Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Koushirou said:

Shouldn’t be hard to do. My body count’s a whopping 4: 1 husband, 2 LDR BFs and one friend I liked who was still a virgin at 30 so his friends basically bullied him into sleeping with me to get him over it and then he never spoke to me again. Very good for the self-esteem. Shit, I don’t even know how to kiss properly, I’ve had so little experience with it since the husband would mostly actively avoid kissing me on the lips.

The idea of trying to even put myself on a dating up scares the crap out of me as all I can think of is the last time I put one up on OKCupid and got one message in three months, which is how I ended up with the husband to begin with since that was the only option I had. Not really sure I can handle that kind of disappointment again. What do people even use these days, anyway? What the hell would I even write? I guess those are questions for the dating thread which I suppose I’ll be shitting up sometime in the future once all this is finalized.

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If the dude was a virgin at 30, he was the one with the issues, not you. And your soon to be ex not wanting to kiss should have been a red flag all along pointing at his level of respect for you and your marriage. Sorry you had to learn the hard way. Plus everyone is awkward at intimacy unless they are sluts/sex workers, so don't let some guy freaking out over a pity jump hurt your self esteem. Its like anything else, in that practice makes perfect.

As for dating, like hell if I know, but if I somehow had to get back in the game again I would do what got me my wife. I would bond with people through hobbies and build up a friendship with someone I felt I had a potential relationship with. Dating culture is fucked at the moment, so don't participate in it. Use the old methods of socializing and finding out who you have a connection with, just take more care not to get used. No matter what your self esteem is telling you, you don't have to put up with that shit and you definitely should not be sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. You are pretty level headed which puts you ahead of most of the available dating pool you would be up against for the kinds of dude you probably are after.

TomServo said:

I say drill a hole through a dodecahedron and wear it on a nice simple gold chain. Should be a nice subtle way to attract an alpha nerd

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I’ve got a white sign soapstone necklace for that.

Koushirou said:

Shouldn’t be hard to do. My body count’s a whopping 4: 1 husband, 2 LDR BFs and one friend I liked who was still a virgin at 30 so his friends basically bullied him into sleeping with me to get him over it and then he never spoke to me again. Very good for the self-esteem. Shit, I don’t even know how to kiss properly, I’ve had so little experience with it since the husband would mostly actively avoid kissing me on the lips.

The idea of trying to even put myself on a dating up scares the crap out of me as all I can think of is the last time I put one up on OKCupid and got one message in three months, which is how I ended up with the husband to begin with since that was the only option I had. Not really sure I can handle that kind of disappointment again. What do people even use these days, anyway? What the hell would I even write? I guess those are questions for the dating thread which I suppose I’ll be shitting up sometime in the future once all this is finalized.

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Don't get too hung up on your own perception of your experience or how "good at something" you feel you are. A guy that is willing to date you should accept you for who you are, as long as you are not behaving like or look like a lazy slob. The bare minimum of effort from the female in the relationship will make the man believe you have your shit together, even if in your own head you're a wreck.

It can actually be a helpful filtering mechanism. Nobody who's real wants to be with someone who is always trying for the next come up or keepin' up with the Jones'.

Khane said:

I'm guessing you were trying to reassure her but this sentence is not accurate at all.

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I mean sure, if you're going for the high value man bs that's forced on society today. But average people want to just have to deal with less bullshit. An average dude is not going to have a high bar for the woman's behavior as long as it's not full of the aforementioned bs. If they do have a high bar and maintain that same level of intesity in their own life, they'll match with a similar type.

Khane said:

More than the "bare minimum of effort" is a high bar to you?

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What one person perceives as their bare minimum has no bearing on what the other person perceives as the bare minimum offered.

Khane said:

I think a little reassurance and positive feedback is good, especially for insecure people. She's entirely too down on herself. I think you're using a little too much hyperbole to that end.

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Sure thing man. You seem to have it all figured out.

Gotta side with Khane here. Bear Minimum Effort is what got her hitched to the last dude. Putting in effort by both is the difference between having a partner vs a roomate you occasionally bang.