Jupiter Ascending (2015)

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PosterOfStuff_sl

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Wow what a missed opportunity that movie was. The movie seemed to have taken ideas from Dune/MIB/Hitch Hikers and then just failed at executing that.

Not as bad as BC 10,000 though, which this movie reminded me of as it was also a missed opportunity and tried to merge several other movies into the one, except failed harder.
 
spronk

spronk

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bluray rips are out. i went in with exceedingly low expectations, and the movie sorta met them. the world building and backstory was interesting and kinda cool, but the movie execution was pretty awful. i think it pretty much seals the wachowski's as a one hit wonder team (matrix), sens8 debut's on netflix june 5th and I expect that to be quite terrible too now.

and man what a shitty ending
i'm back to cleaning toilets, at least i own the earth now. unless someone kills me and then it gets harvested by MegaCorp. oh i haven't done anything to stop the harvesting of billions of other humans, but at least i have a flying elf retard for a boyfriend now.

seriously the lack of a single person saying "hey... maybe we shouldn't let space vampires live forever off harvested spice" was weird.

worth a watch if you like big ass space opera scifi / B-movie camp scifi, its a weird mish mash of stupid ideas and insanely high production values.
 
Leadsalad

Leadsalad

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Her becoming the owner of earth, showing up back to earth with the space police to check on her parents, finds them kidnapped and the bad guy's henchman there, space police inform the henchman that he's broken the law, he waves them off verbally so they do nothing about the crime right in front of their faces, she agrees to go with evil henchmen to trade the earth for her family so that they can all be harvested together instead of letting no one get harvested, space police do nothing about this whole situation, then she wises up while in evil man's lair and decides to think for herself for 2 nanoseconds and turns down handing over her planet... wat?

This whole thing just made me rage for the 20 minutes it was happening.
 
Lanx

Lanx

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we're not the target audience, unless you're a tween that likes twilight

Jupiter Ascending is the Sci-Fi movie women were waiting for

Why women love

?Jupiter Ascending? took the road less traveled, into the wish-fulfillment of prepubescent girls. Around half an hour into the film, Channing Tatum despondently regales Mila Kunis with his life story ? he is the orphaned half-albino runt of a space werewolf litter forced to use anti-gravity rollerblades to fly because his bionic wings were stripped when he was dishonorably discharged from the space military ? and something magical happens. Every woman who ever wrote herself into her favorite universe via fanfic, every girl who created an amnesiac elven vampire princess and role-played in a chat room, every chick who ever wanted a blaster by her side and a submissive werewolf boyfriend at her back, every one of them whispered, ?Finally. It is our time.?
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spronk

spronk

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next wachowski project, sens8 debuts on netflix on june 8th. does not look good


and that makes a lot more sense about JA if its aimed at chicks, although mila kunis pretty much does nothing for most of the movie so kinda odd
 
Lanx

Lanx

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spronk_sl said:
and that makes a lot more sense about JA if its aimed at chicks, although mila kunis pretty much does nothing for most of the movie so kinda odd
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girlfriend, did you see how many costume changes she has? isn't she in like 3 red carpet dresses and a wedding gown? she's just there to change outfits (b/c there is zero character growth, and from the articles, that's how it should be). She goes from a cinderella toilet scrubber to flannel to 3 dresses and a gown. Actually, her "space family" kidnapping her one by one is just a thinly veiled attempt to force a story on why she has to change outfits every 20mins.
 
Void

Void

Experiencer
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This movie was terrible, but the thing that made me rage the most was the main bad guy, the whispering fuck. Jesus I wanted to punch him in the face every goddamn time he appeared on screen. I feel like the movie might have been remotely tolerable if not for him. I'm wrong about that, but that's how badly I wanted to kill him, where all the rest of the terribleness was overshadowed by him alone.
 
Gavinmad

Gavinmad

Mr. Poopybutthole
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Everything about this movie was bad. Some movies like this, it's a bunch of good pieces that are just put together poorly and it ruins what could have been a good movie. This was a bunch of bad pieces that were put together poorly which took a bad movie and turned it into an impressively terrible movie.

Has there ever been a bad movie that Sean Bean died in? Because I'm thinking him surviving the movie is a death sentence to the quality of the film.
 
Lanx

Lanx

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Didn't Sean Bean betray tatum and kunis b/c his daughter was sick? why not just work for the future super queen kunis? wtf, you really are not allowed to give thought to this movie to enjoy it, maybe mute it, cuz it is very pretty.
 
ohkcrlho

ohkcrlho

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Gavinmad_sl said:
Everything about this movie was bad. Some movies like this, it's a bunch of good pieces that are just put together poorly and it ruins what could have been a good movie. This was a bunch of bad pieces that were put together poorly which took a bad movie and turned it into an impressively terrible movie.

Has there ever been a bad movie that Sean Bean died in? Because I'm thinking him surviving the movie is a death sentence to the quality of the film.
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Troy - fuckin awful
Flightplan - Bad
Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief - didn't see it but from what i read, it's bad
National treasure - bad
Silent Hill - meh....
Silent Hill: Revelation - Atrocious

this is what i remember
 
ohkcrlho

ohkcrlho

Silver Baronet of the Realm
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Gavinmad_sl said:
Are those all movies he survived? Because I might be on to something here.
Click to expand...
R.I.P.
Airborne - bye bye Toombs
Caravaggio - Rannuccio gets his throat slashed
Clarissa - Lovelace is skewered by Sean Pertwee
Don't Say a Word - Patrick Koster is buried alive
Equilibrium - Death by Poetry - Partridge is blasted away by Christian Bale while reading Yeats
Essex Boys - Jason Locke meets a nasty end in a Range Rover
Far North - Loki is frozen. Naked. In the snow. A chilling end if there ever was one.
The Field - the infamous Death by Cow - Tadgh falls over a cliff, pursued by a herd of stampeding cows
GoldenEye - Alec Trevelyan falls a long way down and is crushed by a satellite dish thing
Henry VIII - Robert Aske meets a gruesome end
The Island - Death by Clone. Merrick is shot in the throat by a nasty grabber thingy with a sharp
hook and a cable that gets wrapped around his neck, and while he's struggling with Lincoln
Six-Echo, the catwalk they're on collapses, and Merrick ends up dangling by the neck. Currently
the most creative dispatch of Sean's career. Definitely well hung.
The Lord of the Rings (The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, The Return of the King) - Death
by Orc. Boromir. Arrows. Need I say more?
Lorna Doone - Carver Doone drowns
Outlaw - Dead Dead Dead. Was there ever any question? Dead.
Patriot Games - Sean Miller is beaten up, boathooked and finally blown up by Harrison Ford
Scarlett - Lord Fenton is dispatched
Tell Me That You Love Me - Gabriel Lewis is stabbed by Laura. Or he stabs himself. We're not
quite sure about this one, actually.
The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion - Death by summoning a god's avatar. Martin Septim (the son of the Emperor, aka The Lost Heir) meets his X-Box end when he attempts to save the world.
The Hitcher - Surely you jest. You need to ask? (There were two different versions filmed. He dies
in both of them.)
War Requiem - The German Soldier dies, but returns in the afterlife


He lives!
(Leo Tolstoy's) Anna Karenina
A Woman's Guide to Adultery
The Big Empty
The Bill
Black Beauty
Bravo Two Zero
Exploits at West Poley
Extremely Dangerous
Faceless
The Fifteen Streets
Flightplan
Fool's Gold
How to Get Ahead in Advertising
In the Border Country
Inspector Morse: Absolute Conviction
Jacob
Lady Chatterley
The Loser
My Kingdom for a Horse
National Treasure (But only because of a rewrite. In an early version
of the the script Ian Howe got eaten by alligators in the subways of
New York. Really. Honest. I wouldn't lie to you. I wouldn't.)
North Country
Percy Jackson (Zeus is more or less an immortal so death seems a bit
redundant, really...)
The Practice
Pride
Prince
Punters
Ronin
Samson & Delilah
Sharpe (14 films)
Sharpe's Challenge
Shopping
Silent Hill
Small Zones
Stormy Monday
Tom & Thomas
Troubles
The Canterbury Tales - The Nun's Priest's Tale
The Dark
The True Bride
The Vicar of Dibley
Troy
Wedded
When Saturday Comes
Windprints
Winter Flight

fromhttp://www.compleatseanbean.com/deathbycow.html
Last Update: 28 March 2009
 
ronne

ronne

Nǐ hǎo, yǒu jīn zi ma?
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Oh shit, Gavin has cracked it. With the exception of Ronin everything on the lives list is either trash or no one cares about it.
 
Gavinmad

Gavinmad

Mr. Poopybutthole
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ohkcrlho_sl said:
well..pay attention to end of the video. Gavin did it first ahah
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I'M A GENIUS

rrr_img_98094.jpg
 
Lanx

Lanx

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Production Budget: $176 million
Worldwide: $181,887,723

i hope this means the shit-chowskis are M, knighted into dog shit no studio will back.
 
TrollfaceDeux

TrollfaceDeux

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I watched it again a week ago and it was A LOT better than first viewing.

Like almost enjoyable.

Minus Milas Kunis. Fucking Meg on Movie set.
 
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