Depression
- Thread starter Tarrant
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Koushirou
Log Wizard
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Sadly, the LGS near here just isn't good. Small place, not much variety and honestly the people sucked. Used to play Magic there once or twice a week, but finding decent people to play with was basically impossible. Either no one wanted to play with us or the people we got stuck with were low-functioning autists, pubstompers or trannies or some combination thereof. So yeah, haven't been back there in a while. I don't really do much painting, anyway, just the occasional mini here and there if I feel inspired. I mostly do model kit building and try to do some detail painting on top of that.
I'm already balls deep back into EQ TLPs, and MMOs are what I enjoy the most with my time. Playing with some of the board folks already doing that. Pretty much takes up most of my free time, already, but I'm having a lot of fun.
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Koushirou
Log Wizard
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I wish I got to spend more time with my parents, but that's a whole nother problem in general. Compared to my brother, I've always felt like an afterthought to them, even though they're more than happy to throw financial support at me if I need it (I refuse to ever ask for it). They'll never drive up to visit me, just to go visit my brother. Luckily I'm directly on the way, so I can at least sometimes get a nice 15min Dunkin Donuts run with them or sometimes a dinner on their way before they go stay with my brother and his family. Even now, knowing how much trouble I'm having going through the divorce and feeling like shit, etc. most I got was still just a quick dinner at McDonalds to talk to them and spend time with them. Vacations have always bugged the shit out of me, too. They know I don't make nearly as much money as my brother and am pretty much just stable and slightly comfortable, but that's it. And yet all they plan is expensive shit like cruises or Disney trips, etc. and then sure enough when they'd invite me, I'd have to decline because I can't afford that shit. Eventually, they just stopped inviting me altogether. Not sure why they couldn't ever suggest something small to do as a family that we could have been included in. Pretty much the only time I get to spend with them now is Thanksgiving and a little at New Years.Yes and no. If you have no life anyways, a good old fashioned MMORPG addiction can absolutely be a good thing. If you are super into it and forget a few thousand calories a day it can even double as a diet.
Koushirou you may want to look into finding hobby/religion/activity clubs in your area if the existential loneliness thing ends up getting to be too stronk. If you have a good relationship with your parents or anyone else in your family it may even be worth moving back in that direction. My parents just moved back to this area, and getting to spend time with my dad again has been pretty damn nice. He is 76, so I am trying my best to do stuff with him while I can.
If I do end up having to sell my house because of the divorce/refinancing/etc. figure I would probably move closer to them, because I don't know where else to go and it's not like I go see my brother at all anyway despite being close. Would they actually spend more time with me if I did? Dunno, maybe. Something to think about, I guess. Heh, would put me closer to someone else I enjoy spending time with, though...
moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Have you actually had those conversations with them? The feeling of unequal treatment and being left out of vacations because of $$$? I would imagine if you just told them earnestly that you want to spend more time with them they would be willing to change things up. Ask them to stay overnight and do something with you when they go see your brother?
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Koushirou
Log Wizard
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Me having that conversation is what stopped them from inviting me. They also won't stay overnight with me when they have a whole bedroom of their own at my brother's place and won't sleep in anything smaller than a king bed (which husband and I didn't even have for us, much less guests). I guess I could try talking to them about it, again. You know, when they get back from Hawaii with my brother's family.
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Just double checking. You would be surprised how many families don't talk that kind of thing out and just let things fester forever. If you still feel left out, ask them why they can't book a hotel in your town with a king bed for a day or three (offer to cover it or help?) and spend some time together? Could you tag along with them next time they go see your brother for a few days? Now that your husband isn't in the picture you have more flexibility to just up and do things again.
Make friends if you can. Hobby groups? Book clubs? There are always people out there. If people aren't your thing volunteer (more?) at your local animal shelters?
Depression likes to take root in the ruts our lives tend to lead us into. You made one big change, so why not take another?
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Borzak
Silver Baron of the Realm
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I'll probably get shit on. Try a church, maybe one that is more conservative than some "new age' churches but that's just me. I'm not one to talk to most people and my job never required it. Maybe take in a ball game. Like a baseball game. I met more people who are just talking about anything and everything in a pretty relaxexd atmosphere at college baseball games. Also the tail gating and food was great and a good place to meet people at them. Will vary wildly by location.
Koushirou
Log Wizard
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- 13,559
Brother only lives like an hour away, so not really a reasonable ask. Even if I did get them to stop by the house, they'd just be driving over to his once they were done since it's close enough. Will have to see if there's any other groups or clubs or whatever around here. I don't really think there's much, unfortunately. That LGS was kind of all there is and don't really have a desire to go back. Church definitely isn't happening. Have exactly 0 room for faith type shit and going there for anything else just seems disingenuous and fake, which I'm not about.
moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Dang, if your brother is that close why not do more stuff with him? When I was a kid both sets of grandparents (RIP) lived in Denver along with a lot of our aunts and uncles. We lived 3 hours away, but we were up there every other month or so seeing everyone.
Koushirou
Log Wizard
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He's pretty much consistently busy, whether it's stuff with his kids, work trips or vacations. Every now and then he'll agree to do something together, but it always falls through. He did say he wanted to come and hang out at the casino where my concert this weekend is beforehand, but yeah, we'll see if that happens. I doubt it. Would be the first time I've seen him since New Year's. He couldn't even spare time to meet for a lunch when I told him I was getting divorced.
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Chanur
Shit Posting Professional
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I feel you. My brother had all the kids. My parents went to see them often. They never once visited me once I moved out. I just had to roll with it.
moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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The solution to that is to do stuff with him and his kids. Be a fun aunt and hang out for the weekend once in a while. Play games with them for a few hours. Adult bonding time when they go to sleep. If you want to be close to a parent, you have to be close to the kids too. They are a package deal. You are in a (wo)man and the mountain situation. The mountain isn't going to come to you, so you will need to go to it.
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I’m probably going to disagree with moon here. I’ll say this. You can give him the benefit of the doubt and give it a shot. However, the guy couldn’t even find time to get lunch with his sister who’s going through a divorce? That super lame. K you would know better than the rest of us but if he legitimately shows zero effort into maintaining a relationship with you then why invest your time there? If he’s legitimately busy then give it a shot.. Invest your time elsewhere. Find a church, I liked that idea from Borzak.
idk if there’s an easy answer to find community and I wish I had one for you. It’s gotten insanely harder with social media, people being on their phone 24/7, etc. Anyways, I’m rooting for you. One thing I can say for sure is be resilient and don’t give up..
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Cutlery
Kill All the White People
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Post divorce, life is gonna be like that. There's gonna be things you really enjoyed doing and you'll never do them again. The big thing to remember is that you're gonna have new things that you'll really enjoy and you never got to do them before.
Things are gonna be okay. They're not gonna be okay every day, or even most days for awhile. But they're gonna be okay, and the further you get away from it, the more you're gonna feel like you made the correct decision
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Chanur
Shit Posting Professional
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Wish you lived closer. I'd send the wife to you to hang out.
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Gavinmad
Mr. Poopybutthole
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Zaara
I'm With HER ♀
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Pops died of lung and brain cancer a few days before Thanksgiving this year, 67.
I was part of his hospice care, it was 5 months on the dot for his 4-6month prognosis. Fucked to say but we were blessed; it only got truly bad at the very end, and it went fast. Still, seeing him like that definitely changed me permanently.
I feel so incredibly bad for my mom. She did everything with him. She has her family and her social network, lots of support, but when the strong facade falls she talks about how she doesn't know what to do with herself any more.
I know there's that panic that happens in the wake of a husbands' death, but now she is desperate to get out of the apartment they shared. She came into money after the death of one of her siblings and can afford to walk into any house she desires. Problem is, soon as he died she rounded on me and proposed we live together/she buy a duplex. What a blessing to get a free house, is the idea. Problem is, we would have zero say in what she selects, and then...I'm back to living with my mom, especially if it turns out the way I expect where all duplexes are so astronomically overpriced that we end up having to move into together.
I love my mom, and seeing her feel so alone is breaking my fucking heart, but I feel a lot of anger and resentment towards my dad. He knew what he was doing; when I was a kid he would go on melancholic drunk tirades about he was going to die before her and that it was going to be my responsibility to take care of her. Now that we've arrived at that point I realize all those moments where she went 'when he's gone I'll live 6 months with you and 6 months with your sister' was for real, at least in her head. My sister has offered to put an addition on her house, but nope. She wants it to be me and her.
I feel awful. I feel like a piece of shit for resenting the fact that I can't take care of her from a remove, that for her it requires me being around every day to stave off her loneliness. It's not that she's a hard person to live with, I just have an insane aversion to the feeling of being manipulated by money or objects to do what my family 'expects' of me. My uncles and others have been picking at me here and there when I see them to figure out why I'm not going in on this cohabitation idea, but the truth is a selfish and shitty one. My dad dies early, and potentially for the next 20+ years I'm stuck where I'm living and can't move on because of it. I never wanted to stay here, and she refuses to go anywhere else, literally- she wouldn't even move out of the city we're currently in. We had plans and ambitions and now because he died I'm looking down the barrel of my father's choices dictating how the rest of my life goes for a decade or two.
Don't know what to do, but I know the 'honorable' thing of "taking care" of my mom is probably what I will be forced into. She's holding the keys to my ability to retire. Tattoo is a great career but if I'm being completely honest I missed the boat on being able to accumulate meaningful wealth on my own, and I have my own shelf-life before I won't be able to do it anymore/age out. Every single one of them- her and her siblings- have no intention of being in a nursing home. She won't be the only person requiring care. I feel really sad about it. Feel free to tell me how much of an asshole I am.
I was part of his hospice care, it was 5 months on the dot for his 4-6month prognosis. Fucked to say but we were blessed; it only got truly bad at the very end, and it went fast. Still, seeing him like that definitely changed me permanently.
I feel so incredibly bad for my mom. She did everything with him. She has her family and her social network, lots of support, but when the strong facade falls she talks about how she doesn't know what to do with herself any more.
I know there's that panic that happens in the wake of a husbands' death, but now she is desperate to get out of the apartment they shared. She came into money after the death of one of her siblings and can afford to walk into any house she desires. Problem is, soon as he died she rounded on me and proposed we live together/she buy a duplex. What a blessing to get a free house, is the idea. Problem is, we would have zero say in what she selects, and then...I'm back to living with my mom, especially if it turns out the way I expect where all duplexes are so astronomically overpriced that we end up having to move into together.
I love my mom, and seeing her feel so alone is breaking my fucking heart, but I feel a lot of anger and resentment towards my dad. He knew what he was doing; when I was a kid he would go on melancholic drunk tirades about he was going to die before her and that it was going to be my responsibility to take care of her. Now that we've arrived at that point I realize all those moments where she went 'when he's gone I'll live 6 months with you and 6 months with your sister' was for real, at least in her head. My sister has offered to put an addition on her house, but nope. She wants it to be me and her.
I feel awful. I feel like a piece of shit for resenting the fact that I can't take care of her from a remove, that for her it requires me being around every day to stave off her loneliness. It's not that she's a hard person to live with, I just have an insane aversion to the feeling of being manipulated by money or objects to do what my family 'expects' of me. My uncles and others have been picking at me here and there when I see them to figure out why I'm not going in on this cohabitation idea, but the truth is a selfish and shitty one. My dad dies early, and potentially for the next 20+ years I'm stuck where I'm living and can't move on because of it. I never wanted to stay here, and she refuses to go anywhere else, literally- she wouldn't even move out of the city we're currently in. We had plans and ambitions and now because he died I'm looking down the barrel of my father's choices dictating how the rest of my life goes for a decade or two.
Don't know what to do, but I know the 'honorable' thing of "taking care" of my mom is probably what I will be forced into. She's holding the keys to my ability to retire. Tattoo is a great career but if I'm being completely honest I missed the boat on being able to accumulate meaningful wealth on my own, and I have my own shelf-life before I won't be able to do it anymore/age out. Every single one of them- her and her siblings- have no intention of being in a nursing home. She won't be the only person requiring care. I feel really sad about it. Feel free to tell me how much of an asshole I am.
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