Marriage and the Power of Divorce

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Deathwing

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Functioning alcoholic is going to be a tough battle to overcome, in terms of custody.
 

TJT

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It's not going to be easy. But don't get strung along here mate.

You've turned your life around pretty well from what you said. Just keep going in that good direction without someone who cheats on you.
 
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Noodleface

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My scenario has been rapidly deteriorating over the last couple years, more specifically the last 4 months. I hit rock button as a functional alcoholic. It was just work, drink, video games. I got fat, and overall became a self-loathing POS. Wife wanted a divorce. It was a wake-up call and I immediately stopped drinking and honestly 180'd my life around pretty hardcore. Much more time with the kids, calmed the tits off my sex drive substantially which was causing a problem, I cook/clean/do all the weekend shit as my wife and I have separate schedules (My weekend sat sun, vs her weekend weds/thurs). We basically became roommates sleeping in other beds, but not the drag out shout matches you would expect from your stereotypical couple. I'm down about 50 pounds, stopped snoring. We sleep in the same bed, sex life is obviously good for her but its really laissez faire for me but I put on a good show. Literally the only woman I've slept with. I am one of those people...


Wife, 3 kids (2 are mine, one step (around since young baby)). I'm about to turn 33, her 39. She pulls in about 35k over me (100K vs 65K + my free healthcare).


I've been sober a solid 6 month. In my sobriety I discovered her long-term affair. The affair must have been pretty obvious before, even to outsiders who have raised some eyebrows, but it just cements with me what has been going on with a previous coworker and all those red flags that come rushing back in hindsight. The confrontation was your atypical bullshit - how could, etc etc, we'll fix it through counseling. All the usual BS. I think she expecting me to just leave the marriage entirely because infidelity has always been a red line for me to the point of having a prenuptial citing for it. I guess red line is a bad choice of words considering the current situation.

She was my first love, she still acts like she loves me, but obviously wants to sit on the fence with coworker #1. We basically stopped counseling because no reasonable adult can put up with this kind of shit and I've finally given her the ultimatum of having the self-respect to stop dragging around with her words then do the most hurtful possible thing with her actions. Before I was afraid to "push her away", but honestly my feelings have pretty much moving towards a "relief" category where I am finally coming to terms with what the fuck is actually going on. What baffles me, is I've helped more than one person in a similar situation...but I keep opening up my stupid ass heart to be crushed again.

Basically I'm afraid of losing my kids (even on a 50/50 joint custody situation). I have to reserve the right I cannot be apart of the step kid's life pretty much at all anymore without willing participation. I just went through the process of buying our "semi-forever" home in a good district and honestly, it feels like my wife was setting this up for awhile. Really doesn't anger me, but I was the bread winner for 8/10 years we've been together and she recently landed herself a pretty badass job.


I feel like I'm at a standstill where I want her to tell me she wants out of the marriage with her words, not this passive aggressive BS. In the past 120 days shes either lied to me about contacting the guy or outright going on a date with him 3 times. Its obvious her actions are telling me a story, but she keeps stringing me along with her words.


Flame me, validate me. Fuck -- I don't care, just give me another perspective because I feel insanely manipulated over here. I am basically filling my days with work, gym, and family time and feel like I'm walking with dystopian glasses on. We literally just had a 6 day vacation together and had a pretty damn good time across 2 states / theme parks. Sex, holding hands etc the entire time...to only find out she literally went on a date with the same guy the week before. Like, the anger is pretty much subsided and I feel like I just married a dud that instead of wanting to grow with me, its just a fuck-it-all and throw it all away attitude.




Whats the best way to protect my time with my two biological kids in this situation?

Is this marriage even worth saving?
Talk to a lawyer and leave
 

Kirun

<Bronze Donator>
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My scenario has been rapidly deteriorating over the last couple years, more specifically the last 4 months. I hit rock button as a functional alcoholic. It was just work, drink, video games. I got fat, and overall became a self-loathing POS. Wife wanted a divorce. It was a wake-up call and I immediately stopped drinking and honestly 180'd my life around pretty hardcore. Much more time with the kids, calmed the tits off my sex drive substantially which was causing a problem, I cook/clean/do all the weekend shit as my wife and I have separate schedules (My weekend sat sun, vs her weekend weds/thurs). We basically became roommates sleeping in other beds, but not the drag out shout matches you would expect from your stereotypical couple. I'm down about 50 pounds, stopped snoring. We sleep in the same bed, sex life is obviously good for her but its really laissez faire for me but I put on a good show. Literally the only woman I've slept with. I am one of those people...


Wife, 3 kids (2 are mine, one step (around since young baby)). I'm about to turn 33, her 39. She pulls in about 35k over me (100K vs 65K + my free healthcare).


I've been sober a solid 6 month. In my sobriety I discovered her long-term affair. The affair must have been pretty obvious before, even to outsiders who have raised some eyebrows, but it just cements with me what has been going on with a previous coworker and all those red flags that come rushing back in hindsight. The confrontation was your atypical bullshit - how could, etc etc, we'll fix it through counseling. All the usual BS. I think she expecting me to just leave the marriage entirely because infidelity has always been a red line for me to the point of having a prenuptial citing for it. I guess red line is a bad choice of words considering the current situation.

She was my first love, she still acts like she loves me, but obviously wants to sit on the fence with coworker #1. We basically stopped counseling because no reasonable adult can put up with this kind of shit and I've finally given her the ultimatum of having the self-respect to stop dragging around with her words then do the most hurtful possible thing with her actions. Before I was afraid to "push her away", but honestly my feelings have pretty much moving towards a "relief" category where I am finally coming to terms with what the fuck is actually going on. What baffles me, is I've helped more than one person in a similar situation...but I keep opening up my stupid ass heart to be crushed again.

Basically I'm afraid of losing my kids (even on a 50/50 joint custody situation). I have to reserve the right I cannot be apart of the step kid's life pretty much at all anymore without willing participation. I just went through the process of buying our "semi-forever" home in a good district and honestly, it feels like my wife was setting this up for awhile. Really doesn't anger me, but I was the bread winner for 8/10 years we've been together and she recently landed herself a pretty badass job.


I feel like I'm at a standstill where I want her to tell me she wants out of the marriage with her words, not this passive aggressive BS. In the past 120 days shes either lied to me about contacting the guy or outright going on a date with him 3 times. Its obvious her actions are telling me a story, but she keeps stringing me along with her words.


Flame me, validate me. Fuck -- I don't care, just give me another perspective because I feel insanely manipulated over here. I am basically filling my days with work, gym, and family time and feel like I'm walking with dystopian glasses on. We literally just had a 6 day vacation together and had a pretty damn good time across 2 states / theme parks. Sex, holding hands etc the entire time...to only find out she literally went on a date with the same guy the week before. Like, the anger is pretty much subsided and I feel like I just married a dud that instead of wanting to grow with me, its just a fuck-it-all and throw it all away attitude.




Whats the best way to protect my time with my two biological kids in this situation?

Is this marriage even worth saving?

Behavior is the only true measure of motivation and intent. And her behavior speaks volumes to both her motivations and her intent. She's screaming, "BREAK UP WITH ME!!", even if she isn't stating it overtly.

Her subconscious brain wants her assessment of you as a beta male to play out in the form of YOU breaking up with her, as a justification for her actions. If she breaks up with you (she wants to), it's going to be harder in her mind and social circles to "justify" her behavior. If you're the one to pull that ripcord, it becomes vastly easier for her brain to rationalize it all away.

Lawyer up and GTFO. This will never get better and you're just mentally exhausting/torturing yourself by staying in this sham of a marriage.
 

SeanDoe1z1

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pretty strong reactions and about what I thought. i'm trying to save a marriage for the kids and that is normally what, like sub 1% of ever working out?

Failure as an adult. If she wanted to continue an open affair and there wasn't her bio kid involved, i would greatly say to her to GTFO and hope the order sides with me...but I can't imagine any judge saying to the adulterer to move out and take your bio kid (my step kid) with you, leaving your other two without their sister...but what do I know. I know that legal distinction is set in stone and the best interest of the kids will win.

I'm just a fool who wants to believe the person he spent the last 10 years of his life with and pretend it wasn't a sham from the start.


All things considered I will put myself in a better position / find a better partner. I can't get over my kids though and not trying to make this work. FFS she is a shitty mom to begin with and I am not blowing smoke up my own ass on this one. I truly mean it and it breaks my fucking hard I put myself in a position to be so fucked. I will be fine, I don't know how the fuck my kids come out of this one undamaged.
 
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LachiusTZ

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Fuck it, I'll go the other way.

Have two more kids with her (get DNA tests), sterilize her, get all her shit documented, and make her sign off on you finding a really young girlfriend.

Get the side chick pregnant and say "oops"
 
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SeanDoe1z1

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I had no question about my first child, but I did bio test my last kid because that coworker was around. And I'm the dad.

I honestly believe her that nothing physical happened until this year because shes fucking terrible at hiding anything and it was the time the money was split. Again, that doesn't mean she wasn't "cheating" before hand. She obviously was going over the line and kept waiving it off as friends.
 
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SeanDoe1z1

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Fuck it, I'll go the other way.

Have two more kids with her (get DNA tests), sterilize her, get all her shit documented, and make her sign off on you finding a really young girlfriend.

Get the side chick pregnant and say "oops"

Like I said, I'm 32 and feel like I woke up from a bad nightmare and have all the motivation / drive to be the person I was/am. I am not worried about pulling in a decent chick. That part excites me, but I won't stoop to my partners level and do it without a divorce, or at least separation papers.


Shes buying herself tits in December. Writing has been on the wall for awhile, I just didn't realize someone could be so selfish and shallow. It feels like some mid life crisis except shes burning everyone in her fucking life. Honestly I just want to cut my losses and move 5mins from work in a 1bedroom 6month lease and don't stop until I pull in the job / location I want...but I know that is probably the worst advice ever and the better I tolerate this random purgatory the better I set myself/kids up to be in my life as much as possible.
 

Hoss

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infidelity has always been a red line for me to the point of having a prenuptial citing for it.

What does that mean? What does the pre-nup say about infidelity? I mean, it sounds like you have nothing to worry about regarding the kids as long as you can prove it. Don't forget to get alimoney. After all, you've become accustomed to the lifestyle she provides.

leaving your other two without their sister...

Did you adopt the step child? If yes, then no worries. She should be treated the same as the bio kids. If not, then good luck getting her.
 

LachiusTZ

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Don't forget to get alimoney. After all, you've become accustomed to the lifestyle she provides.

source.gif
 

Noodleface

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pretty strong reactions and about what I thought. i'm trying to save a marriage for the kids and that is normally what, like sub 1% of ever working out?

Failure as an adult. If she wanted to continue an open affair and there wasn't her bio kid involved, i would greatly say to her to GTFO and hope the order sides with me...but I can't imagine any judge saying to the adulterer to move out and take your bio kid (my step kid) with you, leaving your other two without their sister...but what do I know. I know that legal distinction is set in stone and the best interest of the kids will win.

I'm just a fool who wants to believe the person he spent the last 10 years of his life with and pretend it wasn't a sham from the start.


All things considered I will put myself in a better position / find a better partner. I can't get over my kids though and not trying to make this work. FFS she is a shitty mom to begin with and I am not blowing smoke up my own ass on this one. I truly mean it and it breaks my fucking hard I put myself in a position to be so fucked. I will be fine, I don't know how the fuck my kids come out of this one undamaged.
As a child of divorce, honestly don't worry about it. As much as it will suck for a couple years your kids will understand in the end. Just try to be a good dad.
 

Gavinmad

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I mean, you were hardly a saint and I don't entirely blame her for stepping out if you went through a 'disgusting drunken slob' phase. Be sure you aren't unfairly vilifying her in your own mind because you're so pissed about the affair.

If you care about seeing your kids, I'd try to salvage your marriage because I guarantee the family courts will fucking obliterate you.
 
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fris

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don't leave

talk to a lawyer, but i agree you don't tell her. find out the laws in your state. she may owe you alimony. there may also be a 'dog law' that means because the relationship fell apart because of her actions (cheating), you are entitled to more of the joint property.

you say functional alcoholic, anything that can be brought up in court? DUI, cops ever called? any co-friends that can testify to either being a better parent?

continue being the best father you can. being a dad to a step kid will look good in court too.


agreed the relationship is over. focus on setting yourself up to be the best #divorceddad that you can be.
 

Hosix

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As a child of divorce, honestly don't worry about it. As much as it will suck for a couple years your kids will understand in the end. Just try to be a good dad.

Pretty much this.

Get a attorney and get this ball rolling.

Kids adjust to this stuff as long as you work hard at your relationship with them. Be a good dad. Be the parent that does projects, presentations and shit like that. Go to any school event! Even the ones not on your days.
 

Foler

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What shitty behaviour? What bad choices?

Yeah, she's got a BF. But she still wants to spend time with me, go to parties, film for OF and go on holiday. That's not my problem, it's hers/his.

She said she "placated him" by saying she needs me for the content and I help her with other stuff, eg correcting her English mistakes on her video descriptions. I have no idea how true that is, but I can't imagine him being ok with it - hence why I was sceptical about going the party in the first place.



She's a friend and she's in a shitty situation. It's not like they disagree over what colour to paint the walls.




I've said she's a psycho, common consensus is they're both fucked up. That doesn't excuse his violence





It won't happen because she has the largest BDSM playspace in her country.

And she doesn't live in Germany, that was just one place where we met up to party. She was on tour there
Wait a min. You do onlyfans with her? This just keeps getting better.
 

SeanDoe1z1

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What does that mean? What does the pre-nup say about infidelity? I mean, it sounds like you have nothing to worry about regarding the kids as long as you can prove it. Don't forget to get alimoney. After all, you've become accustomed to the lifestyle she provides.



Did you adopt the step child? If yes, then no worries. She should be treated the same as the bio kids. If not, then good luck getting her.

Came pretty close to adoption (drafted) but the bio dad backed out. It is her/his kid and will remain that way. I am merely the supporting actor. Doesn’t make it hurt any less. Always post 18 if it goes that route. I treat her the same as my other kids and have no delusions about the current situation.

The prenup thing was a stupid 20 something I thought I needed to protect myself. It was merely to keep her college loans off me if we separated due to infidelity. It’s basically a non factor at this point. I honestly don’t even know how well it would hold up in my situation. Kids were not a thought at that point.

I never had alcohol related problems with US law or work, was just a pos father/husband from 17-2020. I readily admit I relied heavily on escapism / drugs and used it as an excuse while I transitioned out of the military. I blamed a lot of people / situations for my inability to succeed in life. It took rock bottom (losing kids) to wake up. My own fault and I am embarrassed at how weak I was to not recognize the future outcome

I’m not trying to vilify her either, she literally admitted to having sex with this guy two weeks ago. We just had a conversation and wants to “move forward” for the kids. I mean it’s really fucking with my brain and I’m starting to think I’m the crazy one but by definition, do the same thing...expecting different results. Like the same type of “relationship” talk we have after I find out she’s continuing everything...but this time is suppose to be “real”

It honestly feels like more bullshit manipulation even if she appears genuine. I never recorded anything. It’s all admission.