Livejournal entry below!
Spoiler Alert, click show to read:hah jesus, what a waste of time and emotional energy. So dinner and the hockey game with Anne seemed to be going well. Conversation was good, we were joking around, and I thought we were both enjoying ourselves. Lots of references to each others quirks and things that had happened between us, that kind of thing. We left after the second because I couldn"t stand to watch it anymore and it was a bit of a late start anyway.
As we were walking up the steps of the LRT station down the street from my place she already had her car keys out. I joked that she was already trying to make a break for her car and that she should come up for a bit. She asked why, I said not to worry that I wouldn"t jump on her or anything, she laughed and said she"d only come up because she needed to use the bathroom and asked again why. I said I wanted to talk with her about "stuff and things."
So we got in the elevator, and I went in for a kiss. She backed away and said no, she didn"t want to "go down that road again" or something to that effect. I said that was fine and that"s what I wanted to talk about, she said "oh I made you mad I can tell by your voice" to which I responded "I"m not mad, and if anything that was a step towards clarifying things anyway." We got in to my place and both used the bathroom.
We sat down on the couch and she asked what I wanted to talk about. I said I wasn"t sure where to start and that maybe there wasn"t much to talk about after all, and asked her what she meant in the elevator. She said that she wasn"t looking for just a physical relationship or someone to sleep with, and that she was also happy with how her life was right now and didn"t want anything else either. I asked her point blank (not rudely or forcefully, just directly) why she even met with me the first time, let alone agreeing to the second time, if she wasn"t interested and when I made it pretty clear why we were seeing each other. She said she had thought the first time was maybe just to catch up and that she enjoyed it and thought I had too. I said no, it had been made pretty apparent that it wasn"t just to catch up and that she"d even acknowledged that with a couple of her texts.
She said she "didn"t know then." I again asked why she"d have bothered agreeing to the second meet or date or whatever if she wasn"t interested, and she kind of mumbled her way through saying something about how she hadn"t thought it was a good idea but figured she"d go anyway and just avoid anything happening, not come up to my place etc. I don"t know if I"m forgetting something, or if her response was really that useless or devoid of information.
I said that"s fine and basically said "okay, so nothing"s happening here then? I"m not saying I want to dive back in to things immediately, but there"s nothing at all from your side?" She nodded and said yes, nothing was going to happen. I asked her if she knew what had happened back when we first dated, because I really had no idea what had gone on. She again said she "didn"t know." I repeated that as a question, "so you just don"t know?" and she said the same thing. I said "well then I guess there wasn"t much to talk about afterall" and we got up off the couch and she left after a quick hug.
And just to be clear during the conversations I wasn"t being whiny or weepy or anything, if anything I was relaxed and joking around.
So I"m back to where I was before: I have no idea what the fuck is up with her. Looks like I should have just kept trying to do what I"d been doing and forget about her all over the place bullshit. I just don"t fucking get what is going on inside her head. If an ex of mine that I"d broken up with wanted to meet up with me and made it clear she still had feelings and I didn"t, I"d just come right out and say as much or at the very least indicate it by turning down the meeting. Why even bother if she doesn"t want anything to do with me?
So yeah, I"m pissed at her for leading me along for apparently no good reason other than possibly for some validation (why give a shit about someone you don"t want to be with anyway?), and pissed at myself for thinking that anything different would have happened.
Tyen said:
Yeah, I"m thinking I may be going down that route for the next while. Haven"t heard from Annabell since last week, but we"ve only gone on a couple dates and chatted a couple times on the phone, so the ball is still largely in my court in terms of getting in touch I would think, and she"s wicked busy with night classes and work.
I"m just not sure if there"s much point continuing things when I"m obviously still hung up on Anne for whatever ridiculous reason (the two meets did nothing but remind me of how much I like being around her despite her fucked up ways). I don"t want to lead her much further along if I"m just going through the motions. I like hanging out with her, but haven"t felt any big spark or tug, again I"m sure in large part due to the unresolved bullshit with Anne.
Ah, the joys of romance!
