Marriage and the Power of Divorce

BrutulTM said:

When I was a kid, I always imagined that married couples completely understood each other. Like you could finish each other's sentences you knew what they would think about everything. It comes as a bit of a surprise to me that even after being with people day after day for years you can still feel awkward around them, you still misunderstand them, you still hurt them by accident, you still don't know what they are going to think about some things, you still have topics that you are afraid to bring up with them. On top of that, they change over time in ways you didn't see coming. In retrospect, it probably should have been expected, but I guess I bought the fairy tale. I'm not even unhappy with my relationship, but it's just a lot harder than it looks from the outside.

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I think to some extent, it's some kind of PTSD.

So, for a long while in my current relationship, there were things I did not want to talk to her about because I "knew" how she'd react, and I didn't want to deal with it.

How did I "know?"

Well, I was basing it off the reactions I got the last time I brought up something like that, which was invariably with someone else. In this case, my ex.

The new gal correctly pointed out that she's not my ex. And isn't going to react the same way to things as she did. And you know what? She's fucking right. Different relationship, different dynamic. We interact differently.

I am sure this is what drives everything, for like Koushirou and others. There was probably a time when you were young, brought up something that was super important to you to someone who was important to you (might have even been a parent), got a reaction that was wholly out of line, and you learned "well, shit, not fuckin doing that again" and now you're 40 and you're wondering why your relationship is fucked up.

Koushirou said:

Is there like some guide to communication in general? Some ways to practice? Anything? I'm fucking terrible at it. Anytime there was a problem I would only ever bring it up once and if it got brushed aside, I just buried it and was done with it, but that's obviously a shit way to do things and I'm sure has certainly contributed to where I am now. I'm so self-conscious about being just another annoying wife/girlfriend/etc. that just bitches about everything all the time and makes their man's life hell. How do you find the balance?

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Communication is hard and takes work in a relationship. I'm sometimes still surprised with my wife about certain things not being communicated effectively . Everyone communicates differently, particularly men and women. For men the best way to communicate is directly. Women generally don't do that though. So it will take work on your part to be more direct and on his part to learn your body language.

There is a pretty big difference between expressing things that are important to you and nagging. I wouldn't worry about this as long as you are only trying to communicate important things to you, as Big P said.