Adebisi
Clump of Cells
- 28,060
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Holy shit... She was going to kill her husband for this guy who murdered his family because he needed more tokens to chat with his webcam waifu
Marriage and the Power of Divorce
- Thread starter Grumpus
- Start date
Holy shit... She was going to kill her husband for this guy who murdered his family because he needed more tokens to chat with his webcam waifu
Koushirou
Log Wizard
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- 14,058
Alright, I finally stopped dragging my feet, got off my ass and filed the papers. We've had some more chats lately and yeah, he still wants to take Bruce and he wants his cut of the house equity. Boo. Not that there's much equity anyway, but I wonder if I could ask for $20k of it to get lopped off, since I took out that 401k loan for the down payment and am about to eat the default on that since losing my job. I imagine a judge will laugh at me and tell me to fuck off, though. Anyway, the process is at least started and I feel like I'm going to get fucked overall, but might as well get it done with now rather than later so I can start trying to recover from it.
And feel free to yell at me for taking so damn long. I tried to be nice and said I'd wait until he got all settled in a new job and shit before worrying about the paperwork, but that was 5 fucking months ago, at this point, he's still got no job, I'm out of a job, and I just want this shit over with.
And feel free to yell at me for taking so damn long. I tried to be nice and said I'd wait until he got all settled in a new job and shit before worrying about the paperwork, but that was 5 fucking months ago, at this point, he's still got no job, I'm out of a job, and I just want this shit over with.
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Cutlery
Kill All the White People
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Never know. My ex was happy with 40k cash over the 50k over X years that we worked out.
Cad
scientia potentia est
- 28,376
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Very likely the court will just order the house to be sold and you can split the proceeds.
Good job on getting going on the process, it's not going to be fun but on the other side you'll be glad you did.
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Noodleface
A Mod Real Quick
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
- 26,378
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Good job! Getting that POS gone with all the legal proceedings might suck, but having him gone is step 1 for you to heal.
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Izo
Tranny Chaser
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Koushirou
Log Wizard
- 5,462
- 14,058
So I originally planned going into the divorce with a lawyer, but since I lost my job I can't afford that anymore. I'm trying to plan out what all I should be bringing into I guess the hearing or whatever meeting we have at the courtroom whenever that gets scheduled (he's out of town currently and hasn't turned in his response packet, yet). I have no idea what to expect, though.
While our names are on both of our sets of bank accounts, we've never touched the other's accounts at all and only done transfers between them and because he never paid for anything himself, I have a very clear-cut list of every instance of him giving me money for what he called his "rent," save for maybe a couple hundred in cash over the years. I planned to get some lists together showing the amount of money I've paid into the house for mortgage/insurance/down payment/mortgage insurance payoff/etc., vet bills/pet supplies, house maintenance, car insurance, and any other category I can think of to be able to present just how much more money I put into each bit of what should have been joint spending versus what he actually contributed, not even considering stuff like groceries, meals out, etc.
I have no idea if this will matter at all, though, but it feels like it's at least worth trying to be able to keep more than 50% of the house or maybe fight to keep my third cat. Is this even a good strategy? What else should I be doing to prepare for potentially having to argue for things I think I deserve/trying to protect things like my savings/retirement? What do these divorce proceedings even look like?
While our names are on both of our sets of bank accounts, we've never touched the other's accounts at all and only done transfers between them and because he never paid for anything himself, I have a very clear-cut list of every instance of him giving me money for what he called his "rent," save for maybe a couple hundred in cash over the years. I planned to get some lists together showing the amount of money I've paid into the house for mortgage/insurance/down payment/mortgage insurance payoff/etc., vet bills/pet supplies, house maintenance, car insurance, and any other category I can think of to be able to present just how much more money I put into each bit of what should have been joint spending versus what he actually contributed, not even considering stuff like groceries, meals out, etc.
I have no idea if this will matter at all, though, but it feels like it's at least worth trying to be able to keep more than 50% of the house or maybe fight to keep my third cat. Is this even a good strategy? What else should I be doing to prepare for potentially having to argue for things I think I deserve/trying to protect things like my savings/retirement? What do these divorce proceedings even look like?
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Going to say probably not based on the things this thread has taught me. If your finances were commingled then it doesn't matter who made what or paid for what. You get to add up all assets and debts, and split it down the middle. Like all things legal that probably varies by state.
I would suggest looking for a lawyer to at least get a consultation. They would know your state's laws and all that, and give you an idea what all needs to be done and filed etc.
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Asshat Foler
Log Wizard
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If you can’t get a lawyer at least go get consults from every single one you think he would use so he can’t use them due to conflict of interest
Burren
Bronze Baronet of the Realm
- 5,179
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Don't let him off that easy. If you have to, borrow money from family to pay for a proper lawyer. It could mean saving a TON of assets. Don't make concessions or back down just because its a difficult situation. Don't give in to guilt trips, sympathy, or pity. Its about you and your survival now.
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Cad
scientia potentia est
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What is the hearing regarding? Like is this a final disposition hearing where you’ll make whatever arguments you have to the judge and the judge decides on property split? Or do you guys have a settlement agreement already done that you just need proved up?
Does he have a lawyer?
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Koushirou
Log Wizard
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He does not have a lawyer, as far as I’m aware. I don’t know what kind of info or support he’s potentially going to get from his family, though, and who knows, right now he may be hanging with the them and they’re going to pay for one for him or something, I have no idea.
Before I submitted my petition I told him to just write up all the physical property he wanted and I drew up a spreadsheet listing everything I’m keeping and what he said he wanted to keep on it and just noted in my packet to “please grant the following relief of the attached division of property spreadsheet.” So on there I’ve listed like my bank accounts, my IRA, my 401k, etc. in addition to all my stuff, and also the cats on there, which I regret doing since I should have had more spine to fight for keeping all three. From my shitty understanding of what happens next is he’ll turn in his response packet, which I have no idea what’s in it or what was sent to him, but then after that they’ll schedule some kind of meeting at the court where they’ll go over the documents, ask if we’re both cool with it and if so it’ll get finished and done or I guess if we have disagreements we’ll have to argue about it there or maybe it goes to arbitration of some sort, I have no idea.
I did have one very fast consult with a lawyer, but they basically were just planning on yeah well total everything up and split it down the middle, etc. I’m not sure why I’d pay someone to do that if that’s what the default would have been anyway, so it didn’t really seem like a smart use of my money unless I was going to have someone who was going to help me fight to keep more of my shit. Maybe I’m being unreasonable, but given how we handled our finances and how he was adamant about keeping them separate (at least for him) and just draining off me, I don’t think he deserves a fucking cent of what I worked to save or my retirement or what’s left of my severance, etc. Hell I don’t know if I can go so far as to make the argument that he has no interest in the house because he’s not on the mortgage, but I doubt that’ll fly. I sure as fuck don’t think he should be getting half of it, though, fuck that.
I’m absolutely not expecting to come out of this losing nothing, far from it. But I think a 50/50 split is fucking bullshit and I’d certainly regret it if I didn’t at least try to fight keep as much of my stuff as I can instead of just bending over. I’ve capitulated so much already on things for the sake of trying to keep the peace.
I also finally started taking down our pictures and storing them away along with our wedding album, etc. I still don’t know what the hell to do with it all, but I still don’t feel comfortable throwing it away; not yet, anyway. Maybe I’ll feel different once this is all over.
Before I submitted my petition I told him to just write up all the physical property he wanted and I drew up a spreadsheet listing everything I’m keeping and what he said he wanted to keep on it and just noted in my packet to “please grant the following relief of the attached division of property spreadsheet.” So on there I’ve listed like my bank accounts, my IRA, my 401k, etc. in addition to all my stuff, and also the cats on there, which I regret doing since I should have had more spine to fight for keeping all three. From my shitty understanding of what happens next is he’ll turn in his response packet, which I have no idea what’s in it or what was sent to him, but then after that they’ll schedule some kind of meeting at the court where they’ll go over the documents, ask if we’re both cool with it and if so it’ll get finished and done or I guess if we have disagreements we’ll have to argue about it there or maybe it goes to arbitration of some sort, I have no idea.
I did have one very fast consult with a lawyer, but they basically were just planning on yeah well total everything up and split it down the middle, etc. I’m not sure why I’d pay someone to do that if that’s what the default would have been anyway, so it didn’t really seem like a smart use of my money unless I was going to have someone who was going to help me fight to keep more of my shit. Maybe I’m being unreasonable, but given how we handled our finances and how he was adamant about keeping them separate (at least for him) and just draining off me, I don’t think he deserves a fucking cent of what I worked to save or my retirement or what’s left of my severance, etc. Hell I don’t know if I can go so far as to make the argument that he has no interest in the house because he’s not on the mortgage, but I doubt that’ll fly. I sure as fuck don’t think he should be getting half of it, though, fuck that.
I’m absolutely not expecting to come out of this losing nothing, far from it. But I think a 50/50 split is fucking bullshit and I’d certainly regret it if I didn’t at least try to fight keep as much of my stuff as I can instead of just bending over. I’ve capitulated so much already on things for the sake of trying to keep the peace.
I also finally started taking down our pictures and storing them away along with our wedding album, etc. I still don’t know what the hell to do with it all, but I still don’t feel comfortable throwing it away; not yet, anyway. Maybe I’ll feel different once this is all over.
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Cad
scientia potentia est
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If you both don’t have a lawyer then it’ll probably be fine, but if he has one then there are a LOT of procedural gotchas that will impede you from entering evidence, making timely motions, etc.
I don’t know what state you’re in and I’m not familiar with the procedure in any state other than Texas, so I’d get familiar with the phases and steps and start planning what you need to do at each hearing. The more things you have on paper documented that you can bring, the better. Make your presentation to the point, have factual backup, and go point by point. The judge doesn’t need to hear all the bad things he’s done to you or how he’s a shitty person; thats mostly irrelevant to the proceedings. He needs to hear what assets there are, what has been kept separate, and who wants what. Keep to the facts, don’t be emotional, don’t react when he says obvious lies or says emotional things about you. You do not have to respond in kind (and it’s better if you don’t).
I’d talk to your husband and see if you can just agree on what assets are going where. You submitted what you think is yours and what you want to keep, does husband even dispute any of that? As far as pets go, they don’t really have monetary value so they will just be split I would think.
I’m glad to help and answer questions as much as I can but since I’m not licensed in your state (unless it’s Texas!) I really can’t give you super specific advice, more general.
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Koushirou
Log Wizard
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- 14,058
State is WV, for what it's worth. I know we're at least in agreement that the honeymoon savings account we had (just the cash given to us from our wedding) is going to be split in half between us. He hasn't mentioned anything regarding my retirement or my savings, but he also initially said he didn't care about the house, but now he wants his equity in the house. I didn't put that on my spreadsheet and told him if he wants it, he'll have to ask for it in court or maybe there's some section of his response packet that he'd ask for it there. I would imagine that the packet he got in the mail would have a copy of the papers I filed and all the things I checked on them (including the property spreadsheet I included and also noting that I'm asking for exclusive rights and use to the house and the furniture in it unless otherwise specified). In general, though, going over random shit in the house and splitting it, he's been creeping more and more on stuff that he's been asking for. I fully expect that his family is also telling him to take as much as he can get from me, as well, so I'm trying to prepare for the worst in that he'll ask for essentially whatever he thinks he can get or is entitled to. I am not going to believe anything he says anymore, at this point. Fuck's sake, I know I've mentioned the dumbass shit with him buying me a robot vacuum for the basement for my birthday so I "wouldn't be stressed about having to vacuum down there anymore" (something I was never stressed about to begin with and was a problem he invented, basically) and now he wants that, too, lol. I don't care, fucking take the thing, but just to show an example of where his head's at that he's now wanting shit he fucking gifted me.
But yeah, the plan was just to have a detailed account showing that I've essentially been responsible for everything and have taken all the financial risks that he's benefitted from. I'm just hoping I can keep my dumbass mouth closed as much as possible because it doesn't take a genius to know that a judge doesn't give a damn about the lore behind all this shit. I had to indicate in my petition that I was going forward without a lawyer, but I'm not sure if I'm able to change my mind later if he somehow manages to show up with one. My parents have said if he tries to take my shit, fuck that, they'll pay for a lawyer for me, I just hope I'm allowed to get one later if things go south. I'm still trying to approach this in as good a faith as possible, but I realize that's fucking stupid of me and it's probably going to end up hosing me.
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Izo
Tranny Chaser
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I'll testify that whoever has the beetus ate it. Also, my portfolio is better when you buy overpriced insulin/wegovy. Yum-yum, I can taste it. Ahem.
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Cad
scientia potentia est
- 28,376
- 61,481
You should be able to hire a lawyer at any point in the process.
Divorces generally go one of two ways - either both parties pretty much agree to the property distribution (i.e. 50/50 or you take the house, I take my accounts, etc.. something agreed) or they both say they should get everything and make the court decide on 50/50 in a way that you didn't like/anticipate.
If I were you I would try to hammer out an agreement with him that you can present to the court where your assets are basically 50/50, and you've both agreed on what you want and how it should be divvied - otherwise you're just paying to fight over stuff the court will decide probably not in a way you like. Just my $0.02.
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Seananigans
Honorary Shit-PhD
- 14,873
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Basically this. If he’s going to be a dick and try to get “his half” of the house he’s not on the mortgage for, then there’s not much you can do if you bought it while married. It’s possible if you owned it before you got married the court will look at it differently? But I’ve learned that once you’re married, all income is “marital funds” regardless of who earns it. That could be state specific though I guess.
Basically, the best way it can go is if you and he can agree on a divorce decree, which is the document that explains the split of everything. At that point everything’s a formality.
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Goatface
Naxxramas 1.0 Raider
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somewhere here i posted about my friend, it is a long story, but backpain+alcohol has lead to divorce and probably his end soon. just want to say, if you are having a bad time, reach out to family/friends before everything gets wrecked.
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