Still just getting by day to day, but still feeling pretty dumpy. Went to the Highland Festival with my parents for a bit, which was nice, but I do kind of feel like a bit of a loser being a lone grown ass adult hanging out with my parents. Had tried to get info on that support group and the organizer said they'd get back to me with a location and time, but they never did. Guess I'll try again with that next month or just try to go to one of the online ones my therapist found for me.
One of my friends blocked me the other day. Was feeling pretty fucking awful so I reached out to him for help. When he finally got back to me, I told him I just needed to talk or vent or hang out or anything really. I felt like I basically put 99% of the effort into initiating with all my friends and it just makes me feel like crap most of the time when most everyone just ignores me when I reach out and ask how peoples' day was or how they're doing etc. It seems like I'm just bothering everyone, etc. Despite me responding to him immediately, after 45min or so he still hadn't said anything and I just got angry and said I was going to bed since apparently I was bothering him, too. Well, he responded quick as hell to that, at least. Told me I was abusive and to fuck off since I apparently don't care about him. This is someone I would speak to pretty much every other day at least. At some point he dropped off the face of the earth for a couple of months, and the entire time I would still message him asking how he was doing, hoping things were okay, and eventually just getting worried that he'd dropped dead since I knew he had health issues. He eventually showed up again after having some kind of "fugue" or something, but he never seemed the same. He'd generally not respond to me for days or weeks, and if he did it was just with a gif or song, etc. The rare times I could get a conversation out of him, he'd disappear in the middle of it. But anyway, point it accusing me of not caring about him was fucking bullshit. Had never seen him angry like that before. I did try to apologize, since I know I wasn't exactly doing my best, but he didn't want to hear it and just blocked me. My fault, I guess. It's kind of been a repeating pattern I've had of finding new friends, maybe lasting around a year or two and then I piss them off in some way and they cut me off. I then go have to find new ones again, rinse and repeat. The common denominator is me, so obviously it's a problem with me. It's just discouraging as shit having it happen over and over again and just contributes to the self-hate.
House appraiser came the other day, so just waiting on the verdict there. No matter how much I end up having to pay the ex, I have no idea how I'm going to afford it. No luck with a job, yet. I talked to my closest coworker who got laid off same time I did. He's been submitting something like 15-20 applications a week and hasn't had a single call back yet, and his resume's a shitload better than mine is. Makes me feel like not even trying anymore since if he can't get anything, I'll probably be fucked. I've got a little bit of unemployment left, but past that I have no idea what I'm going to do. About to be out of my blood thinners again, too, and can't afford them without the Medicaid ($600/mo for this shit). Already got the free trial 30 day shit they offer, so can't do that again.
Haven't really had any positives lately to balance out all the negative. My walking pad gave out, so I haven't been able to walk during raids. My weight loss has pretty much come to a halt the past 2 months or so, which is also just discouraging. Was within a few pounds of my second big goal of getting down to 180, but even if I did hit that, I'm still at harpoon-level land-whale weight. If just losing the walking is causing me to stall out already, it seems like trying to maintain something lower is going to be miserable. Did end up buying another pad, but feels pretty bad to do so since I'm so tight on money, but I don't want to lose all my progress. Still going to the gym, regardless, but despite going regularly, haven't had any kind of social interaction with the other regulars I see there, but I guess that's not the right place for it. I did go out today to the pinball bar nearby. Sat at the bar for a little, got some food, then played for about an hour. Didn't manage to talk to anyone there, either, though. I checked Meetup.com to see what was around me. In the next few weeks all there is is a nature hike/bird watching thing, women's group vision drumming (what the fuck?), and a real estate investor circle jerk meeting, so I guess I'm gonna go see some ducks or something next weekend.
The hardest shit has been trying to figure out how to get over the guy I like. I was holding onto some small bit of hope that maybe once my divorce and shit was all done and behind that maybe he would open up, but I don't think it's going to happen. He'd been damn near all I've been able to think about for almost a year now. On top of that, he's the closest friend I do have and in general he's treated me better than any other friend or SO I've ever had. I've never felt anything remotely close to how I feel about him, not even for the ex-husband early on. Just fucking sucks and I don't really know what to do about it. My mood tends to be heavily dependent on whether or not I've talked to him that day, which obviously isn't ideal. All comes back to the whole can't rely on others for validation stuff, but easier said than done.
So yeah, just dragging along still. Saying the dumb little mantra of "I'm a good person and I'm going to accomplish something today" that my dad told me to say to the mirror everyday. Have tried to at least do one productive thing a day (finally mowed the lawn after like 4 months of not, woo). IDK, I'm trying.
