Two years ago today. I think every year since I turned 18, the years have gone by faster and faster.
The kids are good. I'm good. There are times when it is nearly unbearably shitty. Like when one of them does some milestone level thing and she isn't there, or when they're both sick and I'm sick and she isn't there for that either.
It's shocking to look back at all the pictures (for a long time I couldn't), seeing that my daughters hair hadn't even really fully grown in yet, and that Tori's had already fallen out. My daughter was 2 and my son was 4! And it isn't like now they're in college obviously, but its so jarring to think about now. How did I survive?
The kids still go out on our deck every night, rain or shine, and say goodnight to her and that they love her and miss her. They still play the awful acoustic version of time after time on repeat all night with Cindy Lauper and Sarah Mclachlan because my wife would sing a version of that to them when she'd tuck them in.
They are joyful, well adjusted kids. Which makes me incredibly happy because while I know that as they grow up the loss of their mom will hit them more, they aren't weighted down or shackled by grief and loss. They talk about it openly "Nope, that's not my mom, that's the babysitter. My mom died." and then they keep right on trucking.
It also makes it hard for me, because I really do grieve alone. I know a lot of friends and family miss her, and they do grieve her, but not in the same way. How could they? I think the only folks that would feel close to the same way are her parents, but they're both gone too.
I have not talked to her brothers since they sold her parents house and ignored her dying request to them about testing for carcinogens at the site. Fuck em.
I've dated a bunch. It's OK. The apps are lame, every woman seems to be damaged in some not insignificant way, but those stories don't belong here and I don't want to clog up the dating thread with my nonsense. Although thinking about it, I do have a couple of doozies.
Not really sure why I felt the need to provide an update that no one is looking for, but here we are. Also, there's something funny about necro'ing a thread about a person who died.
The kids are good. I'm good. There are times when it is nearly unbearably shitty. Like when one of them does some milestone level thing and she isn't there, or when they're both sick and I'm sick and she isn't there for that either.
It's shocking to look back at all the pictures (for a long time I couldn't), seeing that my daughters hair hadn't even really fully grown in yet, and that Tori's had already fallen out. My daughter was 2 and my son was 4! And it isn't like now they're in college obviously, but its so jarring to think about now. How did I survive?
The kids still go out on our deck every night, rain or shine, and say goodnight to her and that they love her and miss her. They still play the awful acoustic version of time after time on repeat all night with Cindy Lauper and Sarah Mclachlan because my wife would sing a version of that to them when she'd tuck them in.
They are joyful, well adjusted kids. Which makes me incredibly happy because while I know that as they grow up the loss of their mom will hit them more, they aren't weighted down or shackled by grief and loss. They talk about it openly "Nope, that's not my mom, that's the babysitter. My mom died." and then they keep right on trucking.
It also makes it hard for me, because I really do grieve alone. I know a lot of friends and family miss her, and they do grieve her, but not in the same way. How could they? I think the only folks that would feel close to the same way are her parents, but they're both gone too.
I have not talked to her brothers since they sold her parents house and ignored her dying request to them about testing for carcinogens at the site. Fuck em.
I've dated a bunch. It's OK. The apps are lame, every woman seems to be damaged in some not insignificant way, but those stories don't belong here and I don't want to clog up the dating thread with my nonsense. Although thinking about it, I do have a couple of doozies.
Not really sure why I felt the need to provide an update that no one is looking for, but here we are. Also, there's something funny about necro'ing a thread about a person who died.
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