Girls who broke your heart thread

Alcestis_foh

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Soygen said it better than I could. Just an addition: Not only does it mean you don"t pursue the person, but you don"t string along/toy with your current "pretty awesome guy" for that long while sorting your feelings out. Come now, she had sex with Jay on again, off again for several years. She wanted a relationship with him; who knows how far it would"ve gone had Jay been willing? Her "not knowing how she felt" until she hears through the grapevine that her old fuckbuddy has a new fuckbuddy? I don"t buy that.

When Eomer asked her if she was over Jay at the beginning of the relationship, my guess is her response of "yeah definitely I"m over him" was said because she wanted to start the relationship with Eomer and not because she actually, seriously examined her feelings for her ex. Which is... shit for him, really. Hence the "".
 

Eomer

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When I was first dating Xerxes, the subject of Chuck came up. She asked me if I still had feelings for her, and I of course said "nah I"m over that", because I WANTED to be over that and move on with the new person in my life. But realistically, had Chuck called at any point during my dating of Xerxes, I would have dropped her cold and gone running back in all likelihood. And that was a relationship that lasted barely a month, let alone on and off for a couple years, which is the case with Anne and Jay. So I can symphathize or understand where she"s coming from. She was in a relationship that wasn"t going anywhere, knew it, wanted to move on and along I came. I"m seeing that more clearly now.

However I don"t think that means things are doomed. She does genuinely care about me. The question is how strong the feelings are for the old flame, and whether she can move past them. That"s my main concern at this point. I don"t think dwelling on that or letting it affect my behaviour with her is going to do a damn thing to mitigate the situation, so I may as well just continue on much the same as we"ve been proceeding and see where the chips fall. I"m pretty circumspect about shit like this, or at least part of me is. If it doesn"t work out, shit happens and I try to move on even if there"s a period of time where I"m upset about it. Running away now, or pushing her away, only guarantees that it won"t work out.

Soygen said:
That said, you can only believe so many "I just ran into soandso" stories. Hope she"s being honest for your sake, Eomer.
So do I, and I genuinely believe she"s being truthful about that. She bought her bike from the store he works at (because he worked there). She gets it serviced there. She went to the local ski hill on Sunday (she had mentioned that to me previously), and upon mounting her bike on her roof rack after downhilling realized that oil was coming out of one of the cylinders. Like it or not, she WILL run in to this guy from time to time.

Aulirophile said:
Unrelated to the present issue, which seems to be going better. I know you"ve talked before about she is "kinkier" then girls you are used to, but is she really sexually submissive? Subs don"t ask for permission because they think they need it (barring an all out M/s relationship), but because they get a little thrill out of being told what to do (even in non-sexual situations). You might consider reading up on that a little if you want this to go long term.
I don"t think she"s overly sexually submissive. I think a lot of the kinki-ness was overblown, she talked a big game but when it comes down to it unless I take the initiative not much wild stuff happens. Xerxes was the opposite in that she pretty much said "okay, we"re doing X now", whereas Anne won"t do much without me telling her to. But I don"t think she crosses the line in to being a "submissive" in the S&M sense. I think she just likes to keep things spicy, but isn"t really the kind of person to take charge of it.

Alcestis said:
She lied earlier when she said she was over him, I personally would have a rough time believing her now that she"s saying the same thing.

Sigh, Eomer. I really want to be an optimist for you, but reading all that gives me a sinking feeling and makes me go "".
She isn"t saying the same thing though. She"s admitted that she still has feelings for him, but also does for me and wants to make things work between us, and therefore will try to avoid contact with Jay more actively from now on. I didn"t ask her how strong the feelings were, or where Jay and I stood relative to each other, because I doubt she knows and if she did I doubt I"d get an honest answer.

But you"re absolutely right, this has really shaken the sense of security I had developed with her and now I don"t know what to think about this whole thing.
 

ToeMissile

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Eomer said:
...However I don"t think that means things are doomed. She does genuinely care about me. The question is how strong the feelings are for the old flame, and whether she can move past them. That"s my main concern at this point. I don"t think dwelling on that or letting it affect my behaviour with her is going to do a damn thing to mitigate the situation, so I may as well just continue on much the same as we"ve been proceeding and see where the chips fall. I"m pretty circumspect about shit like this, or at least part of me is. If it doesn"t work out, shit happens and I try to move on even if there"s a period of time where I"m upset about it. Running away now, or pushing her away, only guarantees that it won"t work out...
Seems to me you have the right idea.
 

Dabamf_sl

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I think you have the right idea. It could turn out either way, so stay with it until it"s no longer worth the uncertainty.

EVERYONE has an ex they think about. That alone means nothing. When, after one year, I broke up with my girlfriend a couple years ago and she started dating another guy, I had to remove her from my facebook account because I couldn"t stand seeing my feed updated with pictures of her and him. Now, it was largely because I had a very high opinion of her and the guy was a total fuckin loser and it made me depressed that she would date a guy like that, but I can"t deny that it was also partially because I retained feelings for her (and still do now, and probably will until I meet someone who measures up). It"s about how you handle those lingering feelings that determines if you are dateable or if you need to get the fuck over your previous attachments.

Just keep reminding yourself Eomer to constantly check yourself and ask yourself these questions at all times: am I asking her what is wrong all the time, apologizing when there has been no wrongdoing, reassuring her excessively,attempting to appear -anything-(for example, in your emails with her you certainly attempted to appear understanding, instead of just being as understanding as you normally are), etc. The last one I do all the time. I very often attempt to appear a certain way instead of just acting how I normally act. The consequence of that is when it goes overboard (ie she stringing you along for a week with almost-teasing emails), you haven"t been acting normal so your normal "hold the fuck up this is ridiculous" sense gets obscured.
 

Aulirophile_foh

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Eomer said:
I don"t think she"s overly sexually submissive. I think a lot of the kinki-ness was overblown, she talked a big game but when it comes down to it unless I take the initiative not much wild stuff happens. Xerxes was the opposite in that she pretty much said "okay, we"re doing X now", whereas Anne won"t do much without me telling her to. But I don"t think she crosses the line in to being a "submissive" in the S&M sense. I think she just likes to keep things spicy, but isn"t really the kind of person to take charge of it.
That pretty much describes a sub. They don"t have be into "S&M" necessarily, a lot of subs are perfectly normal in their aversion to pain. In many cases they aren"t really aware of it, but the behavior of "forcing" the guy to take control by not doing anything unless he takes charge is a pretty standard thing. Shy girls are prone to it, as well, but you don"t describe her as shy.

I mean, as long as you"re over-analyzing, this at least gives you something interesting to think about.
 
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I was going to say that to Aurl, if the kinkiness doesn"t happen unless you direct it to, that"s the very definition of a sub. Sub doesn"t always mean "tie me up and whip the shit out of me" it just means she likes you to take control and direct things. She wants YOU to be the one to initiate the kinky, crazy things. Have at it, she wants it.
 

Dabamf_sl

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Vatoreus said:
I was going to say that to Aurl, if the kinkiness doesn"t happen unless you direct it to, that"s the very definition of a sub. Sub doesn"t always mean "tie me up and whip the shit out of me" it just means she likes you to take control and direct things. She wants YOU to be the one to initiate the kinky, crazy things. Have at it, she wants it.
Do you realize what you are describing? I thought we already established that Eomer was, in fact, dating a female?
 

Aychamo BanBan

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Just kill her off and come post about it!

I know I"m days behind. Maybe she has aids from being in a pentagon

Eomer said:
Sooo, I"ve been going out with Anne "officially" for nearly two months now. Overall everything"s been pretty great. We get along well, she"s low maintenance, sex is good, so on and so forth. However over the past month I"ve noticed a change in her. She"s not as outgoing or as fun as she was initially, at least when it"s just the two of us hanging around. When she"s out with my friends, she returns to being what I consider "herself", joking around and being goofy etc. Often she isn"t "up" for doing anything much more than sitting on the couch and going to sleep at 11 on a Friday. I was under the impression, for example, that we"d go for bike rides fairly often since she likes mountain biking, but we went once and after about 30 minutes of pretty time riding she wanted to head back. Sex has also gotten a lot less frequent. At first we were fucking like rabbits, and she proclaimed that she was more than happy to have sex a couple times a day, which we pretty much did. Now we have sex maybe 50% of the time we see each other, which is about 2-4 times a week on average.

She"s admitted that she is in a "funk", even posted a Facebook status update to that effect. She says she feels tired all the time, and is sorry that she isn"t as much "fun" as she should be. I have basically said no problem, that I still enjoy her company (I do), and that if she wants to talk about whatever it is that is causing it or part of the problem, to let me know. She initially said that there wasn"t anything specific, and she didn"t know what the problem was. For the first couple weeks I left it at that.

She was over at my place on Monday, and we were talking a bit about it because it was like 8pm and she wanted to leave to go home to sleep, while I wanted to hang out for a bit longer. I asked her if there was something wrong, if I was part of the problem or if I had done something wrong (other than being a constant sarcastic smart ass, I have treated her like gold, never once gotten mad/frustrated with her, take her out often, so on and so forth) and she insisted that no it wasn"t me, that she had just felt tired and not herself over the past month. I agreed that I had noticed a change in the past month, and then she started crying. Not tears streaming down the face crying, but red watery eyes crying. She again insisted that she didn"t know what the problem was and she was sorry that she was acting the way she was. She left a few minutes later, again sans sex.

The next morning I sent her an email talking about some unrelated stuff, and mentioned at the end that I hoped she didn"t think that I said she wasn"t fun to hang out with anymore, or that I thought she was a bitch or anything. I reiterated that I would love to help her out with whatever it was she was dealing with.

What the hell it"s easier to just quote the emails:



So she admitted yesterday that there IS something going on. Whether it"s a health thing, an emotional thing, a relationship thing, a family thing, I have no idea.















The emails contained a lot more than just what I"ve quoted, but about unrelated stuff. I don"t think they"re disjointed.

So yeah, I have no idea what"s up. Sounds like it doesn"t have much to do with me directly. She had a somewhat difficult upbringing, in that her dad was an alcoholic and her parents divorced when she was quite young, along with changing schools, briefly becoming a Mormon (wtf?), and that kind of thing. Her dad"s cleaned up and remarried, and she lives with him and the step mother who she gets along with fine. However she was living with her mother up until a year or so ago, but no longer gets along well with her at all and wants nothing to do with her step dad. So there"s some family issues as well.

As well, her previous relationships over the past couple years were kind of fucked up. She was involved in some fucked up love pentagon. It took her like two hours to give me a summary of all the bullshit that went on. That largely was over well over a year ago, but after that, she remained somewhat fuck buddies with one of the dudes and that continued right up until she met me (coincidentally he was briefly a tour guide with the same company as me, although I only met him once and he didn"t stick around). She still talks/texts with that guy, who apparently is somewhat unstable mentally with depression and has told her that he hates me, if only because I "stole" her (dumbass didn"t want a relationship while she did the entire time). I don"t really give a shit that she talks with him, I"m not the jealous type, and they"ve known each other for a long time. And besides, if I told her to stop talking with him, she"d most likely either refuse or just do it behind my back anyway. So at least there"s no secrets, that I"m aware of.

So I don"t know, maybe she"s wondering if she should go back to that guy? Maybe she"s having a lot of family conflict? Her step brother is having a child with a rebound girl that he got preggo like a month after he got divorced, so that"s another family issue.

I really have no idea what"s going on, and really want her to just come out and say what the fuck the problem is. I think she"s pretty awesome overall and to be honest after two months with her could see myself staying with her, but at the same time if shit is going sideways I"d rather it just end now than drag on.

edit: This occurred to me while re-reading my post: we had not been using condoms since we went "official." She"s on birth control, and naturally I hate condoms. Right from the start she had mentioned that she was a little worried about that, because obviously birth control isn"t 100% and she really didn"t want to get pregnant at the moment. She wasn"t sure if she"d keep it or not if she did get pregnant. Right around the time she went in to the "funk", maybe a week or two after she mentioned to me that she thinks that it would be a good idea for me to use a condom from now on because she was really getting paranoid about being pregnant (freaked out that her period was a day late, etc). Naturally I would prefer to continue having sex without one, and the half a dozen times since we talked about that she hasn"t asked me to.

Now I know that sounds REALLY suspicious. But I want to temper that. A week after the initial discussion, while we were talking she said that she"d thought about it more, and that a better compromise than mine (I had suggested we just do anal from now on) would be to wear one during the most fertile parts of her cycle, and that I could go bare back when the chances were lower.

So I"m pretty sure that the whole condom thing really is her just being paranoid about an unwanted pregnancy, and not her going off the pill or fucking other guys or anything like that. I hope.
 
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Dabamf said:
Do you realize what you are describing? I thought we already established that Eomer was, in fact, dating a female?
I guess I"ve just dated a few too many take charge females? The girls I"ve been with are more aggressive than that and don"t hesitate to tell me what to do or take charge of it themselves.
 

Eomer

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Taking this out of PMs, because I don"t see any reason why it needs to be there:

Brad2770 said:
She will go back to him, thats for sure. When she "knows" they will be a couple and she gets what she wants from him, she will drop you quickly. I know some of my advice is stupid, but I know this for a fact.

It"s 2 months and this is happening. Just think of how it will be when its 2 years and this guy shows interest.

Is she worth taking the chance for?
Maybe I wasn"t clear, but she told Jay that she was seeing me pretty much immediately, and at the time Jay got all upset and said that he just assumed they"d end up together, that he hated me because I "stole" her, and so on. She told him, tough shit, she had waited long enough and that he missed his chance. She told me all this prior to any of the recent drama. So he already has told her that he wants her back, and she stuck with me.

Of course, that"s assuming she"s been telling me the truth, or at least most of the truth. Whether that"s the case or not is pretty much impossible for me to confirm.

Personally I don"t see why I should just walk away because there"s a chance down the road she will do the same. There"s that chance in ANY relationship, everyone"s got past flames, and everyone could meet someone new that they fall for.
 

Lusiphur_foh

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Eomer said:
Taking this out of PMs, because I don"t see any reason why it needs to be there:



Maybe I wasn"t clear, but she told Jay that she was seeing me pretty much immediately, and at the time Jay got all upset and said that he just assumed they"d end up together, that he hated me because I "stole" her, and so on. She told him, tough shit, she had waited long enough and that he missed his chance. She told me all this prior to any of the recent drama. So he already has told her that he wants her back, and she stuck with me.

Of course, that"s assuming she"s been telling me the truth, or at least most of the truth. Whether that"s the case or not is pretty much impossible for me to confirm.

Personally I don"t see why I should just walk away because there"s a chance down the road she will do the same. There"s that chance in ANY relationship, everyone"s got past flames, and everyone could meet someone new that they fall for.
I was wondering when you would hit some drama It was about due.

Like you say, shit happens. However, what you need to be firm about is the game-playing bullshit. Stringing you along like that for a couple of weeks is really poor form, especially dropping broad hints as she did then clamming up. You need to make it clear that if the two of you are to have any chance she needs to be open about shit that is bothering her.
 

Aychamo BanBan

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Eomer said:
Personally I don"t see why I should just walk away because there"s a chance down the road she will do the same. There"s that chance in ANY relationship, everyone"s got past flames, and everyone could meet someone new that they fall for.
Old flames are weird. They make you feel weird things. What matters is how you react to those feelings. She reacted poorly - she immediately went to the guys job and starting asking him all sorts of shit about the relationship or whatever (leaking bicycle fork oil, my ass.) That"s bullshit.

This will end badly.
 

Brad2770

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I was going to build to reasons why I know she would go back to him. My proof being things I didnt want to air, but its cool. It wouldnt matter what i said because you would do your thing anyways, just like I do mine when others give advice.

I am realizing advice is only asked to see if what you want to do is ok. When others say the same thing you are thinking, you feel better about doing it, its never about truly taking the best advice and applying it.
 

Tenks

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Can you blame them though Brad? We are seeing a narrow scope of a relationship we have no stake in and giving our opinions on it. Granted I think most people get generally good advice but it would be silly to follow everything in this thread since we don"t know the full picture.
 

Churchill_foh

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Eomer said:
So do I, and I genuinely believe she"s being truthful about that. She bought her bike from the store he works at (because he worked there). She gets it serviced there. She went to the local ski hill on Sunday (she had mentioned that to me previously), and upon mounting her bike on her roof rack after downhilling realized that oil was coming out of one of the cylinders. Like it or not, she WILL run in to this guy from time to time.
Well I don"t like it, and you shouldn"t either. Does he work at the only bike shop in town?
 

Aztlan_sl

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I think you have the right mind set Eomer. Don"t listen to these bitter / negative people. You can"t predict the future, you just deal with the situation you have in front of you. She seems like a pretty good girl overall and you have to give her the benefit of the doubt. She hasn"t really shown you persistently bad traits. Just this one isolated incident and we all know that we all slip once in a while.

I do agree with Lusiphur though. You do need to make it clear to her that in the future if anything is bothering her again she needs to be up front about it with you right away, as long as you can remain your calm and collected self when that information is presented to you.
 

Tenks

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Aztlan said:
I think you have the right mind set Eomer. Don"t listen to these bitter / negative people. You can"t predict the future, you just deal with the situation you have in front of you. She seems like a pretty good girl overall and you have to give her the benefit of the doubt. She hasn"t really shown you persistently bad traits. Just this one isolated incident and we all know that we all slip once in a while.

I do agree with Lusiphur though. You do need to make it clear to her that in the future if anything is bothering her again she needs to be up front about it with you right away, as long as you can remain your calm and collected self when that information is presented to you.
You"re treating this like it has been a 2 year relationship when in fact it has only been a 2 month thing. Of those two months I think he said this has been going on for a few weeks. If it were me I"d cut it off but I don"t know the full situation. Generally if we hit a major speedbump before 3 months time I end the relationship. At that point it isn"t too serious and if something large enough to post on FoHSS happens within that time it isn"t as great and happy as you may think.