Parent Thread

Arative · Saturday at 3:15 PM

My son is 11 and in the 5th grade. We got a call earlier that a girl in his class was killed in a car accident yesterday. He goes to a private school, so only about 50 kids in the grade. My daughter in 2nd grade has a sibling in her grade.

We told both of them and they reacted I think fairly normally like an 11 and 7 year old would react. I'm sure come Monday things will get a little more real, at least for my son.

From what we gathered the father didn't yield to an oncoming truck and was broadsided. The girl was killed on impact.

All I can think is hug your children.

Cad · Saturday at 4:06 PM

Arative said:
My son is 11 and in the 5th grade. We got a call earlier that a girl in his class was killed in a car accident yesterday. He goes to a private school, so only about 50 kids in the grade. My daughter in 2nd grade has a sibling in her grade.

We told both of them and they reacted I think fairly normally like an 11 and 7 year old would react. I'm sure come Monday things will get a little more real, at least for my son.

From what we gathered the father didn't yield to an oncoming truck and was broadsided. The girl was killed on impact.

All I can think is hug your children.

Things don't sink in when you're young sometimes, it really may not affect them. But just be ready if it does, sounds like you are on top of it.

Noodleface · Saturday at 4:41 PM

Arative said:
My son is 11 and in the 5th grade. We got a call earlier that a girl in his class was killed in a car accident yesterday. He goes to a private school, so only about 50 kids in the grade. My daughter in 2nd grade has a sibling in her grade.

We told both of them and they reacted I think fairly normally like an 11 and 7 year old would react. I'm sure come Monday things will get a little more real, at least for my son.

From what we gathered the father didn't yield to an oncoming truck and was broadsided. The girl was killed on impact.

All I can think is hug your children.

Man that is heavy.

Around that age (me) our babysitter (18) died and it was horrific but had a profound impact on me. I think I reacted probably pretty calm at the time, but I've never forgotten my parents sitting down and telling me about it.

Arative · Saturday at 7:28 PM

My kids seem ok but you never know. I'm betting Monday will be hard for my son with the empty desk in the room.

The girl that passed was the oldest of 4 and I just can't imagine the grief they are all going through.

I don't think I could bounce back from the death of child.

moonarchia · Saturday at 7:38 PM

Arative said:
My kids seem ok but you never know. I'm betting Monday will be hard for my son with the empty desk in the room.

The girl that passed was the oldest of 4 and I just can't imagine the grief they are all going through.

I don't think I could bounce back from the death of child.

Yeah, that's a horrible thing to have happen even when you aren't at fault. That dad is going to be living with that for the rest of his life.

Cad · Saturday at 7:45 PM

Arative said:
I don't think I could bounce back from the death of child.

Man lets just chalk that up to something we hope we never find out how we would handle it. It can't be good.

Arative · Saturday at 7:50 PM

Cad said:
Man lets just chalk that up to something we hope we never find out how we would handle it. It can't be good.

I hear you I never want to experience something like this.

Fucker · Saturday at 7:54 PM

Arative said:
I don't think I could bounce back from the death of child.

A guy at work sent his daughter off to college and she vanished. They found her body sometime later...murdered. He went from being a well liked and respected man to a complete wreck. Angry, drunk, completely impossible to work with. He was put on leave but that didn't work. Company had no choice but to let him go. He drank himself to death in short order.

There are a lot of reasons why I like the death penalty. The above is one of those reasons.

ToeMissile · Sunday at 3:11 AM

moonarchia said:
Yeah, that's a horrible thing to have happen even when you aren't at fault. That dad is going to be living with that for the rest of his life.

Hopefully he can come to terms with it somehow or at least well enough to limit the effect on the other kids.

Weird the things you remember.
When I was 14 there was a family w/ 5 kids I knew from church; oldest had just started college, a set of twin boys ~1 year older than me, and another set of twins boy/girl ~1yr younger. As I remember it the parents and both sets of twins were on their way to visit the oldest at school and were involved in a car accident; want to say it was DWI by the other car. One of the parents died and one of each set of twins. My family moved out of the area about a year later and I don't remember hearing anything about them. Never thought about it much beyond how messed up it was, definitely hits harder now that I'm a parent.

Hatorade · Sunday at 12:34 PM

Fucker said:
A guy at work sent his daughter off to college and she vanished. They found her body sometime later...murdered. He went from being a well liked and respected man to a complete wreck. Angry, drunk, completely impossible to work with. He was put on leave but that didn't work. Company had no choice but to let him go. He drank himself to death in short order.

There are a lot of reasons why I like the death penalty. The above is one of those reasons.

Fuck that...I would spend the time becoming stronger, finding them and getting vengeance. Rather die trying to kill whoever was responsible than drink myself to death.

Arative · Tuesday at 8:17 PM

My son made it through the 1st day yesterday. They had counselors there talk too. We had a snow day today. He keeps saying he's fine, him and the boys in the class are all ok. Said all the girls were crying

The funeral is Friday and the school has cancelled classes that day. He says he doesn't want to go. We're not sure we should make him or not. This is really the first peer that he's ever had something bad happen. I know everyone deals with grief in their own way. He seems to be taking a more defensive route like saying I'm fine or being silly to avoid talking about it.

Gavinmad · Tuesday at 8:23 PM

Arative said:
We're not sure we should make him or not.

I think you should be pushy about it but don't force it if he digs his heels in.

With it being a private school and all I guess you might be on familiar terms with some of the other parents in his class so if you are you might consider talking to some of them and seeing how they think their kids are handling it and maybe get an idea of how many of the class are or aren't going. I absolutely hate funerals but I'd hate even more to be the only kid in the class who didn't go.

Arative · Tuesday at 9:00 PM

Gavinmad said:
I think you should be pushy about it but don't force it if he digs his heels in.

With it being a private school and all I guess you might be on familiar terms with some of the other parents in his class so if you are you might consider talking to some of them and seeing how they think their kids are handling it and maybe get an idea of how many of the class are or aren't going. I absolutely hate funerals but I'd hate even more to be the only kid in the class who didn't go.

We've reached out to several parents and everyone is still deciding, kind of like us.

Gavinmad · Tuesday at 9:14 PM

Arative said:
We've reached out to several parents and everyone is still deciding, kind of like us.

I don't know why this surprised me lol. The only "card" I can really think of to play is trying to make him understand that funerals are about the living and if the family has said that the funeral is open to her classmates then it would probably be a greater consolation to them the more show up.

I'm sure you're already aware but the behavior you're describing sounds like pretty typical avoidance rather than processing/dealing with it, and not going to the funeral is a way of trying to extend that avoidance indefinitely.

Cad · Tuesday at 9:21 PM

Arative said:
My son made it through the 1st day yesterday. They had counselors there talk too. We had a snow day today. He keeps saying he's fine, him and the boys in the class are all ok. Said all the girls were crying

The funeral is Friday and the school has cancelled classes that day. He says he doesn't want to go. We're not sure we should make him or not. This is really the first peer that he's ever had something bad happen. I know everyone deals with grief in their own way. He seems to be taking a more defensive route like saying I'm fine or being silly to avoid talking about it.

So, I can say as my adult self, I don't really like funerals and I go if I'm expected to in order to pay my respects to the family and the dead, but I don't get any closure or anything by going to them. For me anyway, that just takes time. Funerals have always seemed a little performative to me and I don't mind going and performing if necessary, but if not, I would not go.

Your son might be the same, he may just be uncomfortable there and not really feel much. He might get closure. I really don't know how to tell.

With my kids on decisions like this, I try to explain to them why the funeral exists, what its purpose is, what the various people might expect and how it might help you in the future. But try to leave it up to the kid if he wants to go or not. For 11 years old, he might be the mature type that understands his own feelings a little more or he might be still very much a kid. Nothing wrong with either of those but just use your judgment on how hard to push him about it.

The fact you're here worrying about it and trying to do the right thing and not dismissing it out of hand means you are being a great dad and really thinking through what to do. He's lucky to have you.

Arative · Tuesday at 9:23 PM

Gavinmad said:
I don't know why this surprised me lol. The only "card" I can really think of to play is trying to make him understand that funerals are about the living and if the family has said that the funeral is open to her classmates then it would probably be a greater consolation to them the more show up.

I'm sure you're already aware but the behavior you're describing sounds like pretty typical avoidance rather than processing/dealing with it, and not going to the funeral is a way of trying to extend that avoidance indefinitely.

Yeah he does do a lot of avoidance, so we're pretty familiar with it. I think a lot of the boys in the class are the same way. From the other parents we talked too, their boys are acting pretty much the same way.

My wife and I are debating making him go. Might be good for him to confront and deal with the grief. Or it might just fuck him up. Parenting is so fun. We're not taking my daughter, she's 7 and we think it would just overwhelm her.

Arative · Tuesday at 9:30 PM

Cad said:
So, I can say as my adult self, I don't really like funerals and I go if I'm expected to in order to pay my respects to the family and the dead, but I don't get any closure or anything by going to them. For me anyway, that just takes time. Funerals have always seemed a little performative to me and I don't mind going and performing if necessary, but if not, I would not go.

Your son might be the same, he may just be uncomfortable there and not really feel much. He might get closure. I really don't know how to tell.

With my kids on decisions like this, I try to explain to them why the funeral exists, what its purpose is, what the various people might expect and how it might help you in the future. But try to leave it up to the kid if he wants to go or not. For 11 years old, he might be the mature type that understands his own feelings a little more or he might be still very much a kid. Nothing wrong with either of those but just use your judgment on how hard to push him about it.

The fact you're here worrying about it and trying to do the right thing and not dismissing it out of hand means you are being a great dad and really thinking through what to do. He's lucky to have you.

Thanks. We all try to our best.
I hate funerals too. Who doesn't? If he does go, this would be the first funeral he has ever attended. He's had great grand parents that passed within the last two years and we never took him to those funerals. Gave him the choice for his great grandfather that passed last March and he choose not to go.

This one has the added weight of being a peer. It has to be hard for an 11 year old to even wrap their head around. Hard enough for me as an adult to wrap my head around. I feel so bad for the girls father and I keep thinking if he had just been delayed like 10 seconds, this would have been avoided.

Cad · Tuesday at 9:42 PM

Arative said:
I hate funerals too. Who doesn't?

Ya, I guess what I'm getting at is I don't get whatever it is you're supposed to get out of it, closure, the ability to say goodbye to that person, some sort of catharsis through shared misery, I don't know.

Whatever it is, I don't get it, and it just ends up being the emotional support for the family (which is a perfectly valid reason to go) or friend or whatever. If it's a family that would be miffed if I'm not there, I go. If it someone that doesn't really expect me to go, I don't.

Siliconemelons · Tuesday at 10:04 PM

Funerals are part of mourning and also a chance to reveal and show the passed on loved ones life and things to the people there that are all connected in different ways. To allow people to tell stories - to comfort and connect.

Christian funerals are times to celebrate life and the life to come. Christian funerals for non believing passed on, a time for reflection and a call to repent and believe to those gathered.

A secular funeral? It is usually a emotional baggage factory.

No funeral…is terrible.

This is one thing Jordan Peterson got (mostly) right, funerals are a time for men, to be men.

I have been to a lot of funerals, family and not.

Hateyou · Tuesday at 11:41 PM

Cad said:
So, I can say as my adult self, I don't really like funerals and I go if I'm expected to in order to pay my respects to the family and the dead, but I don't get any closure or anything by going to them. For me anyway, that just takes time. Funerals have always seemed a little performative to me and I don't mind going and performing if necessary, but if not, I would not go.

Your son might be the same, he may just be uncomfortable there and not really feel much. He might get closure. I really don't know how to tell.

With my kids on decisions like this, I try to explain to them why the funeral exists, what its purpose is, what the various people might expect and how it might help you in the future. But try to leave it up to the kid if he wants to go or not. For 11 years old, he might be the mature type that understands his own feelings a little more or he might be still very much a kid. Nothing wrong with either of those but just use your judgment on how hard to push him about it.

The fact you're here worrying about it and trying to do the right thing and not dismissing it out of hand means you are being a great dad and really thinking through what to do. He's lucky to have you.

I felt the same regarding closure for most of my life. But then my grandma died during Covid and we couldn’t get together for anything, then when we could no one did. Same with my grandpa and the same thing with my aunt that I lived with for a couple years as a teen. We didn’t get together as a family and share memories or pay respects and all that. It still bothers me and probably always will. It just feels, weird, idk how to describe it. I go to all funerals now if I can, even friends I haven’t seen or talked to in years. I don’t like funerals or anything but I think it means a lot to people and I didn’t realize how much until recently I guess.

Went to one this year, a friend I hadn’t seen in ten years or so. It meant so much to his wife, she said she knew I’d be there, wasn’t sure how to get ahold of me since I don’t do social media. I would’ve felt like shit if I hadn’t gone. Not that I’d know how she was expecting me I guess, but I’m glad I went.

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