Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Cad

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OU Ariakas said:
Yeah, that was the bummer about it for me, too. I think that we could have figured it out, but she seemed pretty adamant that she had the ick and it wasn't going to be fixed.

I'm a dude and I'm going to date because that is what I need to do; but from a life standpoint, I think I am pretty set. I had a really good time in my 20's before I met her and being around for my kids and preparing them for life really is my main goal. So I assume I'm going to have some pretty good stories for the dating thread.
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Do you think you'll be looking for another life partner or do you think you're going to keep it casual? Do you have a long term plan? I know you just got your divorce final yesterday so not putting pressure on ya. :)
 
OU Ariakas

OU Ariakas

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I have had some time to think about it since we technically filed intent more than 2 months ago due to the Texas 60 day cooling off period.

My mom and dad are divorced and my Mom found another life partner while my dad didn't even try. Now, he is struggling with loneliness and she is enjoying her life with my stepdad (who is a great guy).

I think I'm going to try and keep it casual for at least a few years to enjoy myself and time with my kids, but I think it is going to be a search for someone that I can enjoy the rest of my life with.

I will probably know more after a few first dates, which are probably going to be disasters given what everyone says about the dating market and older women.
 
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Seananigans

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OU Ariakas said:
Yeah, that was the bummer about it for me, too. I think that we could have figured it out, but she seemed pretty adamant that she had the ick and it wasn't going to be fixed.

I'm a dude and I'm going to date because that is what I need to do; but from a life standpoint, I think I am pretty set. I had a really good time in my 20's before I met her and being around for my kids and preparing them for life really is my main goal. So I assume I'm going to have some pretty good stories for the dating thread.
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Thanks for sharing all of this. If you're willing to share more, I'm curious about some examples of specific things that lead to "ick" on her part. Given she was one who kept things bottled up, I think examples are useful for guys to file away as possible pitfalls with women. My (soon to be ex) wife was somewhat similar in the lack of communication area, although there were longstanding baggage issues so it wasn't a single point of failure.
 
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sleevedraw

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Going through a similar situation to Ariakas with my spouse right now (in the middle of 60-day cool off).

Short version is that he feels too much (i.e. wants more affection), and I am an emotionally constipated, probably autistic wreck who feels too little. Financially, we work extremely well together, and there have been zero squabbles about finances and division (we had a prenup, we're honoring that, we're both maintaining 50/50 ownership in the house until we sell and split the profits), and I feel blessed that my situation is way better than a lot of other people in this regard.

Even so, I feel hollow, and I can't go through this again, at least not in the short term.
 
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OU Ariakas

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Seananigans said:
Thanks for sharing all of this. If you're willing to share more, I'm curious about some examples of specific things that lead to "ick" on her part. Given she was one who kept things bottled up, I think examples are useful for guys to file away as possible pitfalls with women. My (soon to be ex) wife was somewhat similar in the lack of communication area, although there were longstanding baggage issues so it wasn't a single point of failure.
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I think hindsight on things brings a ton of clarity, but it is also speculation on my part since I don't know exactly why she feels the way she does.

She came from a quiet family with just one sister; I am loud and my family is loud. We had 4 boys and, even though they have some of her personality traits, they are all loud and that gets me even louder to be the referee. I think she resents how loud I am to them specifically and somehow blames them being loud on me (since it obviously isn't her).

Another one is the fact that she enjoys traveling and has done it all her life while I grew up poor and we traveled once a year or so to see family. It never really dawns on me to plan vacations and I pushed back on her about spending a ton of money on them. So in the moment I think I am being the financially responsible one, but she never said things like "travel is so important to me that it is eroding our marriage."

So I get caught up in the day-to-day of life and when the things above happen they happen quickly and, to me, they blow over. Looking back, they never blew over for her. It was a debt building up against me that never had an outlet.

The funny thing is that, from her side, I am in the wrong; but if she doesn't tell me exactly how important it is to her then how am I supposed to know?
 
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Springbok

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Oh man, good luck in the modern dating world. My best buddy just went through the same thing, bought a house a block away from his ex wife to be near the kids... He has a ton of $ and is living on the beach in San Diego, is reasonably attractive and fit... and some of his stories are incredible, and scary. Not sure how that will translate to Houston, but I imagine you'll have some adventures and I look forward to reading about them!! Sorry pal, that sucks. Should have married a poke!
 
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Cad

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sleevedraw said:
Short version is that he feels too much (i.e. wants more affection), and I am an emotionally constipated, probably autistic wreck who feels too little.
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Is this meaning sex specifically or is it like cuddling on the couch watching a kdrama type of affection?
 
Cad

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OU Ariakas said:
The funny thing is that, from her side, I am in the wrong; but if she doesn't tell me exactly how important it is to her then how am I supposed to know?
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I firmly believe that in relationships outside of outright cheating/lying, there's very little "right" or "wrong", there's just lack of communication and lack of compromise. If she wants to go on vacations and you want to save money, then you compromise and go on money-saver vacations. But each side has to be communicated, and you have to pretty relentlessly talk it out.

Lack of communication is how resentment builds, because instead of talking it out and coming to a compromise you stew on it and feel unfulfilled or feel like they don't care.
 
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Fogel

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Cad said:
Is this meaning sex specifically or is it like cuddling on the couch watching a kdrama type of affection?
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He just doxed himself, didn't know Dafoe posted here

Screenshot Capture - 2025-05-09 - 14-44-15.png
 
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sleevedraw

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Cad said:
Is this meaning sex specifically or is it like cuddling on the couch watching a kdrama type of affection?
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Both.

Echoing your point, poor communication kills. We're both introverts, and neither of us know how to hash out problems; we just bury them until one of us gives in and adds another resentment to the pile. When we first married, our discussion of kids was basically:

"Do you want them?"
"Maybe in 5 years."

Which somehow he heard as "we are going to have kids in 5 years."

If I do decide to re-enter the dating pool, I need to contend with a pool size that's about 1/20th (or less) that of straight guys. Reduce that size by half or more again for the number of people who are willing to tolerate people with right-leaning political opinions. Reduce that size again for the number of people who are OK with not having kids. And that's before we get into the other "never evers" like smoking, being ridiculously fat, etc.

There's no one out there for me. My best friend is a great guy and is also gay, but he's younger, already happily married, and I'm not his type. I will not ruin his relationship for a chance at happiness; I'm not that kind of person. I'd rather just support him, my family, and my very small circle of (largely all online) friends and hope that this void doesn't eventually become too much to bear.
 
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sleevedraw said:
Both.

Echoing your point, poor communication kills. We're both introverts, and neither of us know how to hash out problems; we just bury them until one of us gives in and adds another resentment to the pile. When we first married, our discussion of kids was basically:

"Do you want them?"
"Maybe in 5 years."

Which somehow he heard as "we are going to have kids in 5 years."

If I do decide to re-enter the dating pool, I need to contend with a pool size that's about 1/20th (or less) that of straight guys. Reduce that size by half or more again for the number of people who are willing to tolerate people with right-leaning political opinions. Reduce that size again for the number of people who are OK with not having kids. And that's before we get into the other "never evers" like smoking, being ridiculously fat, etc.

There's no one out there for me. My best friend is a great guy and is also gay, but he's younger, already happily married, and I'm not his type. I will not ruin his relationship for a chance at happiness; I'm not that kind of person. I'd rather just support him, my family, and my very small circle of (largely all online) friends and hope that this void doesn't eventually become too much to bear.
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Knowing this, are you more motivated to make this work out?

Not trying to be flippant at all but is affection difficult enough for you that you'd rather be single again?
 
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sleevedraw said:
Probably me. Which I have no idea how I wound up being, since I feel like my parents did a good job. Like I said, I'm fucked up.
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If you don't mind me asking, if he tries to cuddle with you or just puts his arms around you while doing dishes or something like just typical household affection, what goes through your mind? What feelings are you feeling when these things happen?

Similarly, when you see him sitting there, what goes through your mind in terms of this person you loved enough to marry? Does the thought of "I should go jump his bones" not enter your mind? What does enter your mind in terms of him?

When you have sex is it kind of impersonal and lets get it over with kind of thing? How often are you engaging?
 
Kirun

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Cad said:
Similarly, when you see him sitting there, what goes through your mind in terms of this person you loved enough to marry? Does the thought of "I should go jump his bones" not enter your mind? What does enter your mind in terms of him?

When you have sex is it kind of impersonal and lets get it over with kind of thing? How often are you engaging?
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AKA - How hard are you hammering his hog? Are you bouncing on that thang like a rodeo clown or just kinda half-heartedly going up and down like a ride outside the grocery store?

Don't spare any detail!
 
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Koushirou

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Is there like some guide to communication in general? Some ways to practice? Anything? I'm fucking terrible at it. Anytime there was a problem I would only ever bring it up once and if it got brushed aside, I just buried it and was done with it, but that's obviously a shit way to do things and I'm sure has certainly contributed to where I am now. I'm so self-conscious about being just another annoying wife/girlfriend/etc. that just bitches about everything all the time and makes their man's life hell. How do you find the balance?
 
Kirun

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How do you communicate with your friends? I always looked at the communication side of a relationship with my wife the same way.

Too often couples are "afraid" of talking to each other out of some weird fear of making the other person mad/upset. That always seemed odd as hell to me.
 
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sleevedraw

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Cad said:
If you don't mind me asking, if he tries to cuddle with you or just puts his arms around you while doing dishes or something like just typical household affection, what goes through your mind? What feelings are you feeling when these things happen?

Similarly, when you see him sitting there, what goes through your mind in terms of this person you loved enough to marry? Does the thought of "I should go jump his bones" not enter your mind? What does enter your mind in terms of him?

When you have sex is it kind of impersonal and lets get it over with kind of thing? How often are you engaging?
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"I'm trying to put the dishes away."

"He's there." / "Meh."

Get it over with. Not often. And before one of our resident smartass homophobic dipshit armchair psychologists here inevitably suggest this again, again, no, I was not abused. I just generally don't like and have never liked being touched.
 
TJT

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Isn't that like a degree of asexuality or something? Intimacy is a pretty important part of most relationships and the lack of it can certainly destroy them too.
 
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