Girls who broke your heart thread

Void

Experiencer
<Gold Donor>
9,413
11,079
I"ve followed this thread all the way through and even though I"m older than most of you, I have felt that my advice would be decidedly inadequate compared to a lot of the good posters. But in this case, mainly because of what I"ve read here, I feel the need to back up and add to what Tarrant said to Brad.

The key (apparently anyway, since I continually fail at it) to getting a woman interested in you is to not only be interesting yourself, but to be happy and confident with who you are no matter what else is going on around you. Tarrant basically said that"s what he"s doing. So when your ex "plays games" with you, letting them affect you in any way at all hurts your overall status. You might think that ignoring her isn"t affecting you, but it is. You"re showing her that it bothers you enough, or something else she did previously bothers you enough instead, that you aren"t going to react to her actions no matter what they are.

You need to defuse the situation in such a way that not only do you retain the upper hand, but she stops doing whatever the action is that"s annoying you. I don"t know you or your ex, so I can"t say what is really appropriate, but if it were me I"d let her flick my ear a couple times, maybe assume an air of obvious "I"m not paying attention to you" so she knows I"m joking, and then if she does it again, nonchalantly put my finger in my mouth for a wet willy, and casually start to put my around around behind her like I"m going to stick it in her ear. Given the right woman and the obvious fact that she was trying to "play" (even if she"s heartless and evil and just plays to fuck with you), you trumped her by taking that "play" to the next level of irritation/grossness. You don"t have to actually follow through with it, but just make it clear that you"re ready to do it and she"ll probably go "Oh gross!" or something and promise to stop flicking your ear.

That"s just an example that I thought of quickly, but I"m sure there are other ways. You need to not only come out on top, but come out in such a way that gave absolutely no indication that she pushed your buttons. Because she"s pushing them now, and even no reaction is a reaction. The only way you "win" is by making it seem like it didn"t bother you.

Also, it makes you a fuckload more fun to be around, and much more likely to keep your weiner happy. That is, of course, from the perspective that you said you actually want to get back together with her despite her silly little games. If it weren"t for your kid and your desire to get back together, my advice would have been drastically different. But from the perspective of actually wanting to, I think you"re really screwing the pooch here by pointedly ignoring her.

Along those lines, while listening to a woman is always a good thing, not having any input at all is the same error as ignoring the ear flicks. You don"t have to emotionally invest yourself in what she"s saying or anything, but being a mannequin shows you are either totally uninteresting or purposely ignoring her. Neither of those are attractive, as I"m sure you"ll agree. Come up with something to say, no matter how meaningless or trivial. Don"t take the attitude of "If it isn"t positive or about my son, I have nothing to say."

Again, just my opinion, and for that matter the opinion of an older single guy with no prospects at the moment, so take it as you will. I think I"m good at taking advice though, so I feel I"ve learned a ton just reading this thread alone.
 

Aztlan_sl

shitlord
6
0
Brad2770 said:
What has helped me here recently is what Debamf said- "You" havent changed, but you are better on controlling what gets to you. I needed to change my attitude on certain things.
Just as that goes for you, it also goes for her. You need to accept her as she is, her flaws and all, just as you expect her to accept you as you are. She seems to have changed her attitude on you as well. Be happy for that. I agree with the rest, you say you want to get back with her but all your actions speak otherwise. You need to stop acting like a spiteful little child and grow up. And face it, you need to seek some professional help with a marriage couselor, even if it"s just you who"s going because although you have some value as a father, you don"t seem to have much value as a husband.

Honestly, does seeing professional help hurt you at all? I can only see positive gain, with hardly any risk. Do it. Do it for yourself so you can be happy and content with your life and not waste it away like you"re doing right now without your family because the shit you"ve been doing isn"t working.
 

Brad2770

Avatar of War Slayer
5,221
16,408
Well, one of my closest friends has been talking to me recently about "professional help". He has even admitted he has gone in the past (the death of his mom and here recently, the death of his dad). I had no idea he had gone.

He supports me going. I will look into it, but I am still unsure.
 

Dabamf_sl

shitlord
1,472
0
Brad2770 said:
Well, one of my closest friends has been talking to me recently about "professional help". He has even admitted he has gone in the past (the death of his mom and here recently, the death of his dad). I had no idea he had gone.

He supports me going. I will look into it, but I am still unsure.
You lose nothing but a negligible amount of money if you go and its not worthwhile, and you stand to gain hugely. It"s not even a question, there is no downside to just trying it. So any hesitation or apprehension is you just being lazy and/or afraid to take a step to improve (akachange) your life. Don"t be that guy.
 

Tenks

Bronze Knight of the Realm
14,163
606
Damn i re-made my POF profile 40 minutes ago and have been favorite"d and messaged twice. Not sure what"s up with that. I guess I did re-work my profile to be better and put up some more recent pictures.
 

Sutekh

Blackwing Lair Raider
7,489
106
Brad2770 said:
Well, one of my closest friends has been talking to me recently about "professional help". He has even admitted he has gone in the past (the death of his mom and here recently, the death of his dad). I had no idea he had gone.

He supports me going. I will look into it, but I am still unsure.
Unsure of what?

No one has to know other then you, and the doctor.
 

Brad2770

Avatar of War Slayer
5,221
16,408
Sutekh said:
Unsure of what?

No one has to know other then you, and the doctor.
Unsure of it working. My mom has seen shrinks and it has done nothing for her.


Anyways, my ex wanted me to come over today. I told her No and she actually got angry. When I asked why she was angry, she said she wasnt. Than she started asking when I was going to come over and I told her I dont know.

She started asking when I was going to come over to watch TV and to see our son. (I know she started throwing that stuff in there so lure me over.)

This shit really works. Stand up to them and things change.


Edit- I didnt go over there because I didnt feel like going. Not because I am trying to be mean. Though I do feel bad because one of her good friends is moving away to California. I may do something nice for her and buy her some gourmet chocolate or something.
 

Simas_sl

shitlord
1,196
5
Brad I think youre fucking up. Theres a fine line b/w being confident/independent/not needy and being a weird asshole.

If you"re hanging out with her and she flirts with you flirt back. Then afterwards treat it as if nothing happened. You want to come off like flirting is fun, girls flirt with you all the time, and it doesnt mean anything because you dont need it to mean anything. By ignoring her you"re not showing you"re confident, you"re showing that you wont let yourself have fun with her for some reason. That means she is still controlling your actions.

If she wants to hang out and you dont want to then fine but dont be wierd about it, explain youve got stuff going on that day. Damn sure dont buy her chocolates because you didnt hang out. If one of your boys wanted to hang out and you bailed would you buy him chocolates? When she asks when you will hang out dont say "I dont know" tell her "Id like to hang out,Ill look at my schedule and let you know when I can"

It seems like you want to get back with her but you still have alot of resentment towards her. You have to let that shit go. Coming at her in a love/hate way just makes you seem like a weird asshole.
 

ToeMissile

Pronouns: zie/zhem/zer
<Gold Donor>
2,707
1,652
Brad2770 said:
Unsure of it working. My mom has seen shrinks and it has done nothing for her.
Not saying that your mom didn"t, but you have to try, you have to want to really want to change/make progress. You have to find a therapist who fits/works for you, as well as realize that it"s the sort of thing that generally takes years to work through. "2 months and I"m out" is not mentality to have going into it.
 

Brad2770

Avatar of War Slayer
5,221
16,408
Aztlan said:
Honestly Brad, you seem hopeless.
Why, because I am trying to take advice and use it? Fuck off.

I NEVER played these games when I was younger. I didnt date as a teenager, got into my first relationship with my ex and got married at 24. I was married until I was 30. I was always honest about my feelings and that shit doesnt work anymore, so I am trying to figure out what can be said and what cant. I am trying to figure what actions I take and which ones I shouldnt take.

Part of what drove me crazy about my ex in the past is I was trying to play mental chess in my head- "If I do this, she should act like this." and things didnt go like I planned, so it was driving me crazy trying to figure her out. So, instead of thinking like that, lately I have been thinking "What do I want to do?" and I do it. And I dont care how she responds because if she likes my company and truly wants me around, she will accept it. She did when we were younger even though she already knew i was "wierd". (Without reverting back completely to my old ways...)

So, that is probably where I need help at. Honestly, I like how Dabamf explains stuff and I really hope he can step in and maybe point me in the right direction. I still have not had the right moment to use the "I havent changed, but I have changed my attitude" line yet. That really has helped a lot because I really wanted to be a changed person for her, but I never felt it. But looking back, I know my attitude on certain things had changed dramatically.

The reason for the chocolate was not because I didnt go over there. It was a "I am sorry your friend is gone, I know these things put a smile on your face."
 

Alcestis_foh

shitlord
0
0
Brad2770 said:
Why, because I am trying to take adviceand use it? Fuck off.
?
ToeMissile said:
You have to find a therapist
Aztlan said:
Honestly, does seeing professional help hurt you at all? I can only see positive gain, with hardly any risk. Do it.
Dabamf said:
It"s not even a question, there is no downside to just trying it.
Alcestis said:
You need to get counseling
Sutekh said:
No one has to know other then you, and the doctor.
Etoille said:
go get counselling. YOU are doing this to you.
Jesus Christ said:
Get professional help, my child.
God said:
Fuck this noise. Someone else can have him.
 

Brad2770

Avatar of War Slayer
5,221
16,408
Well, I dont have shit to say to that.

EDIT- Look, Im sorry, but I fucking cant get past the fact that I really think its going to be a waste of money. They fucking could care less what happens to you once your hour is up. I cant bring myself to make someone richer because they fucking make notes about my thoughts and then tell me I need to take a deep breath, count to 10 and pay them 120 dollars.

The more I think about having to go to a fucking shrink, the angrier I get because I really do think its a fucking waste.


EDIT2- Doesnt mean i wont try it, but thats my thoughts on shrinks.
 

Dabamf_sl

shitlord
1,472
0
Brad2770 said:
EDIT- Look, Im sorry, but I fucking cant get past the fact that I really think its going to be a waste of money
What other opinions do you hold with absolutely nothing to base them on?

Brad2770 said:
They fucking could care less what happens to you once your hour is up.
When I volunteered for a crisis hotline in college we had the phone number of most of our repeat callers" psychologist in order to contact them during off hours, and we frequently had to. They always called their client back whether it was 8pm or 4am, with the rare exception of clients who were abusing their priviledges.

Brad2770 said:
make notes about my thoughts and then tell me I need to take a deep breath, count to 10 and pay them 120 dollars.
Sounds like a little too much to learn in 4-6 years of post-graduate education. I think you can only rely on their instructions to take a deep breath. The count to 10 part is learned maybe in required continuing education? They charge extra for that.

Brad, you invented everything you just wrote. My frist thought after your reading your post is: "this guy is defensive, he"s trying to evade something." Your post is a sign of someone who is on the defensive trying to save himself from the recognition that he is wrong when there is a lack of legitimate reasons for the position he holds. Now, judging by the actual content of your post which contains nothing but fabricated material, my initial impression seems pretty solid. You are making up reasons to avoid going to counseling. There are 2 guesses I have, one is that you are afraid toactuallytake steps to improve your life and/or afraid to undergo a serious evaluation of your life and yourself, or (2) that you are too lazy to put in the effort required.

And finally...

You like my advice?

After my time is up in Asia I"m going to grad school to become a clinical psychologist, aka "shrink." How about someone like me with 4-6 more years of education and training, plus 1-30 years of work experience.

That"s all I"m bothering with regarding you, until you drop the defensiveness and excuses and look like you actually intend to use anything that anyone here has said.

I"m sorry, your time is up.
 

chu_foh

shitlord
0
0
Brad2770 said:
Why, because I am trying to take advice and use it? Fuck off.

I NEVER played these games when I was younger. I didnt date as a teenager, got into my first relationship with my ex and got married at 24. I was married until I was 30.
That"s pretty much your problem. You have no idea how to interact with women and somewhat with people in general.
 

Brad2770

Avatar of War Slayer
5,221
16,408
Ok, some quick background on my mom (what i know).

My sister actually knows more of what happened to my mom than I know and she is 10 years younger than me. I am pretty naive to shit within my family. But being that way has also kept me pretty close with all of them. My family doesnt get a long too well, especially my mom.

Anyways, my mom was raped when she was 16. Maybe that is the start of her issues. I dont know, but she got pregnant in high school with me when she was 17 and has been married 3 times and divorced twice.

Over the last 10 years, she has seen several shrinks. She has been up and down. She used to take meds, then stopped. Then another shrink would come along and give her different meds. She would get better, then worse. Then better again. So on. Always up and down.

She hasnt seen a shrink in about 4 years. She stays holed up in her room, NEVER leaves the house. She has an EXCUSE for everything and hasnt talked to me in almost a year because she owes me money and refuses to pay because she doesnt think she should pay me. Her and my dad dont sleep in the same room anymore and hardly see each other because she is so detached. All she does is play MMO"s all day.

I have a seen a strong woman, that I feel raised me pretty damned well, deteriorate into a lifeless zombie. Shrinks did nothing for her. And I never even knew anything was really wrong with her until recently.

Youre asking me to have faith in something I havent seen work. Its not an excuse. I dont want someone to give me meds. I dont think I am sick. I dont want to change based on meds. And I am afraid a shrink will want me to take them.

Honestly, I am kind of scared, because I really like who I am and what I am capable of. My loss of my family is what tears at me the most and is really the only thing I feel is wrong with me.

I dont know how to explain my opinion on shrinks any better. I know what my friend has said. It has, for the most part, helped him, but it doesnt change the fact he still cries or has minor outbursts because of the loss of his dad. But he didnt have to take meds. I am afraid they may tell me I need them. I do have a lot of emotionally outbursts, mostly temper related. I say shit evil and mean one minute and in the same breath, say I am sorry and show affection.
 

Tenks

Bronze Knight of the Realm
14,163
606
This thread is getting freaking strange and it wasn"t exactly a normal thread to begin with
 

Campari_foh

shitlord
0
0
Brad2770 said:
I dont know how to explain my opinion on shrinks any better. I know what my friend has said. It has, for the most part, helped him, but it doesnt change the fact he still cries or has minor outbursts because of the loss of his dad. But he didnt have to take meds. I am afraid they may tell me I need them. I do have a lot of emotionally outbursts, mostly temper related. I say shit evil and mean one minute and in the same breath, say I am sorry and show affection.
Psychiatrists can"t force you to take medicine. If that"s the only solution that they are offering you then just decline and walk away. Regardless, if that"s your concern you could just see a psychologist as opposed to a psychiatrist and not have to worry about them trying to prescribe you anything because they aren"t licensed to do so.