Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Frenzied Wombat_sl said:

Murder makes sense from an emotional standpoint, which I'm sure anybody in that position would be, however if you allow one iota of logic/reality in, you'd realize that all that will do is land you in prison for the rest of your life, never to see your kids, and your wife will just find another dude 3 months into your life sentence..

Click to expand...

Whoa whoa whoa whoa.

I meant murder his ex, not murder her new boyfriend.

Well, its several things I think. I mean, yes, the driving factor is to have sex, undisputedly. Why didn't I do it before? Having full control of what I eat and portion sizes helps, as well as having full control of what's in the house (no one is buying ice cream and cookies for example), which also helps. I also only have the kids half the week, so I have a lot more free time, so shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc, isn't as much of a hassle. Way less fast food because I'm burnt out and tired.

I don't think losing weight would have netted me more sex with the Ex though. I could be wrong. Either way, I'm much happier now, so it worked out.

I've still got a long way to go, but feeling good about my progress.

I wish I enjoyed some form of physical exercise. All my weight lost is just having a better diet so far. I have no strength at all, and a gut still. I'm trying to get into some kind of daily activity, but its all hard, shitty, and not fun. Bleh.

BrotherWu_sl said:

By the way, Onoes and Julian, you guys have both stated that you have lost a lot of weight since your divorce. I noticed that an old friend of mine on Facebook also lost a fair amount of weight after his divorce.

What is driving that? Conscious decision? Stress? Less good cooking?

Click to expand...

Ive always lifted a lot when I was single but quit after i get into a relationship. I used to be pretty built when I was like 18-20 so my muscle memory makes it easy for me to get back into shape when I actually give a fuck and lift. During my marriage i was easily in the worst shape of my life. Twelve years of smoking, chewing, and drinking caught up with me plus a shitty marriage and my job became sedentary. I really need to change into a healthier lifestyle longterm instead of a "I need to get buff to get laid easier" attitude. So far I've quit smoking and chewing(2 weeks lol) and have been working out for about 2 months, lost some weight, and feel much fucking better. Im 5' 7" and went from a 38" pant size to a 33", 220lbs to 195ish in the last 10 months with a lot of muscle gain. The real test will be if I continue to go to the gym during my next long term relationship. I do feel so much better physically and mentally when i lift. I think my sweet spot is around 180 lbs which is my goal to get to.

Julian the Apostate_sl said:

Ive always lifted a lot when I was single but quit after i get into a relationship. I used to be pretty built when I was like 18-20 so my muscle memory makes it easy for me to get back into shape when I actually give a fuck and lift. During my marriage i was easily in the worst shape of my life. Twelve years of smoking, chewing, and drinking caught up with me plus a shitty marriage and my job became sedentary. I really need to change into a healthier lifestyle longterm instead of a "I need to get buff to get laid easier" attitude. So far I've quit smoking and chewing(2 weeks lol) and have been working out for about 2 months, lost some weight, and feel much fucking better. Im 5' 7" and went from a 38" pant size to a 33", 220lbs to 195ish in the last 10 months with a lot of muscle gain. The real test will be if I continue to go to the gym during my next long term relationship. I do feel so much better physically and mentally when i lift. I think my sweet spot is around 180 lbs which is my goal to get to.

Click to expand...

Just don't get a bunch of piercings and cut your hair into devil horns, please.

Ultimatums are no good for anyone. Having a conversation and making your stance known doesn't have to be veiled in ridiculous threats.

Khane_sl said:

Ultimatums are no good for anyone. Having a conversation and making your stance known doesn't have to be veiled in ridiculous threats.

Click to expand...

I disagree. Certainly you shouldn't be using them all the time spuriously, but you can only use 'relationships take work' as an excuse for so long without ever bringing up the fact that something will ruin the relationship and/or no progress is being made towards mutual happiness. At some point, you have to have a line in the sand and be ready to walk away from a destructive relationship or environment. Even basic, self-evident stuff like "if you don't start communicating with me, this relationship is going to come to an end". I mean, that's implicit, you're just making all parties involved aware that you know there is a problem and that it's heading that direction.

It doesn't have to mimic a Hitler speech, but significant changes in anyone's life are going to require significant motivation. Often times relationshipsaresaved because one party had the spine to say something like "I can't continue dating you if you keep condescending my friends in public" or "If we keep fighting, our marriage is over."

It's just facts turned into statements. Whether you choose to cohabitate after a marriage/relationship is already over and suffer through it to retain possessions/children/whatever is your own business I suppose, but regardless of whether you lay down an ultimatum that things were going to end without changes, they end anyway.

If it's gotten to the point where ultimatums are needed it's probably past the point of no return.

If the first or second time you mention to someone you don't like their behavior you threaten them (i.e. give them an ultimatum) what kind of message does that send? "What the fuck do you mean you'll leave if I don't start helping around the house? Is that serious? You've never said anything to me about this before"

If you mentioned it and tried to have an adult conversation about it ad nauseum and the other party hasn't changed... well why the fuck are you wasting your time with someone who has no respect for you and obviously doesn't think your opinions make much of a difference?

Ultimatums serve no purpose other than to make yourself feel vindicated when a relationship is already over or to manipulate someone into doing what you want. "I told her... if she doesn't shape up that's it. We'll see how she likes that!"

The reality is any relationship on a downward path where neither party wants to give it up for one reason or another is going to keep spiraling downward until someone says it's enough, things must/I] change.

First or second time? That's not rational. And sometimes you can have adult conversations with adults, but because of their situation or psychological conditions they simply don't get the point. I can't believe you've never had a relationship with family/friends/partners/whatever where you had to keep telling them the same things over and over and nothing changed?