today since I still feel like shit. Still expecting me to just press the magic happy button, as usual. I don't know what else to do. If I feel like I'm completely worthless and just hate myself, I don't really think there's much I can do about it at this point. Parents can't help, therapy can't help, friends can't help, meds can't help, and most importantly I can't help myself because why would I spend effort on a waste of oxygen? Nothing's going to ever make me believe I'm worth a damn, so I'm pretty sure there's no outcome other than me someday putting myself in the ground. It's impossible; I'm literally just not capable of not hating myself. It's fucking over.

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Story time, don't know if this will help or anything, it's not really intended to, only you can help you, and the beginning of that is to stop wallowing. All this wallowing isn't going to solve anything and it's going to keep you swimming in circles in your head.

What you said here is basically what my girlfriend who killed herself would say towards the end in all her social media posts. Things didn't work out with me, then they didn't work out with the next guy she dated. Then she was 35 and lamented online that nothing worked and she was worthless and nothing would ever work. I hadn't talked to her in a few months. Then she called me and I missed the call. Then I called her back and she didn't pick up. Then I texted that I was there if she ever needed anything at all. Not sure if she even saw it or not, because next thing I know, her mom is calling me that she got really drunk and shot herself.

So I gotta live with all that. Like I could have done more, or spoken up sooner, or whatever. I'm not even sure if she got my text, because sometimes my texts don't send. She might have texted me back and I didn't get it, because often texts don't reach me (this happens far more than vice versa - like the other day I had a doctor's office send me a form link from 3 different phone numbers before I finally received one of the texts). So for all I know there was some bullshit and she texted me back and I didn't receive it so she thought I was ignoring her.

Talking to her friends afterwards, it sounded like she was missing me a lot, but assumed I moved on since she started dating this other guy (during what was originally just going to be a break, given that I didn't have time for a relationship for a while because of work). So she went and did that, it wasn't good, he was a useless fucking loser, she got depressed, missed me, then felt guilty for missing me (thus mentally cheating on this new guy).

By all accounts she was going to make a move and see if I was still available, once she was completely out of the miserable situation she was in. Except that situation dragged on (basically, he wouldn't get out) and it went the way it went.

Considering I wanted her to find somebody else who was more available, and cheered on her being in a new relationship, and intentionally stayed away so she'd commit to it, thus not being there when shit began to hit the fan, I can't say I've met any women since then who did it for me the way she did. She was sexy and full of life, in this AJ Lee sort of way (or Robin Williams sort of way if you're female) where you know they're mentally off but it's part of what makes them so likeable so you roll with it.

Quite frankly, every woman I've gone out with since then has been pretty fucking boring in comparison. She actually made me laugh, which is difficult. I'd literally kill to go back and stop focusing on work and keep things going with her. I'd kill to have her wrapped around me again. Nobody else feels right. There's very much a "well, I peaked, it's all downhill now" feeling to everything the last couple years.

So basically, she should have just shot me too while she was at it. That's how bullshit it is to off yourself. What a waste.

That's all, that's the story. Here's a picture I keep on the wall in here, that I took.


Edit: This is the view from the upper floors of the Trump hotel in Atlantic City during a major storm.

Koushirou said:

I mean, I'm doing the exercise, I spent the day out at the park my parents would take us to when we were kids (seemed to have made a tradition of going here after relationships finished, since that's what I did last time my one ex ghosted me after two years), I touch alcohol maybe once every few months, if that, I don't take any other kind of shit. Hell, I'm the most boring fucking person in the world when it comes to that crap. Parents got mad at me on the phone today since I still feel like shit. Still expecting me to just press the magic happy button, as usual. I don't know what else to do. If I feel like I'm completely worthless and just hate myself, I don't really think there's much I can do about it at this point. Parents can't help, therapy can't help, friends can't help, meds can't help, and most importantly I can't help myself because why would I spend effort on a waste of oxygen? Nothing's going to ever make me believe I'm worth a damn, so I'm pretty sure there's no outcome other than me someday putting myself in the ground. It's impossible; I'm literally just not capable of not hating myself. It's fucking over.

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Pretty unproductive, don't you think?

You're right about a few things. There isn't a magic happy button. No one can help. You're wrong about you not being able to fix it though. You are the only one with that ability.

What you need to do is stop focusing on this "happy" goal. That's endgame shit. You're still in the noob zone. I know you play EQ, and I know you understand this.

You've got some good stuff, but youve got a long grind ahead of you. If you just wallow around saying shit like "I'm never gonna get to endgame raiding," you never will. What do you need? Well, you need to be max level, for one thing, and right now you're not. You've gotta work on that. Your DPS ain't that great, so you gotta work on that. You need some AA's, so you've gotta get some of them too

How do you do all that?

Same way you would in any RPG. You put in the time and the effort. You know you need to. You know you don't just wake up one day and have nice gear. You know you don't just have 200 AA's. You have to work on it. You've gotta grind it out. Don't look at the end goal. Look at today. Is there something you can do today to get you 5% closer to where you wanna be? I'll bet you there is. So do that. Every day, be 5% better than you were yesterday. Work on something small every day. Make small improvements every day. In a year, you'll look back and go "holy shit, I've come a long way." You might still have a long way to go, but you can get there if you take small bites and work on small projects that make things better.

I manage a warehouse. Every day, my guys build between 500 and 600 pallets of product and we load 35-40 semi trucks. You know how we get that amount of shit done?

One pallet at a time. You know what doesn't get the work done? Sitting around and saying "I don't know how I'm ever gonna get this all done!"

Put your big girl panties on, grab a pallet and get going.

Seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow to possibly put me on anti-depressants. I don’t want to, but I don’t want to be admitted either, which was starting to become a possibility. I want to die, but I don’t want to want to die, if that makes any sense. Again, I don’t want to be on some bullshit, but it’s pretty clear I’m not capable of pulling myself out of this shit. Maybe it’ll help, IDK.

This is some woman shit you are experiencing, even though your intellectual mind is seeing it emotion is overriding your rational thought. Get the fuck off of EQ for a while and find a way to go socialize. I am not saying to go out there and ride some dicks, but you need to actually physically around people to build some connections with real humans and get the hell out of this isolated feedback loop you are in. If you do not, it will destroy you.

Also, realize this is going to take some time. The shit situation you were in that led to the divorce did not happen overnight and healing from it is not going to either. Realize this and form some bonds with real people and give your brain something to do, like reading or building a new skill up. There is no magical happy button, but what you can do is minimize the self pity by narrowing down things to a couple things that really matter to you and focus on those for a while. I know you feel like a failure moving back home as an adult, but this is also a chance to re-engage family more directly and get some touch grass time. Use it and don't do crazy shit while the wounds heal. But most of all, do not make validation from others a contingent factor in your happiness or even self worth. At the end of the day, if you can look in the mirror "did I do all I could to make my life and others around me a little better" and answer that with a yes, the self esteem issues will fix themselves.

Koushirou said:

Seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow to possibly put me on anti-depressants. I don’t want to, but I don’t want to be admitted either, which was starting to become a possibility. I want to die, but I don’t want to want to die, if that makes any sense. Again, I don’t want to be on some bullshit, but it’s pretty clear I’m not capable of pulling myself out of this shit. Maybe it’ll help, IDK.

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I tried that when I was going thru my divorce. I wish I fucking hadn't. Anti depressants made everything 1000 times worse. One made me extremely violent - literal seeing red type shit. One made me super fucking anxious, and all of them made my dick not work worth a shit.

I know things suck right now. I get it. Go look at my posts in this thread or in the marriage thread if you think I don't. But the answer is in front of you - and it's not the internet. Go outside. Walk. Join a club. Do something. Get the fuck outta the house and off the computer and get out into the real world. Do something that makes something better. Fuck, do some goddamned yard work. Clear out that space for that garden you wanted or whatever.

Everyone here is in your corner. You don't need to give up on yourself, you just need to put one foot in front of the other

I can’t really stress enough that there just isn’t shit here for me to go out and do that I’m remotely interested in, and I’m not going to go drive an hour+ one way regularly to go try to hang out with random, insufferable DMV people. I’ve talked with my parents some more about moving in with them and they wanted me to try and adjust here for a couple months since they’re worried about me having too many big changes all at once. Honestly I think it’d be better if I did, instead of this slow string of bullshit. But there’s not exactly going to be much there for me either, living on a damn golf course with a bunch of old people and having to go to Knoxville and potentially get jogged on to find people close to my age or interests.

Gotta side with Cutlery on this one, but thats really a decision you need to make personally. I had a bad run for a while when I was younger and they put me on some mild levelers and it basically turned me into a zombie person. At that point, if I am not the same person and unaware of things there is no point. Plus it sets you up for dependence on a treatment for the symptom without addressing the underlying source of the problem. Even before I learned how evil the pull pushing industry was, I was not a fan of drugging ones self out to deal with depression or behavior (knew too many kids on fucking Zoloft and shit) because it does not solve things long term. That having been said, if you are genuinely suicidal and you have exhausted all other options, a short term checmical crutch is better than being dead.

Your problems are all almost exclusively in your own mind and can only be solved by your own will. Being zombied out on pharma shit robs you of your agency to solve those issues. And the end goal here is to take control over the things you can affect to get your mojo back.

Koushirou said:

I can’t really stress enough that there just isn’t shit here for me to go out and do that I’m remotely interested in, and I’m not going to go drive an hour+ one way regularly to go try to hang out with random, insufferable DMV people. I’ve talked with my parents some more about moving in with them and they wanted me to try and adjust here for a couple months since they’re worried about me having too many big changes all at once. Honestly I think it’d be better if I did, instead of this slow string of bullshit. But there’s not exactly going to be much there for me either, living on a damn golf course with a bunch of old people and having to go to Knoxville and potentially get jogged on to find people close to my age or interests.

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The rip the band aid approach is something to consider. But the point is to get some human interaction under your belt before you try to rebuild your life. Your self esteem issues are being compounded by your isolation right now. I speak from experience on this. Simply being out among people is going to help you out with this self image issue immensely. Your fairly smart and also pretty lonely at the moment. Nothing good comes of hiding in a room with nothing but your own thoughts to fuck with you when you are down. This is how smart people prone to depressing or negative thoughts destroy themselves, in isolation. You are 35 with no kids, exercising, into nerd shit, and down with the BJs which makes you a unicorn these days. You will recover, as long as you don't get in your own way.

Trust me, I absolutely don’t want the pharma shit and I feel like a failure for even considering it, but yes, there is a significant part of me that wants to be finished. I’m already a damn zombie, dragging myself out of bed and around the house and barely even surviving at this point. I have 0 motivation to do basically anything anymore, I’m struggling to even get myself to feed my cats since that requires effort.

I know everyone is recommending being with people, but people fucking suck a big fat fucking dick. Why I’m so fucked up is because of fucking people, whether it was the cunts who tried to kill me, or the “friends” who only came over to steal from me or bang my brother, or the kids who pelted me with rocks every day in high school, or the roommates in college who would joke about raping me, or the random people I’ve never met in my life at the fucking grocery store who laughed at me for being so ugly. Interacting with people in person has almost never resulted in something positive for me and has damn near always been an extremely negative experience, so I would hope it’s understandable that I have a hard time believing it’s going to help me vs. just making me feel even worse.

Chanur Is right. Drugs dont solve the root cause, they mask it. You probably dont want to hear it, but right now you are the root cause. Not the ex, not your high school years, college years, just you. All those issues are in the past. Today, you sit and wallow in your despair. People here have given you solid advice. You refuse to take it. You make excuses.

You aren't the only one dealt some shitty hands in the game of life. You just gotta play the cards you are dealt. Fuck, Foler outted himself as a homo on this very board. Did he run and bury himself? Nope. He just trucks right on through it. Pretty ace of him, tbh. I cant even count how many people here have been divorced. We all know how it feels. Pretty shitty.

The reality is no one and nothing is going to improve your state of life but you. Pick yourself up by your bootstrap is an iconic Americam saying for a reason. It's just what we do. You need to pick yourself up. Honestly thats it. Is it gonna be hard? Yup. Is it gonna take time? Yup. Too bad. Just do it.

In the infantry, you learn how to just put your head down and drive on. One step after the other. Again and again and again. Nobody carries you. It's just will.

Find your will. Get out of your house. I dont care if you dont want to get out of bed. I dont care if you dont want to leave the house. Just fucking do it. Dont be around people as you probably won't enjoy it right now. Find some nature and enjoy the solitude and peace in the majesty of God. He loves you. So what if its an hour drive each way. What the fuck else do you have to do?

You can do conquer this. You just gotta want it. You just gotta do it. One foot in front of the other.

Koushirou said:

I can’t really stress enough that there just isn’t shit here for me to go out and do that I’m remotely interested in, and I’m not going to go drive an hour+ one way regularly to go try to hang out with random, insufferable DMV people.

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You're unemployed and divorced.

The fuck else you got going on?

I know this is gonna come off harshly and you will probably read it as such, but really, you gotta stop making excuses.

Maybe you're right. Maybe the people you've met and interacted with in the past all suck. That's probably because you have your people radar calibrated all wrong, and you think it's all you're worth. It's not. You don't need to tolerate shitty people. You don't need to interact with shitty people just because they're the only people you know. You're worth more than that, and you can fix that problem by just having higher standards. Don't interact with shitbags. Find new people. And if they turn out to be shitbags, then figure out what it is that is making you want to interact with shitbags and stop that.

Your family is giving you subtle hints and you're ignoring them. Your brother probably doesn't talk to you because if you're anything like this, he just doesn't wanna deal with the negativity. Your parents are giving you the out, but they don't really want you to take it, they want you to figure it out yourself. Both of them are right - this is a problem that only you fix. It's fucking hard alone, no doubt, but you are in the best space in your life to tackle this. You literally have no responsibilities to anyone. So you've got plenty of time to sit down, do some introspection, find some resources on the biggest pile of knowledge humanity has ever created, and start working on changing your mindset. Do some fucking yoga. Learn to slow down and breathe. Find some ways to not breed the negativity that has convinced you that you're worthless. You need to take control of your life. You need to spend some time asking yourself how you got here, and how you're going to move forward. You have an abudance of resources available to you. You think you're the only one that's ever felt like this? That's ever had a giant shit sandwhich to chomp thru? Hell, we're just one retarded corner of the internet and damned near every one of us has a story like this.

7 years ago I wanted to throw myself off a fucking bridge. I'd never thought about ending my life before that, but for one brief moment, I was finally fucking done with it and just wanted it to be over. I dragged myself off the cliff and clawed back to being ten times better than I was. I just sat down with the wife at dinner and told her that she's the only person in my life that adds no stress to it.

You're gonna find somebody. But before you do that, you gotta find yourself. If you don't do that, no one worth a shit is gonna put up with you with your attitude like this. You are the only one who can fix it. You know you're the only one who can fix it.

Stop making excuses. One more hill. One foot in front of the other. One more pallet. One more spawn rotation at the camp. Whatever it is, you've just gotta grind it out.