Girls who broke your heart thread

brekk said:

Texting also helps since 4 years of EQ, and 3 years of WoW have left me acybersexmaster.

Click to expand...

.

Azrayne said:

text stuff.

Click to expand...

A simple "this is odd and I"m not comfortable answering these questions" would suffice. The best answer is often the simplest one. Plus, even though the message has no agenda, it does have the side effect of conveying a good message: if it"s really her brother, it tells him its not his business to ask a complete stranger personal questions via text when he has never spoken to you in his life. And if it"s really her, it tells her that you won"t buy into manipulative games.

Eomer said:

^as this thread has demonstrated, I have no idea what the fuck is going on there and you probably shouldn"t listen to me.

Some advice is required on my end however, so please feel free. So when I was in Tokyo and looking to kill a few hours before my train left for the airport, I went and picked up a Yukata from a department store near Shinjuku (Yukata - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia). Basically a simpler kimono. I figured what the hell, a kimono is kind of the stereotypical thing to bring back from Japan right? And to be quite honest, my intention was to give it to the girl I had met prior to the trip. But I am fully aware that would seem kind of weird, since we basically hooked up one night, hung out the next day, and that"s pretty much it. Perhaps giving such a gift so soon would be strange or coming on too strong.

Basically the plan for our first "date", if such a thing exists after hooking up, is to go grab a bite and then go to an Oilers game, and as my place is conveniently located directly beside the subway station from the game, to come back after and present her with the gift and bask in the glory of my awesome, thoughtful gift.

Good plan, or Chuck pt 2?

Click to expand...

Good god, no. If the situations were reversed and she had bought you a gift, would you be surprised? If so, don"t buy her one. Guys give too many gifts. And I think it is almost always their affection for the girl subconsciously betraying them. They consciously know to hold back from coming on too strong, but then go gift-giving, drink-buying, or clothes-buying and ruin everything.

If you think you aren"t showing enough affection for someone (you almost always probably ARE showing enough, especially if you have the gift-/drink-/clothes-buying tenancies mentioned above), look them in the eyes and say with complete sincerity, "you know you"re a pretty cool chick/girl/grandma," pause, and follow it by playfully pushing them away and saying "too bad you"re a redsoxfan/left-handed/other irrelevant disqualifier." You effectively show affection and vulnerability, then reassert your manhood in a playful way without actually rejecting her. Deep into a relationship the disqualifier isn"t necessary and is kinda obnoxious if you always use it, but early on its pretty key in order to maintain your manly allure.

Instead why don"t you just show it to her and say look at this cool thing I got in Japan.

Eomer:Don"t do it. If you must, do it later. Yeah, it"s a yukata/"stereotypical Japan gift", but she"ll bring it home, hang it up, and there it will remain on her closet door. Every time she looks at it she"ll be reminded of you. Which can be both a good thing or bad thing, but now? Giving a gift this early in the game just comes off as creepy, especially if it"s clothes.

Azrayne:No brother, step or not, cares enough about his sister to text a relatively random stranger on her phone. If he does, someone there has a problem. Whether it"s him or her with the issue, it doesn"t matter. I"m inclined to believe it was her pretending to be her brother, which makes her batshit insane.

A simple "this is odd and I"m not comfortable answering these questions" would suffice. The best answer is often the simplest one. Plus, even though the message has no agenda, it does have the side effect of conveying a good message: if it"s really her brother, it tells him its not his business to ask a complete stranger personal questions via text when he has never spoken to you in his life. And if it"s really her, it tells her that you won"t buy into manipulative games.

Click to expand...

Yeah I more or less went along this route. I basically said "look, she knows I care about her, if she wants to discuss this she can do it herself I"m not going to talk through someone else" Then she messaged me saying "her brother thought I was alright" and going on about how she knows I care and actions speak louder than words. Then tells me she loves me (which was a contentuous point between us, she"s constantly on my back to say I love her, I say she doesn"t even know what the fuck love is)

Azrayne: No brother, step or not, cares enough about his sister to text a relatively random stranger on her phone. If he does, someone there has a problem. Whether it"s him or her with the issue, it doesn"t matter. I"m inclined to believe it was her pretending to be her brother, which makes her batshit insane.

Click to expand...

I think batshit insane is a bit much, but she is very unstable emotionally. I know thats a big fucking "get the hell out" sign, but for some reason I can"t bring myself to cut her off. I"m not sure if it"s because I don"t want to hurt her (which makes me a hypocrit, since I always advice people to cut the other off in this situation) because I actually like her (and I do, when she"ll just settle down and stop stressing) or because I have some bizarre thing for damaged goods (and I could psychoanalyze this one for days).

I"ve come to the conclusion that it really was her step brother. I know she lives with him and that they"re very close(to the point of referring to him as her brother), so I think it"s likely that she had one of her "I"m a delicate little flower" breakdowns and he decided to find out wtf was up.

We ended up texting later on. I didn"t bring the morning"s discourse up, she asked me when I"m planning to visit (I"m going over to the east coast to catch up with friends some time later in the year, and said I"d work in a few days to go see her) and made some crack about wanting me to move over there, to which I responded that there"s no chance. Then about 20 minutes later she tried to call me. I didn"t pick up, she changed her number to private and tried to call again. 5 times. I waited a couple hours then sent her a "hey did you call earlier whats up?" message, she rang again, we spoke a bit, I asked about her step brother but otherwise didn"t bring up her whole breakdown thing, we flirted a bit, then I said I had to bail and finished the conversation.

Meh it"s a fucked up semi-relationship, I know that. It"s been pretty on off with constant fighting and arguing and fucking since we first hooked up last august. I know she"s bad for me but goddamn if there isn"t something about her that makes it impossible for me to just cut her out of my life. I mean we"re completely different people from completely different backgrounds, she"s really unstable and I"m only just dealing with my own DnM shit, she now lives a couple thousand km"s away with no plan of leaving, but I can"t bring myself to just tell her it"ll never work out.

And now I"ve gone and churned out a fucking novella about the whole mess. Goddamn this girl needs to get out of my head.

I meant "batshit insane" in the "not setting boundaries so her stepbrother can pick up her phone and start texting the dude she"s attempting to date" sort of way. Not setting limits is... well, yeah. It sounds like you truly care about this girl, but it just isn"t in a romantic sense. It"s not love. It"s nurturing, like you want to help her solve her problems. I mean, if she"s this good when she"s emotionally unstable, the payoff might be someone completely devoted to you if you stick it out, right? Or, you just don"t want to hurt her and add to the laundry list of problems she already has. It"s weird, because from your post, you seem to have a lot of contempt for her. "Not knowing what love is", ""I"m a delicate little flower" breakdowns", and so on. I"m not sure if that"s a tough guy mask on the internet thing or if you truly feel like that. If it"s the former, shame on you. If it"s the latter, that"s quite telling.

I mean, you know what you have to do. You"ve already stated as much. If you really care for her in some way, just bear in mind that the longer you wait, the worse it will probably become. For both of you. ^^;

My simple rule for giving women clothes as a gift is: am I going to get to fuck them in it, out of it, or through it? If the answer to all of these questions is "no", then I don"t bother. What"s really the point? You should follow my advice because it has always served me well.

Also, saying, "hey look I bought this neat thing, do you want it?" is lame. Either give her the godamned thing or don"t. You were thinking of her. You wanted to get her something nice (to fuck her in), so you got her a little cheesy but acceptable gift. You are not a criminal or a desperate psycho - you just thought about her at the right moment.

One other thing you could do, however, is hold back on it for the time being. If the relationship develops you could whip it out "as a sign that you were in love with her right from the beginning!!!!". That oughta satisfy rule above.

Good luck dude!

Alcestis said:

It sounds like you truly care about this girl, but it just isn"t in a romantic sense. It"s not love. It"s nurturing, like you want to help her solve her problems. I mean, if she"s this good when she"s emotionally unstable, the payoff might be someone completely devoted to you if you stick it out, right?

Or, you just don"t want to hurt her and add to the laundry list of problems she already has. It"s weird, because from your post, you seem to have a lot of contempt for her. "Not knowing what love is", ""I"m a delicate little flower" breakdowns", and so on. I"m not sure if that"s a tough guy mask on the internet thing or if you truly feel like that. If it"s the former, shame on you. If it"s the latter, that"s quite telling.

Click to expand...

I think you"re probably right, but it"s hard to say. I mean I enjoy spending time with her when she"s not in one of her moods, and I try and help her with her shit and I like to think that I make a difference because she has had a pretty rough past. Maybe I try and vicarious address my own issues by helping her with hers, that thought definately occured to me.

But the thing is, I honestly don"t expect her to ever "get better." Short of finding jesus, she"s just pretty emotionally entrenched in her own little downward spiral. When people get like that, you can"t ever really help them out because they"ve taken their problems and made it a part of their identity, so it"s easier for them to suffer than to move on and grow past it and find something else to base their whole existential framework on. It"s the exact same issue I had with my ex before her. Except she "did" find jesus (again), which is why the relationship fell apart.

So why I perpetuate the whole cycle, I don"t know. I wouldn"t say I "love" her, but I have a different conception of love to what she does. To me, love is something that comes a few years down the track. I mean I look at my parents, they"ve basically lived their lives around eachother for 30 years, they never fight, they make every decision together, they sacrifice untold amounts of their personal lives for their relationship. That, to me, is love, which is why I have trouble buying it when some girl I"ve been with for 2 months tells me she loves me (as she did within 2 months of us meeting), it just makes me think she has no idea what she"s talking about. I mean if you add up the amount of time we"ve actually been officially together since we met, it probably only totals to 3 or 4 months (since last july).

I also have trouble believing her when she talks about love because it"s the exact same way she spoke about the guy she was with when we met, who she left two weeks later for me. Or after I broke it off the first time and we stopped talking for 2 months and she calls me and surprised she"s engaged to "the one". Who she left another month after that because he beat her and suddenly wanted back with me again.

I get the feeling she just feeds off the attention she gets from guys, and that"s what bothers me, because I can"t help but feel that it"s the fact that I try help her with her problems and the fact that I like her that she likes, more than anything actually about me. I think she"s attracted to an ideal of me that doesn"t have much to do with my real personality, and that makes me very cautious about reciprocating. She carries on about how great I am and how much she likes me, but I think maybe she"s just seeing something that she wants to believe is there so she can feel like she"s living in her own personal romcom. Like she"s set me up as her own Hugh Grant so she can pretend she"s Jennifer Garner.

And I think I react to this by putting a wall up, which I guess is what comes across as having contempt for her. She"s also a bit rough around the edges and comes from a really poor family and as much as I try and put aside any preconceived notions I was raised with, but maybe I"m not as good at that as I thought. And the thing is, the more I distance myself from her, the more she throws herself at me, it"s like she"s more concerned with the validation she gets from me than my actual company. Which bothers me because I genuinely do like her beneath it all, but it"s almost like she"s more attracted to me the worse I act towards her, so maybe that subconsciously fuels it.

Sorry about the Dr. Phil-esque wall of text

I need a second opinion on the climber girl, if you"d be so kind.

I"ll recap some, so you don"t have to dig through the last pages:

- met her on sunday at a friend"s place. they were cooking dinner for us.
- she smiled at me all evening (being the gentleman I am, I smiled back. probably looked silly too, but whatever)
- she witnessed the phone situation with my ex, or at least the loud parts of it (a window was open), and how much it stressed me (when I came back in my hands shaked...)
- she said she doesn"t get to do much climbing these days, for a lack of time, but showed up in the climbing gym on tuesday. it"s probably a 20 minute drive for her. I saw her walking down those stairs and when she saw me there was that wonderful smile again. and I got hugs for greeting and goodbye.
- she ordered a product we make, through me. she could also have asked my coworker to bring it to his friend and pick it up there. but she asked me to bring it (we"re sold out, just my luck)
- showed me her tattoos (were partially visible, but it took a bit of lifting and tugging to reveal the rest)
- belayed me. this is the best part. she"s probably half my weight and I had no problem trusting her with my life.


so, are these real signals or is she just a nice person who makes friends easily?

an if yes, would it be creepy if I got her number through my coworker to call her and say the product she ordered is sold out, but I"d like to see her earlier anyway? I almost feel like a stalker thinking that, but I hope I"m overthinking things. I tend to do that.

Shit, this one is perfect. I hope I don"t fuck it up.

Hmm, Ronaan, it"s tough to say. After she overheard your phone conversation with your ex, it"s tough deciphering whether or not those signals are of genuine interest in you or making herself available for your well-being (as a friend). Definitely inconclusive, will need more interaction to determine intent. No, it wouldn"t be creepy to attempt getting her phone number through your coworker. Ordering a product is a business transaction, and if she asked you personally to deliver the goods, it"s not unreasonable to assume you"d be the one to tell her that the item is sold out. For all she knows, her number is already in a database that all employees in your company can look up. She doesn"t have to know how or what your motivation was in obtaining it.

Ouch, that"s a mess Az. It"s all good though. Always a bad deal when a girl leaves her boyfriend for you. I mean, good for both parties if they love each other, but there"s always that nagging doubt and insecurity there that you"ll be on the receiving end shortly. ;-;

Alcestis said:

Hmm, Ronaan, it"s tough to say. After she overheard your phone conversation with your ex, it"s tough deciphering whether or not those signals are of genuine interest in you or making herself available for your well-being (as a friend).

Click to expand...

I understand. Odd though, sunday was the first time we met. Why would she make herself available as an emotional tampon for somebody she barely knows...

Definitely inconclusive, will need more interaction to determine intent. No, it wouldn"t be creepy to attempt getting her phone number through your coworker. Ordering a product is a business transaction, and if she asked you personally to deliver the goods, it"s not unreasonable to assume you"d be the one to tell her that the item is sold out. For all she knows, her number is already in a database that all employees in your company can look up. She doesn"t have to know how or what your motivation was in obtaining it.

Click to expand...

Well the order was placed outside business hours, while taking a smoke break during climbing... she said "hey you work at the same place as mike, don"t you? can you get me 3 of those (things)? I saw them in your onlineshop but figured I"d save on shipping."
So no, her number isn"t in our system (unfortunately).

Guess I"ll best talk to my coworker, but that smells of 7th grade somewhat.
"Hey do you think she likes me?"

Ouch, that"s a mess Az. It"s all good though. Always a bad deal when a girl leaves her boyfriend for you. I mean, good for both parties if they love each other, but there"s always that nagging doubt and insecurity there that you"ll be on the receiving end shortly. ;-;

Click to expand...

In all fairness, I was in a relationship as well when we met, though I broke that off after we started hooking up. And to her credit she flat out refused to cheat on him with me (not that I ever tried to push her to, but she always kept things from getting too far until she"d ended that relationship), so I"m pretty confident that if she gets the urge to bone some other dude she"ll at least tell me first (she can"t really break it off since we aren"t officially together, with the whole long distance thing).

It is one massive convuluted mess though, and there"s just no way it will ever work out or end well. I just have to figure out how to wind things down slowly and make it end as well as possible. Half of me is just tempted to be as sickeningly nice as I can to her so she gets bored with me and leaves me for some other guy who lives in her new state, at least then I wouldn"t have to deal with the emotional headfuck of telling her that things will never work out. I"m not sure if my ego would allow me to do that though haha.

Azrayne, I don"t know you so I can"t say for sure. But I think most often, when a guy doesn"t want to break it off with an unstable girl, it"s because he simply likes the affection.

One of my best friends is dating a girl who is, rationally, a soul-stealing succubus, but he can"t let her go even after she went total psycho mode on him. Previous to that he dated a girl who also went psycho and lived in another state and neither had any intention on moving, yet he didn"t want to break it off. I talked to a girl for months that I met on spring break once, we lived 10 hours apart and I absolutely knew the "bond" we both felt at the time was an accident of the situation and we really were way too different. In all 3 situations, I know for a fact it is/was just the attention and affection that kept the guy (my friend, my friend, me, respectively) from breaking it off.

It"s dangerous though. You think you are detached and guarded, but you can"t be completely. When she finds a new flavor of the month, as these types of girls do, she"ll drop you without warning and you will realize you had come to like and depend on the affection from her. I made the mistake of being friends with a girl like that, yes even FRIENDS and on MY terms, and despite keeping myself at a distance, when she found a new boyfriend she bailed on my big birthday party even though I was moving away barely a week afterwards. And I was pretty pissed about it even though I specifically made a point to keep myself at a certain distance from her since I knew how she was.

There are times that your reason and your emotions are at odds. And while there may be the rare occasion, I"ve never actually seen or heard about a situation where the emotional desire turned out to be the right call. It almost never is. If you break it off asap you"re gonna be happy you did later, I can almost guarantee it.

Ronaan:

That story sounds completely inconclusive. Look for IOIs (indicator"s of interest, yea I"m using acronyms, blow me). Hair-teasing while talking to you is one of the most common and easiest to spot. Playful slaps, subtle compliments, most touching. If you"re not getting these, she"s either really shy, or more likely, you haven"t stuck out in her mind yet. It doesn"t have to be either-or with attraction. She can like youa little, but she wouldn"t want to date you.

Don"t try to pull clues out of her interest in your ex, imo. There are just too many factors and possibilities and deciphering that mess is near impossible. Stick to the easy clues, such as those listed in the previous paragraph.

Dabamf is giving some sound advice on unstable girl. Not having dealt with someone with so much bloody baggage, I wonder if the sickeningly nice thing might be the best way of going about it. Or the gradually tapering off frequency/length of conversation until there"s none left ploy. As much as I"m an advocate for manning up during "breakups"... I don"t know.

Ronaan said:

Why would she make herself available as an emotional tampon for somebody she barely knows...

Click to expand...

Ronaan said:

is she just a nice person who makes friends easily?

Click to expand...

There you go. Some girls are like that. As for her phone number in some imaginary database,she doesn"t have to know there is no system. And she won"t, if you don"t tell her.

Alcestis said:

As for her phone number in some imaginary database,she doesn"t have to know there is no system. And she won"t, if you don"t tell her.

Click to expand...

Thereisa system, but she never put her number in. She"s not an existing customer in our database. Friend of a friend of a friend.

Ah well, I"ll just tell my coworker I like her and beg him for her number on my knees if I have to. I think his friend (the one we had dinner at) sort of wants me to hook up with that girl anyway... or maybe it"s just what I want to interpret into it.

Ronaan said:

Thereisa system, but she never put her number in. She"s not an existing customer in our database. Friend of a friend of a friend.

Ah well, I"ll just tell my coworker I like her and beg him for her number on my knees if I have to. I think his friend (the one we had dinner at) sort of wants me to hook up with that girl anyway... or maybe it"s just what I want to interpret into it.

Click to expand...

Don"t necessarily get her number cause you like her (or atleast, say that). Be up front about the situation; She asked you to get item X. item X is sold out, you"d like her number so you can call her and let her know.

Its simple. If you do go this route though; Make sure to tell her its sold out when you call. Otherwise its just weird.

Big W Powah! said:

Don"t necessarily get her number cause you like her (or atleast, say that). Be up front about the situation; She asked you to get item X. item X is sold out, you"d like her number so you can call her and let her know.

Its simple. If you do go this route though; Make sure to tell her its sold out when you call. Otherwise its just weird.

Click to expand...

That"s the plan.

I just fear my coworker might say "I got her number, I"ll call and let her know."
or "I"ll tell my friend to tell her it"s out."
both resulting in me not getting said number.

Brad2770 said:

You should start it off!

Click to expand...

I wish I could but I married my first girlfriend!

Dfresh429 said:

I wish I could but I married my first girlfriend!

Click to expand...

I"m sorry to hear that

Don"t be..honestly couldn"t be happier.

Though, reading through this thread, it really does make me realize how screwed I would be in the dating world...

Lucked out, i guess.

Haha I"m not married but I am still on GF #1. Going on 3.5 years now. Living vicariously through this thread helps me keep some perspective on how lucky I am, just like you!