Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Nester

Nester

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Its rare to the point that folks think it is impossible to stay friends with an ex to the level you are discribing while both trying grow in new relationships. The lure of Deja Booty is strong and the chances of an emotional problem for one of the 4 people involve is astornomical.
 
Sutekh

Sutekh

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I guess, but it seems that everyone is ignoring the fact that her and I lived platonically for a year together. We never had sex, kissed, etc. Still went and saw movies together, gamed together, just hung out as friends.

In fact when I drove her to airport to say good bye, it was really sad. We were both really sad, we hugged and kissed goodbye and it felt like I was saying goodbye to my sister rather than my girlfriend.
 
Nester

Nester

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Sutekh_sl said:
I guess, but it seems that everyone is ignoring the fact that her and I lived platonically for a year together. We never had sex, kissed, etc. Still went and saw movies together, gamed together, just hung out as friends.

In fact when I drove her to airport to say good bye, it was really sad. We were both really sad, we hugged and kissed goodbye and it felt like I was saying goodbye to my sister rather than my girlfriend.
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I dont think we ignored it as much as did not believe the fact that neither of you wanted to scratch the itch (sorry)
you do understand that tis type of relations is not normal. I dont mean that in a bad way, in fact it is kinda cool, however that vast majority of the people you are talking to on this forum are not going to understand the situation nor see it from your perspective.
 
Sutekh

Sutekh

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I understand completely that it's not normal and I'm actually super grateful that both of us are mature enough to have this type of relationship. I was with this woman since I was 16-17 and she's a big reason I am the person that I am and I don't want to lose her from my life because she genuinely is one of my best friends.

I can honestly say that neither of us wanted to "scratch the itch". There were definitely times where if that were present we would've been fuckin. That was one thing our relationship didn't lack, we kept a pretty consistent average of about 3 times a week.
 
opiate82

opiate82

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There is an obvious potential for drama, but if you can keep it in your pants and her hubby is okay with your presence go for it. Opportunities to travel abroad can be rare so I understand wanting to take advantage of free room and board.

Try to make sure you aren't a third wheel constantly, make plans and go exploring on your own, it will help keep things on the up and up.

Do understand though, any other potential suitors are probably not going to be impressed that you are spending several weeks with your ex and may view it as a red flag no matter how much you try to rationalize it.
 
Sutekh

Sutekh

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Oh yeah, I only planned on staying there for a day or two, going to the Alps to go snowboarding while there for sure. Probably visit Zurich as well.
 
Eidal

Eidal

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Something important to consider is that the huge majority of husbands would not be pleased with this development; the odds of all three people involved coming out of this without hurt feelings seems really bad. Do you think this husband genuinely doesn't care if you travel across the world to hang out with his wife? Do you care if he cares? Do you trust him to be honest about his insecurities if he had them, or do you think he'd try to act nonchalant about his wife's ex flying across the world to "hang out" and sleep on his couch...?

I think the most likely scenario if you do this is causing a shit-ton of drama in someone else's household then bouncing out and say "well if he had a problem with it why didn't he say anything?!". Keep in mind my assessment is based off people I know who are certainly not you, your ex-wife or the current husband.
 
Sutekh

Sutekh

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He was dating her for the almost that entire period where we lived together, I'd hope he would understand how our relationship is. She says it was his idea to have me stay there, because I said I'd come visit and get a hotel, so I'm thinking he's cool with it. Who knows, I guess there's only one way to find out.
 
Feien

Feien

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Though I do believe healthy relationships like the one you are describing Sutekh are possible, you do understand that they are definitely not common at all, so you cant blame the forum to be skeptical. Like Eidal mentioned, are you a 100% sure the husband has no beef against this, and if he did what would your reaction be? Would you honor his opinion that you hanging around is not a very good idea, or would you be offended by the fact that his own insecurities are breaking apart your life long friendship and that you know that she would not be cool with that? Maybe you would even tell her and that would most likely cause drama between them, because obviously, you don't want to let the friendship go. But the problem could be that neither does he.

The perfect scenario is that everyone involved would be mature and completely honest with themselves and each other for there to be zero problems, and if that is the case, then that is awesome, because you truly have one in a million type of friends, which means you should totally go to switzerland and enjoy the free and hospitable accommodations, otherwise i'd think about it a bit more.

In the future this will also involve the person you may want to settle with later on. Is this person also gonna have to be cool with the whole thing, or will you just end up saying no to someone that doesn't understand this?

It's always Very difficult to be very close friends with a married person of the opposite sex, specially if you dated her previously. Impossible? No. But you have to agree that it is highly unlikely.
 
Khane

Khane

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Sutekh_sl said:
He was dating her for the almost that entire period where we lived together, I'd hope he would understand how our relationship is. She says it was his idea to have me stay there, because I said I'd come visit and get a hotel, so I'm thinking he's cool with it. Who knows, I guess there's only one way to find out.
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He's using her to get to you. Oldest gay trick in the book.
 
Sutekh

Sutekh

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Feien_sl said:
Though I do believe healthy relationships like the one you are describing Sutekh are possible, you do understand that they are definitely not common at all, so you cant blame the forum to be skeptical. Like Eidal mentioned, are you a 100% sure the husband has no beef against this, and if he did what would your reaction be? Would you honor his opinion that you hanging around is not a very good idea, or would you be offended by the fact that his own insecurities are breaking apart your life long friendship and that you know that she would not be cool with that? Maybe you would even tell her and that would most likely cause drama between them, because obviously, you don't want to let the friendship go. But the problem could be that neither does he.

The perfect scenario is that everyone involved would be mature and completely honest with themselves and each other for there to be zero problems, and if that is the case, then that is awesome, because you truly have one in a million type of friends, which means you should totally go to switzerland and enjoy the free and hospitable accommodations, otherwise i'd think about it a bit more.

In the future this will also involve the person you may want to settle with later on. Is this person also gonna have to be cool with the whole thing, or will you just end up saying no to someone that doesn't understand this?

It's always Very difficult to be very close friends with a married person of the opposite sex, specially if you dated her previously. Impossible? No. But you have to agree that it is highly unlikely.
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Nah man, if he told me that he wasn't comfortable with me staying there I would obviously respect that. She likes him and he does well by her, I'm glad she found him. I wouldn't want to hurt their relationship. But I'm pretty sure he's completely comfortable with me going there, he's told her frequently how he's anxious to meet me since I'm such good friends with her. But if he ever had an issue with it I would just go get a hotel and go to dinner with them or something. I mean I could even go on the weekend so I'm not alone with her while he's at work or something. I've expressed all these concerns to her as well and she said it's definitely not an issue.
 
Noodleface

Noodleface

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I guess if he's cool then its fine, but if it was really his idea then why ask our opinions? I think deep down you understand our concerns. If my wife asked if her old husband who was with her for 10 years could couch surf at our place I would certainly be concerned. I'm pretty confident my wife wouldn't cheat on me, but there is a lot of history there long before I was around. I don't know, if you think its going to be cool then just go with it.
 
Tarrant

Tarrant

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Yeah, how's the girl who flipped out over the thought of you moving near her going to feel about you going half way around the world to chill with your ex?
 
Sutekh

Sutekh

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Big Phoenix_sl said:
Shes just as understanding guys dont worry about it.
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Hey I never said that, things have just slowed down with her. I never wanted to move to Pittsburgh for that girl, I have other reasons and I probably still will end up moving back even after everything is all said and done with this girl.
 
Tarrant

Tarrant

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Khane_sl said:
You guys didn't really miss anything at all. Crimson just posted some stuff that seemed innocuous and mundane to him because he's stuck in a redpill frame of mind. It wasn't all that audacious outside of the fact that he was still being emotionally shut down and abusive to his soon to be ex without even realizing it. Gonna be a long road for the dude, hard to change your habits when you don't even realize what you're doing while you're doing it.
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He edited it out, what did it say? (also that's pussy shit)
 
Onoes

Onoes

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Sutekh_sl said:
Hey I never said that, things have just slowed down with her. I never wanted to move to Pittsburgh for that girl, I have other reasons and I probably still will end up moving back even after everything is all said and done with this girl.
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Sutekh, I just spent a couple hours in a car with my Ex wife, swapping horror stories and shit of our first year apart. We're at a point where we can hang out, and 98% of the time its just like we are good friends, and 2% of the time, once every 3 or 4 months, she'll do or say something that makes me go "God damn, ohh yeah, I remember dealing with this shit, so glad I don't have to deal with this anymore.". What I'm trying to say is, we are at a friends/family level with absolutely 0% chance of any kind of sexual tension, so I can understand that. In addition, I fairly frequently hang out with a couple old girlfriends and their husbands, even stay with them at their houses when I visit. Some husbands seem just totally fine with it, and others clearly aren't, you never know until you're actually there.

So that being said, it doesn't seem weird or unreasonable to me in the slightest. I agree its uncommon, and can totally understand why people wouldn't understand (since I don't understand the way most of the world works it seems), but it sounds like exactly the sort of thing I would do.

Obviously this would result in either A.) Nothing, or B.) a lengthy story of me fleeing naked through a swiss forest while her husbands brother chased me with a machete or something, and then I would post it here, and everyone would go "What the fuck were you thinking? Are you really that fucking oblivious to the world, or are you an honest to god mongoloid?!" but yeah, thats pretty much exactly how it happens.
 
TheBeagle

TheBeagle

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Gavinmad_sl said:
Onoes thinking something is a good idea is basically the kiss of death.

Abort Sutekh, abort!!!
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Hah hah, so much this.

For what it's worth I've been quietly lurking and have always thought Sutekh was a voice of reason in all the relationship debates and I was quite surprised to learn he was only 27. But this latest turn of events regarding going to Swiss-land to hang out with the ex and her new boy toy seems really whack, for lack of a better word, while also doing a complete 180 on the girl from Pittsburgh at the same time. I don't know, seems kind of odd to me.
 
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