Camerous said:
I can"t make myself let her go. I go to bed every night wishing she was there and I wake up every morning reaching out for her.
She is still texting me. She will joke and kid around with me then she"ll stop talking all together for a couple days then go back to talking to me. She has apologized for the way she left me and has told some mutual friends of ours she is not happy without me but that she needs to work on herself right now... wtf/e that shit means.
I am just so sick and tired of hurting. I am not used to this and I find myself crying at odd times for no reason. I have talked to a counselor a couple times but it just makes me feel worse.
I am lost in a dark room with no way out. All I do is walk around and around looking for a non-existent exit.
Well I know you want to stop hurting, but the first thing you have to do is look at the pain from a different perspective. The pain is not the problem. Actually the pain is there to help you. It is there to tell you something you"re doing isn"t paying off.
Think of it like this:
Our mind, like our body, is an mechanism that has been shaped over the years by evolution. We feel pain in our body in order to keep us from doing dumb shit. When you touch a hot stove, you feel pain so that you pull away from it and keep yourself from doing more damage.
Depression (or just call it low mood) is the same thing but in a mental capacity. When we put resources into something (resources being: time, effort, energy, money, what ever we hold dear) and it is not "paying off", our mind goes into a depressive state. We becomes socially withdrawn, stop eating a much, sleep more, etc. These are all mechanisms your mind is using to help you conserve resources. It is your mind trying to help you pull away from something that is hurting you. In this case, what is hurting you is how she is treating you. It"s easy to see it as "the situation itself is hurting me" or "depression is what"s keeping me down" but it"s not. She is the root of it all and your mind is telling you "PULL AWAY FROM THE FUCKING STOVE".
Here is the thing about this mechanism, which was originally adapted to help keep us from wasting resources on things which only take advantage and yield no return... it wasn"t made to deal with the type of shit that we try to achieve. Now-a-days our biggest issue is that we only give ourselves one option. We want to be in love and rockstars and world changing globe trotters and when it doesn"t happen we attack our depression as the problem when it"s actually our goal that is the issue.
Your goal is to be with this woman. This woman that will not show you the same respect that you have shown her. This woman that will not put half as much effort to be with you as you will to be with her. This woman that is keeping you on a shelf for whenever she is feeling lonely and wants to know that you"re out there still wanting her. A woman that your mind is telling you "dude.. nothing that you went through has been good for you, we need to change goals." But your only goal right now is to be with her and changing that is the only way you will ever get out of this state. Your dark space is not the problem. It is triggered to help you find a solution.