Parent Thread

The last thing you want is to get charged for assault on a kid man. At 10 a slap isn't going to do anything permanent. If I were you I'd ban them from your house. If your wife can't deal with it, that's her problem

Well, I firmly believe violence isn't the answer with kids and especially a troubled kid that might grow up.thinking he needs to do that stuff.

All that said, if he assaulted my kids I don't know how I would've dealt so I'm not judging you

Yeah I don't discipline other people's kids much more than telling them to knock it off, but I will kick them and their parents out in a heartbeat (or take my family home) if there are uncontrolled little assholes.

Edit: I'm not judging either. I have a nephew I've come close to smacking a time or two.

Noodleface said:

Well, I firmly believe violence isn't the answer with kids and especially a troubled kid that might grow up.thinking he needs to do that stuff.

All that said, if he assaulted my kids I don't know how I would've dealt so I'm not judging you

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Seeking 10 years for boundaries is a long long time. Finding one might actually save him from facing even more violence in the future, but probably not as the mother will tell him how mean his uncle was so he can keep snowflacking. Unfortunately a lot of parents are unable to set boundaries without resorting to violence, so you either have : a kid with no boundaries or a kid who was slapped into submission, either can end very badly.

I've had a similar situation. A close friend went through a divorce, and his son (who was nine when the divorce happened) turned into an absolute bastard jackass motherfucking jerk. I don't typically talk that way of kids, but this kid was just an asshole. I understand that he went through something pretty awful and life changing, but he was also making no effort, and both his mother and father (I stayed friends with both) tried so hard to help him. He was in therapy, his parents were remarkably civil and good to one another throughout the process and after, and he just didn't try. I know 9 and 10 year olds have to grieve and they act out, but this kid was using it as an excuse to act like a jackass.

So one day (he was ten at this point) he is being his usual typical self, bullying my youngest (who is substantially smaller than him), and saying pretty inappropriate things to my older girls. Then he intentionally slammed a door into my second youngest's face, and it connected hard enough to give my son a bloody nose. I have fucking had it with this kid. I took him by the arm, now gently or politely, but I essentially carried him at a rapid walk by his arm. It was uncomfortable, but it didn't hurt him much. He was shit scared because no one ever treated him like this. I firmly sat him down on a bench that's by our front door. Firmly. I told him if he got up from that bench he would never be welcome in our home again. I told him he was responsible for the way he acted, and I told him he was acting like a jerk. I told him people who act like jerks on purpose can't be at our house or every play with our kids.

Now, apparently coming to our house is a life highlight for this kid. He nearly shit his pants at that point. He sat quietly on that bench for an hour and a half, and then his dad took him home. The next time he was over, he was a bastard again, and I told him he was not welcome for six months at our house, and none of our kids will be calling him or spending any time with him. Six months later, he is an absolute angel at our house.

Why the hell can't parents create rules and follow through on threats? This would make such a difference for so many kids. I know my friends are feeling like they fucked their kids over with the divorce, so they don't want to be stern, or too mean, or whatever. They want to be the fun parent who hangs out with their kids. It's not helping anyone. I got lucky, and imposing massive repercussions on this kid has worked in this situation. His dad was pretty pissed with me for a while (he spends quite a bit of time here, usually with his kid), but his mom thought this was awesome.

Anyway, super wordy post to say that sometimes you have to lay down the law and follow through. I would never slap a ten year old, but I fully understand and support your reasoning for it.

How would you guys act if you saw another adult slap your 10 year old kid? I know I'd lose my shit, but my kids are generally well behaved so I wouldn't expect it to be any way justified I guess. I have a friend's son is overly rough with my daughter (same age). I made it clear to the dad he needed to handle it or the kid wouldn't be welcome anymore. So far, so good.

Also I've seen this story before:

You don't hit a kid on the face. Thats what they have a butt for.

10 years old isnt too old for a spanking. A spanking is more humiliating and guaranteed to cause zero damage.

That said, the parents who didnt discipline him are just as much to blame.

If someone slapped my ten year old, I'd likely go ballistic. However, it's a whole lot more likely that I'd have taken care of the situation long before anyone else felt the need to slap my kid. THAT is the difference. It's called parenting. If your kid is being a shit, take care of it. All kids are shits from time to time, they need rules, and they need to be enforced.

Caeden said:

We’ve been discussing how to eventually tell our son to be born in December about his older brother. It sucks.

We had a healthy pregnancy on the second. Just bad luck post delivery.

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Either never tell him at all, or tell him as soon as he's old enough to begin understanding what death is. Definitely don't spring that information on him when he's an adult.

Caeden said:

We’ve been discussing how to eventually tell our son to be born in December about his older brother. It sucks.

We had a healthy pregnancy on the second. Just bad luck post delivery.

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Wait until he’s a well adjusted adult. My girlfriend’s mom lost twins before she was born, and never ever let it go. To this day (35+ years) she gets drunk and talks about it nonstop. I had to deal with the girlfriend wanting to name our first born (regardless of gender) after one of them for years. The constant talking about it and laying flowers at the grave every year really fucked her up.

Regardless of your decision, make sure you and the wife are at peace about it.

McQueen said:

Wait until he’s a well adjusted adult. My girlfriend’s mom lost twins before she was born, and never ever let it go. To this day (35+ years) she gets drunk and talks about it nonstop. I had to deal with the girlfriend wanting to name our first born (regardless of gender) after one of them for years. The constant talking about it and laying flowers at the grave every year really fucked her up.

Regardless of your decision, make sure you and the wife are at peace about it.

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Right now we have pictures in the typical spots. We do plan to honor his birthday each year. (Meaning we will place a small toy. We’re not much for flowers. We’ll hang out a little there. We don’t plan on taking the kid there next year.)

Eventually, when questions come up we’ll probably take a “he’s watching over you stance.” We’re firm believers in coping directly with issues and not lying per se. He doesn’t need to know details. We’re both pretty agnostic. Not atheist per se. Just not religious.

She’s still seeing a counselor. We remain active at the gym, still both work, and are making sure we do all the same things for number 2 (maternity pics, etc) that we did with the first one. We don’t want him to think we wish he’s the one that died.

If I went with the “pretend the first never existed” approach, I think I’d feel I was doing a disservice to the first child in some respects.

My guess is questions will really start about 4-7 yrs old. We’re still feeling it out. We don’t want to screw the subsequent kids up, so we’re cognizant and working through formulating responses that protects them appropriately. We’ve had some professional input on this too.

My kid had a bad reaction to the flu shot, giant red welt on his arm. Beats being dead from the flu though.

Caeden said:

Right now we have pictures in the typical spots. We do plan to honor his birthday each year. (Meaning we will place a small toy. We’re not much for flowers. We’ll hang out a little there. We don’t plan on taking the kid there next year.)

Eventually, when questions come up we’ll probably take a “he’s watching over you stance.” We’re firm believers in coping directly with issues and not lying per se. He doesn’t need to know details. We’re both pretty agnostic. Not atheist per se. Just not religious.

She’s still seeing a counselor. We remain active at the gym, still both work, and are making sure we do all the same things for number 2 (maternity pics, etc) that we did with the first one. We don’t want him to think we wish he’s the one that died.

If I went with the “pretend the first never existed” approach, I think I’d feel I was doing a disservice to the first child in some respects.

My guess is questions will really start about 4-7 yrs old. We’re still feeling it out. We don’t want to screw the subsequent kids up, so we’re cognizant and working through formulating responses that protects them appropriately. We’ve had some professional input on this too.

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We ended up talking about this again last night. One thing we got advised is this needs to be some part of his (and any other kids we have) normalcy. Not that it’s dwelled on but that it’s a fact. We have discussed and been advised that waiting until the kid can point and say “who’s that” to pictures is good to do a slight introduction with the heaven/watching over/etc. we are not overboard with pictures either. Then death as a concept comes later. Details as they ask as they get older. Letting the kid’s curiousity help guide when the discussion happens and letting good judgement on how detailed that discussion gets.

Last night she brought up family pictures. That was like a cold shower. Hadn’t even thought of how that would affect her, me, etc. since the family isn’t complete. We batted around some discussion but most made us feel weird to sad, so we dropped it and watched daredevil. Discussing talking to his soon to be born little brother was enough for the night.

If someone slapped my kid I'd probably knock their ass out and go to jail. I'm a calm person but I'd see red. Is it right to do that? Nope, but I imagine I wouldn't care in the moment.

My kids don't behave in a way that warrants a slap though

I don’t understand the rational behind waiting until your child is an adult before talking to them about a sibling that has passed. I’d be upset if my parents waited until I was in my 20s or whatever before I found out I (would have) had a brother or sister. Why not just be honest and straight forward about it? I’d imagine that as long as the parents are coping in a healthy manner, then so too will the kid in all likelihood. Kids are tough - tougher than we often give them credit for. Just my two cents.