Girls who broke your heart thread

Background: I live and work overseas and have been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years, and we"ve been living together for about a year in the apartment rented for me by my company. We met each other when I was in another city (her city) and a couple months later she came to my city. The original plan was for her to find a job here (as job prospects in smaller cities aren"t very great here, and I live in the capital) and then get her own place. In the meantime, she would stay with me. Obviously that never fully materialized. She got a job, but we continued living together cause it honestly was really nice.

At this moment she"s out, and I"m sitting here looking at plane tickets, seriously considering hopping on a plane before she comes home and dropping her and my job and returning to the states.

Let me explain:

Last night we went out with a some colleagues of mine, and two new, friends-of-friends showed up, who happened to be a married American guy and foreign girl. We"ve actually been talking about marriage in the future, so I was interested in this couple, because I thought they might have some insight into paperwork, visas, etc. so my colleagues and I were asking them questions about when, where they got married. At one point the guy asked my girlfriend and I if we were married, and I said no but that we were trying to get the paperwork in order to do it. After this I noticed my girlfriend was a lot quieter and not smiling much, which I figured was because she was tired after working all day, so we said good night and left.

As soon as we got on the street she flipped out about how the married couple were sitting and acting like they were better than her, and how they were laughing and mocking her because they were married but we aren"t, and that she"s a prostitute for living with me but not being married. I then made the biggest mistake in the history of mistakes by saying: "I didn"t see or feel any of that. On the contrary, they seem like a really nice couple." Then she accused me of not believing her, and how dare I defend this "bitch", this "slut", this "dirty monkey", and she even accused me of comparing her and this other girl, and suggested I preferred this other girl and wanted her more than my girlfriend.

If there is one thing I absolutely, 100% cannot stand in any people, let alone girls, is jealousy.

The argument continued pretty much all night, but I got her calmed down enough to the point where we were able to change the subject and talk normally and we went to sleep.

The next morning (today, Saturday), she woke me up and I noticed she was dressed for work, so obviously my first, immediate question was "Are you going to work?". Apparently this was the wrong thing to ask, because immediately she got pissed again, said I was cold and uncaring, and that all she wanted was for me to hug and kiss her when I woke up. I tried to explain to her that I asked a perfectly normal question, and I was a bit discombobulated having only just woken up, but she wouldn"t have any of it. There was lots of crying and arguing and then she went out to a pre-arranged appointment.

Just so you don"t think I"m jumping the gun by bailing on my work and her after one prolonged argument, here"s a bit more history.

A few days ago I came home from work and she was making dinner in the kitchen. I changed and then she asked me to wash the dishes in the sink. "Sure", I said. I often help her make dinner when I get home, I love to help out and I feel bad if she"s doing everything all the time. So I washed the dishes and I noticed her kind of looking at me, but I didn"t pay much attention to it. All through dinner she was practically silent, and I tried to keep normal conversation going, although at this time I realized something was up. Finally she exploded into a rant about how I don"t have to do something if I don"t want to, and that all she wants is a little help, and that she doesn"t force me to do things.

She claimed when I was washing the dishes I had an "unsatisfied" look on my face, and that for the past few days I had been walking around in the same fashion. I don"t know what the hell she"s talking about, as I"ve been my normal self. She started saying that I never help her in the house, but she does everything for me, and that if I don"t like it I can go try and find a better girl, etc. I tried to stay calm and reason with her, but eventually I just couldn"t take anymore of the nonsense and I started yelling too, and we had a massive argument. The whole next day she was incredibly apologetic, sending me texts telling me that she knows I do a lot for her and that she feels terrible about what she said.

We actually almost broke up almost a year ago, not too long after she came her. We had a huge argument, I don"t remember what about, but I remember it being similar to the above, and I told her I couldn"t be with her anymore, and said I was leaving. She begged and pleaded and when I didn"t back down she finally grabbed a knife from the kitchen, held it to her wrists, and said she"d kill herself if I left.

I got her to put down the knife and calm down a bit, but then she had some kind of huge panic attack, walked outside to get some fresh air, and then fainted (I was with her so I supported her), just as we got back into the apartment. She was laying on the floor barely breathing. It was really late at night so I banged on my neighbor"s door for help, and they called an ambulance and also helped keep her conscious with some smelling salts.

Needless to say we didn"t break up.

These panic attacks are the main reason I"m considering just hopping on a plane without telling anyone. Every time she gets stressed her heart starts to hurt and she cries and can barely breath. How can I break up with her when she"s literally dying in front of me?

Overall, I"m the first to admit I"m not perfect, but I really do try to make sure everything is good for her. When we argue I try to stay calm, but sometimes I can"t take it anymore and I yell, which she says scares her because her old boyfriend hit her once (although I"ve never even raised a hand to her).

But I"m living my life at the moment in fear: fear of saying or doing the wrong thing which will offend her or set her off, and fear of talking to or about the wrong people for fear of setting off her jealousy. The above-mentioned married couple, for example, are pretty much taboo now. I"d love to hang out with them and our other colleagues/friends again, but I know it wont" be possible.

But I really do love this girl, and every time I"m about to buy the ticket, I think of her coming home and seeing that me and my stuff are gone, and I picture her crying and calling her family to tell them the guy who said he"d help and support her left.

There really isn"t a point to this post, but I needed to vent some of this because I don"t know what to do.

She"s had tests done, and physically her heart seems to be fine. It"s all related to stress, and it almost only happens when she"s in a very stressful situation. It began, for example, when she was preparing for her Thesis defense at the end of her master"s degree a couple years ago.

One of the biggest problems is that she works as a psychologist/social worker (lol right?) and all day she sits and listens to people talk about awful things, or sees terrible situations and people and she absorbs it all and dwells on it and I think it really affects her badly. She"s by nature a very sensitive person, which on it"s own isn"t a bad thing, but it doesn"t go well with that kind of work.

Today I actually suggested she go to a different psychologist to talk and maybe relieve some of the stress and bad thoughts she has in her head, but she got mad and said I was calling her crazy.

I also told her she should quit her job and find something else that"s not as stressful (she worked in a kindergarten before, for example) but she said she won"t quit her job because finding a new one is very, very hard here (which is true).

I live in Kazakhstan, and she"s a native Russian.

*edit* Sometimes I think she"s a bit bi-polar or something, because she very quickly goes from laughing and smiling to silent and annoyed/angry due to simple things like people asking her a question she doesn"t like. No matter how much I suggest her talking to someone, she refuses because, "I"m a psychologist, if I need to improve myself, I"ll do it myself"

Sounds more likeBorderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

As soon as I started reading McCheese"s story I was like, yeah this bitch is Russian.

They"re all like that, high maintenance, borderline and totally psycho. I have no idea why. Death threats, suicide, crazy acts of violence ..wtf. Very focused on perceived status.

Don"t marry russian unless you"re russian is my advice. I"ve never seen anyone else know how to handle russian girls. They"re fucking nuts.

I vote get on the plane.

I"m guessing she has a built-in taboo against living together while unmarried that"s weighing on her.

But that bitch be crazy.

She is feeling insecure about something or other. She needs to see a shrink. If she doesn"t she"s going to keep getting worse.

And to what Dandai said, that"s sure as shit why I took Psych a long time ago. I was moderately bipolar, and knowing what it was did jack shit to help me fix it. That came from something entirely different later.

Bud... *sighs* You can put up with a lot of shit when you love someone but do yourself a favor. Get on the plane and leave. This stuff will only get worse until one of 3 things happens:

1) She leaves you
2) You find her in bed with another man
3) She goes crazy and kills you

None of the 3 above things is any good so go ahead and cut your ties now and run.

Awlbiste said:

I"m guessing she has a built-in taboo against living together while unmarried that"s weighing on her.

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I wouldn"t really call it a taboo but the norm for people. I have family in Estonia, which has a fairly large Russian population, that I visit and they do not have the same system/plan in the dating > marriage > kids situation. It seems that the majority of Russian couples do not have the same views on being together with someone for years (like its common in the US to be dating for 4-5+ years and not married) but they see the need for marriage and kids rather quickly to cement that "togetherness". When I visit, the amount of really young couples with kids that I see is incredible and completely different vs. anything here in the US.

Also do the plane to bailing the country strategy.

Out of curiosity why do you have to leave work AND her, can"t you just leave her? My ex had nearly the exact same issue, when she got stress she would have trouble breathing and claim her heart hurt. Numerous hospital visits, and all they ever prescribe is stress meds, never treat the cause (if there was one). Honestly, while I felt like I dick for leaving her, it was for the best. An unhealthy relationship was bad for both of us, me because I was unhappy, and her because it stressed her to the point that she had an episode 1-2 times a week.

Thanks for all the insights.

Sounds more like Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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Thanks for the link. I looked over it, and a lot of it does sound like her. Although she"s never done anything in extremes (doesn"t drink, doesn"t smoke, doesn"t really have any vices) and she"s never actually hurt herself or tried to hurt herself other than that one time threatening with the knife (although for me 1 time is enough).

I"m guessing she has a built-in taboo against living together while unmarried that"s weighing on her.

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Like Larseny mentioned about Estonia, the norm is to date for a couple months to a year at most, and then get married and begin having kids. It"s a cultural thing that I didn"t think would be a big deal, but it appears to have been eating her up inside. As evidenced in that story about my colleagues, she thinks everyone is judging her.

I actually lost a long-time, really good female friend because my girlfriend got angry that my friend asked about our wedding plans.

1) She leaves you
2) You find her in bed with another man
3) She goes crazy and kills you

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I"m actually only concerned about number 3. I am 200% sure she would never leave me or cheat on me, she"s incredibly devoted to me. In fact, it sometimes scares me a little. I went back to the States last April, and she was so devastated at our separation for 2.5 weeks that I felt terrible and had a pretty bad trip.

Out of curiosity why do you have to leave work AND her, can"t you just leave her? My ex had nearly the exact same issue, when she got stress she would have trouble breathing and claim her heart hurt. Numerous hospital visits, and all they ever prescribe is stress meds, never treat the cause (if there was one). Honestly, while I felt like I dick for leaving her, it was for the best. An unhealthy relationship was bad for both of us, me because I was unhappy, and her because it stressed her to the point that she had an episode 1-2 times a week.

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I think I mentioned in my original post that she"s from another city, so she literally has NO ONE here besides me. She left her family and friends and came here just for me. If we break up, where will she go? I can"t throw her onto the street. Every time we have even a moderate fight I am in fear that she is literally going to die in my apartment.

Additionally, I don"t really care much about my job. It"s just a shitty English teaching job so I wouldn"t regret leaving it.

Anyway, an update.

She spent all afternoon apologizing and going back to her normal, loving self. I"m trying to stay emotionally distant because this is exactly what always happens. Everything will be great for a couple weeks or months even, but then another situation will arise like with my colleagues, or I"ll say or do something completely innocent that will set her off and the cycle will repeat. She noticed how distant I"m being and she"s been crying/angry off-and-on all evening.

I found a flight that leaves Monday night at midnight. I finish work at 9:30, and I"m thinking I"ll bring a backpack with my valuables (camera, laptop, some clothes) to work and just go straight from work to the airport and fly out.

I just can"t help feeling like shit for even thinking about it. When she gets all loving and caring with me like she has been a lot today, I can"t bear the thought of just abandoning her. I"ve always prided myself on doing the "right" thing. I feel like a coward for just up and running, but I really see no other choice. I think about getting married to her and living the rest of my life in this rollercoaster of emotions, and being afraid to talk to my female friends, or go anywhere without her. I can"t live the next 50 years like that.

For example, one of my colleagues had a little party at her apartment a few months ago, and I wanted to go just to hang out for a bit and eat some food (she"s Indian, I wanted some nice spicy food). However, all of my colleagues are female, and my girlfriend didn"t want to go. She said I shouldn"t go without her because it would just be me and a bunch of females. I stood my ground and said I was going to go and that she was being ridiculous, but it led to a big argument. In the end I convinced her to go and we went together.

McCheese said:

Thanks for all the insights.



Thanks for the link. I looked over it, and a lot of it does sound like her. Although she"s never done anything in extremes (doesn"t drink, doesn"t smoke, doesn"t really have any vices) and she"s never actually hurt herself or tried to hurt herself other than that one time threatening with the knife (although for me 1 time is enough).



Like Larseny mentioned about Estonia, the norm is to date for a couple months to a year at most, and then get married and begin having kids. It"s a cultural thing that I didn"t think would be a big deal, but it appears to have been eating her up inside. As evidenced in that story about my colleagues, she thinks everyone is judging her.

I actually lost a long-time, really good female friend because my girlfriend got angry that my friend asked about our wedding plans.



I"m actually only concerned about number 3. I am 200% sure she would never leave me or cheat on me, she"s incredibly devoted to me. In fact, it sometimes scares me a little. I went back to the States last April, and she was so devastated at our separation for 2.5 weeks that I felt terrible and had a pretty bad trip.



I think I mentioned in my original post that she"s from another city, so she literally has NO ONE here besides me. She left her family and friends and came here just for me. If we break up, where will she go? I can"t throw her onto the street. Every time we have even a moderate fight I am in fear that she is literally going to die in my apartment.

Additionally, I don"t really care much about my job. It"s just a shitty English teaching job so I wouldn"t regret leaving it.

Anyway, an update.

She spent all afternoon apologizing and going back to her normal, loving self. I"m trying to stay emotionally distant because this is exactly what always happens. Everything will be great for a couple weeks or months even, but then another situation will arise like with my colleagues, or I"ll say or do something completely innocent that will set her off and the cycle will repeat. She noticed how distant I"m being and she"s been crying/angry off-and-on all evening.

I found a flight that leaves Monday night at midnight. I finish work at 9:30, and I"m thinking I"ll bring a backpack with my valuables (camera, laptop, some clothes) to work and just go straight from work to the airport and fly out.

I just can"t help feeling like shit for even thinking about it. When she gets all loving and caring with me like she has been a lot today, I can"t bear the thought of just abandoning her. I"ve always prided myself on doing the "right" thing. I feel like a coward for just up and running, but I really see no other choice. I think about getting married to her and living the rest of my life in this rollercoaster of emotions, and being afraid to talk to my female friends, or go anywhere without her. I can"t live the next 50 years like that.

For example, one of my colleagues had a little party at her apartment a few months ago, and I wanted to go just to hang out for a bit and eat some food (she"s Indian, I wanted some nice spicy food). However, all of my colleagues are female, and my girlfriend didn"t want to go. She said I shouldn"t go without her because it would just be me and a bunch of females. I stood my ground and said I was going to go and that she was being ridiculous, but it led to a big argument. In the end I convinced her to go and we went together.

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what about the rest of your stuff? ship it home?

i mean is there a way to just wait a week and gradually take stuff to work with you and ship it back to the states somewhere (friend/relative) so you"re not leaving a ton of shit there?

or do you not have a ton of shit over there that you care about taking back?

The more you tell us about it the more I want to scream "FLEE!" at you. I"m hoping you don"t really have a bunch of shit you care about there. This lady sounds like she is straight up ruining your life, and I"m not even saying that in a melodramatic way.

Do you know a phone number for her family? Call them up after you are safely in the airport all ready to go and let them know she might do something insane because you left her. Then at least you don"t have to feel guilty or anything.

I don"t understand how you guys end up in relationships with such blatantly jealous women. Out of any typical batshit-lady-trope, the jealousy is usually the one always seated in deep insecurity and control issues.

All for working out your issues because of a woman having redeeming qualities, but I can"t think of a single jealous/needy girl that I went to school with/grew up with/hung out with that ""grew out"" of being a nutcase. It"s for life.

Just to play devil"s advocate...

Aside from the "I"d kill myself if you left me" thing it just sounds like a pretty normal girl who doesn"t know how to behave. Redundant I know but you get the point. It also sounds like she later realizes she was wrong instead of being an obstinate shithead.

Women freak out about stupid/random shit. That"s how women operate. Any married guy will tell you this. It"s not because she"s Russian or because of a cultural thing. It"s because she"s a woman and women don"t know better. They"re like children.

And there are two ways to deal with children. You spare the rod and simply ignore them till they grow up which is what I do with my wife when she pitches a fit about me hiding a cup that doesn"t exist just to annoy her (and later apologizes for with cookies and blowjob).

Or you smack them. See the "would you smack a bitch" thread for advice.

So if you decide to stay, when she"s in a mood I would suggest either keeping your mouth shut (a 3 hour argument turns into a 7 minute rant this way that she"ll later apologize for if she"s worth keeping). Or just let the broad side of a phone book upside the head do the talking.

There are some behaviors you"d need to correct like her throwing a tantrum every time you want to go out but for the most part it seems salvageable if you still love her. IF it"s turning you into an emotional wreck though, learn from the experience and move on.

Zehn - Vhex said:

Just to play devil"s advocate...

Aside from the "I"d kill myself if you left me" thing it just sounds like a pretty normal girl who doesn"t know how to behave.

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Edit: Bleeeeeh, misread. But I still have my vote in the ""Get the fuck away from here and never go back"" camp.