Breaking this into 2 posts because that was getting kinda too chained.
Kids are ALWAYS better off with two "separate" sets of parents who are living happy lives vs. 1 set of parents who are fucking miserable.
I agree, prior to last week though we were 100% fine. Our relationship was "Perfect" for most intents. sure we argued, we talked, we debated things, honest to god before this started it was a normal week. Our kids are amazing, they aren't being neglected, my eldest just came back from a LONG getaway with the grandparents and they were AMAZED at how well he did and even more-so at the compliments he got for being so polite and helpful around their other guests.
You can't negotiate desire, dude. It only every leads to obligated compliance.
Enjoy being a cuck and constantly having a seed in the back of your head every time she takes her phone to the bathroom, goes out for hours, etc. That's no way to live and you're FAR better off ripping this bandaid off now, but you go ahead and create more misery for yourself, it's your life. Your kids will be fine, but dragging them through future, inevitable drama is only going to make shit worse for them.
To a degree, I agree. This is why I have saught the compliance to the list I put below AND I will demand compliance til all of the rest are underway (takes time to set up appointments).
I am giving it time, if I maintain that I cannot trust her and constantly am i the middle of anxiety / depression. I'm done. In the scope of things, this isn't the worst in life that has happened to me. I made it through those times and I can make it through these. To my own credit, I only put a hole in ONE wall this past week.
As for being a cuck, I dunno man that's pretty harsh. My wife came with her protective seal still in-tact. The thing about this that hurt the most wasn't her sending pics it was her going behind my back. Do I appreciate her sending the pics? Fuck no I don't, but to insinuate that if i don't kick it to the curb I'm cucking out is a bit much. I will give her the tools she needs to succeed or hang herself because of that I will sleep better in the belief that I did what I thought was best. Walk softly and carry a big stick and all.
So these stories… Are we talking swingers shit? Like she’s interested in swinging?
Your wife wanted you to find out about this. For whatever reason. She engaged you and asked you to tell stories about this other guy? That's very strange.
Either she wanted to be caught because she felt guilty, which can be something salvageable.
Or she wanted you to know because she wanted to exert power over you. Which is unsalvageable.
You need to figure out what the reasoning is.
Foler, amongst other things, yes.
EDIT: For the sake of being more transparent, it is common for me to show her naked girls (Reddit, FSR, ect...). It has always been in a, "Do you like X part of her?" style setting. I'm not jerking it to any of them, it's mainly like looking at a pretty landscape. I SHOULD likely ask her how she feels about this, MY guess is she doesn't care.
This singular point as well as her just not having common sense gives me reason to believe that she is as serious as can expect when she talks about how she wanted to include me BUT other comments she made during the exchange draw that into question. I'm not even joking about the common sense thing, she does things that just defy rational thought sometimes. Not stupid mind you, just without common sense.
As for the guilt vs power thought, I would say it's neither. Her intent was likely to just let it all stop. When I asked WHY she continued even past the point of me giving her warnings about this shit breaking relationships and that imagination should stay in the realm of imagination was that he was so pushy. A guy...on the internet...was pushy. My wife is ultra beta. Maybe that is too trusting of me but the reality is that, aside from this indecent, she is TERRIBLE at lying. Not telling me thigs? Sure, she's decent at that but this relationship was found out after a week. (Phone records and DM's prove it.)
You gotta go bang some hottie now to get even. Then when you bring it up, she can bring up the slut you fucked.
Confused. Did you say this or not? You should say this. I bet she doesn't have that oh yeah moment. She's probably in full on defensive mode and she will do nothing but shut down and deny that she did anything wrong as long as she's defensive. This is human nature not anything specific to your wife. It's a bad sign that she didn't voluntarily cut him off completely right away. She tried to hide it so she knows she was wrong.
A while ago, while playing WoW, I was getting all the green lights from this one girl we were playing with. All the conversations would start calmly enough and then it would end up just being us in the discord at the end of the night then it would shift sexual and I would show myself the door shortly after. After a few weeks of that, a buddy of mine was in there while it happened and when I showed myself the door, she continued on with him. It ended up putting a pretty damn big rift in our group of friends.
I reminded my wife about this during this past week.
I asked her how she would have handled me sending her (WoW girl) dick pics and her sending me any pic I asked for, would she allow me to speak to her anymore? Would she allow me to continue on with her in ANY manner? Was what she and I did damaging to the family?
Her answer was of agreeance, she sees that the continued relationship between her and the guy was over, it was over when I found out. She sees that the behavior would lead to the absolute destruction of our relationship.
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Bottom line, today we are here:
She understands that I don't trust her. I have relayed that I am NOT a moron and trying to obfuscate information / conversations will end our relationship.
She understands that I am her husband, and can bring any issue or concern to me. I will always be a rational person to bring things to before they become issues that threaten our family.
She understands that she needs help, she will be going back to therapy and will not sugar-coat what has happened. She needs to understand the "WHY" of the situation and I will be here while she searches for it.
(Old School, I know) She understands that she is MINE. I do not share, I am not shared.
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A few questions on my side of the court:
"Why didn't I fuck him up?"
He lives in a place not easily reached by me, to accomplish this task would be to either travel several days during a time where my wife is already depressed / emotional. Not to mention, we have 3 kids that would have to be cared for by her because we don't have family with in a reasonable distance to come hold the fort. If this was a local thing, I would have taken a nail gun to his knee-caps. IF he decides that this relationship isn't done, I know enough people to call in a local favor to convince him it's done.
"Why didn't you cut him off?"
I don't know, it was a dumb one. My wife is very easily extremely emotional, not manipulative but easily swings into emotions. Likely the reason for all this, she likely thought there was more relationship between them than there actually was and then he took advantage of that trust. I didn't want to send her into a depression spiral that she couldn't get out of, I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I wanted the benefit of her having a friend group with him present, than not have a friend group at all. Ultimately she agreed to drop it all, she wasn't after the friend group, she was after a good friend, someone to treat her well in-games that I don't play or can't play along side her due to kids. Magically he fit the bill.
"Why did she think you would be okay with joining in?"
The stories I tell her, combined with her common sense (severe lack of) and her emotions most likely. I am likely partially at fault for planting this seed in her mind that by telling her these stories that somehow I would be okay with the things I tell her actually happening.
"Why are you seemingly trusting her now?"
I'm not, I've dealt with this behaviour before outside of her. I am fairly certain of my ability to see bullshit (hence going from receiving an all clear to "finding it all" in under 4 hours). She wants forgiveness, I'm not giving it to her yet.
