People like to act like it"s dating experience and that"s part of it, but I"d say most first relationships fail because of something called emotional maturity and the general lack of it when you do first start dating. I know plenty of people that barely dated at all until their 20s but had successful relationships (so far) because they weren"t both a couple of kids.
Girls who broke your heart thread
- Thread starter Aychamo BanBan
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Pretty much all the advice is spot on. I had plenty of time to look back on the relationship and see the parts that I made mistakes in. I do indeed have a ton of growing up to do, and in all honesty like I said I can"t blame her for not wanting to try anymore because she believes it will never change.
It isn"t her fault that she can"t see that for the first time she actually got through and I"m changing. I am going to continue to make the changes like I said not because I hold out any real hope of her recognizing them, but simply because I recognize the need for them and want to do it.
I have told her over the course of this breakup in as many different ways, including attempting to show her, that I really am still in love with her, that I made mistakes, and that I"m making changes.
Like all of you said I think to her right now it"s just words and she doesn"t want to believe it. So I"ve let her go, attempting to move on, all while making the changes to myself as a person.
I"d be lying if I said some part of me doesn"t hold out hope, but I guess it always will simply because I"m in love with the girl. However that isn"t the reason behind my actions. We"ll see what happens in the future I guess.
It isn"t her fault that she can"t see that for the first time she actually got through and I"m changing. I am going to continue to make the changes like I said not because I hold out any real hope of her recognizing them, but simply because I recognize the need for them and want to do it.
I have told her over the course of this breakup in as many different ways, including attempting to show her, that I really am still in love with her, that I made mistakes, and that I"m making changes.
Like all of you said I think to her right now it"s just words and she doesn"t want to believe it. So I"ve let her go, attempting to move on, all while making the changes to myself as a person.
I"d be lying if I said some part of me doesn"t hold out hope, but I guess it always will simply because I"m in love with the girl. However that isn"t the reason behind my actions. We"ll see what happens in the future I guess.
All you need is being a grown up. You need the right mental age. Usually you reach that state after your first relationship (with 16 or so most people are not grown up in their heads). Still, it has nothing to do with how many relationships you had. Previous relationships might help as previous experience always helps you improve. But it doesnt mean the first relationship is doomed to fail.Tenks said:
Actually I know quite some people who stayed together in their first relationship until now.
I think you"re right that it"s more about mental age. I didn"t realize how much I still needed to grow up in certain area"s of my life. Thought I knew it all, but it took losing her to actually make it sink in. Pretty gay that you gotta learn life lessons the hard way sometimes before they really sink in.
Like I said either way doesn"t really matter at this point since I"m going to grow up with / without her.
Like I said either way doesn"t really matter at this point since I"m going to grow up with / without her.
Jorren
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Mental/Emotional age is a big factor, but when it comes down to it try not to fuck up the friendship/relationship by freaking out on her.
I had a relationship semi-similar to that many years ago, we broke up. As much as we wanted to work things out we determined that we were better friends than a couple. We were young and really did not have a clue.
Zoom forward 20 years, we re-connected on FB, and while she lives in the North East she hooked me up with one of her friends that recently moved to town. I am now seeing her friend, and frankly she is one of the coolest chicks I have met in a decade.
The way we talk about our budding relationship is night and day compared to what we individually did 20 years ago. There is still mystery but there is so much less bullshit involved because we have been through the ringer again and again.
I had a relationship semi-similar to that many years ago, we broke up. As much as we wanted to work things out we determined that we were better friends than a couple. We were young and really did not have a clue.
Zoom forward 20 years, we re-connected on FB, and while she lives in the North East she hooked me up with one of her friends that recently moved to town. I am now seeing her friend, and frankly she is one of the coolest chicks I have met in a decade.
The way we talk about our budding relationship is night and day compared to what we individually did 20 years ago. There is still mystery but there is so much less bullshit involved because we have been through the ringer again and again.
Ahh the friendship thing... See that is where I"m not sure I can do it. I"m still in love with her. We"ve been around our friends in the time we"ve been broken up and our friends tell me that she still has feelings for me from what they"ve seen (I"m usually pretty clueless when girls give signals like that though so I miss them). Does giving the girl space ever work out?
Jorren
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Take my advice with a grain of salt, obviously I am older and have never been married. I have had some kick ass relationships.Seths said:
Giving space can work for sure. It seems that you both are still in touch, so treat it all with kid gloves. Do your thing and sort your own shit out and do not throw it in her face. She will notice on her own, though it may take a bit. Keep in touch with her but don"t get clingy. As much of a bitch as it is, try to live life on your own.
My last great relationship, we moved from Chicago to Seattle. She hated Seattle and missed her family. She moved back to Chicago, then moved back to Seattle after a year cause we kept in touch and loved the hell out of each other. Ultimately it did not work out due to our lives going in vastly different directions.
tl;dr - don"t trip out and fuck it up for real
Edit: This might work. Once she is settled, and you get more confirmation from people that she seems to still dig you (though you may have enough at this point) ask her out on a date. Be really specific that it is a date, like a first date kind of thing but less like a bitch than this advice comes off as. If you go in like it is the first date it might spark things again.
Eomer
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Was good times. Not really sure what to make of it. During one of the intermissions she was talking about how she"s not down with partying all the time anymore. She was 21 when we first dated and 23 now, I laughed and said "welcome to your mid 20s." After the game we headed to a bar near our places because a friend of hers was going as well, and the conversation continued how she didn"t want to be a bar star anymore etc etc (friend wasn"t there for the first while, and when she was she was barely around us anyway). She also talked a bit about some dude she"d been messing around with a bit before she went traveling and how he"d gone a bit off the deep end when she did, him saying he missed her and so on. I was laughing inside because it felt vaguely familiar. *cough* She asked if I had been seeing anyone and I very briefly said I"d seen a couple girls over the past year but nothing particularly exciting.
As per usual, it was kind of annoying because every 5 minutes or less some dude she knew was coming up to chat with her, as she was indeed a bar star before and she used to bartend at the place we were at. Again she made some comments about a couple of the guys, how they"d turned in to puppy dogs following her around.
By about midnight we were both getting pretty tipsy (I"d played beerleague in the aft and was 4 deep before we"d even met up) and she didn"t want to get drunk, so I offered to give her a walk home for the whole 5 blocks. When we got to the corner across the street from her place I said I was sure she could take it from there, we had a hug, she said to "call her any time" and we parted ways. Within 3 minutes she texted me saying thanks and that she"d had the "best time" and that was about it.
Kinda regretting taking her, if only because it reminded me how much fun she is. I think I made you gentlemen proud by not doing anything particularly stupid, but mainly because there wasn"t a kimono handy nor time to write an essay :/.
They were never about the same thing. They would start by one of us snapping at the other for anything because we were in a bad mood at the time and devolve into the other snapping back and getting mad. Usually the actual fight lasted a few minutes before we"d stop talking and just be mad for a while. Not healthy, but we never called each other names, there was no screaming, just a few snapped words in raised voices followed by silence.Ronaan said:
Why was she facebook friends with your ex-friend? Even years after and even now when he began stalking her "again". If she didn"t like him, and didn"t appreciate the attention from him she would have deleted him ages ago.
She"s probably fucking him btw.
She"s probably fucking him btw.
Maybe. He"s in London now so that would be kinda hard but its highly possible she was before he left, though she wouldn"t do that while we were together. All the more reason to end it so she could do that.
Then again you never know and she might not. Cant live your life based on hypothetical situations, you"ll just worry yourself into knots.
Then again you never know and she might not. Cant live your life based on hypothetical situations, you"ll just worry yourself into knots.
I"m not too sure... Unless he instantly responded to her text asking her out to the next 5 hockey games, I think he has done us proud.Tenks said:
If you take her hints, Eomer, it will be interesting to see if she keeps on texting you unprovoked. Not too sure if you"re interested going back down that road, but if you are, it sounds like you"ll need to suppress your inner-kimono and just barely be available for her.
As always, keep us posted!
Sounds like she has matured enough to realise that most of the blokes she has been with have been douches who only cared about hitting that sweet honey (and I"m not entirely sure you aren"t part of this category also!). So maybe that slightly needy essay writer with the nice condo and money might be worth re-visiting. I"m looking forward to seeing how this plays out :0 I think you will find it very hard to resist this one if her advances continue! Did you dump her or did she dump you, I can"t remember...Eomer said:
Eomer
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We hadn"t been involved enough for there to be a "dumping", however she most definitely cut things off and it wasn"t a great ending in terms of possible future prospects. But we saw each other around over the past couple years and would chat friendly enough, never seemed awkward to me really.
I think she has grown up a lot. We talked about careers and friends settling down, that kind of thing. She"s going to a community college in January to upgrade her marks with a view to going in to nursing, moved out of her parents" place right after she got back from traveling, so on and so forth.
While I went in to it with no real expectation of rekindling anything, 6 hours of her company changed that, or at least reminded me that she"s fun to be around. Gonna give the paddle boat girl a call this afternoon as well, she"d agreed at least by text last week to meet up for a drink sometime this week, and it"ll be a good distraction. Hell, she might well be a cool chick as well, although she"s as much or more of the bar star type judging by her facebook pics.
Oh and yes I did respond to Chuck"s "best time" text while walking back to my place. Her text had said she had a good time despite the "dodgy donairs" we grabbed on the way home, I told her to keep her judgment until our digestive tracts had a chance to weigh in on things.
I think she has grown up a lot. We talked about careers and friends settling down, that kind of thing. She"s going to a community college in January to upgrade her marks with a view to going in to nursing, moved out of her parents" place right after she got back from traveling, so on and so forth.
While I went in to it with no real expectation of rekindling anything, 6 hours of her company changed that, or at least reminded me that she"s fun to be around. Gonna give the paddle boat girl a call this afternoon as well, she"d agreed at least by text last week to meet up for a drink sometime this week, and it"ll be a good distraction. Hell, she might well be a cool chick as well, although she"s as much or more of the bar star type judging by her facebook pics.
Oh and yes I did respond to Chuck"s "best time" text while walking back to my place. Her text had said she had a good time despite the "dodgy donairs" we grabbed on the way home, I told her to keep her judgment until our digestive tracts had a chance to weigh in on things.
Well of course it is, ski season"s only a month away mang!Tenks said:
So small update:
It"s been three months since the break up. She kept the picture of us on her desk for 2.5months and just took it down.
Nothing has gotten better for her personally. Ex-Hub is still an ass to her and the kids. The two teenagers are proving to be a handful for sure. Work"s gotten better, but other crap comes up. She"s had car troubles 4 times this year now that required some $$. So money is still tight for her and what not.
There"s been very little contact between us if it wasn"t work related. When she did take our picture down i knee jerk reacted and sent her a text. Said I still wanted her in my life, but it didn"t seem like that was an option for her.
I got a somewhat lengthy email from her about how things have probably gotten more hectic since June and not less.
I was intending to try and talk to her this month about second chances, but given the volatility have decided not too.
For whatever godforsaken reason or whatever is broken in me I"m still in love with her. It breaks my heart to hear what she"s going through knowing I can" help at all.
I"ve talked to her daughter a couple of times, and was explicitly clear to make sure the conversations didn"t stray to Mom. She"d pretty much reinforced the craziness of their family life.
I am moving offices at work, so the daily temptation for a walk by will be gone.
I don"t know what to do. Her birthday is coming up, and I would like to do something like a card and a bottle of Baily"s something she always liked. I just don"t know if it"s appropriate anymore.
Trying to let her go, just not having a very good go of it.